Originally published in Massage Bodywork magazine, October/November 2003.
Copyright 2003. Associated Bodywork and Massage Professionals. All rights reserved.

Our clients bring all kinds of tender longings, old hurts and broken hearts to their sessions. And there we are -- the picture of kindliness, warmth and selfless giving. Often, as part of our work, we touch clients with the tenderness of a caring parent or the gentleness of a loved one. We may seem to be the perfect parent/friend/confidante they've always wanted, making it easy for clients to more or less fall in love with us. 

It's important to be wise in how we handle a client who has a crush. Here are some common dilemmas we may face:

I recently graduated from massage therapy school and am a little bewildered by one of my clients who has an exaggerated idea of how terrific I am. I can tell she just adores me. It's kind of flattering, but even though she doesn't hit on me and I know she's happily married, it makes me uncomfortable. Should I say something to her?

It's a mistake if we allow ourselves to be either dismayed or flattered by a client's crush. Even though there may be a hint of sexual interest, crushes are usually not the same as grown-up feelings of sexual attraction. They're more like the kind of feelings that a third-grader has for her favorite teacher or the adoration a young boy might have for the high school star athlete. 

It's important to differentiate this kind of crush from the behavior of a client who makes a pass at us or asks us for a date. We need to set firm limits with those clients. First, we make it clear that such behavior isn't appropriate and we don't date clients. And then, if we truly feel comfortable continuing the session or continuing to work with him (or her), we may do so. However, if the client seems disrespectful or we just don't trust him or if we feel uneasy, at any point we can tell him the session is over and that he's not welcome as a client again. 

Innocent crushes, on the other hand, need to be treated as a sign of the client's trust. The client has judged us to be safe and we shouldn't make any more of it than that. It can be flattering to have someone wide-eyed over us, hanging on our every word and laughing at all our jokes. But we can't let it go to our heads. We have to remember clients have special feelings about us because of the role we take on and not because of who we are in everyday life. 

It's not a good idea to talk to a client about the crush: It could be embarrassing and would probably feel patronizing. Also, we don't want to let our awareness of a client's feelings diminish our warmth and friendliness. We need to remain centered and respectful with clients who have crushes.

I'm a gay male massage therapist and one of my straight female clients has a crush on me. She's never said anything, but I can tell by the way she is around me. Should I tell her that I'm gay to discourage her?

Since crushes are usually directed at someone who is not available and therefore safe, your gender preference or even your gender doesn't really matter. Straight women can have crushes on a straight woman practitioner; straight men on straight men; and a 20-year-old can have a crush on someone his grandmother's age. Crushes don't have to follow usual patterns of attraction.

So, there's no reason for you to reveal private information (your gender preference) to your client. Even if a client asks you out, you don't have to reveal anything more about your personal life than the fact you don't date your clients. 

There's a female client who has a crush on me and who keeps inviting me to have coffee with her or come to one of her parties. It sounds like it would be harmless and fun, but I'm not sure what I should do.

We should take care to keep professional boundaries with all our clients -- and especially those who have crushes on us. It's not a good idea to make a plan to see any client in a social context, and we want to take extra care with a client who has a crush. For one thing, be honest -- are you enjoying the crush and hoping to flirt with her more or even take it further? We have to remember it's unethical to take advantage of clients' special feelings for us in any way, and the most damaging thing would be to have a sexual relationship with a client. Even flirting with a client is usually regarded as unethical behavior and could be perceived as sexual harassment. 

There is a natural power imbalance in our relationship with clients; as a result, they usually have a hard time saying no to us either inside or outside the professional setting. Even though both parties are adults, it's up to the professional to set the appropriate limits. We have to put clients' welfare first and not bring our personal needs or desires into a professional relationship.

Even if you don't want to flirt with the client, it's still not a good idea to have a social relationship with her. If you show up at a party, couldn't that give a vulnerable client the message you're interested in her? Also, you run the risk of letting her see more of your off-duty self and that could be disillusioning. In a casual situation, you're more likely to say or do something which might wreak havoc with the professional relationship. You might, for instance, make an insensitive remark to her, something a friend could shrug off but that is devastating to a client who thinks everything you say is meaningful. Or you might have too much to drink or do any number of things that would take you down a notch in her eyes. We need to respect the vulnerability of our clients and keep our relationships within the bounds of our best professionalism.

There's a client who I'm really interested in and I believe she thinks I'm special too. I'm thinking of telling her that I don't want to be her practitioner any more because I want to ask her out. How soon after ending our professional relationship is it okay to do so?

Because of the power imbalance and because clients often develop crushes that we don't want to exploit, most professional associations require waiting at least six months before dating a client. The idea is to allow time for the intense feelings associated with transference* to wear off. However, there may be some clients whom we could never date. They may be too emotionally fragile or they may have us so high on a pedestal that they could never see us as equals. It wouldn't be ethical to engage such clients in a sexual relationship. Also, it would be unsatisfying to most people to have such an imbalance in the relationship.

If you're that attracted to a client, it's a good idea to consult with a mental health professional or respected colleague to help you get a perspective on the situation. With outside help, you can decide the best way to handle the situation. You may need to tell the client you are attracted to her and that you can't ethically continue to work with her, nor can you see her socially any time soon. 

We shouldn't in any way take advantage of clients who have crushes on us. For instance, we shouldn't accept large gifts from them or ask them for favors. And certainly we shouldn't try to involve them in some other business enterprise. No matter how good your intentions, keep in mind that a client who idolizes you will have a hard time turning you down when you try to sell him a jar of vitamins.

Clients who have crushes need to be treated with gentle respect. We can feel honored that a client trusts us enough to allow those tender feelings to emerge. However, we also need to be aware that those emotions probably have little to do with us personally and more to do with the fact that our work is helping the client feel more open and less guarded. Handled in a matter-of-fact, but sensitive, way, a crush usually passes and we are left with a client who is grateful for our work, able to be more open in his life and relieved that we kept the relationship professional.

Nina McIntosh has 20 years experience as a bodyworker and is a Rosen Method Bodywork intern. For more information on her book, The Educated Heart: Professional Guidelines for Massage Therapists, Bodyworkers and Movement Teachers, call toll-free 877/327-0600 or visit www.educatedheart.com.

*"Transference" refers to the special power or affection that clients give us -- usually unconsciously -- because of our professional role. They usually do not fully realize that our role as, for instance, caregiver or authority figure (a person focused totally on their needs) is not who we are in our everyday lives.