Depression.

Ways to start the conversation:

• I have been feeling concerned about you lately.
• Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.
• I wanted to check in with you because you have seemed pretty down lately.

Questions you can ask:

• When did you begin feeling like this?
• Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?
• How can I best support you right now?
• Have you thought about getting help?

Remember, being supportive involves offering encouragement and hope. Very often, this is a matter of talking to the person in language that he or she will understand and respond to while in a depressed mind frame.

What you can say that helps:

• You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.
• You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.
• I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.
• When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold on for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.
• You are important to me. Your life is important to me.
• Tell me what I can do now to help you.

Avoid saying:

• It’s all in your head.
• We all go through times like this.
• Look on the bright side.
• You have so much to live for why do you want to die?
• I can’t do anything about your situation.
• Just snap out of it.
• What’s wrong with you?
• Shouldn’t you be better by now?

Remember the advice of airline flight attendants: put on your own oxygen mask before you assist anyone else. In other words, make sure your own health and happiness are solid before you try to help someone who is depressed.

• Speak up for yourself. You may be hesitant to speak out when the depressed person in your life upsets you or lets you down. However, honest communication will actually help the relationship in the long run. If you’re suffering in silence and letting resentment build, your loved one will pick up on these negative emotions and feel even worse. Gently talk about how you’re feeling before pent-up emotions make it too hard to communicate with sensitivity.
• Set boundaries. Of course you want to help, but you can only do so much. Your own health will suffer if you let your life be controlled by your loved one’s depression. You can’t be a caretaker round the clock without paying a psychological price. To avoid burnout and resentment, set clear limits on what you are willing and able to do. You are not your loved one’s therapist, so don’t take on that responsibility.
• Stay on track with your own life. While some changes in your daily routine may be unavoidable while caring for your friend or relative, do your best to keep appointments and plans with friends. If your depressed loved one is unable to go on an outing or trip you had planned, ask a friend to join you instead.
• Seek support. You are NOT betraying your depressed relative or friend by turning to others for support. Joining a support group, talking to a counselor or clergyman, or confiding in a trusted friend will help you get through this tough time. You don’t need to go into detail about your loved one’s depression or betray confidences; instead focus on your emotions and what you are feeling. Make sure you can be totally honest with the person you turn to—no judging your emotions!

Thuy Tran shared Elizabeth Gilbert's photo.

15 mins ·

Elizabeth Gilbert

DEPRESSION AS A STOP SIGN

Dear Ones -

I wonder if any of you have heard of the work of Karla McLaren? She's the author of many wonderful books on emotional health and wellbeing, including THE ART OF EMPATHY.

I was recently listening to an interview with her, in which she spoke about depression in a way that felt so fresh and compelling to me. She spoke of the "gift of sadness", explaining that Situational Depression can be a wonderful tool of expression in our lives — a way that our psyche alerts us to the fact that something in our life is not working, and must be stopped.

Situational Depression (which is different from the ongoing mental illness of chronic depression, hormonal depression, or bipolarity — all of which are serious medical conditions) is a deep sadness that comes upon all of us at some point in our lives. Situational depression is natural. It's universal. It's human. We all have face it at some point in our lives. We hate it. We reject it. We fight against it. We don't want it. It's deeply uncomfortable.

But Situational Depression has an offering for us — it's desperately trying to tell us something.

Karla McLaren argues that what your Situational Depression is trying to tell you is: STOP.

Depression is characterized, after all, by a complete depletion of energy, by a sense that you simply cannot cope anymore, that you simply cannot go on. And in many cases, McLaren argues, this because you SHOULDN'T go on. This because something in your life is working against you. Something needs to be changed. Somebody needs to go. Something needs to be grieved. Something needs to be admitted. Something needs to be given up. Something needs to be brought in. Something needs to be discussed. Something needs to be healed.

And your Depression is just a friend who just stands there in the middle of the path and says, "I will not let you take another step until you cope with this problem."

Many times, this complete shut-down of energy is necessary, to alert you to a problem that you haven't even consciously admitted that you HAVE.

Case in point: Twelve years ago, in my own life, Depression knew that my marriage was over — and knew it before I did. Depression was just trying to tell me. Depression also knew that I needed God in my life before I knew it. Depression knew that I needed some rigorous honesty about my own self-destructive patterns. Depression knew that I needed to find a professional to talk to about my deepest sorrows and fears. Depression knew that I couldn't live in that big house anymore, and Depression knew that I was not destined to be a mother — and that therefore I needed to create another path for myself.

I didn't know any of that stuff.

All I knew was that suddenly I couldn't function anymore.

Because Depression had just violently drained all my energy out of me, and forbidden me to continue. Depression had basically jumped in front of me with a stop sign, saying: "That's ENOUGH, young lady. That's enough of all this. You need to change everything, and I will stand here protectively blocking your path until you do change."

It wasn't until I worked everything out (which took time and tears and effort) and completely changed my life that Depression stepped out of the way and let me go on with my journey.

I should be grateful to it, then, for the information.

All of which is to say — Depression just wanted me to stop, to listen, to pay attention...and to respond.

Karla McClaren has created a wonderful template for how to listen to Depression's helpful messages right here:

http://karlamclaren.com/ingenious-stagnation-understanding…/

Her entire website is filled with a lot of wisdom and help. If you are struggling with depression in your life right now, and cannot figure out why, I think you may find a great deal of solace and information there.

Blessings, and please do take care of your lovely selves...

ONWARD (or, if necessary: JUST STOP)
LG