Preface by Venerable Henepola Gunaratana Maria Thera 5
Introduction 7
Chapter 1 : Growing Up 11
Chapter 2: Expanding Horizons 25
Chapter 3: Across Europe 35
Chapter 4: Morocco, Greece and the Near East 55
Chapter 5: Busted in Afghanistan 75
Chapter 6: India 99
Chapter 7: Nepal 109
Chapter 8: Opening the eye of Dhamma 125
Chapter 9: Journey to Bodhgaya 153
Chapter 10: Anicca, Anicca, Anicca 173
Chapter 1 1 : Ajanta Caves, Aurangabad 191
Chapter 12: Goa 205
Chapter 13: Full Moon Party at Anjuna Beach 221
Chapter 14: Sri Lanka 243
Chapter 15: Kanduboda Vipassana Center 267
Chapter 16: Unawatuna Bay 297
Chapter 17: Gothama Tapovanaya 325
Chapter 18: Ananda Ashram 333
Chapter 19: Going Forth 343
Chapter 20: Postscript 361
Appendix 1 : Numbered Notes 369
Appendix 2: Glossary of Buddhist and Hindu/Yoga Terms 375
Appendix 3: List of Photographs/Maps 383
About the author 385
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
The Autobiography of an American Buddhist Monk
Bhikkhu Yogavacara Rahula
Notes :
1. This electronic version has been prepared with permission ofBhante Yogavacara
Rahula for free distribution.
2. Filename: One Night 's Shelter Version 3E (MS Word or Adobe Acrobat format)
Dhammavamsa — November 2004
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Preface by Venerable Henepola Gunaratana Maha Thera
PREFACE
Some of the people caught up in the 1960s drug culture ruined their lives. A few
turned their lives around and became an example to others. Bhikkhu Yogavacara
Rahula turned away from his unsafe indulgences at the right age by discovering the
truth at the right time with the right teachers. "One Night's Shelter" illustrates how this
dramatic but gradual change took place.
His teaching of Dhamma is based on his own personal experiences with sex, drugs,
rock and roll, and self-centered behavior. Transforming a chaotic life into a regular one
is very difficult, much less turning to the religious and contemplative path. One needs
great determination and 100 percent honesty to do it. Bhikkhu Rahula has
accomplished this task on his own initiative guided by his own inner voice.
On one level this book could be an inspiring guide to anyone trapped in hedonism
and unhealthy habits of body and mind. They will come to see how he gave up these
habits and patterns and turned a new page in his life by following the Dhamma. It's not
something that happened overnight. But he persevered, aided by the diligent practice
of mindfulness.
I met Bhikkhu Rahula in 1985 in Sri Lanka for the first time, when we both
happened to be visiting a certain temple in Colombo at the same time. At the time I
already had many appointments to see various people and did not have much time to
talk with him. When he came to live at the Bhavana Society as my assistant in 1987 I
began to know him little by little. He is a monk who does not care for food or comfort.
He devotes each day he lives to the practice of Dhamma in action. The Buddha's
description of a monk like him is:
U( %ke/ p&is<w/ ujJup uma/vs/ th& paicAuuviA w&e/, uxAo/ is/ lean/ with/ uems/ sAaupina/
alt oawv his/ body, and/ wAo/ meditates/ alono 'mv the/ pwest/ — him/ do/ 9 calta/
IffiiaAmanay. '
This is Bhikkhu Rahula. He "is lean with veins showing all over his body and who
meditates alone in the forest" at the Bhavana monastery/meditation center. When he is
not meditating he is working for the benefit of those who come to this center to
meditate and for those who live here. He does not expect any reward or recognition for
his work. On the day we dedicated the new meditation hall, I said to him that I would
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Preface by Venerable Henepola Gunaratana Maha Thera
like to say a few words about his work on the new hall. He told me, "&Ua&& daub say
wmj/iAm/^ a&oud/ ww. 9 uwuid fleet emAawassed to; kewv amj/ fllatt&uj/. "
Once he opened his eyes to the Dhamma, Bhikkhu Rahula began to appreciate the
value of his parents, teachers, friends, the Dhamma and the whole world. Not too many
people these days in the West fully appreciate what their parents have done for them.
As long as you remain blind to the truth of your parents' value you will never
appreciate their sacrifices for you. This was but a part of his awakening to the world
and to his life.
Ultimately, you are totally responsible for your life. Bhikkhu Rahula' s commitment
to the Dhamma and practice of meditation and Yoga brought him to an extraordinary
position. Today he is a prominent meditation and Yoga teacher, teaching all over the
world. He states very dramatically how he was "reborn" while listening in rapt
attention to a Dhamma talk on his first retreat in Nepal: "%kls/ Is/ %kanAs^u/uif &)ay/
[WiAMis/ C YloAPemA&vZ5 tt 1973),the/flimt/day<^bh&ve&bG^mAj/lifl&. c toadaij/ < ^) awi
teAawi/."
This actually is what you realize when you first glimpse the Truth of Dhamma. This
is inevitable. You have to experience it. No matter how many words you hear or read,
you will never be able to make this expression with total sincerity and honesty until
you touch the depth of Dhamma. "One Night's Shelter" can be an inspiration.
Venerable Henepola Gunaratana Maha Thera
Chief Sangha Nayaka of the United States
President of the Bhavana Society Forest Monastery/Meditation Center
Rt.1, Box 218-3
High View, West Virginia
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Introduction
INTRODUCTION
As an American living as a Buddhist monk in Sri Lanka, the most
common question I was posed by the local population as well as by the
Western tourists I met was, "Why have you become a Buddhist monk?"
Most of the curious expected a short, off the cuff reply, as it might have
been asked while standing on a street corner waiting for the bus. There is
really no simple direct answer to a question of such magnitude if one is to
do justice to it. One Night's Shelter or From Home to Homelessness is, you
might say, a long indirect reply or description of that process. I say process
because as I experienced it, there was no definite cut and dried decision
made in the matter which should become clear to the reader by the end of
the story.
The book is divided into two parts: the first half briefly describes my
growing up in Southern California during the fifties and sixties, three years
in the army with a stint in Vietnam, experimenting with drugs, then playing
the hippy while free-wheeling and dealing around half the globe to Nepal
where I was destined to meet my Gurus. This first part is characterized by
following the crowd, self-centeredness and living out my fantasies. The
second part traces the beginning of a conscious search for self
understanding and Truth — the journey of gradual spiritual awakening,
characterized by intense introspection and struggling against the ego's old
habits. The book ends with my ordination as a novice Buddhist monk in Sri
Lanka... Out of necessity for understanding what my mind was going
through much about the Buddhist and Yoga philosophy that I was learning
and practicing has been explained. Some of it may sound a bit heavy
especially for the readers without any prior background or serious interest
in what is called the Dhamma (Eastern spiritual teachings) but try and bear
it out. If sometimes I sound a bit hard or critical of myself, it is to
emphasize the deep rooted ignorance in the mind and the seriousness of the
matter as I saw it.
On the surface the book can be read simply as an interesting travel
adventure with lots of interesting tidbits of information about places, events
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Introduction
and people I learned about and met along the way. The style of writing and
the idiom used is fairly typical California street language with many slang
terms, especially those of the hippie/drug scene. This is done to try and give
a feeling of the state of mind I was being influenced by and operating
under. For those unfamiliar with these slang expressions as well as many of
the Eastern religious terms, I have attempted to make them clear, using
footnotes where necessary and a glossary at the end.
On a deeper level One Night's Shelter is a description of mental
conditioning and the process of life, the evolution of a mind from confusion
to clarity. It illustrates how a person is molded and acts primarily from his
or her environment, how the different people and situations one encounters
in life are not merely ends in themselves but are all part of life's mysterious
learning process. Each experience a person has — the hopes, desires,
pleasurable or painful experiences are just a momentary pause in which to
take refuge, or one night's shelter, before the continuing changing current
of life resumes. It is hoped that the reader will get a feeling for this as the
narrative unfolds and use it as a mirror to reflect upon oneself; after all,
conditioning and impermanence is conditioning and impermanence for
every person anywhere and anytime in the world, only the circumstances
vary. The book is written with the idea to provoke some thought, to laugh a
little, to identify with the author's feelings, passions, fantasies, foolhardy
stunts and confusion, seeing bits and pieces of oneself in these, and in the
end, perhaps to compassionately understand the outcome.
This is not intended to be a scholarly work. It is honestly and frankly how
I experienced everything along the way and how I interpreted it. There was
a ten to fifteen year gap between many of the events and this writing. Some
of the facts and details about travelling, places, events, and people may be
outdated or slightly off in accuracy. The descriptions if the meditation
courses — the schedule, teachings, teachers and people are a faithful as I
can remember but, again, it was how I saw or heard it. There may be
readers who had been at some of the same places or courses at the same
time and who may have had a different experience or account to tell of the
same event. Admittedly, I have been a little liberal and at times a bit cynical
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Introduction
in some of my observations but it all illustrates how the normal egoistic
mind functions.
Often throughout the text I switch from narrating in the past tense to
describe something of common knowledge or aspects of Dhamma in the
present tense, or switch from the first person to second person or the third
person. This is done to try and involve 'you' more, by not seeing everything
as only happening and pertaining to someone else in the past. An appendix
is included with numbered notes from the text. These mainly enlarge upon a
certain fact or topic which may or may not be known or be of interest,
dealing with aspects of Buddhist meditation and psychology, Yoga,
customs of a country, and people.
Relax into it and enjoy.
Bhikkhu Yogavacara Rahula
Bhavana Society
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Introduction
10-
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Chapter 1: Growing Up
CHAPTER I
GROWING UP
/came into this world on the first day of summer in 1948 in a dusty town
in Southern California near the Mexican border. I have a sister five years
older and a brother one year older than myself. My mother was a
schoolteacher and my father was a tractor salesman. I do not remember a
whole lot about my earliest childhood but a couple of incidences stood out.
Our house had a large backyard and we had a lot of pets including cats, a
dog, ducks and a skunk. While playing with the baby ducks my brother
used to throw them up into the air like a ball and catch them as they came
down. One time he missed and the baby duck crashed to the ground and
died. I was watching this and was saddened when we rushed to it but it
didn't move. Mom told us it was dead and we had to place the dead duck in
a shoebox and bury it. I cried as we covered it over with earth. Another
time a big German Sheppard dog which belonged to the neighbors jumped
over the back fence and chased the terrified quacking ducks around the
yard. The dog finally caught the biggest male duck and killed it. Again I
cried. We kids also saw the birth of life to complement the death we saw.
We witnessed our cat deliver a litter of tiny fluffy kittens and there were
white mice which had as many as eight or ten babies at a time. These were
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Chapter 1: Growing Up
all valuable lessons in the realities of life which were imprinted on my
growing young mind.
I had the average wholesome lifestyle of the time, joining the Y.M.C.A.,
the Boy Scouts, going on camping trips and being influenced by the new
fascinating invention, television. My parents also took my older brother,
sister and me to the local Methodist Church and Sunday school every week.
I played sports in school and started surfing in 1962. When my brother
turned sixteen our parents bought him an orange colored 1952 Chevy which
we nicknamed, the crayfish. We would drive down the fifty miles from
Riverside to the beach at least twice a month on a surfing safari. My parents
also bought me a car on my sixteenth birthday, a black 1954 Ford panel
delivery van. I started cruising the streets with my friends, going to parties,
drinking beer and wine, having different girl friends and generally just
having fun. It was the era of the pop and rock music explosion, long hair,
faded Levis and T-shirts and the more casual free lifestyle for youth, which
started in California and quickly spread. It was the cultural revolution with
the experimentation and popularity of marijuana and LSD 7 and emergence
of the hippie movement. I very much indulged in and was conditioned by
that eventful time period.
During one of my many surfing trips to Baja California, in Tijuana, I was
walking along the street where there were many handicraft shops selling
colorful paintings, pottery, blankets, leather goods, etcetera. I passed a shop
which had various assorted clay statues all neatly stacked up on display. I
had seen many of these before but something caught my eye as I walked by.
I looked over, and perched there on top of a whole array of tall cats, bulls,
matadors and other images, I saw a golden colored statue of a sitting
Buddha. It stood out like a sore thumb above the others and I was intrigued
by it. It seemed to be silently saying something to me. At that time,
however, I did not know that it was specifically a Buddha statue. But its
demeanor and tranquil look, sitting there above the riot of color and gaudy
pottery was such a contrast that I bought it and took it home. I put it on top
*■ LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide) is one of the major drugs making up the hallucinogen class. LSD was discovered in
1938 and is one of the most potent mood-changing chemicals. It is manufactured from lysergic acid, which is found in
ergot, a fungus that grows on rye and other grains.
- 12-
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Chapter 1: Growing Up
of the old broken television set I had in my bedroom and used it as a place
to hang the straw hat I used to wear. When my mother saw it she was a little
surprised and told me it was a statue of the Buddha, the founder of the
Buddhist religion. How she knew I don't know. I looked it up in the
Encyclopedia and read about Buddha's life and the religion he founded. It
sounded a bit interesting but did not really "turn me on" at the time. I still
used it as a hat rack. On an unconscious level, however, I think that image
had a slow and subtle effect on my mind.
I graduated from high school in 1966 during the escalation of the Vietnam
War. I went to junior college for one year and started to study the new field
of data processing and computer science. It was during this period that I
started smoking pot. I first experienced the marijuana 'high' while on a
surfing expedition down to Mazatlan, Mexico after graduation from high
school with a group of surfing friends. By and by I was smoking pot quite
regularly along with taking 'reds' and 'speed' from time to time and
drinking beer. By this time the antiwar sentiment and protests were gaining
momentum. I did not have any deep emotions about the legality or morality
of the Vietnam War and didn't really understand what it was all about. We
were only told "to stop the spread of evil communism." Many of my
nineteen year old friends were getting drafted and I knew I would be next
anyway. So in December of 1967 I joined the Army along with a friend
named, Dave. Joining meant committing myself for three years instead of
the normal two for draftees. But it gave one the opportunity to choose the
type of training one wanted. Most draftees were sent into the infantry. I
chose training in electronics.
After boot camp and advanced training I was sent to the NATO forces in
Germany. There I was assigned to an armored infantry unit to repair radios
on tanks. The name of my particular tank outfit was F troop. And the
similarities with the old television program of the same name were not far
off. While there I started to smoke a lot of hashish and took LSD for the
first time. Staying stoned a lot I usually had a big Cheshire cat grin on my
face and I picked up the nickname, 'Smiley'. Even the First Sergeant, not
remembering my name, resorted to calling me Smiley. I liked that, it was
great fun. There were a lot of 'crazy' guys in F Troop and I guess I kind of
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Chapter 1: Growing Up
added to it. Being from California I was something like a rebel hippie
soldier. I had relatively long hair and a moustache and wore 'love beads'.
This was considered unsoldier-like, unpatriotic behavior by the 'lifers' or
career sergeants and officers. I was harassed and called a 'California queer
punk'. After six months three friends and I decided to go AWOL. One night
we slipped out of the barracks, went into the nearby town of Bamberg and
got on our 'freedom train' to Copenhagen. We thought we might go to
Stockholm and desert the Army to seek political asylum, as some
Americans did. But we decided against it. After twenty-nine days in
Copenhagen we voluntarily surrendered to the military attache and were
sent back to Germany to happily face our punishment. The four of us were
court-martialed and sentenced to three months in the Army prison near
Nuremberg.
I wrote to my parents just before going into prison explaining as best I
could what I had done and my feelings about it, and what punishment I was
receiving. When I got a reply from them a month later my thoughts about
their feelings were confirmed. Their initial reactions were of disbelief,
horror and shock. They heard of this happening to other GIs but they never
imagined it happening to their own son. My father was especially bitter as
he had been an officer during the 'big war' and he was highly patriotic. It
was difficult for them to tell the other family members and naturally they
did not tell any of their friends about it for fear of shame. Eventually,
however, they cooled down and sort of got over it.
After release from prison I was transferred to another Army unit located
just near the army prison in Furth. This was the Headquarters Company for
the Seventh Army. While in this new unit I met new army buddies and had
more freedom than I had had in F troop. I switched my official army job
position. I began to work in the data processing department to run the now
outdated IBM machines like collators, sorters etcetera. I was even sent to a
special one week Army school in the Alps to learn this. I usually worked
only three or four hours at night and had the days and weekends free. I
bought a used Volkswagen van and a group of us used to drive down to
Munich on the weekends to participate in the carefree hippie scene, which
included tripping on LSD in the English Gardens park numerous times. It
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Chapter 1: Growing Up
was here that I first met American and European hippies who were
returning from overland trips to India and Morocco, who related their
interesting adventures, including where to get strong, cheap hashish. During
this summer of 1969 I read in the newspapers of the Great Woodstock Rock
Festival taking place in upstate New York. I remember having serious envy
for the lucky persons who were able to indulge in all that free spirited
music, drugs and sex.
During these six months, in Headquarters Company I got along nicely
with almost everyone except the inevitable one or two 'lifers'. One of them
did not like me because he knew I was an ex-con and, moreover, a pot-head
and kind of revolutionary — at least as far as GIs he knew. He thought I
was having too much freedom and fun for someone just getting out of
prison and it irked him. Unfortunately, this particular personnel sergeant
was in charge of handling transfers of men to different duty stations. So
very discreetly he managed to get me reassigned to go to Vietnam. Before I
knew it, I received a thirty days notice informing me of my being
transferred to South Vietnam. I was quite unprepared for this sudden news,
as I was so wrapped up in staying stoned and having a good time. But I
soon accepted it without qualms and realized that it was just another
chapter in this seemingly big joke of life.
So having only thirty days left in Europe I decided to take a quick two
week trip to London and Amsterdam, two cities I had been wanting to visit.
I got leave immediately approved because of my circumstances and talked a
friend into coming with me. We spent a week in London and a week in
Amsterdam. Besides the usual tourist circuit of London we saw the musical
play HAIR and the newly released movie Easy Rider, both of which moved
me with deep feeling and emotion. In Amsterdam we reveled in the
international hippie drug cult scene, which seemed like a 'hippie's heaven'
for a city anyway. The Dutch people appeared very liberal and tolerant
towards most of this and the straight and the stoned seemed to mix
harmoniously. Here I met more young people who told of their recent
adventures of travelling overland to India and Nepal, which further
increased my desire to do the same journey one day.
15
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Chapter 1: Growing Up
I was given a two week leave before I had to report to Fort Lewis,
Washington from where I would fly to Vietnam. By this time many of my
friends who had been drafted around the same time that I had joined were
back home and out of active military service. Dave was also back. He had
been sent to 'Nam' and was in the frontline fighting. He had been hit by a
grenade that landed in his foxhole. Both his legs below the knees were
blown off and much shrapnel had embedded in his body. He had been in the
hospital in San Francisco for several months undergoing operations and had
been fitted with artificial legs on which he was now learning to walk and
adjust mentally. His spirits were very low. A few other friends had also
been wounded in Vietnam and one killed in action. I visited with some of
these wounded friends and we got stoned together. It felt a little strange to
be with them, imagining what they had gone through and suffered
compared with the free-wheeling times I experienced in Germany. I did not
tell them that I had gone AWOL and was court-martialed and sent to prison.
These visits made me reflect on the idea of fate and why people have to
experience what they do. What was it that determined my going to
Germany and Dave's going to Vietnam and things like that? Could it really
be a God that was controlling these life dramas? I really didn't know. Only
much later when studying Eastern philosophy and the Law of Uamivia would
this question be adequately resolved in my perplexed mind.
I had heard from other army guys that when a person was reporting for
duty in Vietnam he could get away with arriving at Fort Lewis up to one or
two weeks late. This amounted to being AWOL but due to the
circumstances (going to Nam anyway) generally one did not receive any
punishment, they just shipped you off quickly. So, liking to live
adventurously I decided to unofficially extend my leave an extra week and
take my chances. I did not tell my parents this however. They thought I just
had an extra long leave because of going to Nam. For one week of my leave
a few old friends including Dave who could now get along ok on his new
artificial legs went down to our old surfing haunt near Ensenada (Baja,
Mexico). We rented a house on the beach and sort of just partied down like
old times. We took with us a good supply of pot and LSD for good measure
and we went into Ensenada town to get drunk at Hussong's Cantina a few
times. It was a nice reunion for all of us. We met a few college coeds from
16 ■
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Chapter 1: Growing Up
San Diego State also there on holiday and so was able to satisfy my sexual
urges as well. As I was going to the war in Vietnam and not knowing what
to expect, it could have well been my last good time, so I made it count.
For the last few days of my extended leave Dave, who could drive a car,
drove me up to Berkeley where we stayed with some old girlfriends from
Riverside who now were living there with some other people. Dave also
wanted to drop by the big Veterans Hospital in San Francisco where he had
spent several months on his return from Vietnam. He wished to visit some
of his wounded buddies who were still in the hospital. We went into the
large amputee ward where there were about a hundred young men, all of
whom had missing one or two arms or legs or a combination thereof. One
young man had both arms and both legs amputated due to extreme injuries
suffered in the war. Some were sitting in wheelchairs or lying on their beds
talking or joking amongst themselves. Some were learning to use their new
artificial limbs, and others were quietly reading, sleeping or starring out
into blank space. Dave talked with some of the guys he knew while I
mostly just stood back at a distance. A thought like, "I may come back like
that" entered my mind. After a few minutes of seeing all this I got
butterflies in my stomach and became nauseated. I had to exit quickly to
find a bathroom. My body became feverish and I felt very weak. I was
amazed at this strong body reaction. I patiently waited outside for Dave to
come out and then we left.
The next day a small group of us from the house in Berkeley went on an
outing in Muir Woods, a protected forest area located north across the
Golden Gate Bridge in Marin County. We all ingested some mescaline
capsules and spent the afternoon strolling through the tall, thick, shady
redwood trees with vibrant green ferns and mosses adding to the luxuriant
foliage. I felt very close to this natural beauty and sensed the subtle energy
of living life all around, with the spongy softness of the cool mossy covered
earth beneath my bare feet. That evening we went to the famous Fillmore
Auditorium in San Francisco to a concert and light show with the Steve
Miller Band. I was still pretty 'high' and the music of Space Cowboy was a
perfect climax to a beautiful day. The next day I was flying to Fort Lewis.
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Chapter 1: Growing Up
I was one week tardy upon reporting at Fort Lewis and the army had
started cracking down on soldiers coming late for their one week Vietnam
orientation training. All of us who were more than three days overdue, and
there were many, were given an "Article 15". This is the Army's equivalent
of a misdemeanor and we were fined twenty dollars for each day we were
late. I was then assigned to a new platoon and had to undergo a week of
simulated jungle combat training, the standard for all soldiers going to the
Vietnam War zone for the first time. This included how to watch out for
bobby traps and anti personnel mines and give emergency first aid, which
was reassuring. We were issued a new set of jungle fatigues, boots and
other items made for tropical conditions and we had to wear that funny new
suit on the airplane. We were told that sometimes airplanes were fired upon
by the enemy when landing in Vietnam, so we had to be ready for combat
the moment we touched down. But I think that was just a bunch of typical
army BS designed to scare us raw recruits into taking the training seriously.
For one more experience I had saved a hit of acid (LSD) to take during
the plane flight. It was a commercial flight which the military chartered to
fly the vast numbers of soldiers back and forth from the war zone. I
ingested the acid just before boarding as I wanted to be 'peaking' when the
plane took off. It was just my luck to be seated next to an Army Captain.
He must have thought I was scared of going to Nam and started telling me
not to worry, he had been there three times already, and that I should be
proud to fight for the suppression of Communism. And all that while I was
getting off on the acid! The plane landed in Anchorage, Alaska for
refueling and we all had to deplane for one hour. I was pretty stoned by
now and with mountains and snow everywhere it felt like I was stepping off
onto the top of the world. The ground appeared to undulate and sway.
Instead of going into the terminal building like everyone else, I stayed
outside to continue the unique experience. We landed again at the military
section of the Tokyo airport and had to deplane again. In the waiting area
was a group of soldiers just returning from Vietnam and they made it
known to us new guys, using a few 'four letter words' that they were
getting out.
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
Chapter 1: Growing Up
All of us new recruits were nervously peering out the windows to see if
the Vietcong were out there waiting for us as we landed. But all was calm
and peaceful in the bright sunlight amidst the giant sand dunes of Cam-
Ranh Bay on the South China Sea. I waited one day in the reception station
for orders to which unit I would be sent, hoping like hell it would not be an
active combat unit. Fortunately, I was stationed in a medical supply
company. Because of my college experience with data processing I was
selected to operate a stock-record accounting machine processing medical
supply orders. I was even sent to a one week training program to learn how
to operate and troubleshoot the NCR500. It was situated at Long-Binh Post,
a large Army base near Saigon away from active combat zones. Because
operating this machine was considered an important job I was exempt from
all other duties. I only had to work four or five hours at night in an air-
conditioned van especially built to house the delicate electronic system. My
job was basically pretty easy and routine so that I could get stoned and still
operate the machine well enough. The guards and I would get together for a
'joint' break at least once a night.
As in Germany, many U.S. soldiers in Vietnam smoked lots of dope and
some even used heroin to numb their minds from the horrors and
depression of being in a place we did not want to be. We knew the war was
becoming a farce and not worth the cost materially and psychologically. I
just stayed stoned as much as possible waiting for the day I would return
home.
Heroin was easily available in white powder form which could be snorted
up the nose. Many guys in our company used the stuff to get real stoned.
Being in a medical supply company syringes and needles were readily
available, and several hard core junkies 'shot it up'. I also began using the
stuff for the first time but snorting it through the nose only. I never put a
needle in my arm nor did I get to the point of being uncontrollably addicted.
Life for the GI in Vietnam was depressing both in the combat zones as well
as in the rear, perhaps more so in the support units located away from active
combat. Here where it was relatively safe there was more time to think and
get depressed.
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Our company was situated near a large army hospital. Nearby was the
morgue where the corpses of American soldiers killed in the battlefield
were brought. Almost everyday we could see large stacks of olive green
'body bags' waiting to be processed, so I knew that many young American
boys were dying every day out in the rice paddies.
One day a few friends and I took a truck from the motor pool and drove
down to Vung-Tau, a popular beach resort about fifty miles from Long-
Binh. We drove through the paddy fields and palm trees toward the coast,
bare chested, drinking beer and smoking joints in the warm tropical sun
with our hair blowing in the breeze. On the way we saw an armored convoy
of tanks and APCs evidently on some kind of patrol or combat mission. We
waved our beer cans at them as we passed by at a short distance. They must
have thought that we were crazy driving like we were, unprotected,
unarmed, undoubtedly high and not giving a damn. A few of the armed
soldiers waved back at us, probably envious.
We spent much of the day at the beach swimming and soaking up the
rays, and of course getting more stoned. At one point while floating out in
the water on an innertube I looked up at the cliff overlooking the beach and
saw four Buddhist monks wrapped in bright orange robes, their smooth
shaven heads glistening in the bright sunlight. I watched with rapt attention
as they slowly descended the steep trail down to the sandy beach. They
slowly and mindfully removed their outer robes, folded them up and placed
them on the rocks. Then clad only in their under robe they went to the
water's edge where they laid down on the sand to let the incoming and
outgoing tide move their lithe bodies gently to and fro. This was the first
time I had ever seen real Buddhist monks and I did not know what they
were doing exactly. I supposed that they were doing some kind of
meditation, but not really knowing what that meant at the time. They
continued like that for about thirty minutes before getting up and departing
in the same slow mindful way they had come. Late that afternoon we
happy-go-lucky GIs drove back to Long Binh Post and continued partying
in my room as though nothing had happened.
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Chapter 1: Growing Up
In January 1 97 1 my three years in the army were over. At the beginning
of December I was given notice that I would be going back to the States for
discharge. Just before leaving I was promoted to the rank of Specialist Fifth
Class (Spec. 5). I also received the Army Commendation Medal for
meritorious, dedicated service. I really had to laugh at this because of my
previous record of AWOLs, court-martial, prison and using the army as a
time to remain almost always stoned while seeing much of the world. First I
was flown to Fort Lewis, Washington where I was formally discharged
from active service and then took a normal commercial flight to Los
Angeles. At LAX I quickly went into the restroom, hurriedly shed my army
dress uniform and stuffed it into a trashcan. I put on a pair of faded jeans
and t-shirt (which I had taken with me to Vietnam), got on the RTD bus and
headed home to Riverside thinking, "What in God's sake is next?"
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Chapter 1: Growing Up
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CHAPTER 2
EXPANDING HORIZONS
Within two weeks after my discharge from the Army in January, 1971, 1
had enrolled back at the junior college in Riverside (RCC) to continue my
studies. I tried to leave the military experience behind me and catch up with
free living and partying. I started growing my hair and beard out and to
acquire the hippie image. I continued smoking dope and taking
psychedelics because it was the 'in thing' to do, at least among my peers.
At this, however, I also became interested in Transcendental Meditation
(TM) which was gaining in popularity. Dave and I and another friend,
named Tom, went to the TM lectures held at the University of California,
Riverside (UCR). The lectures were well presented and the psychological
description of the mental process and different states of consciousness
experienced in meditation interested me very much. Tom and I decided to
take the initiation but Dave wasn't so turned on. We were told that we
would have to stop using all non-prescribed drugs and smoking pot or
taking LSD for a period of two weeks prior to the initiation ceremony. This
stipulation came as a surprise but I decided to try it, taking it as a challenge.
Dave didn't want to make that sacrifice and Tom dropped out when he
learned that he would have to bring flowers and a piece of fruit for the
initiation ritual.
I succeeded in stopping to smoke any grass or hash during the two weeks,
paid the required thirty-five dollars fee (student concession), went through
the short initiation ceremony to receive my mantra and began faithfully
practicing. I enjoyed the twenty minute meditation sittings twice a day and
felt there was a lot of potential and value to be developed from meditating.
However, I still had the desire to maintain my growing hippie image and
get loaded. So after about one month I decided to leave off the meditation
practice, but with the idea to come back to it when I had burned out my
desire for getting stoned.
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At the time I don't think that this interest in meditation was motivated by
a conscious desire for spiritual enquiry. It was most likely due to a desire to
experience something new, which I always had a penchant for and perhaps
a growing disillusionment with being dependent on using dope to get high.
But as I reflected on it later, it was probably the innate, often unconscious
or latent inclination and pull towards Truth or God which is in all of us, that
was beginning to knock on doors. The events over the previous years all
added their little bit to precipitate this search and would continue to do so,
albeit in seemingly odd ways. During this time also, I came across a copy
of 'Be Here Now', the spiritual primer by Ram Dass which I read with
great interest. It coincided with the TM practice and helped put into words
the direction my mind was evidently beginning to take. I began trying to
live more or less in the present moment or what I thought was the present
moment, by following the flow of day to day situations as they happened to
occur. I did not force myself to follow any rigid pattern except, of course,
getting stoned. I thought that living in the present was to allow the
automatic course that one's life seemed to take, without trying to control it.
During the Spring break a few friends and I drove down to Palm Springs
to join in the party atmosphere. While walking around town to find a party
we came upon a large enclosed area with a huge tent erected inside. It was a
revival meeting of 'born again Christians'. Some of these 'Jesus Freaks'
were outside trying to get passersby to come inside and listen to the
testimonials being given. I decided to go inside just for the fun of it. Once
inside the tent I listened to a few persons relating how they 'found Christ',
how they were converted to this strong back-to-the Bible belief. They
described how their life before was full of confusion and pain, or they had
been addicted to drugs and/or alcohol. But now they had attained salvation
and happiness through a firm conviction that Jesus Christ was the only Son
of God and the only way to get to Heaven to live with God. One of these
people came and sat down with me and asked if I believed in God. This was
the first time I ever had to think about how to answer this big question.
Although I had been brought up going to a Methodist Church I never really
had formed a strong conviction or feeling about God or Jesus. I suppose I
had more or less just taken them for granted. But now with my growing
exposure to Eastern religion I was beginning to vaguely relate to that
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philosophy with its expanded meaning of God more than to the Christian
idea. So I tried explaining to this guy, "I do not believe God is an individual
person or creator who governs the world with an iron fist from his control
room in heaven, punishing or rewarding people". I said, "God is more like a
kind and wise pervasive energy from which everything has somehow
evolved". Again, these responses did not come from any deep personal
insight or firm conviction. I was more or less mimicking what I had
recently picked up, but it sounded good. This Jesus freak would not buy any
of that Eastern way of thinking and he kept interrupting with his witty
quotes from the Bible which was supposed to be proof of the Divine law.
After fifteen minutes or so I became tired of his trying to convert me. I
abruptly departed to rejoin my friends, smoke a joint and find a party.
That summer I took a two-and-a-half month hitchhiking trip through
Europe, Spain, and Morocco. In Amsterdam I met a blonde girl from Santa
Cruz named Terri. She accompanied me hitchhiking down to Spain. She
was strong, independent and good-looking, a factor which helped get rides.
We spent a week travelling through Germany and Southern France to arrive
at Pamplona in time for the "running of the bulls" festival. Pamplona is a
virtual twenty-four hour orgy of wine drinking and partying in the streets
and plazas during this week in mid- July. Each morning the brave and the
drunk, or the just plain foolish, run through a specially set up corridor in the
city streets in front of stampeding horned bulls. If a person stumbles and
falls he may get trampled or gored. Every year one or two persons is killed
or injured in this manner. Fortunately, I was not drunk enough, or was too
drunk, or just plain chicken. This was one ego-boosting experience I elected
not to try.
After two days of that craziness we continued down to Barcelona and
caught the ship to Ibiza, a small picturesque island off the coast of
Valencia. We found an un-crowded beach on the back side of the island
where we made our small camp. I had a little propane burner on which we
prepared simple meals and coffee. The two of us spent a very restful,
enjoyable five days in this spot, drinking wine, smoking hash, sun-tanning
our bodies in the nude and making love under the moonlit, starry sky. These
were the last days of our being together. From here, Terri was proceeding
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on her own back to Barcelona and on to Italy by train before returning to
California and college in late August. I was continuing my own journey
down to Morocco and then back up through Portugal and Amsterdam for
my return in early September.
It had been a pleasurable, casual relationship, at times intimate, but
without attachment. We enjoyed each other's company physically and
mentally and satisfied our mutual individual needs in the present moment
and situation. When it came time for parting there was no attachment,
regret, ill feeling or guilt; I felt very comfortable and free in a relationship
like that. My experience in the Army of always being under someone's
thumb — being told what to do, toeing the line, and so on made me
appreciate freedom once again. I did not want to commit myself to anybody
or any situation which would entail limitations or responsibility. I was
living for myself and relished that freedom of movement.
I then continued alone down to Morocco where I sojourned for two weeks
in the Atlantic coast town of Essouira. There were many European hippies
here. In a tiny, nearly deserted village two miles south I met a small group
of mostly French junkies and camped nearby for a couple days. I smoked
chillums and rapped with them on occasion. One of them narrated his
adventures of travelling across the mid-East from Istanbul to India
describing all the ins and outs of travelling, all the good dope he smoked
and wonderful and weird people he met.
From these conversations I decided on definitely planning to come back
the following year, when my junior college program would be completed,
and making a similar trip to India. But, for now, I had this return ticket and
had to think about beginning the long journey back to Amsterdam. On the
journey north, all I could think of was the next summer when I would finish
school, tie up all loose ends, cut off obligations, and be free with no time
limitations.
The day after arriving home from that trip I registered for the fall
semester. I gave up my previous interest in data processing and began
taking classes that would be useful in my future travels and at the same
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time fulfill the requirements for a two-year general education degree. I
continued the Spanish classes I had already begun, enrolled in classes in
cooking, geography, cultural anthropology and world religions. I thought
that if I was going to travel halfway around the world to India and possibly
beyond, I should have at least a basic working knowledge of the geography,
social customs, history and religious beliefs of those countries and people I
would be encountering.
One day after the winter semester had begun, I was sitting in the middle
of the quadrangle with a few friends, having just smoked a chillum and
basking in the crisp morning sunshine. Thus seated, a young blond wearing
big glasses walked up to me and told me quite openly, "I saw you in a
dream." Well this came as a little surprise and I replied, "Well, why don't
you sit right down here and let's talk about it." Her name was Gail and she
had never seen me until a few days before when the new classes started.
She related how she had this dream a couple weeks prior in which my face
appeared clearly and then disappeared. We were in the same Spanish class
this term and when she saw my face for the first time on the first day, she
recognized me as the face in her dream. I did not know whether or not to
believe her, but I went along with it. I had heard of these kind of psychic
phenomenon happening, but at the same time I figured it was just a way for
her to break the ice, for us to meet. I thought it was all quite interesting and
she was cute, so we struck up a friendship and began seeing a lot of each
other.
Gail was only nineteen and already had a three-year old daughter, and
was living alone with the child in a rented house. She hired a babysitter to
take care of the child while she was at college and working her part-time
job. The father of the child was living in another town and they were never
married. It was a case of the common teenage 'puppy love' affair and
sexual promiscuity which flourishes in modern American society and ends
up in so many unwed mothers, unwanted children, abortions, and much
mental suffering.
I started sleeping with her at her house a couple nights a week. We had
our Spanish class two days a week and on the night before I stayed at her
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place and we would go to school together. After a while she began
developing more attachment and possessiveness to me than I could handle.
At school she always wanted to be with me, to hold hands and so on. I felt
uncomfortable in this situation, probably because of my previous liberal
experience with Terri and the freedom I enjoyed. It also cut into the amount
of time I was spending with the guys. I still wanted to be free to go out with
my friends to get loaded, drink beer, go to parties and so on. But at the
same time I wanted to have a woman whom I could enjoy sexually. I guess
I was not ready for a serious, personal love relationship with one person
where I would have to exercise so-called adult or mature responsibility.
Nevertheless, we continued our relationship, but I made it clear to her that I
would be going on an unlimited, unconditional trip to India in a few months
time. For all intents and purposes that meant terminating our close
relationship.
Ever since my return the previous summer, I had been trying to talk some
of my friends into coming with me on this next journey. I narrated to them
all the adventures that I had that last summer and how great and free it was
to be out on the road in those places. I explained that it would be an
opportunity to expand their horizons out of the limited and routine boredom
of their respective lives and menial jobs and perhaps give more meaning to
their lives. I finally succeeded in convincing three of them to come on this
'Grand European Expedition' at least as far as Morocco. Most of them had
too much attachment or involvement with jobs, girlfriends or educational
pursuits to go indefinitely.
For the next couple of months the four of us were busy making our plans.
As I was the only one who had been to Europe before I was sort of the main
planner, giving advice and suggestions. I had an idea or fantasy of what I
wanted to do to have fun and adventure. I envisioned taking a large amount
of LSD and selling it in cities like Copenhagen, Amsterdam and Munich. I
wanted to make enough money to buy myself a BMW motorcycle and ride
across Europe and through the mid-East to India. Once in India I would just
leave it somewhere and take off on foot or donkey cart to wherever the
supposed magic and lure would lead me. After that I had no plans. I even
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left open the option of never returning to the USA if that was what fate had
in store for me.
In that last semester I took a class in world religions where we studied the
philosophy and religious tenets of Christianity, Judaism, Islam,
Hinduism/Yoga and Buddhism. The teacher of this class was a middle-aged
woman who said she was a Yoga teacher and had been to India doing
research during her studies. We spent about two weeks studying each
religion and had to write a term paper on the one that interested us the most.
Buddhism was the religion I chose to write about because it attracted me
more than the others. I went to the college and city libraries to research
different aspects of the history, development and doctrines of Buddhism. I
became very intrigued and fascinated reading and trying to understand the
theories of kamma, rebirth, suffering, Nirvana and meditation. This was the
first time I had really studied this philosophy, though I had heard about it in
a more general way. These Eastern ideas about life, birth and death seemed
more plausible, something I could relate to a little better than the standard
Judaeo/Christian version. I had never been so interested and absorbed in
writing a school paper and it even surprised me. Now I had a better
appreciation and respect for the Buddha statue I still had in my room. I
received the highest mark in the entire class, an A-plus, and the teacher
wrote praising remarks on my depth of study and comprehension. However,
the enthusiasm generated by writing this paper quickly faded away on the
conscious level and I was again absorbed in my plans for getting the 'big
trip' together.
Through a few contacts I found a person who could score for me four
thousand tabs of orange sunshine LSD. Each orange barrel was potent
enough for four persons to get off nicely, being four- way hits. This was
what I wanted to take and sell in Europe to finance my fantasy of buying a
motorcycle and riding to India. I paid eight hundred dollars for the whole
lot. Four thousand hits were more than I had planned on but it was such a
good deal I bought them all. One of the guys going with me offered to buy
half of them and so we split it. I was planning to smuggle it into Europe by
wrapping the tabs inside my socks put at the bottom of my pack.
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The three others going with me were Barry, Fred and Rick. The four of us
decided on the cheapest and most fun way to reach Europe. We were going
to drive a delivery car from California to the East coast. From a certain
agency we would be given a car to be delivered to the owner at a certain
destination in New York or Boston. All we had to do was to pay for gas.
Divided up four ways, it would amount to only about twenty-five dollars
each. We decided to fly from New York to Stockholm and begin our
odyssey in Scandinavia. Stockholm was chosen for a couple of reasons.
One was that it is situated at the top of the continent and we thought we
might as well see it all while we're at it. I had never been that far north in
Scandinavia so this would be a good opportunity. Another reason, maybe
the deciding factor, was that a good friend of mine knew a dope dealer in
Stockholm who would probably like to purchase either all or part of the
acid at a good price. That way I would not have to carry all of it around and
could make most of the money at once. And that summer there happened to
be particularly cheap tickets for Stockholm.
During the last year I had been buying grass and hash in larger quantities
of a pound or kilo in order to get it at a cheaper price. I then resold the
larger portion to get my invested money back and kept the rest as a kind of
profit. In this way, I always had a sufficient stash to smoke myself and
share with others. This is how I could afford to make up large chillums at
parties and help everyone get loaded and I felt good doing it.
Friends often came over to the house to buy a lid of grass or a gram or
two of hash. In the process we would usually smoke a sample in my
bedroom, listen to my stereo and do our tiny business transaction, and then
they would leave. This went on without my parents really knowing what
was going on. They did, however, catch on that I was smoking pot because
they could smell it. My mother was a vice-principal at one of the more
rowdy junior high schools in Riverside and she was very aware of the drug
situation. Young boys and girls came to her school stoned and even sold
drugs at school to the other kids. My mother had to deal with many problem
kids, pot smokers, pregnant fourteen year old girls and even kids crazed out
of their skulls on LSD or angel dust. So Mom was alert and could fairly
well guess by the way I acted sometimes that I was also a user.
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Being loving, caring parents, they did not approve of my experimentation
with drugs but they could not really stop me. They realized I was already a
fairly matured man, being twenty -two with three years in the Army. The
drug use did not actually create any serious problems in my daily life and
my grades at college were above average. So Mom and Dad tolerated my
lifestyle during this period and even allowed me to smoke in my room at
home. They would rather have me get stoned at home than go out in public
and possibly get in an accident or get busted. They hoped that sooner or
later (the sooner the better) I would grow out of this need for drugs and
return to a more stereotyped straight life with marriage, children and the
whole bit. Perhaps my use of drugs had something to do with my gradual
disinterest in obtaining a four-year university degree and planning out a
lifelong career. My brother never experimented with dope-smoking and
was following this standard middle-class lifestyle and doing quite well in
that respect. He had his Engineering degree and was established in a secure,
well-paying job as an electronics engineer, was married, expecting a kid,
and had bought a nice house in a respectable suburban neighborhood.
My parents, of course, would have preferred me to follow in his footsteps
but they never pressed the subject. Mom knew in her own way that each
person is a unique individual and must follow his or her own inner calling
and, therefore, left the final decision for what I would do with my life up to
me. I explained to them that I was undertaking this around-the-world
adventure to see how the other half lives and perhaps discover something
inside myself or about myself which would open up new horizons or a new
direction to take. I said, I did not know how long I would be gone but, if I
discovered something new and interesting enough to hold me, it might be
five or ten years, or perhaps I would never come back. They did not really
believe this and thought that I would probably become bored or homesick
and return to finish my next two years at a university.
The four of us were planning to depart on our drive east the day after my
last final exam of the semester was over. This would complete my two year
Associate in Arts degree in good standing and there was to be a formal
graduation ceremony the following Friday night. But I did not want to even
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wait the few extra days to participate in the ceremony to officially receive
my diploma. I felt it was no big deal to achieve an AA degree, and did not
attend — much to my parents' dismay.
The night before our departure there was a big going away party at the
large house where Barry and Rick were living. Ten cases of beer were on
hand and steaks were barbequed over a fire pit dug in the back yard. We
originally invited only our old and close friends. But as usually happens,
the word got out and about one hundred people showed up, some whom we
didn't even know. I wanted to test the orange-sunshine acid I had bought so
I crushed up twenty orange barrels and passed the pieces around in a dish.
Everyone was drinking beer, smoking hash and grass and nibbling acid and
feasting; the music was turned up full blast. Needless to say everyone got
quite 'ripped'. The party got quite loud and boisterous and the straight
neighbors called the police who arrived and told us to, "cool it". We turned
down the music and tried to get the uninvited guests to leave. Things finally
quieted down and the party mellowed out, leaving just close friends
smoking their last chillum together before 'The Grand European
Expedition'.
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Chapter 3: Across Europe
CHAPTER 3
ACROSS EUROPE
.As planned, the four of us drove the delivery car from Riverside to New
York. On my parents driveway I had bid farewell to my parents and a
tearful Gail with big hugs and kisses. We then took off in the air-
conditioned Buick on interstate 10 across the Southern California desert. A
dope dealer friend of ours had given us a nice going away present — an
ounce of good pot and a gram of cocaine to make the drive eastward
supercharged with energy. Going casually and enjoying ourselves and
changing drivers, the drive took us four days to reach New York. We flew
to the Land of the Midnight Sun, landing in Stockholm in time to celebrate
the "midsummer" festival on June 21st, which coincidentally was my
birthday. While waiting in line to be checked through customs I was quite
nervous. I had packed all the LSD tabs into a sock and placed it at the
bottom of my pack. A few persons in front were being pulled aside and
thoroughly checked and my heart began to beat harder. I tried my best to
appear outwardly calm. As I came in front of the customs inspector he
looked at me and my passport and asked to see my return air-ticket, how
much money I had, and how long I would stay in Sweden. I showed him
my passport and the five hundred dollars in traveler's checks that I had and
told him that I was planning to stay in Sweden only two weeks. He seemed
satisfied and wished me a pleasant stay in Sweden and motioned me
through. Fred, who was behind me and luckily not carrying any illegal
substances was pulled aside and his pack gone through with a fine tooth
comb. What an ironic start to crazier times ahead!
The first thing on the agenda was to find the Swedish guy who might
want to buy a large portion of my orange sunshine barrels. I wanted to
unload it because it was like sitting on top of dynamite, so I would not have
to worry about it anymore. I had his address and with a little searching we
found the apartment where he lived with his girlfriend. They were hippie
types who made jewelry and sold it on the open street-markets as did many
others in Stockholm. When he saw the little orange barrels his eyes lit up
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Chapter 3: Across Europe
and he seemed very interested and we talked a bit. He wanted to buy one
thousand barrels and we agreed on a price of one thousand dollars or the
equivalent in Swedish Crowns. But he did not have the money on hand and
he said it would take him several days to raise the money from his
interested friends. So the four of us decided to take off hitch-hiking through
Sweden and Norway for one week. We mapped out a route to hitchhike
north to Sundsvall and then across to Norway to see some of the fjords
Norway is famous for and then down to Oslo and back to Stockholm,
making a loop. I decided to leave the one thousand trips with this Swedish
couple who said they would keep it in their refrigerator. He said he could
begin selling them to raise the money also. Good hits of orange sunshine
sold for ten US dollars apiece in Stockholm and there was a big demand.
Being fairly naive in these matters I trusted him and it sounded like a good
idea. I certainly did not want to carry all that extra acid around with me and
I had no place else to keep it. As it was, I still had 900 barrels left which I
would take with me in order to sell if the opportunity arouse. We then
bought ten grams of hash from another local drug dealer who this guy
directed us to and got ready to take off hitchhiking. To facilitate our
hitchhiking we spit up into two groups, Fred and I in one duo with Barry
and Rick in the other. It turned out that our two groups got separated and
we did not see each other until we reunited back in Stockholm at a
prearranged time and meeting place one week later.
Rain dogged our heels for much of the week but we kept up our plan of
hitching rides, waiting, and walking in the warm rain. At night we slept in
old barns or other shelters in the rural countryside near the roads. One night
after a long wet day we crawled into a big barn located behind a farmhouse
to seek shelter and sleep. This barn contained cows so we tried to be quiet
not to disturb them. But just as we were comfortably bedded down on the
soft straw the farmer came out to the barn to check on his cows. To say the
least, he was very surprised to see us. We thought he might get angry and
tell us to get out. But instead he gave out a big hearty laugh and was very
friendly. He did not know any English but after a few amusing minutes of
hand gestures and futile words, we understood that he desired us to come
into his main house to sleep where it was warmer. Fred and I were actually
content where we were with our pile of straw and organic animal smells
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and we were just about to smoke a bowlful of hash to cap off a long day.
But the jovial old man kept insisting, holding his nose while pointing to the
cows; so we reluctantly agreed just to please him.
The farmer's wife was overjoyed to see what her husband dragged in
from the barn. She immediately fixed us up a big bowl of hot soup followed
by a piece of homemade pie with a glass of fresh milk. This we devoured
with great relish and gratefulness. We slept in what was the bedroom of
their grown children and were given thick feather quilts for that cold rainy
night. In the morning we were graciously served boiled eggs and thick
slices of homemade bread with fresh rich butter and cheese, all produced
right there on their farm. Fred and I had other similar encounters of
compassion and friendly hospitality on this weeklong trip. The mountain
scenery of Norway was spectacular and the fjords and fishing villages were
just as I had seen on postcards. An added bonus was the nearly 24 hours of
daylight which is present this far north in the summer which enabled us to
travel virtually all night if we wanted to and still see the countryside.
Upon arriving back in Stockholm Fred and I went straight to the
apartment of the Swedish couple and were greeted with an unpleasant
surprise. The girl opened the door and hurriedly told us that her boyfriend
had been busted by the police the day before and was now in jail. She
nervously explained this story of how he had been peddling some of the
LSD in the city square where all the hippies and tourists hung out and he
was caught by the police. To follow up the bust detectives came to their
apartment to search for more drugs. When they arrived unexpectedly at the
door, the girl panicked and quickly flushed all the remaining orange
sunshine barrels down the toilet. She further advised us in a shaky voice
that we should leave quickly because the apartment might be under
surveillance. I was shocked at this unexpected news and did not know quite
what to think. For safety's sake, however, the first thing I did was to go
across the street in a small park and bury the rest of the barrels I had in a
hole in the ground which I inconspicuously marked. Then Fred and I went
down to the central square where this guy was allegedly busted and which
coincidently was where we were to rejoin up with Barry and Rick. We sat
down on some steps near the square to think about the whole thing. While
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sitting there I saw what I believed to be this same Swedish fellow walking
on an overpass above the square. He seemed to see me looking at him and
then he quickly ducked out of view. I hurriedly ran up there to try and find
him but to no avail, there were hundreds of people milling around. By now
I had a sneaking suspicion that the story his girlfriend told us was a lie, a
cover-up. I called the police to enquire if they had anyone in jail by his
name and the reply was negative. Now I felt sure that I had been royally
ripped off. But I was in quandary because I could not report this theft of my
LSD to the police. I did not want to get involved with the police in any
way. Fred and I were left alone and angry in this seemingly cold and crazy
city not knowing what to do or where to go.
Shortly thereafter, however, we met Barry and Rick as planned. They had
had similar pleasant experiences in their hitchhiking adventures. When I
related the story of the stolen LSD Barry got very angry and wanted to go
bust some heads, but I was able to calm him down. I personally was ready
to write the whole thing off as a loss and a bad dream, to forget it and get
on with our trip south. This same afternoon another buddy of ours from
Riverside named, Jim, showed up on the square, having just arrived on a
flight from Los Angeles. Jim worked for a travel agency and was making
this trip mostly on company expense to visit different European cities in
order to have first hand experience to tell his clients about. For him the trip
was half business and half pleasure but his time was limited. So now, for
the time being there were five of us hometown boys from Riverside
together. It was difficult to find any cheap place to stay in the center of
Stockholm and the local people seemed cold and empty. There were drunks
stumbling all over the city square and in the subway corridors both day and
night. The whole scene felt strange and kind of plastic to me. No doubt my
bad experience had something to do with that mental projection. We had no
burning desire to remain any longer so we planned to depart the next
morning for Copenhagen. I went back and dug up the remainder of my acid
and, in a last attempt to unravel the mystery of the rip-off; I went to the
apartment of the couple. It was locked and nobody answered my prolonged
knocking. I realized it was a hopeless situation and departed. With this
financial setback I began to give up my fantasy of buying a motorcycle. I
resigned myself to be content with just living in the present moment,
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pedaling my remaining 900 orange sunshine barrels here and there and
traveling by local transportation and hitchhiking.
In the evening the five of us headed outside the city to find a suitable
place to sleep outdoors. Near a group of apartment buildings was a large
grassy field where we laid out our sleeping bags and made our little camp
for the night. Some local teenagers came over and inquired if we had any
LSD for sale. They were bored middleclass kids with a lot of money. So to
make up for my loss I told them it would cost fifteen dollars apiece.
Without hesitating they agreed to this price, pulled out their money and
bought five trips and then went triumphantly running back to their nearby
apartment complex. The five of us had a good laugh over a big chillum and
passed a pleasant warm night out in the open celebrating our reunion.
Barry, Rick and Jim took the train down to Copenhagen while Fred and I
opted to hitchhike again. For me hitchhiking was more adventurous and a
good way to meet regular folks and learn more about a country. It was
certainly less expensive, especially here in Scandinavia and Europe. After
two days and several different rides we arrived in Copenhagen and reunited
with Barry and Jim at our prearranged rendezvous point. To our surprise,
Barry informed Fred and I that Rick had abandoned the trip and was
returning home. He had gotten homesick or something and decided to
return to Stockholm and fly back home. He had already left. The four of us
stayed a few days here enjoying the summertime activity. I recalled my
previous sojourn here in the winter of 1968 while AWOL from the army. It
was a much different experience now in the summertime as a free person
mixing with the 'flower children'. A large tent city was set up on the
outskirts of the city to provide a cheap, convenient crashing place for the
throngs of young hippie travelers who were passing through on their way
South, North, East and West. We also slept there talking with many people.
We learned of a weekend rock festival that was happening that coming
weekend outside of Copenhagen and we decided to make our presence
there. Rock concerts and festivals were always a lucrative market for drugs.
Barry still had most of his two thousand orange sunshine barrels and
desired to start selling them off. We both figured we could sell a lot of trips
at a good price and make all of our initial investment back plus a tidy profit.
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In Copenhagen there are many bicycle rental shops and cycling around
town is a popular mode of transportation with locals and tourists alike. The
bikes are usually rather old with only one speed and worn out tires. I rented
one for a couple of days and then an idea sprang into my mind. I would rent
a bike and ride it all the way to Amsterdam, which was our next major
destination. Most of the terrain in Denmark, and Holland is very flat and
ideal for easy cycling. I imagined that it would be far-out to take about ten
leisurely days cycling through the countryside of farmlands and quaint
Danish and Dutch villages to reach Amsterdam about four hundred
kilometers away. The rock festival at Roskilde was located about twenty
miles outside of Copenhagen along the same route I would take. So I
planned to ride out to the festival on a bike and continue on from there. The
rest of the guys opted to stay with conventional convenient train travel. I
enquired about renting a bike on a one way basis, perhaps turning it in
Amsterdam at a co-operating rental agency. But it was not possible and the
bicycles were not supposed to be taken out of the country. The rental shops
usually did not require any deposit or identification. I guess they figured
everyone was honest and the bikes, being so old, no one would want to
steal them. Considering these things it did not take long for my mind to
scheme up the idea to rent the bike for a month and just sort of keep it,
riding it down to Amsterdam anyway. I did not think of myself as an out
and out thief and I justified this devious appropriation by selecting a rusty
old girl's bike with bald tires. In my mind it was not worth much more than
the one month rental fee I would pay anyway. In reflection, this/ mas/ w goad
ewamfiles op koujo th& ciuinuia/ mind and/ e^ cun/ clin^ to/ an/ idea/ and/ tAe4i/
outuiii ow OAjm/iidLe/ awi/ mxyval sense/.
On the day the festival was to start I rented the bicycle in the morning,
tied my pack securely onto the rack over the rear tire and set out pedaling
the twenty odd miles out to the site. Barry, Fred and Jim took the train
along with hundreds of other young festival goers. We met at the train
station in the small town of Roskilde. I locked up the bike outside the fence
which encircled the festival area. The four of us found ourselves a nice spot
up against the back of the concession booths and facing the stage where we
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made our little camp for the two exciting days ahead. The music had
already started and people were smoking chillums and joints, dancing and
jumping into a portable swimming pool which was erected to relieve the
summer heat. Many women were going around topless. There was no
police surveillance and dope smoking and dealing was done openly without
hesitation or fear. I made up a sign which read, "California orange
sunshine" and placed it in front of me. Within ten minutes I had sold five
hits (orange barrels) at five dollars a-piece and within two hours Barry and I
sold over fifty each. The word quickly spread about our power packed
'sunshine'. By the end of the weekend we had sold over five hundred. We
also gave some hits away to freaks who pleaded that they had no money but
obviously desired to get 'high'. We swallowed some ourselves, getting into
the vibration of the whole wild, crazy scene. We also bought twenty grams
of hash from another dealer and kept up a marathon of chillum smoking
passing it to everyone who came by. It was a real fun time and everything
went smoothly with no bad incidents. I had now made back all the money I
had originally invested plus much more despite the rip off and still had over
five hundred barrels left. I was satisfied.
On my way to Amsterdam I took my sweet time pedaling the rattling old
bike but, nevertheless, I managed to cover about sixty or seventy kilometers
a day. I remained pleasantly stoned most of the time, enjoying the passing
scenery while ignoring the occasional car or truck whizzing by. Each
evening around six I kept my eye out for a suitable spot to spend the night.
These included a roadside forest, a lakeside picnic area, a village park and
the reliable farmer's field. The route took me near the Isle of Sylt, a popular
island for nude sunbathing for Northern Europeans. So I made a short
detour and spent two days there myself hoping to get some of my California
tan back. Unfortunately, however, it was overcast and drizzling most of the
time but there were still plenty of hardy Danes and Germans bearing up the
cool, gloomy weather. They laid out nude on large reclining chairs
equipped with large umbrellas trying to eek out any ultraviolet rays slipping
through the cloud cover. Not being that hard up for a tan, I sought refuge in
a small crude shelter made of sticks and cardboard that I spied down the
beach. I hid the bicycle in the bushes, took my pack and made myself
somewhat comfortable in this low roofed hut on the beach. As it turned out
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the hut had been built by some kids from a summer youth camp nearby and
they came to play in it. They were surprised to see me inside but happy to
learn that I was an American and they asked a lot of questions in order to
practice their English. Later that evening they even brought me some food
from their camp kitchen.
The kids had informed one of their female group leaders about me and
she came down to have a look. She was in her twenties, a homely looking
type and her English was not so good. But we talked for a while and she
seemed to be starved for sex. She came back to the hut later that night after
the kids had gone to bed. Between her pent up urges and my own horny
condition it did not take long before we were passionately rolling in the
sand satisfying each other's lust. In the morning a kid from the camp
brought me some breakfast leftovers sent by my backdoor lover. As the day
was again overcast and sprinkling I decided to move on, leaving before the
woman came to see me again. I did not feel like facing any good-byes or
'will you write to me requests'. I just wanted to disappear as quietly as I
had appeared.
After several more days of cycling through Northern Germany and
Holland I cruised across Holland's great, long, man-made dike and coasted
joyously into Amsterdam. I was now tired of all the pedaling and road dirt
but the trusty old bike held up well and I really had a ball. I met Barry and
Fred in Vondel Park as planned a few hours after arriving. Jim had since
gone on his own way to attend to his travel agency work. Vondel Park was
temporary home for hundreds of transient young hippie travelers from all
over the world. The city allowed them to more or less camp in the park for
free due to the lack of cheap accommodation in the city. There was a
storage facility for people to keep their backpacks and other luggage and
there was a club where food and drink was available along with music and
dope smoking. I joined Barry and Fred who were camped out under a large
tree by one of the many canals. There were many such small groups spread
out over a large area. The social thing to do was to casually go around
paying visits to different groups and getting loaded with each other. In the
process travel tales were exchanged and much useful information gleaned. I
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had left the bicycle leaning unlocked against a tree and by the next day it
had been appropriated, to be useful to some other person.
Over the course of the next two weeks Barry and I were able to sell much
of our remaining orange sunshine — they were 'selling like hotcakes'. In
this way I was able to live without touching any of my original five
hundred dollars in TCs and saved substantially more. To console myself for
making profit off others I gave some away to persons who gave me a 'sob
story' of how they had no money. One day there was a free concert in the
park and I crushed up about twenty barrels and went around passing out
free pieces. Many people got pleasantly high that sunny music-filled
afternoon and I felt good. By now my reddish blonde hair was hanging
below my shoulders and my reddish beard quite bushy. I had finally
acquired the long sought hippie image.
It was here in the park that I was turned on to the first in a series of
popular books called The Teachings of Don Juan, by Carlos Castenada.
Someone gave it to me in exchange for a hit of acid and I began reading it
in my spare quiet moments. It is a story about the author's personal
experience with peyote and other psychotropic plants. The story centers
around a Mexican sorcerer named Don Juan, who tries to teach the author
how to use these hallucinogenic substances to unravel the mysteries of the
mind, for developing certain mental powers in order to aid self-realization.
It is an interesting account of this UCLA Anthropology student's trials and
tribulations in getting accepted by the Mexican Indian spiritual teacher and
undergoing this particular path of self-knowledge. I enjoyed reading the
book mainly for the story content, not knowing at the time its spiritual
implications. I had also used peyote (mescaline) and magic mushrooms but
mostly for the blissful high produced and not so much for deep conscious
spiritual discovery. This would come only after reading the subsequent
books in the series and my own deepening experience.
One day a large group of Hare Krishna monks and devotees accompanied
by their Indian spiritual master came into the middle of the park to perform
a mantra-chanting session, and passed out free sweets. I had heard of this
controversial group of Krishna Consciousness but had never seen any in
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person. I decided, as usual, to get nice and high for the occasion, and ate
half a barrel plus the normal chillums. There were a lot of people in the
park that clear, warm Sunday.
The Hare Krishna's spiritual guru was a frail old man clothed in pinkish
robes and had the traditional ash-colored markings on his forehead. He was
carried on a decorated palanquin by his devotees and set down on a big
stage specially set up for this occasion. Many of the monks also wore the
pink garb with the forehead markings and sported the conspicuous tufts of
hair or pony-tail at the back of their shaven heads. All this looked a little
peculiar to me, as it was the first time I had actually seen them in person
and close up. From my study in world religions I remembered that Krishna
was a Hindu god and devotional deity to whom all believers pay homage,
and they invoke his blessing by chanting his name, "HARE KRISHNA,
HARE RAMA".
After some introduction they began chanting the Hare Krishna Maha
Mantra with their lively accompanying drum beat, cymbals and body
movement. As the beat picked up I felt myself being drawn into the rhythm
and mood of the chanting. I started silently repeating the words and
gradually as I got into it, I chanted audibly. It had a kind of intoxicating,
entrancing effect on me and being stoned probably helped to catalyze the
whole process. The chanting lasted about fifteen minutes and much of the
crowd had also been drawn into the vibrant mood, swaying and even
dancing or jumping up and down along with the monks and devotees. It
seemed as though everyone had tuned into the same mental frequency and I
felt very high and blissed out. I had heard that devotional chanting of this
nature could get a person naturally high. But as I was stoned, I could not be
sure if the attraction and good feeling was aroused by the chanting alone or
helped along by the dope. Afterwards, the devotees walked among the
crowd passing out what they called "prasad", a sweet mixture formed into a
small ball. It was supposed to have been blessed by the spiritual devotion
and hence, by Krishna himself. It tasted good at any rate.
A few days later I went to the Hare Krishna Temple located several
blocks from the park. I had been informed that if you visit the temple about
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lunchtime the monks in charge will invite you to partake of a meal, and
they prepared traditional Indian food. Before the meal a devotional service
was conducted with more chanting and readings from their holy scriptures.
In the temple were many colorful paintings and statues of Krishna and other
Hindu devotional images. I was more curious than devotionally interested,
but I respectfully observed the proceedings while expectantly waiting for
the tasty meal. Before departing I was surprised when I unavoidably
overheard a few of the monks and devotees quarreling among themselves
over some job assignments. It did not strike me as proper conduct between
spiritual brothers and sisters and especially inside the temple in front of
guests. I departed without any strong attraction or positive feelings towards
the organized structure and little conviction that this practice was the way to
Enlightenment or God Realization, whatever that meant to me at that time.
Among the many people we met in the park was an American guy who
told us about a beautiful small island in the Canary Islands, called Gomera.
He had lived there awhile and he described a very laid back, unspoiled,
ideal picture of what sounded like the perfect place to get away from it all
and a very cheap place to live. The summer would be nearing its end in
Northern Europe soon and we would be ready to follow the sun and warmth
south for the winter. So our little group began making plans for part two of
our free-flowing odyssey — winter in the Canary Islands
For some reason that was never too clear, I decided to invite Gail to come
over to Amsterdam and join me on my hitchhiking journey down to Spain
and the Canary Islands. I guess it was because I had made enough money
and could afford to buy her a round trip ticket and I also wanted to give her
the experience of travelling through Europe and living in the Canaries for
the winter. I did not have the intention of taking her to India with me as that
would mean abandoning her young child for too long a time. I merely
figured her to stay with us a few months on Gomera then return home on
her own. I suppose I also missed a female's tender touch and desired a
companion to accompany me hitchhiking south, remembering the previous
summer's experience with Terri. After some deliberation on this, I called
Gail long distance from Amsterdam and proposed the idea. She was
overjoyed at the prospect and said she would quit her job at Sears and come
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as soon as possible. She could leave her daughter at her mother's place for
care during these three or four months. She already had a couple hundred
dollars of her own saved and I would send her five hundred more to buy a
round trip ticket from Los Angeles.
Barry and Fred decided to buy a VW bug and were going to drive it down
to Cadiz where they would sell the car and take the boat from Cadiz to the
Canary Islands. Gail and I would meet them in Cadiz to make the sea cruise
together.
After my buddies departed, I remained there in the park more or less
alone selling more acid. I wanted to make as much money as possible to
finance Gail and I on our trip south and our boat passage to the Canaries.
During these two weeks I met quite a few persons just returning via the
overland route from India. From them I accumulated much useful
information on visa regulations, cheap means of transport, places to visit
and places to avoid, where to score good dope and so forth. This rekindled
my enthusiasm for heading due east as soon as our winter sojourn in the
Canary Islands was finished, or the following spring.
Gail arrived on schedule and I met her at the airport. It was nice to see her
again and I brought her back to the park where we would stay a few days
before leaving. She related to me how she had been deeply hurt because I
had abandoned her and her feelings towards me had changed. She no longer
felt inclined to have an intimate, sexual type relationship with me, but just
to be good friends and travelling companions. I was somewhat taken aback
by this frank pronouncement and could sense that some kind of change had
taken place in Gail. I had been without extended female companionship for
over two months, and was more or less looking forward to Gail's previous
sexual submissiveness. But on that first night in the park together I
encountered the reluctance and coldness towards sex which was to be the
main focal point for a relationship plagued by negative feelings, open
arguments and eventual heartache. And it was mostly fostered by my
expectation, attachment and unwillingness to accept her independence and
changed attitude.
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It took us a week of hitchhiking to reach Barcelona where we stayed in a
cheap hotel two days to rest from the long road trip. We dined in quaint
sidewalk restaurants, drinking sangria and eating seafood. I was in the
mood for making love but she was still resistive as she had been most of the
trip. She eventually gave in to my persistence but because of the mood
created by our differences on the matter, the experience was not enjoyable.
We were now in a hurry to get down to Cadiz so we took a train, stopping
in Granada to check out the Alhambra.
Once in Cadiz, Gail and I headed to the dockyard to inquire about the
boat to Las Palmas and bumped right into Barry and Fred, who were happy
as hell to see us. They had already purchased their tickets for a boat leaving
the very next day and were praying that we would make it on time. Luckily
the ship was not full and we were able to get our tickets. Accompanying
Barry was an American girl named Penny whom he had picked up in Paris
where they had stopped for a few days on their way south. Barry had talked
her into coming to the Canaries with him. During their weeklong wait in
Cadiz, Barry and Fred had made friends with some American sailors, to
whom they had sold the car, and with whom they were staying in their off-
base apartment. So we all went back there and had a grand reunion, toasting
the addition of Gail to our Riverside gang, smoking hash, drinking wine
and being rowdy.
The ship was a big comfortable ocean liner, and we were berthed in
dormitory cabins for sleeping, which we used for an occasional group
smoke during the two-day cruise. On arriving in Las Palmas, we checked
out the schedule of ferries plying between the various islands, to find out
that we had a two day wait before the next boat for Gomera, our final
destination. To kill time we decided to take a quick tour around the island
of Gran Canaria. We had heard of a nice campground at the beach on the
back side of the island, so our little group climbed into a local bus and
headed out there. Several other travelers were camped at the large spacious
campground and we spent the first night here celebrating our arrival.
The inter-island ferry docked in the small serene harbor of San Sebastian,
the principal port, at noon. Our destination was a village on the opposite
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side of Gomera called Valle Gran Rey. We had to wait a few hours for the
only bus to arrive for its evening return trip. The bus wound its way up the
steep zigzag road through several small sleepy villages, neatly cultivated
terraces, verdant hillsides, and through a forest which crowns the top of the
mountainous island. The bus then descended a long winding dirt road
coming to rest in front of the main bar and restaurant in town.
Along the mile or so of coastline are a string of houses, restaurant/bars
and a few small hotels. When we arrived there were already about twenty
young foreigners living in different rented houses in the main village and
along the beach, and one or two reclusive types stayed up on the valley
slopes. For the first two days the five of us camped among some bushes on
the beach until we found a nice large house near the beach to rent. The
house was located just down the road from a cantina owned by a fat jovial
guy named, Marciello. Nearly every night we would go there to drink beer,
often getting quite drunk.
Because the valley was quite small and the beaches limited, most of the
foreigners who stayed for any length of time would get to know each other.
Each little group had their own rented house and quite often there would be
a party where everyone was more or less invited. After two weeks, Penny,
the girl Barry had picked up in France, decided she had had enough of our
(Barry's, Fred's and my) heavy partying lifestyle, and of Barry's flirting
with other women. One day she just packed up her things and left Gomera
to go back to Europe.
A month after our arrival I decided to move up into the rear of the valley
and live alone. I had to get out of that heavy partying atmosphere myself,
and also away from Gail for awhile, in order to clear out my head a bit and
have some time to think about our relationship. Marciello 's mother and
father lived at the very back of the valley way up high on the mountainside
and they were building another house nearby to rent out to tourists. It was
not yet finished, with only one completed room, a separate toilet and a
small, dingy room used for a kitchen. It was very basic and funky but I
desired to live there awhile. It was in a village named La Vizcaina,
beautifully situated high up the left side of the valley. On top of the
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bedroom was a sun roof which afforded a majestic view across the valley
and down the whole length of the valley to the beach about five miles away.
The sun set perfectly over Hierro, the smallest of the Canary Islands some
twenty miles to the south.
An old man named Manuel, and his frail wife Henrietta lived in a stone
hut directly in back and slightly above my house. They were the poorest
people in the whole valley, living in a very basic one- room stone hut where
they had lived most of their seventy plus years. Manuel, despite his age,
would go out every day to his few terraces and hillsides to work, collecting
grass for his goat and carrying huge bundles of grass and sticks on his frail
old frame. I helped him whenever I could and they invited me into their
humble hut to share their scanty fare of sweet potatoes and pork-fat soup.
Wads of old newspaper were stuffed into the cracks between the stones and
sheets of faded newspaper were used as a kind of wallpaper in spots. It was
delightful.
They had a big fat pig which they were fattening up for winter food, and
the pigpen was only a few feet from the edge of my sunroof. The old porker
used to snort and grunt a lot as if trying to tell me something. I grew fond of
the hog and called her Petunia. When they slaughtered it, I was saddened. It
made me reflect on fate and how each living creature, including man, is
affected by its surroundings, prey to the will of others.
In time I got to know most of the villagers on that side of the valley up
and down and became good friends with many. I was invited to several
homes for dinner and wine-drinking. Drinking "vino del campo" was a
favorite pastime of the men and it was difficult to leave their house without
having drunk at least four or five glasses. The men were macho and
believed that one was not a man unless he could drink a whole liter of wine
at one sitting. By socializing like this I was able to greatly improve my
Spanish, and the locals were delighted to hear me speaking their language
so well. A few of the men who had difficulty pronouncing my name, Scott,
started calling me "El Rubio", the blond one. One man liked me so much he
wanted me to marry his daughter and stay there on the mountainside in an
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extra family house he would give. It was a tempting offer but I was not
quite ready for such a move.
After three weeks of our separation I asked Gail if she would like to move
in with me up there in La Viscaina. I thought maybe our relationship might
improve in those changed surroundings. I had done a lot of serious thinking
and realized that it was my possessive and sexual attachment which was the
major cause for her alienation to me and I hoped to rectify it. I had come to
understand something about the nature of lust and what a strong and
unpredictable force it can be. Gail, however, had had enough. In the weeks
of separation she had met many other people and was enjoying her freedom
in that respect. I finally began to accept and resigned myself to the fact that
our intimate relationship was over. But nevertheless, I couldn't help
mulling over the whole situation from time to time, from different angles,
and feeling guilty.
During this time I got a hold of a second book in the series of Don Juan's
teachings entitled A Separate Reality. I read this second book with great
intrigue as it described more intense experiences on these organic drugs. I
tried comparing the author's mental experiences with those that I had when
taking mescaline and magic mushrooms, but there was little resemblance.
My experiences were mostly laid back, peaceful, blissful feelings closely
associated with nature, while the author's were much stronger, vivid and
even violent reactions accompanied by doubt and fear. Along the beach
area we had found the Datura plant, one of the psychotropic plants, the root
of which was used by Don Juan. On the experience and advice of someone,
we made a tea by boiling vigorously the tiny black seeds contained in the
spike-covered pod, and drank that. I never did get off very strong on the
stuff but Fred claimed to have had a very vivid, dream quality,
hallucinogenic experience which lasted several hours.
At the beginning of December Barry got a letter from his identical twin
brother, Larry, saying that he would be flying over to join us within two
weeks. When he arrived, I went down the valley to their house for a big
welcoming party. Larry's presence added even more life and energy to the
group at the beach as he also loved to get loaded, party hard, and chase
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women, perhaps more so than his brother. It was an excuse for coming out
of my mountain retreat a little more often as Larry was also a long time
friend dating back to junior high school days.
Another book I came across and read while up in the valley was by J.
Krishnamurti, entitled, The First and Last Freedom. This was the first time
I had read anything by or even heard of this famous Indian spiritual teacher.
It was also the first time I had read any book dealing exclusively with the
mind, mental bondage, mental freedom, and meditative awareness. It
caught my interest now that I had gone through this unpleasant episode
with Gail, experiencing that mental confusion, frustration, and pain
associated with lust and attachment. As Krishnamurti was from India it
stimulated me to get on with my journey in that direction. I had already
spent a lot of time sidetracked in Europe and the Canaries and I was
beginning to get itchy feet. So Barry, Larry, Fred and I started making our
plans to leave Gomera on the day after New Year's.
We decided to take the boat from Las Palmas to El Aiun, situated on the
coast of the Spanish Sahara, a much disputed piece of desert south of
Morocco. This was the closest and cheapest way of getting to Morocco.
Flying was too expensive for our budgets, and we desired the unique
adventure, which we had heard much about, of travelling across the sandy
desert from El Aiun northwards. All of our Riverside gang was going
except Gail. She and I had had a lot of discussion about this. She wanted to
go but did not have enough money to support herself. I had stopped
supporting her financially when she refused to come stay with me in the
mountains and now she was living on the money she had brought with her.
About all she had left was enough to take the ship back to Spain and the
train up to Amsterdam where she could fly back to Los Angeles on her still
valid return ticket. I encouraged her to do this, to rejoin her child that she
had left with her parents, who were no doubt sorely awaiting Gail's already
overdue return. That is what I had originally intended when I invited her to
come in the first place. She did not, however, want to return, not just yet
anyway. I thought that not taking her along to Morocco would force her to
return soon. I suppose this line of reasoning was a deceptive subtle revenge
by my ego, to get even.
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On Christmas day there was to be a big get-together on the beach with all
the foreigners in the valley. Early Christmas morning I brought out my
remaining stash of orange sunshine, about twenty hits, cut them in half, and
started walking down the hillside trail towards the beach. The trail
meandered through several small villages and scattered houses where
several tourist friends were living. I stopped by, wishing them a Merry
Christmas, and offered a piece of acid which they joyfully received.
Everyone met on the beach later in the morning.
On the beach, a little while later, I passed around the rest of the acid to
those I had not yet met. Everyone except a very few gladly received at least
a small piece. Most of us got off on a very beautiful high that sunny, warm,
'holy' morning, laying and sitting around on the sand and rocks and playing
in the gentle surf. A large rock protruded above the surface about thirty
yards offshore and many of us guys swam out to it. About ten of us sat
there soaking up the sun's rays and tripping on the beauty around us — the
sea, beach, mountains, valley, banana trees, and the azure sky. Periodically,
some of us slipped off our rock perch for a refreshing dip and returned for
more basking and stoned gazing. In my own personal experience I was
feeling very close to nature, with my body and individual ego identity and
petty mind seeming very insignificant, almost unreal, in the face of it all.
Later, some of the gals who were watching and tripping on us from the
beach, described us as looking like a bunch of seals all clustered on the
rock, diving off at different times and climbing back on. Knowing the way
acid affects one's perception I laughed and agreed it must have been a
striking resemblance. I wondered if seals had that much fun or if they were
naturally stoned all the time?
On New Year's Eve, there was a big party at the house of some German
friends. It was also a kind of going away party for our Riverside gang that
was leaving the next day. Needless to say, everyone got really ripped on
every kind of dope and liquor going around. At the midnight hour it was an
incredible orgy of guys and gals in drunken embrace, changing partners one
after the other, wishing Happy New Year, grabbing anyone of the opposite
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sex, rolling on the floor necking and, in some cases, balling. This frantic
orgy continued until the wee hours when we either passed out or wore
ourselves out.
We had arranged to ride to San Sebastian in a taxi to catch the afternoon
ferry to Las Palmas. The five of us finally managed to get our act together
to leave about noon. It was a sad moment for Gail as she was reluctantly
staying behind and would at least miss Barry, Larry, and Fred. She did not
tell me exactly what she would do but for the time being she would remain
at the house of some friends. Many came out to bid us farewell. Some of
the other vagabond types also had the idea to make the trip to India in the
spring. Ramon and old Manual, with whom I had developed an especially
close friendship, were also on hand and were sorry to see "El Rubio" leave;
they wanted to know when I would return. I tried to explain to them that I
had to go to India for awhile and perhaps I would return some day. So with
fond memories in my heart for this mesmerizing valley, Antonio revved his
engine and off we left.
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CHAPTER 4
MOROCO. GREECE AND THE NEAR EAST
We nicknamed the ship we took to El Aiun, "the banana boat". It was an
old steamer the size and kind we imagined would have hauled bananas
from the Canaries to North Africa during the forties and fifties. The journey
took about ten hours with the old ship swaying to and fro, bobbing up and
down with the large ocean swells as it lumbered its way to the North
African coast. Almost all the passengers were young Western travelers like
ourselves, on the 'hippie trail' following the seasons from one paradise to
another. El Aiun itself is a small town, being mostly a military outpost.
After clearing customs we wasted no time in getting a taxi to transport us
out to Tarfiya, the so-called border station between Morocco and Spanish
Sahara. It was really a joke, just a couple of dilapidated tin/cardboard
shacks out in the middle of godforsaken nowhere. It is from here that
northbound travelers get transportation to Tan-Tan, the first town in
Morocco coming from the south. Jeeps and truck caravans carry people and
cargo from Tan-Tan across the vast expanse of desert as far as Mauritania
and Senegal, stopping here at Tarfiya to let off and pick-up passengers and
clear customs/immigration.
When we cleared immigration once again there was a land rover waiting
for passengers for the twenty-four hour haul over the desert to Tan Tan.
The driver called himself Ely di, the desert fox. He boasted he knew the
Sahara inside and out, saying he could drive to Tan Tan blindfolded. There
are no established roads on this route but only faint tracks in the constantly
shifting sand. We had used up all our combined stash of dope before
leaving Gomera, knowing however, that plenty of good hash was readily
available in Morocco. And sure enough shortly after getting out of the taxi
here an old man in a scruffy jalaba came around to sell most of us tourists a
chunk of hash. So before embarking on the long ride north we got
pleasantly stoned. Elydi crammed twelve of us tourists into the land rover. I
opted to sit on top with the luggage to avoid the cramped quarters and to
have a bird's eye view of the endless empty desert while breathing fresh air.
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We stopped at 1 1 P.M. to sleep on the sand in our sleeping bags and
recommenced at 4 A.M. About three hours later we began to see the first
signs of human habitation — herds of goats and nomadic tents. Elydi, being
a good tourist guide, stopped at one of these large tents where a family of
Berbers lived. A man with a full graying beard and wearing a worn but
elegant jalaba came out of the tent to greet Elydi and all of us curious
tourists. A few children wearing tattered clothes popped out of nowhere to
stare at us.
It seemed that Elydi and the man were friends and the whole group of us
were ushered into the spacious patchwork tent. The woman of the tent, her
face covered with the traditional veil of Muslim women, began preparing a
big pot of tea. The inside of the dwelling was simple, with a Persian type
carpet spread over a ground covering of gunny bags. We all sat on the
carpet and sipped the delicious mint tea flavored with sage that was served
from an old but handsome silver teapot in small glass cups.
Upon finishing my tea I went outside to gaze over the vast desert with
several goat herds and nomadic tents dotting the area. Elydi and the man of
the tent came over to me and started discussing something among
themselves in Arabic. Then the man got my attention and made some hand
gestures, stroking his long beard with one hand while pointing to my beard.
Elydi roughly translated that this man had a liking for me and wanted to
offer me his daughter for marriage. He would provide a tent for us to live in
and a small flock of goats to get started. Perhaps the two men were only
joking but they were awaiting my reply. Images of a life ever after in the
Sahara tending goats and drinking mint tea flashed through my mind. But
coming back to reality and my journey at hand, I politely declined the
generous offer. Getting back in the land rover, we reached the small outpost
town of Tan Tan in another two hours.
The next morning the four of us rode the bus up to Goulimine, the home
of the "Blue Men", Goulimine beads, and the weekend camel market. We
had some difficulty in finding accommodation for the five of us but finally
managed to secure sufficient floor space on a wooden loft above a crowded
noisy teashop/restaurant. We stayed in Goulimine for a few days,
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acclimatizing to the feel and customs of Morocco, doing a little shopping
and learning a few words of Arabic.
Barry, Larry, Fred and I each bought a jalaba, the traditional almost
indispensable dress of Moroccan men. They are full length robes made of
wool or cotton or a mixture of both materials. They have long sleeves and a
large hood and serve several useful purposes. Most importantly, the jalaba
protects from the hot desert sun and blinding wind storms which frequently
occur during the day, and insulates against the cold desert nights. It is also
sometimes used to curl up in for sleeping, a kind of built-in sleeping bag.
We bought them to wear because we wanted to try and fit in with the locals
and appear less noticeable as tourists. Barry and Larry, with their black hair
and beards almost passed as Moroccans. But I, with my long blonde hair
and reddish beard, must have looked a little bit strange. The local men
seemed to appreciate our fondness for their national dress and we got along
fine with most of them, drinking mint tea, smoking kief 2 , and practicing the
few Arabic phrases we picked up from a book.
From Goulimine our group hired a taxi and went over to Sidi Ifni on the
coast. Sidi Ifni used to belong to Spain and many of the Moroccans there
speak Spanish. This was convenient for us because we could communicate
much better with the local inhabitants. North of town there were vast
stretches of deserted beach and we found a sheltered area at the base of
some tall cliffs where we made a primitive camp. We wound up staying
here for two weeks. I still had my one burner stove on which we cooked
vegetables, eggs and fish that we purchased fresh daily in the town market
and from fishermen. We also learned by watching the local boys how to
catch the small octopus that inhabited the rocky ledges along the shoreline.
If cooked properly it made a tasty soup. An army base was situated on the
bluffs above about a mile back and often soldiers came down to the beach
where we were camped. This was in their patrol zone. This made us kind of
uneasy at first, but most of the soldiers were very friendly and happy to see
us. They told us not to worry, that they would protect us from robbers.
Some of the soldiers themselves smoked kief so we got along just fine.
* Kief: A mixture of marijuana and black tobacco.
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From Sidi Ifni the little band from Riverside continued on up the coast
passing through and staying a few days each in Mirlift, Agadir, Essouira
and then headed to the pink city of Marrakesh. Marrakesh was a focal point
or 'Mecca' on the Moroccan hippie trail. The cheap hotels were usually full
of foreigners of every description, most staying stoned out of their skulls on
everything from kief, hash, opium, heroin and acid. The local delicacy was
large potent hash cookies made at the bakery and available in certain
teashops. The central market or Souk was a unique, bizarre and wonderful
place to wander with eyes glazed and spellbound. The open square featured
hundreds of hawkers selling all manner of local and imported goods along
with musicians, snake charmers, dancers, colorfully dressed water vendors
with their giant leather water bags, and a plethora of mouthwatering food
stalls.
From here the four of us decided to split up and travel in two separate
groups. It was sometimes inconvenient traveling in a large group as we
were and as we had been together a long time some friction inevitably
arose. Larry and I choose to venture out by ourselves on a certain course
through the Atlas mountains while Barry and Fred choose another route.
We planned to meet up in Ketama, the famous hemp growing/hash
producing capital in the northern Riff Mountains in a week's time. One late
afternoon Larry and I boarded an overnight train from Fez to Tangier. We
found a completely empty train compartment and stretched out our tired
bodies on the wooden bench seats to sleep the long night away. We smoked
a few pipefuls of hash to ease the discomfort and shortly thereafter fell fast
asleep. I was using my small pack as a pillow but Larry had unwisely left
his pack on the floor. In the middle of the night someone had quietly stolen
Larry's pack. Upon awaking in the morning and discovering his pack
missing Larry started shouting and cursing. Fortunately, however, he had
his money, passport and other important documents still intact in the leather
pouch he wore on his belt, and he was laying on his sleeping bag so that
precious item was not stolen. Larry remained very bitter for quite some
time and he learned his traveling lesson the hard way. Larry only re-bought
a new toothbrush and a towel and an extra pair of underwear. My pack still
had enough space for his sleeping bag and we shared carrying my pack.
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We met the others a few days later as planned in Ketama. We stayed there
a few days obviously staying quite stoned. It was here that Barry and Fred
decided to throw in the towel. They had enough of travelling. Each had
their own personal reasons for returning stateside. They had met a Dutch
tourist with a Volkswagen van who was driving back up to Amsterdam and
he agreed to take them. Amsterdam is from where they would fly home.
Larry wanted to stick it out with me at least as far as Afghanistan. We were
sorry to have Barry and Fred leave us but wished them a pleasant journey
northward. Before leaving Ketama I bought a five gram piece of hash for
our journey across North Africa to Tunis.
After a few bus rides Larry and I arrived at Ousda near the Algerian
border where we stayed one day getting our visas. I hid the piece of hash in
my shoe and passed through the checkpoints on both sides of the border
without any problems. Algeria is quite a contrast to Morocco in that it had a
long influence from the occupation of France. Many of the older people and
young students spoke French and dressed in western clothing. Very few
men in the north wore the jalaba or turban as in Morocco and women
seldom wore the veil. They were more interested and curious about
Europeans and Americans and liked to practice their French or English.
Therefore, it was pretty easy for us to hitchhike and meet a lot of friendly
people along the way.
A funny incident happened along the way while riding a bus into Algiers.
Larry and I were sitting in the rear seat and were the only foreigners. The
rest of the bus was filled mostly with young schoolgirls wearing white
dresses and shirts with a tie and their black hair braided in pigtails. I had
started playing on the wooden recorder I still carried and soon Larry and I
became the center of attention. By this time my thick blonde hair had
grown out and was hanging well below my shoulders. A few of the older
girls were especially noticing this, which contrasted with all the black hair
they had and were accustomed to seeing.
They were shy, but giggling and discreetly pointing to my hair and
talking amongst themselves about it. One of them could not stand it any
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longer and after much prodding from the others, she came up to me and
wanted to actually feel my hair. This girl indicated that she even desired a
strand of my long blonde hair, probably being a dare from the others. I
good naturedly cooperated and granted her wish, plucking out a few strands
and handing them over. She carefully placed them between two pages of
her notebook and triumphantly hurried back to the giggling envious
classmates, to show off her prize.
From Algiers we diverted our easterly direction and headed south toward
the towns of Ghardia and Quargla at the edge of the Sahara. We wished to
get a different view of Algeria, a more typical Arab way of life and perhaps
more adventure and variety than the northern route afforded. After a few
different rides on trucks we arrived in the late afternoon at a small town
intending to spend the night there. Being conspicuous as foreigners we soon
attracted a group of schoolboys who gathered around us while we were
sitting at an outdoor restaurant eating our dinner of greasy mutton/vegetable
stew and bread. After the meal we asked the boys where we might find a
quiet place to sleep. After some deliberation amongst themselves they led
us over to the schoolhouse to talk to the schoolmaster. The schoolmaster
offered one of the rooms to sleep in where we could lock the door and be
safe from being attacked or robbed. We would have preferred to sleep
outside where it would be cooler but with the memory of Larry's rip-off in
Morocco still fresh in our minds we heeded their caution and spent the
night in the warm room on the hard schoolroom tables.
The next morning while walking to the outskirts of the town we came
upon a column of five shiny black limousines parked along the road. The
drivers were standing beside their cars smoking cigarettes. They were all
clean shaven and dressed in dark suits with ties. We approached them and
struck up some small talk with the idea in the back of our minds that they
might give us a lift. One driver spoke a little English and I asked where
they were going. He replied that they were driving the limos to the big oasis
city of Quargla. The president of Algeria and other officials were flying
there for a visit and the government cars were to be used by the dignitaries
during their stay there. Quargla was the southernmost destination that we
were hoping to reach and we tried to persuade the driver to give us a lift
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that far. He replied that no riders were allowed. But with a little skillful
talking by Larry the driver consulted his co-drivers, and they acquiesced in
part to our request. They agreed to take us as far as the next town about
fifty miles further south. They were afraid that they might get caught and
reprimanded for taking us, but as we were American tourists they consented
to bring us to the next crossroads junction where it would be easier to get a
lift. The Mercedes Benz limousines were nice and spacious, richly
upholstered and air-conditioned — a great welcome treat for us after the hot
dusty truck rides we normally were getting. We were let off at the agreed
destination, a desert crossroads town. The terrain here was different than
the endless sand dunes of the Spanish Sahara. It reminded me of the Joshua
tree area of Southern California minus the Joshua trees, but with big piles of
rocks and boulder hills dotting the otherwise barren landscape.
With our thumbs out again we were given a lift in the back of a canvas
enclosed truck along with two turbaned Arabs and their five goats. The
goats had red dye spots on their wool which earmarked them for sale and
slaughter in the next market town. I think the four footed creatures sensed
their impending fate as they did not seem one bit happy. I felt sorry for
them and tried to console the sheep by playing some tunes on the recorder.
The two Arabs sitting in the back with us must have thought I was crazy
caring about the imminent fate of their goats, as I had made it plain to them
through sign language. I don't know if these were really deep feelings of
compassion for the animals or just a way to have some fun with the Arabs
and endure the hot boring ride, not being able to see out. We arrived in the
next market town where the goats were being delivered in the late
afternoon. I don't think many westerners like us had been this way before,
judging by the curious, puzzled looks we received from the locals. The two
of us must have been a strange sight indeed what with our jalabas, long hair
and beards. While wondering where we could spend the night I eyed an
outcrop of rocks just outside of town and suggested to Larry that we check
it out. We were followed like two pied pipers up the hill by a band of small
children and had to wait almost until dark for them to leave us alone and go
home. From this vantage point there was a picturesque view of this
Algerian desert village and the vast barren surroundings of rock
outcroppings and dry river beds. The drawback, however, was that being so
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close to the town the place was utilized by many of the town's people as a
toilet. With a little scouting around we found a relatively large and clean
enough area to spread out our sleeping bags. And amidst the odor of human
feces and goat droppings with the attending flies and patrolling pigs we
cheerfully smoked a pipeful of hash. We amused ourselves and took it all in
good stride. After all, we were free and we counted our blessings while
gazing long into the immense starlit sky.
While on top of the hill we had seen a railway yard with a long freight
train parked in it. The next morning we descended the hill and walked to
the railroad yard with the idea to perhaps hitch a ride on a train going to
Quargla. We saw a long freight train preparing to continue it's southbound
journey and figured it would be going all the way to Quargla because our
map indicated tracks going only in that direction. So Larry and I, being
adventurous, tried to climb aboard for a free ride. But just as we were
getting into an empty boxcar a conductor spotted us and angrily shouted at
us to get down. Instead of trying to persuade the conductor as we had done
with the limo drivers, we jumped off. Shortly afterwards and with a little
disappointment we decided to give up our southerly direction and got back
on the direct course northeastwards towards Constantine and on to Tunisia.
In two days we made it back to the main road running east/west across
North Africa, about fifty miles west of Constantine. Near the road junction
at the edge of an orange grove we stood with our thumbs out for a couple of
hours without any vehicles stopping. Darkness was approaching and there
had been a drizzling rain most of the day. We were wondering what to do
when two young boys from the house across the street came over to us and
motioned for us to follow them to their house. We did not know exactly
what to expect but were open to anything new, so we followed the boys'
home. The boys' father greeted us at the door and kindly invited us into his
humble home where we sat down on straw mats on the furnitureless living
room floor. He bade his wife, who was meekly standing in an inner
doorway, to prepare tea for his guests. Between the man's limited
knowledge of French and English and my rusty French along with Larry's
two cents worth, we could sufficiently communicate. He and his sons had
been watching us trying to unsuccessfully hitchhike for the last two hours.
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And because it was raining and getting dark he felt sympathetic and wanted
us to spend the night in his house. He indicated that he had seen us smoking
a pipeful of hash while waiting for rides and he would like to try it. In
Algeria marijuana was not cultivated so kief and hashish were not readily
available nor did many Algerians use the stuff. But this man seemed to
know what it was and was keen to smoke some. Larry and I had no qualms
about it so I pulled out my long wooden-stem pipe and loaded the small
bowl. The eyes of his wife and children were intently glued on us from the
safe distance in the adjoining doorway. This was a comical situation for
Larry and I and we played along with it with great pleasure. After a few
tokes and some coughing our host became pleasantly stoned and we sat
around smiling and laughing and sipping tea. Later that evening we were
treated with a simple but delicious meal of rice, vegetables and mutton
dutifully served by his wife and daughter.
Our host was an executive in the orange grove and packing shed business
nearby. In the morning he arranged to have one of their truck drivers give
us a ride into Constantine where they delivered oranges to the markets
daily. Constantine is situated in a very picturesque location perched at the
top of a deep narrow gorge which bisects the city. It is a fashionable and
fairly aristocratic city boasting a large university with an international
representation. There were many, young, educated and westernized students
including plenty of pretty ladies. Larry and I had not had a decent bath or
varied diet since leaving Algiers and we felt like splurging by staying in a
hotel. But for some strange reason we had much difficulty in finding a hotel
that would accept us. The first several hotels we tried abruptly denied us,
saying that they were full with a tone that we were plainly not welcome.
Maybe it was due to our vagrant appearance from having picked up so
much road dirt and wearing our dusty jalabas. There were signs that the
hotels were not completely full. After some persistence and almost
pleading, one hotel clerk finally but reluctantly gave us a room, "But for
only one night", he said. Once in our simple room we each took a long
overdue hot shower and relaxed on the bed for awhile.
In the early evening after putting on our only change of clean but
wrinkled clothes we strolled out onto the sidewalks of this distinct city. We
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contented ourselves with a little sightseeing, admiring the spectacular gorge
and trying to make up our fickle minds as to which of the multitude of
international restaurants we would choose to satisfy our latent culinary lust.
We finally agreed on a feast or "beggars banquet" of Italian food washed
down with wine.
The next morning after a late breakfast of fresh fruits, yogurt and bread
we headed out of the city to continue towards the Tunisian border. It was a
slow day for hitchhiking and we only got as far as a small crossroads
twenty miles from the Tunisian border. Here was a checkpoint with a
policeman stopping vehicles for an identification check. Larry and I hung
out here for awhile making small talk with the friendly policeman. As it
was nearly dark he suggested that we spend the night in a teashop located
across the road. He talked with the teashop owner and persuaded him to
allow us to sleep inside because he feared for our safety sleeping outside. In
the morning the policeman would get us a ride with a car going to the
border.
Inside the teashop we were faced with an awkward situation. As usual in
these predominantly Muslim countries only men were inside. They were
sitting in small groups at separate tables drinking tea and playing an Arabic
version of checkers and cards. We were greeted by hard cold stares from
most of the men who looked up momentarily. Nobody said anything to us
as we sat down at an empty table in one corner. A few hours remained
before the place would close for the night when we could sleep. After an
uneasy thirty minutes we went outside and smoked up the remains of my
hash to ease the nervous strain. We stayed outside in the fresh cool air
gazing at the stars and rapping for about an hour trying to kill time. We
would have preferred to stay outside and sleep in the nearby bushes but to
do so would have created a stir and displeased the kind policeman. Now,
being mentally numbed we went back inside. From what we could gather,
the place seemed to be the Arab equivalent to a gay bar but much more
subtle. We tried to decide how we would react if approached and
propositioned. Both of us mentally projected a bigger deal out of the whole
situation and nothing happened.
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In the morning the policeman was able to get us a ride in a car with a man
who was going all the way to Tunis, the capital/port city of this tiny Arab
country. We had hoped to arrive here just before the departure of the twice
weekly ferry which plies between Tunis and Palermo, Sicily, but we missed
it by a matter of a few hours. So we decided to fly to Palermo. There were
cheap daily flights and we didn't particularly want to wait three more days
for the next ferry. Tunis was not so interesting a city for us, comparing it
with places like Marrakesh or Constantine and we were glad to leave as
soon as we could. We were able to book a flight for the very next day. That
afternoon we took a stroll around the streets of Tunis appeasing our
deprived appetites on snacks, sweets and ice-cream that was available on
every corner. Deep within the central bazaar Larry found and bought a
pintsize backpack, the size of a daypack, to replace his stolen pack. It was
just the right size to hold his sleeping bag, towel and a few articles of extra
clothes. He was getting used to traveling light and this small pack limited
the ability to accumulate unnecessary things. I was also relieved at this
because it reduced the weight of my pack that I had been carrying most of
the time anyway.
It was now about April 1 st , and we were getting in kind of a hurry to get
to Greece, moving closer to Afghanistan. Larry sat next to an American
couple on the short flight to Palermo and had struck up a friendly
conversation with them. They were living in Naples and had rented a car
which they had driven to Palermo from where they had flown to Tunis for a
week's vacation. Now they were driving back to Naples. Larry mentioned
that we had been hitchhiking most of the way across North Africa and were
headed to Brindisi to catch the boat to Athens. After consulting with his
wife the man offered to give us a lift as far as they were going in our
direction. This was a blessing for us because it was raining cats and dogs
when we landed and continued to do so for the next twenty-four hours. We
had a pleasant, relaxing time riding in dry comfort across the green breath-
taking grandeur of Sicily. During our conversations the man related his
experience of visiting Mt. Athos, the long jutting peninsula southeast of
Thessalonika in Greece. This was the first time I had heard of this quite
famous place, home to many strict Orthodox Catholic monasteries. His
knowledgeable descriptions of the routine, contemplative life of hermit
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monks, as well as the rugged beauty of the steep cliffs was quite interesting.
I even had a passing thought of perhaps visiting there myself while in
Greece. There were, however, certain restrictions and stipulations for
visitors: only men are allowed to enter the area and they must have their
hair cut short. In other words, they did not want casual hippies coming
there. This being the case, I abandoned the thought of visiting soon. I still
had too much attachment to my long hair and hippie image and my
motivation was not one of any serious religious nature. But perhaps this
was an indication of what was stirring in my subconscious mind and a hint
at the future.
The couple dropped us off on the Italian mainland where the road turns
north towards Naples and by the next day we arrived at the port city of
Brindisi. We arrived in the busy Italian port just in time for the overnight
ferry to Greece. We were now back in modern western civilization after
being somewhat out of touch for the last six months with the European
Continent with it's masses of tourists. The two of us were still clad in our
slightly wrinkled dusty jalabas and looking pretty road worn which, to the
hippie vagabond set, was a mark of status. As we strolled up the gangway
we received a long curious gaze from the Captain who was standing by
viewing his boarding passengers. We managed to evoke a warm smile from
him as we passed by beaming him wide grins from behind our shaggy
beards and weather-beaten faces. The ship was crowded mostly with young
European, American and Canadian students doing their spring educational
tour around Europe and Greece. It was a pleasant overnight cruise lying out
on the upper deck drinking beer and casually rapping with other travelers.
We had smoked the last of our hash before entering Tunisia, so this is the
one 'occasion' that we had no dope to smoke, yet we enjoyed it none-the-
less. In the morning the ship glided through the blue green water of the
Aegean Sea and the scenic islands of western Greece, docking at Patrai.
Patrai is situated at the mouth of the Gulf of Corinth on the northernmost
point of the famed region of Peloponnesus. I had studied about the ancient
history of Greece in school and now I was finally here to experience first
hand the aesthetic beauty of ancient Greek architecture, sculpture and the
immaculate charm of its many varied islands. It felt reassuring as the boat
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docked there because now I was getting closer to Turkey, the gateway to
Asia. It was still early in the day, and Larry and I decided not to hang
around. As did many others from the boat, we went to the railway station
and boarded the Athenai Express for Athens. We alighted a few hours later,
happy as larks, in this sprawling cosmopolitan city, a link between past and
present.
Larry and I remained in Athens one week, staying in one of the numerous
cheap hostels located near the main downtown area. We had to obtain a
visa from the Iranian consulate and get an inoculation against cholera. I was
also waiting for five hundred dollars to be sent from home. Despite the
money I had made selling orange sunshine, I was also down to about three
hundred dollars of the original five hundred I had brought in travelers'
checks. Because I was going all the way to India and perhaps further, I
desired to have enough on hand to last for at least a year or cover
emergencies. I had written to my mother a couple of weeks prior,
instructing her to wire the money from the accumulated savings in my bank
account to a branch Bank of America in Athens. This money came in very
handy later in an unexpected tight squeeze.
During that week of rest and relaxation from our long travels we did the
usual sightseeing to the Acropolis and other monuments and city
attractions. We satisfied our gastronomic craving in the international
restaurants, and snacked on yogurt and honey, ice cream and souvlaki. We
spent many leisurely hours sitting in the sidewalk cafes sipping beer or the
Greek counterpart called retsina, while watching the world of people go by.
In the outdoor cafe in front of the AMX, hundreds of young, worldwide
travelers sat drinking coffee, soft drinks or beer while reading long awaited
mail from home. Here they met others like themselves, swapping travel
stories and useful information, showing off their prize collection of exotic
clothes, jewelry and other trinkets brought from afar. Many were
completely broke, having arrived at this international crossroads by land,
sea or air from Europe, India, Africa or elsewhere. And, like myself, some
were waiting for money to be sent from home in order to continue their
worldwide gallivanting.
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Before leaving Athens I decided to cut about six inches off the length of
my hair. I heard that the Muslims of the Middle East were not especially
fond of long-haired hippies and I didn't want that to be a potential cause for
any negative confrontation. My philosophy of travel was to try and get
along well with the natives of each country and blend in as much as
possible. My hair was also becoming increasingly time-consuming and
troublesome to keep untangled and clean travelling the way we were. I was,
however, still attached to my hippie image and wished to retain a length
that would keep me in that category — covering the ears and resting on top
of the shoulders. So I went to a men's hair stylist, and after three gradual
cuttings guided by my careful scrutiny and moments of indecision, the job
was completed to my satisfaction. It felt surprisingly good to be free of that
extra length and weight of hair.
Larry and I decided to modify our original route and skip Istanbul.
Instead we would head directly to the south coast of Turkey to Marmaris by
boat with a stop over on the Greek Island of Rhodos. We would then
proceed due east along the south coast eventually connecting up with the
main Istanbul/Teheran train route in Northeastern Turkey. From most of the
overland travelers that we had spoken to, Turkey and Iran were the
countries least praised or appreciated. We heard that Turkish men were the
most obnoxious and Iranians a bit crazy. Both countries were tough on drug
users and getting busted meant long severe jail time. So we didn't plan to
linger long in these two places but wished to get to Afghanistan as quickly
as possible. From Athens this seemed to be the shortest and probably more
scenic route through Turkey.
We took the inter-island ferry and spent a couple of days on the large,
rugged, island of Rhodes before taking another boat over to the Turkish city
of Marmaris. This was our first step on what is considered the big continent
of Asia. Larry and I had not had any dope to smoke for several days and
hoped to score some Turkish hash here for our continuing journey (the
movie, Midnight Express, had not yet been made). We had to wait a few
hours until the next overnight bus going east. While walking around it
wasn't long before two boys approached us and whispered, "hashish,
hashish". This was what we wanted to hear. Looking around to make sure
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no people were watching, we asked the boy to show it to us. He pulled out
of his pocket a small piece of green paper thin pressed hash sealed neatly in
clear plastic. It looked like the real stuff so we paid him the equivalent in
Turkish Lire of one dollar. Then we went down to a mostly deserted section
of the beach outside town to smoke some and get stoned before the long
bus ride.
From there we rode a series of local buses eastwards along the coast to
Iskenderun and then headed north by train to Tatvan. In this comparatively
remote area of Eastern Turkey, Larry and I were the only Westerners on the
train and we had a compartment all to ourselves at first. Once the train was
underway, Larry rolled up two hash joints to smoke on the long ride to
Tatvan. I pulled the curtains across the window on the door and locked the
door. We left the outside window open to allow the distinct smell of hash
smoke to blow immediately away. Halfway through the first joint there was
a big noise outside in the corridor and then came a loud knocking on our
door. We instantly became paranoid. I threw the burning joint out the
window and Larry hid the other joint and remaining hash under the seat.
Larry peeked through the curtain and saw some soldiers wanting in our
compartment. We both looked at each other scared as hell that this was a
bust. Having no alternative I opened the door to let them in. The four
Turkish soldiers who barged in looked quite surprised to see us Western
hippies way out here in this off the beaten path tourist route. One of them
apparently was a prisoner as he was handcuffed to a sergeant. The other
two soldiers were carrying loaded rifles.
Larry and I nervously made room for them to sit down and waited to see
what would happen. The sergeant began speaking to us in Turkish. By his
pointing to our long hair and beards and using other obvious sign language
we understood that he wanted to smoke some hash and figured (correctly)
that we had some. We became very uneasy and did not know quite how to
respond. Perhaps a faint odor from the hash joint still lingered which he
smelled and recognized. Or possibly the look in our eyes and nervousness
gave us away and the fact that the door had been locked may have created
suspicion. The sergeant indicated that he liked to smoke 'charees' and
seemed to be almost begging us to turn him on. He indicated that we should
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not worry, they were our friends. All four of them were laughing and joking
with each other, even the prisoner. Somehow I sensed that they just wanted
to get loaded like anyone else, remembering my own time in the army. And
it was a long ride to our final destination. Exchanging glances it was
obvious Larry was thinking the same thing I was, 'what the hell'. So I
reached down and pulled out the second joint from underneath the seat and
held it up for the sergeant to see. His eyes lit up like he had struck gold and
he ordered one of the guards to stand watch outside the door. Larry and I
were greatly relieved to say the least, and Larry lit it up. It was real comical
to watch what went on while we smoked the joint together. The sergeant
even held the joint up to the prisoner's mouth so he could take a couple of
tokes and all three of them got happily high. We all laughed and tried to
communicate the best we could. I took out my map of the Mid-East and
pointed out the route we had taken from Greece and where we wanted to go
in Afghanistan. They were surprised that we young Americans could just
travel about like this in foreign lands without fear or loneliness. The
sergeant indicated on the map where they were going. It seems that the
soldier in custody had assaulted an officer while drunk and they were
taking him to the army jail in the next large city, Diyarbakir. It was all very
funny for Larry and I and we laughed about the incident for a long time to
come.
Tatvan is situated on the west end of Lake Van in Northeast Turkey. We
had to wait here overnight to connect up with the Istanbul-Teheran express
which acts as the Asian extension of the famous but now defunct Orient
Express (London to Istanbul). The train pulled into Tatvan at seven A.M.
right on time. The passenger cars were packed with the first springtime rush
of travelers headed on their Eastern pilgrimage. With some searching and
smiling, the two of us managed to squeeze into one of the crowded
compartments. The journey took us within sight of the historical Mt. Ararat
which looms majestically above the relatively flat surrounding terrain and
geographically still in Turkey. On the opposite side of the huge mountain
lies the border with Russia. Mt. Ararat is reputed to be the site where
Noah's Ark came to rest after the Biblical version of the great world
inundation way back in who knows when. There is claimed to be actual
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physical evidence of this near the top of this almost seventeen thousand
foot snow-capped mountain.
From stories we had heard we had no burning desire to spend much time
in Teheran. There was only one hotel where the foreign travelers stayed and
it was packed with young people going to and returning from India. Larry
and I stayed here two days and gleaned useful travel tips on good places to
eat and sleep along the way, interesting side trips, current visa regulations,
etcetera. One of these tips was to take the overnight luxury bus to Mashad
near the Afghan border where we had to stop and obtain a visa for
Afghanistan. This sounded like a better alternative to taking the crowded
train. The buses took the north eastern route, passing near the Soviet Border
before dropping down to Mashad. It was also the place to score quality
turquoise which was mined in the desert mountains nearby. Many turquoise
factories are here where you can look over endless supplies of assorted,
beautiful stones. So, after our brief two days in Teheran we departed by
luxury coach to Mashad.
Upon getting off the bus at the bus stand, all of us tourists were swamped
by boys trying to lure us to particular turquoise factories, thinking as usual
that we intended to buy large quantities. While we were here Larry and I
decided to go have a look. We also learned via the travelers' 'survival
hotline' that it was a good investment to pick up a card of small pure color
stones to take back home. A card is a pre-selected assortment of sixteen or
eighteen stones stuck to a piece of hard paper. This amount is enough to
have a necklace and matching set of ear rings or finger rings made. Buying
them here at the source could mean a tidy profit when sold in big Western
cities. Two cards could almost pay for one's trip to the East.
Larry and I visited a couple different factories taking our time to examine
various cards and thumbing through boxes of individual, large turquoise
stones. We finally each bought one card with the idea of taking them home
to sell or give as gifts. While looking through the boxes of loose stones, the
latent but powerful potential of desire and greed that lurks in the
subconscious mind, began to work in both of us. Quite independently of
each other 's knowledge, Larry and I managed to inconspicuously nick a
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large stone of our liking. We slipped them into our respective pockets while
the unwitting shop keeper was tending to other business. I justified this
petty theft in my mind by purchasing the card and telling myself "Just one
stone won 't really matter. " Later when the two of us were alone and
discovered that we had done the same thing, in the same way, with the same
thoughts, we had a long laugh. This was another example of how the
devious mind works similarly in the minds of different people in a given
situation to satisfy the ego 's desires.
After obtaining our visas and visiting some of the beautiful mosques in
Mashad we set out by bus to the Afghan border. We cleared customs and
immigration on both sides by the late afternoon and had to spend the night
there at Islam Quala just inside Afghanistan. Herat, the first major city is
about forty miles, a good hour's ride from the border. Afghani van and bus
drivers ferry travelers into Herat but not in the evening. They had a clever
agreement with the few hotels there not to take any passengers to Herat
after 5 P.M. In this way, everyone arriving after that must spend the night
there -and their money in the hotels. This gives the hotel owners a nightly
business of which a cut is given to the vehicle drivers for their cooperation.
And the drivers are assured of a full load early in the morning. Islam Quala
was the first place to score the famous potent Afghani hash or charees as it
is called in this region. It is incredibly cheap here compared to European
prices and readily available from the hotel owners or the young boys who
act as their touts. So actually it was not such a bad place to spend our first
night in Afghanistan.
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CHAPTER 5
BUSTED IN AFGHANISTAN
Larry and I stayed in Herat three days acclimatizing to the marked
contrast in culture and personality that we encountered here compared to
Turkey and Iran. I began acquiring my personal hippie version of Afghani
dress, a desire I had harbored since seeing other returnees in Athens.
According to the image in mind, I ordered from a local tailor a pair of
orange silky cotton baggy pants and a pink Afghan style shirt. To
accompany this I bought a readymade multicolored, flowery, embroidered
vest. And to top this off, I bought a white silk turban literally right off the
head of an elderly Afghan gentlemen, which happened to catch my fancy.
The respectable old man, who was now bald, must have thought I was nuts
for insisting to have this turban. But as the monetary offer was increased to
undermine his initial, stubborn refusal he reluctantly relinquished it. This
was another illustration of how the subtle craving mind will do anything to
get what it was after grasping a set image. I could have bought the same ten
foot piece of material in a shop, probably even cheaper, but I just had to
have this vintage original.
During these three days Larry and I spent many hours walking up and
down the streets of Herat, stopping to talk with some of the shop owners.
On a back street, we were invited into a cloth weaving factory to smoke a
hooka (large water pipe) with a group of weavers who were taking a short
break from their hand looms. They got a kick out of our joining them for a
blow and ordered a round of tea. Through our limited communication
attempts they told us that smoking hash helped them to concentrate on their
work sitting all day at their routine labor without getting bored or noticing
time drag on. I could relate to this as I had used the same means to get
through my three years in the army. And I suppose I was still using it in this
same way, boosting or dulling my mental state to unconsciously mask the
deeper dissatisfaction with myself or life which must have existed below
the surface.
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Kandahar was a pleasant, small city in the southern desert and we spent
two weeks here. We rented a cheap room at the Paradise Hotel on the road
leading into town. In a radius of two or three miles there were several nice
places to go for a day's outing to beat the fast approaching summer. These
spots included a wooded picnic area by a fast flowing river, a canal and a
large reservoir used for the city's drinking supply. Larry and I rented
bicycles and rode out to these peaceful spots for swimming sunbathing,
picnicking, napping and of course getting stoned.
One day we met a young local man whose family owned a small opium
poppy farm. He invited me and Larry out one day to observe the process of
extracting the fresh opium tar from the fat mature pods. Of course, we
could not leave without sampling some of the sweet substance offered to
us; we were regarded to be prospective buyers of a large quantity. But
neither Larry or I were much interested in scoring big with opium. We
politely talked our way out of it by mentioning that we would rather have
charees. And it just so happened, as is also usual here, these people had an
'uncle' who had a hemp farm and hash factory. Although we had no
intention of buying a big quantity of hash either, at least not immediately,
we took the name of their 'uncle' who had a small shirt shop just down the
road from our hotel.
This started us thinking and shortly our plans for the near future started to
shape up. By this time Larry had definitely decided to return home. He was
running low on money and he felt obliged to help his father and Barry run
the new family liquor store. And knowing his fondness for the fair sex
whose soft caresses he was missing, he was getting homesick for the lady
friends he had left behind in Riverside.
I, on the other hand, was concocting a fantasy to take a kilo of best
quality Afghani hash along to India with me. I would go up into the
Himalayas somewhere and find a quiet, picturesque spot and just stay
stoned as long as it lasted. I knew that hash was also cheaply available in
Pakistan, India and Nepal. But I wanted to have the best, number one,
Afghani, something to be one up and coveted by the rest of the western
freaks. Larry also decided to risk taking two hundred grams with him back
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to Greece. He would sell half of it there in order to get extra needed cash
for a leisurely trip back to Spain from where to he was to fly back to the
States. He would take the remaining one hundred grams with him back to
Riverside to personally use and turn on his friends.
We planned to smuggle the dope to Pakistan through the southern border
crossing sixty miles south of Kandahar. We both figured this would
probably be the easiest and safest exit point, being the most remote and
least traveled by foreigners. In Quetta, sixty miles inside Pakistan, Larry
and I would finally part company. He would then head west across
Southern Pakistan crossing into Iran near Zahedan and continue back to
Athens. I would travel up to Lahore and cross into India near Amritsar and
then head up into the Himalayas according to my fantasy.
During this time in Kandahar we began looking around for some good
quality charees and went to meet the owner of the shirt shop we had heard
about. The shop turned out to be just a front for the man's dope business. It
consisted of a few dusty shirts hanging up in the front window of an empty
room. In the small back room the man had a big hooka set up. The belly of
the water pipe was a large, round, clay jug with a long straight piece of
bamboo protruding from the side and reaching up to chest level. A saucer
size clay bowl was fitted on top of the jug to complete the whole thing. This
shop was conveniently located on the street leading out of town where most
of the hippie hostels, including our Paradise hotel were strung out.
Whenever any westerners walked by on their way in or out of town he
would invite them in for a blow on the pipe hoping to sell them some hash
later.
Larry and I went inside several times to smoke the man's charees to see if
it was what we wanted. It was very potent and we decided to score from
him. He would charge only fifteen dollars for a kilo. Larry and I had not
seriously considered by what fool proof way we would smuggle the dope
across the border. In our talks with the dealer he assured us that he had
helped many tourists like ourselves sneak hash out of the country. He told
me he could have half a kilo sewn neatly into an afghan vest to be
confidently worn through customs undetected. This method, he boasted,
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had worked many times. The other five hundred grams I decided to sew
into the flat bottom of my rucksack. Larry was going to take his two
hundred grams strapped over his crotch and anus. We told him we were
going to Kabul and would be back in a week.
Larry and I rode the big orange tourist bus to Kabul, the capital, where we
remained one week. We stayed in one of the plentiful cheap hotels which
cater to the shoestring budget overland travelers and hundreds of hippie
freaks were holed up here. Many were recuperating from long, tiring
journeys to or from India, recovering from a bout of hepatitis, preparing to
move on, or were just plain too stoned or burned out to do anything, period.
The added bonus and favorite pastime in these hotel/restaurants was food
tripping on the western style food and digging the long missed oldies rock
music which was provided. Chillum smoking was the order of the day from
early morning till the last person nodded out in the late hours.
Larry and I spent a lot of time walking around window shopping in the
many interesting tourist shops dealing in antiques, carpets, traditional
Afghan clothing, jewelry and all manner of trinkets and even western
goods. At a silversmith each of us had a wide, thick engraved silver band
custom fit and mounted with our big prize Iranian turquoise. This was to be
the first of several rings I began acquiring and wearing to evidence the
countries I had visited and to embellish my hippie image. Larry selected
material and a tailor to make five or six fancy embroidered kaftans and a
traditional white Afghan outfit. He would carry all this and more back
home to give as gifts to family and friends.
Once back in Kandahar we again took up residence at the Paradise hotel
and shortly thereafter paid a visit to our 'candy man'. The hash was ready
and we made preparations to leave.
The vest came out nice enough though a bit stiff and heavy, but while
wearing it, it looked quite innocent. I sewed the other half kilo securely into
the bottom of my rucksack and it also seemed unsuspecting enough. Larry
made a jockstrap type of holder out of strong cloth into which he neatly
sewed his two hundred grams and adjusted it on himself to fit nice and
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snug. He figured this would be the last place or least likely spot to be
checked. In these last moments of preparation I began to feel a little uneasy
about the whole thing but I dismissed it. I told myself that it was too late, I
must go ahead and do it.
At this point, I think our critical faculties had been dulled by the heavy
smoking and other occasional drugs and we failed to exercise reasonable
caution and discrimination in going about this risky business. We had not
even really made an effort to inquire from the other freaks about the
feasible conditions at the Spin Buldak border, whether hippies were
checked closely or not, etcetera. We just matter of fact took it for granted
that the whole operation would be 'easy as pie'. We had no second thought
as to the trustworthiness of our supplier.
When we left in the morning for Spin Buldak it was already warm and by
the time we arrived at the border around noon it was very hot. Larry and I
had sat in the rear seat of the bus and caught the sun fully on our backs
which made us perspire. This caused the hash in the vest I was wearing to
heat up. The vest began to give off a subtle odor, at least to Larry who first
noticed it and worriedly brought it to my attention. A little discreet sniffing
confirmed this. But by now the bus was already pulling up at the first
checkpoint which was the Afghan customs. The bus stopped and Larry and
I, being the only foreigners, were ordered to get out and report into the
customs building with our luggage. Just as we got off the bus a lone
western backpacker came out of the customs building presumably having
arrived before us on another bus and passed his inspection. He grinned at us
as he walked past and climbed aboard the bus which then headed on
towards the Pakistan side. Larry and I sheepishly glanced at each other and
shrugged, still conscious of the faint fragrance of hash hanging around me.
It was now too late to do anything about, it, except hope and pray that it
would go undetected.
The two of us were ushered into the inspection room where four customs
officers were casually waiting. The first thing one of them asked rather
frankly and routinely was, "Do you have any hashish?" Such a quick, direct
and accurate question caught us off guard and we didn't know which of us
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should respond. I was more or less speechless and sensing this, Larry
promptly replied in the calmest, most convincing manner possible, "No Sir,
we do not use drugs, we just want to go to Pakistan." Evidently the chief
inspector was not convinced of this lie and not wanting to beat around the
bush, he proceeded to start searching Larry beginning with his small pack.
No doubt to an observant eye we both appeared somewhat nervous and
guilt ridden and the smell emanating from my vest was getting stronger. I
had to helplessly stand aside and watch the proceedings with a growing
apprehension of the inevitable outcome.
Failing to find anything in Larry's pack the officer began searching his
body. All the while Larry was trying to divert the inspector's attention by
talking casually about the weather, etcetera. The inspector, however, was
not side-tracked by this small talk and continued to search striking
alarmingly closer to home. It seemed as if he was deliberately leaving
Larry's crotch for last, and Larry was beginning to jubilantly imagine that
he would make it. After a slight hesitation the officer turned around and put
his hand firmly onto Larry's private parts. His eyes lit up on the surety of
his find proclaiming, "Hashish!", and our hearts sank.
I knew I was next and the butterflies in my stomach were overpowering.
The inspector then turned to me while sniffing the air and within a matter of
minutes, found the hash in the vest followed by the stash at the bottom of
my pack. The escapade was over; we were caught red-handed, busted
bigger than life. We immediately resorted to the 'ace-in-hole' — bribing,
known in Asia as baksheesh. We tried offering the chief inspector fifty
dollars and increased it to one hundred but to no avail, he was not
interested. He said he was sorry this had to happen, he was just doing his
duty, but he told us not to worry, that he would try and help us and
everything would turn out all right. But for the time being we would have to
spend the rest of the day and night in a small detention room and the
following morning be sent back on the bus to the police station in
Kandahar. This did not make much sense to me. If he really wanted to help
us he should have accepted the baksheesh and let us go. I wanted to believe
him that we might be free in a day or two, but deep down inside I new it
was not going to be so simple.
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In the morning we were put on the first bus back to Kandahar and taken
directly into the police station. Shortly we were interviewed by a police
captain who was assigned to handle our case. He spoke good English and
politely regretted to inform us that we would have to stand trial for the
attempted smuggling. The two of us would be remanded in the local jail
until such time. We never again saw the customs inspector who busted us,
but who had promised to help.
The "little jail" as it was called in the local language was located across
the main road from the police headquarters and down a few foul smelling
back alleyways. As we approached, escorted by two constables, we saw
only a high mud wall with a double strand of drooping, rusty barbwire
running along the top. The entrance was a decaying wooden double door
kept locked with a chain and padlock and manned by a sleepy looking
guard wearing another old Russian uniform. At his side was a vintage rifle
with a bayonet fixed on the barrel. Across the narrow alley from the
entrance was a man seated at a table who checked prisoners in and out. All
in all, the laid back scene did not look too horribly terrifying.
The moment Larry and I walked inside, the first thing we heard and saw
was a group of men standing under the shade of the only tree, hacking and
coughing. It was the old familiar sound of hooka smoking and a
voluminous cloud of smoke hung above their heads on this hot, windless
afternoon. When they caught sight of us they began beckoning us to come
over for a blow on the big hooka. Not seeing any reason why not, me and
Larry exchanged glances as if to say, "This is prison? Well, let's make the
best of it"; and we went over and commenced getting blasted. The prisoners
got a big tickle seeing us two foreigners getting zonked with them.
The jail was a square, roofless, dirt floor compound formed by the high
mud wall with rooms located along the perimeter. Each room slept about
ten men. A foul smelling open latrine area was situated in one corner while
a nice clean bathing room with a deep fresh water well graced the center of
the courtyard. It was primarily a fend-for-yourself living arrangement as
nothing was provided. Prisoners had to bring their own bedding, usually a
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straw mat and a blanket, and their own cooking utensils. They had to
arrange food to be brought from the outside by relatives or friends or
bought for them by guards or policemen working here. If a prisoner had no
money or outside help he was generally looked after or, more precisely,
made a servant by a group of other men. Different groups of men always
hung out together for eating, sleeping, socializing, etcetera.
As it turned out we had to wait two weeks until our trial came up. Our
passports had been taken from us as well as all our money in travelers'
checks. We were permitted to keep enough Afghan currency to purchase
our food or other personal articles. We usually gave some money, plus
commission, to a willing guard who went to the market and bought us
bread, peanuts and fresh juicy grapes or other fruits and vegetables which
constituted our primary snacking diet.
Fortunately, one of the long timers spoke enough English for our
communication purposes. He had been a captain in the Afghan Army
before murdering his wife for which he received a life sentence. He was
sort of the King Rat of the jail and had his own private room which was
tastefully furnished with thick Persian carpets over the dirt floor. In one
corner resting on a big pillow was a sitar. He had acquired it from a former
European prisoner who had been busted while returning from India. Ali
Baba, as Larry and I nicknamed him, compassionately took us under his
wing for the first few days, sharing his food with us and familiarizing us
with the social customs, etiquette, and routine of prison life here. Quite a
few foreigners had been confined here for smuggling dope and other
offenses. The last ones were two French guys who had just been released
one week prior. He said the average time foreigners spent in the jail was
two weeks to one month depending on their circumstances. This was
encouraging because we had not heard anything about Afghan jails. We had
only heard about the horror tales of Turkish and Iranian prisons where
foreigners sometimes spent years for similar charges as ours, in a much
more hash and dismal environment.
Being westerners, we were somewhat of a novelty and the other Afghanis
treated us something like guests or VIP's; (very important prisoners). Each
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of the little cliques took turns inviting us for an evening meal usually
consisting of mutton, vegetables, bread and fruit. Larry and I would often
donate some vegetables of our own to be thrown into the cooking pot. It
was a friendly, convenient arrangement until two groups started quarrelling
over whose turn it was to host us! After the first week or so when we had
eaten with most of the groups at least once, the novelty wore off and we
were left to fend more by ourselves.
Larry was undergoing a lot of self-created mental suffering worrying over
the outcome and wanting to go home. He cursed himself and blamed me
somewhat for getting us into this mess. He was able to console himself a
little by playing Ali Baba's sitar. Larry knew how to play the guitar, so after
playing with it awhile he was able to produce some decent sounds. I was
taking our predicament with a mellower, 'take it or leave it' attitude. I knew
I had gotten myself into this mess and was prepared to accept the
consequences (my kamma); that is once I learned that life here was not all
that bad and that we could probably be out within a few weeks.
Each morning Larry and I were escorted to the nearby police station to
meet with the Police Captain who was handling our case, to answer
questions and fill out forms. We also had our fingerprints and mug photos
taken. The Police Captain informed us that these along with the record of
our upcoming trial would be sent off to Washington presumably to the FBI
and for use by U.S. Customs agents. The equipment used for the
fingerprinting and photographs along with a few pair of steel handcuffs we
saw bore the familiar mark, "Made in the U.S.A." He also told us that it is
was OK to smoke charees in Afghanistan but smuggling it out was illegal,
hence our trouble. Many of the men in the jail were doing time for
cultivating marijuana and opium, which had been officially declared illegal
to justify the huge sums of foreign (U.S.) aid given to Afghanistan and
Turkey to help eradicate the sources of America's drug problem. The
relatives of some of the inmate 'hash farmers' brought them bags of fresh
hash resin from their farms which they then pressed into smokable chunks.
They showed us two novices how and we passed away the time rubbing up
small 'hash paddies' and then, of course smoking it.
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The big hooka was left most of the time underneath the big shady tree as
a kind of symbolic semi-permanent fixture. When a group of men wanted to
use it, it was there. One of the servants kept it in good working order,
changing the water in the jug daily and cleaning the stem and bowl. Though
Larry and I used it on a few occasions participating with the others, we
contented ourselves most of the time by using our Moroccan pipes, a
chillum, or making joints and smoking by ourselves. Needless to say the
two of us remained pretty glazed over during those two weeks in captivity.
I also became sick with intestinal disorders which I attributed to the greasy
mutton stew we ate. My guts were tied in knots much of the time and I had
to run to the stinking latrine quite often. Staying so bombed helped me to
get through it.
The local jailhouse entertainment consisted, in part, of a half crazy or
retarded prisoner whom the others had tied to a tree by a six foot rope. This
confinement made the man jump around and shout senseless things,
appearing madder. This amused the men who sat around laughing and
taunting the poor fellow to more antics. It was a real sorry sight but nothing
on our part could be done to stop this cruel, morbid torment. It helped me
stop and think about the differences in culture and ethics that are found in
each country and how it is influenced or created by religious beliefs and
social conditioning. I also reflected on the differences between human
beings themselves and wondered about the cause for it.
Several times each day the devout Muslim inmates assembled on a
special raised platform in the direction of Mecca to perform Namuz, their
prayers. It was inspiring for me to see this as I had seldom given much
serious thought to religion and religious rituals. It helped me to reflect a bit
about the meaning of life and what happens after death. When lighting the
chillum we sometimes intoned the words, "Bom Shiva, Bom Shankar", a
chant used by certain Indian sadhus in the Himalayas for blessing the high
attained by smoking the ganja. I had picked these phrases up from hearing
European freaks doing it in the park in Amsterdam and elsewhere. But
Larry and I were merely parroting or blindly reciting these words out of
ignorance and more for our own amusement rather than anything religious
or spiritual.
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On the morning of the trial, Larry and I were marched across town to the
courthouse buildings situated in the middle of a huge park with many trees.
The courtroom where we were to be tried was on the second floor of this
three story building. In the courtroom the judge, an elegant looking old
gentleman with a white beard and turban, was sitting on a raised platform in
a big chair. The two of us were instructed to sit on the carpeted floor in
front. Ours was clearly an open and shut case. We were admittedly guilty in
the first degree. I was fined five hundred U.S. dollars for possessing a kilo
and Larry was fined two hundred dollars for his hundred grams. Fortunately
we had the money to pay the fines. If not it would have meant an indefinite
amount of time in jail, meaning until the fine was paid.
Larry now had only enough money to make it back to Madrid for his
return flight. I now had to make a quick decision concerning my own
immediate future plans. I had hardly adequate funds to travel to India and
live as planned so I had a few options. I could remain in Kabul and write to
my parents requesting them to send me another five hundred dollars there,
or I could travel to New Delhi on what I had and have the money sent there.
I was, however, not too keen on having the money sent to either of these
two places because of the good possibility of it getting lost. I had heard
stories of travelers waiting weeks and even months to receive their money
which had been misdirected or hung-up somewhere in between, or just
plain lost and never received.
I finally decided that I did not want to wait with worry and doubt in such
places as Kabul, Delhi or even Teheran. After discussing this with Larry, I
made up my mind to return with him to Athens where I would have the
money safely directed as I had already done once before. From Athens I
would immediately return via the quickest train and bus route, not dallying
in Afghanistan and proceed forthwith to India. So, I thoughtfully wrote to
my parents truthfully relating the whole episode of getting busted and asked
mom to again wire five hundred dollars from my account to the Bank of
America in Athens.
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In these few days Larry and I thought of ways to get some extra money
for our trip back to Athens. One of the popular scams in the tourist black
market was selling one's unsigned travelers' checks to a dealer for half
their value; then declaring the checks stolen and reporting it to the
refunding agency to receive a full reimbursement. Larry sold his one
remaining fifty dollar check unsigned, for twenty-five dollars, to one of the
numerous money changers found in the large Kabul cloth market. I
however, was contemplating another way that I thought to be more
profitable. When I had previously cashed a check at a certain bank in Kabul
the clerk had not even checked my passport or bothered to watch me sign.
So an idea formulated in my greedy mind which I figured would work.
With Larry's cooperation I had him practice my signature and then he
actually signed my name on my one hundred dollar check prior to entering
the bank. The clerk as before, neither asked for my passport nor was nearby
to watch me sign. I just faked as though I was signing and it was cashed
without any questions. Both me and Larry would report our respective TC's
stolen when we passed through Teheran where we hope to quickly receive
the replacement money. The way I was figuring it the American Express
Company would believe the check had been stolen and forged with no
reason to suspect otherwise. With this 'black' money we both would have a
comfortable margin of cash to continue our travel back to Greece.
In Teheran we immediately went to the American Express Office and
filed our request for the refunds which we received without difficulty
within two hours. Now that I had a little extra money I was not in such a
hurry to get back to Athens. I knew it would take two or three weeks for
mom and dad to receive the letter I sent them from Kabul, overcome the
shock of the bust and then send the money. I even had a passing train of
thought that perhaps they would not want to send me the money. Maybe
they would think I had destroyed my mind on too much dope and would
desire me to come home. Not sending the money would force me to give up
the rest of my trip to India. I would then have no recourse but to return to
Riverside, regain my senses and do something constructive like finish my
last two years of college. These thoughts went through my mind while
daydreaming on the long train ride from Teheran to Istanbul.
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In Istanbul Larry and I parted company. I decided to travel through the
Greek Islands for about two weeks waiting for my money to arrive at the
bank in Athens. But Larry had to reach Athens in time to catch the boat to
Barcelona which was rumored to be within a week. For Larry and I, our
long and multi-adventurous companionship had come to a natural parting of
the ways. Each of us was continuing in our own way to fulfill our present
needs both materially and mentally. It was another experience of how all
things, including personal relationships, must eventually change according
to evolving circumstances. In a way, I would welcome this change from our
close, sometimes, strained, mutually dependent traveling association. At
times we had our differences with egos confronting each other. But for the
most part, those misunderstandings were resolved and forgotten by
smoking a bowl and laughing it off. We did our last minute reminiscing,
gave each other slightly tearful bear-hugs, blessed each other's new
adventures and parted company without looking back.
From talking with another traveler I decided to stop off at the small island
of Skyros for a week's sojourn on the beach before continuing back to
Athens. On the overnight voyage from Thessalonika to Skyros there were
many young people returning from different destinations in Asia, some
coming from such far away exotic places as Sri Lanka and Bali. Each
proudly wore their collection of clothes and jewelry including myself,
wearing my pink Afghani pants, matching shirt and vest and sporting the
large turquoise ring on my finger. For the occasion I also wrapped up the
white turban on top of my head with my blonde hair sticking out
underneath and the long tail of the turban blowing in the evening breeze,
which satisfied the ego. During the moonlit cruise I struck up a friendly
conversation with a German guy who was likewise breaking journey on
Skyros. We found a relatively deserted stretch of beach at the base of the
tall cliffs about a quarter mile outside the main town, also named, Skyros.
There was a young couple going nude here so I assumed that nudity, at least
at this particular stretch of beach was permitted or tolerated by the local
Greeks. I was eager and quick to shed my clothes to expose the whole body
to the warm rays and skinny dip in the refreshing cool turquoise green sea.
This turned out to be the perfect place to hang out and relax for a week.
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Each afternoon the two of us would go into town to eat a substantial meal
and buy bread and fruit to bring back to the beach for breakfast the
following day. While sitting in a typical Greek outdoor cafe we met two
American College girls from New York with whom we shared a pitcher of
wine. They both had come to Greece together for a one month summer
vacation and were staying in a large beach house with two middle-aged
Greek women and their two children who also were on a holiday from their
husbands and housework. Out of compassion and sympathy the Greek
women had taken these two unaccompanied American girls under their
motherly wing.
I became quite friendly with one of the Americans, named Linda,
fancying her good looks, well proportioned body and long black hair along
with her New York accent. Desiring to know her better I invited both of
them down to the beach one night for a little beach party. Manfred, the
German guy bought a big hunk of goat meat from the butcher and
barbequed it over a pit fire we dug in the sand. I bought a couple bottles of
wine to help loosen things up a bit and to aid in swallowing the meat. I also
pulled out my small stash of hash I had bought in Istanbul and we smoked a
few pipefulls for this special occasion. I was quite horny after eight months
of sexual inactivity since my last intimacy with Gail on Gomera. It was
apparent that Linda was also feeling desire in that department and we were
mutually attracted to each other. The party progressed and when the time
was ripe, Linda and I walked down the beach and found a deserted spot
where we spent an hour or so satisfying our pent-up lustful urges on the yet
warm sand followed by a refreshing skinny dip under the romantic light of
the nearly full moon. I don't think that Manfred and Penny, Linda's friend,
hit it off so well. When we returned to join them Penny consulted with
Linda and soon thereafter they returned to town.
Before leaving Skyros Linda and I took advantage of this non-attached,
present moment situation and conveniently arranged a second lustful
meeting of body and mind. This time it was skillfully planned to take place
on the large bouncy bed in their beach house when Penny and the others
were at another beach swimming.
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It turned out that the Greek women were returning to their homes in the
suburbs of Athens on the same ferry I was taking. One of the Greek women
with whom I had also talked kindly invited me to stay at her house for a
couple of days if I liked, and I gladly accepted her offer. Linda and Penny
were going to stay at the house of the other Greek lady. The ferry docked at
the port of Kimi a few hours drive from Athens. The husband of one of the
Greek women met us at the port with their big station wagon so there was
room for us extras. Manfred, however, had stayed back on Skyros. I wound
up staying at their luxurious home for three days while waiting for my
money to arrive and during this time another fantasy formulated in my
mind. The husband was an executive in a big Greek shipping company and
I imagined myself working my way to India on one of his cargo ships going
through the Suez Canal to Mombassa (East Africa) and then to Bombay. I
thought I would even postpone going to India to travel around the world for
a year or so wherever the ship would take me. It sounded romantic. I asked
the man if he could help me get a job on one of his company's ships. He
flatly informed me that without official seaman's papers it was next to
impossible to get a job on a merchant ship. From talking to other travelers I
knew there were loopholes in this regulation and one could buy phony
seaman's papers. I tried several ways of discussing this with him but he did
not seem to be interested to help me in this matter. I had lost considerable
weight due to ongoing stomach problems and was looking like such a
skinny hippie freak that I probably did not appear to him to be macho or
strong enough to handle a seaman's job. He himself was a big heavy set
man and a consummate drinker and typical business magnate with all the
attendant problems. Because of our opposite appearances, conditionings,
habits and non meeting of the minds I failed to win his genuine friendship
or confidence enough to warrant his serious effort to give me a job. As a
result, I gave up that short lived fantasy and refocused my attention on
getting to India as fast as possible.
All of these recent experiences let me see how the clever mind can
efficiently and almost unconsciously remember and categorize people,
places and things according to certain observable traits or behaviors; how
the ego is very adept in recognizing an advantageous situation and tries to
manipulate the facts or circumstances for its own benefit. It also illustrated
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the impermanent fickle nature of the mind and its desires — how easily one
idea (going to India) can be quickly dropped to chase after another
(working on a ship).
When I checked my mail at the American Express in Athens there was a
letter from mom and dad, though mom always did the writing for both of
them. I knew what to expect and opened and read it with slight
apprehension. Mom explained their horror and shock of the attempted dope
smuggling and subsequent confinement in the Afghan jail. They were
surprised that I even got out at all or at least that easily. They had
periodically read stories in the newspapers about Americans in Turkish and
Iranian prisons on dope charges, about the long severe punishments meted
out. They would have imagined me in the same predicament had I informed
them before my trial. That is the reason I had waited until it was over before
writing to them.
In addition to this, the letter further related that they had received a
shocking notice from the American Express Company headquarters stating
that I had tried to swindle them of one hundred dollars. The imagined
foolproof scheme of cashing the reportedly stolen travelers' check royally
backfired. For some reason the AMEX central office did not buy that story
and accused me of fraud, quite rightly of course. They informed my parents
that I would immediately have to repay the one hundred dollars or to be
summoned to court. Mom and dad were again highly horrified and did not
really understand all the circumstances surrounding what had actually
occurred. But they did not wish to aggravate the touchy situation and
quickly pacified the AMEX by sending their rightful money. With these
two seemingly terrible criminal blunders coming so close together, my
parents were deeply disturbed. They felt I must have had entirely lost all
sense of right and wrong, shame and reason and had stooped to the lowest
of low. They were immensely disappointed, confused and ashamed of me
and they certainly did not tell anyone else, as they had about my other
lawful adventures. However, mom did wire my money which arrived a few
days later.
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Now that everything was out in the air concerning those two events, the
guilt and worry that I was carrying around in my mind and even to a certain
extent in my body, were mostly released and I felt much better. It was now
a matter of resolving not to try such foolhardy illegal stunts in the future
which would jeopardize my freedom and well-being and, at the same time,
cause my parents mental turmoil. As they had with my court-martial in the
army, I figured their despair and grief would eventually subside and the
events all but forgotten.
While in Athens those few days I bumped into a German guy named,
Stephen, who had just returned from Gomera. He had some current
information on the fate of Gail. She had since gotten herself pregnant by a
local Valley Gran Rey resident whom I also had known well. Now Gail was
married to him. This news shocked me somewhat and I thought, "That was
real quick work," seeing how it was only seven months since I left. I felt
sorry for her and thought she may have done that for spite, to assert her
self-independence. I wonder if she would now ever return to California for
her four year old daughter who was probably asking her grandma, "Where
is mommy?" Again latent guilt feeling arose concerning my role in that
unfortunate ending, which started so nicely back at RCC with our initial,
what I had thought to be innocent, love-making affair.
One afternoon, for ego's sake, I again dressed up in all my hippy regalia,
including turban, and walked around Syntagma Square one last time before
packing it up in a box to send home the next morning. Of all my prized
acquisitions I was keeping with me only my old useful jalaba and the
turquoise ring. Of my original items brought from home I kept one pair of
levis, Mexican huaraches, green wool army short and rain poncho. These I
figured would come in handy in India, in the cool Himalayas. The other
showy stuff I sent home for remembrance and use in the imagined future.
The novelty of wearing it wore off and the burden of carrying unused things
was not worth it. I desired to travel as light as possible as I had seen others
doing who were returning from the East.
I decided to take the fastest most direct way back across Turkey and Iran.
I would fly from Athens to Istanbul on a cheap student fare ticket and then
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take the Istanbul-Teheran express train to Teheran and bus it the rest of the
way to Kabul. The morning after arriving in Istanbul I happened to see an
English language newspaper to learn frightening news. The evening before
when I had left from Athens airport an Arab terrorist group threw two hand
grenades into the Turkish airline check-in lounge killing two persons and
wounding four others. This location was exactly where I had been standing
only about two hours before the bombing. The passengers hit by the
explosion were waiting for a flight to Tel-a-Viv. This was during the
volatile period in 72-73 when an unusual spate of terrorist bombings and
hijackings occurred, including the killing of the Israeli Olympic team
members during the 1972 Munich Olympic Games. Reading this news,
which came so close to home, made me stop and reflect more about fate
and I wondered why I was spared by such a short margin.
The next morning I took the ferry across the Bosphorous to the train
terminal on the Asian Continent. The long train was fully packed and I
shared a compartment with five others: two German guys, an Austrian with
his French girlfriend and an English fellow. One of the Germans, named
Klaus, had been a big hash dealer in Berlin, dealing exclusively with
Afghani hashish. But this was the first time that he was actually making the
long journey to Afghanistan himself. This was sort of like a pilgrimage for
him and he was visibly excited. He had brought some charees with him to
smoke on the long train trip and he was happy to share it with everybody.
As the train pulled out of the station we smoked the first of many chillums,
celebrating the final leg of Klaus 's pilgrimage. I was a little paranoid by his
enthusiasm and unconcern about such blatant dope smoking on the train. I
was not personally holding any dope but if the compartment was raided by
the conductor, police, or soldiers all six of us would be likely to get into
trouble. All I wanted was to get across the Mid-East and into India as
quickly and un-hassled as possible. I finally got over the uneasiness and
relaxed into the flow of the present situation, getting real stoned and came
to enjoy the diverse and lively company. Nothing came of it. In Teheran we
switched to riding the big comfortable overnight bus to Mashad and after
procuring our Afghan visas continued on to the Afghan border.
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Now a very strange and tragic event occurred. As the bus approached the
border Klaus got more and more excited about finally making it to the 'land
of charees'. But after processing through the Afghan side Klaus became
suddenly very silent and withdrawn. It was already after 5 P.M. and as on
my previous trip through here we were again obliged to spend the night in a
hotel before proceeding to Heart in the morning. Klaus immediately went
into a hotel room and more or less passed out on a rope-strung bed. He was
very pale and weak and did not even feel like smoking the first ceremonial
homecoming chillum. When he refused this we knew that something was
definitely wrong with him. His lifelong friend, Hanz, was the most worried
and upset over this unusual turn of events and remained with his dear sick
buddy throughout the long night. In the morning Klaus was feeling a little
better but still did not feel up to smoking his first chillum on Afghan soil, so
we knew he was far from well. After the early morning bus ride into Heart
the five of us checked into the two-storey hotel at the main intersection and
sat down at a table in the restaurant for breakfast. Klaus was looking white
as a ghost and staring blankly into space. All of a sudden he quietly
slumped over and fell off the chair onto the floor. He looked dead as a
doornail. This really freaked us all out. Hanz was yelling around ordering
an Afghan man working in the hotel to go fetch a doctor quick. After
twenty minutes a doctor of dubious sorts came only to routinely pronounce
Klaus officially dead.
At this point more paranoia arose in me about being around if and when
the police came, fearing that we may all be questioned and possibly
detained. I had just gotten out of one mess here with it written in my
passport and I did not want to have anything to do with the police.
Therefore, I decided to take a slow walk around town and come back a little
while later. When I returned two hours later I found only Monique, the
French girl, who had been anxiously waiting for me. In her broken English
and half hysterical tone she related the following account of what had
happened. The police came to write out a brief report as a matter of
formality, asking Hanz a few routine questions regarding his deceased pal.
(My exaggerated concern for myself was merely an empty mind bubble.)
Hanz wanted to have Klaus' s body flown back to Germany to his parents in
Berlin if possible but it would have to be taken to Kabul. Ordinarily there
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was a daily flight from Heart to Kabul on Ariana Airlines but, due to
mechanical failure (not uncommon) and no substitute plane, the only
recourse was to go by taxi. So Hanz bought a wooden coffin and placed the
body in it. To accommodate the long coffin in the taxi, the rear seat of the
small car was removed and the box shoved through the trunk. A policeman
went along as an escort sitting in the front seat next to the driver. Hanz and
Ronald, Monique's Austrian boyfriend, had no choice but to sit on top of
the coffin. Like that they had sped off into the mid-morning sun on the ten
or eleven hour journey to Kabul. Monique had not wished to ride with the
box and Ronald felt obliged to accompany Hanz in his hour of need, as I
was cowardly playing truant.
Monique did not feel up to making the long bus trip to Kabul that day and
asked me if I would stay back and go with her to Kabul the following
morning, to which I acceded. On arriving in Kabul the next evening we
checked into a hotel where we found Hanz and Ronald sitting at a table
smoking a chillum with some others. After some conversation we learned
the whole story and ultimate fate of the late Klaus. The long hot ride to
Kabul took almost twelve hours as the driver and policeman made periodic
stops for tea, meals and chit-chat with their friends along the way. Because
of the heat the cadaver began to rapidly decompose and the smell emanated
from the thin wooden box. To overcome the foul stench Hanz and Ronald
smoked several chillums while seated atop the coffin. (I couldn't help but
inwardly laugh at this, and felt that ole 5 Klaus would have probably
approved.) Upon arriving in Kabul at about 10 P.M., they went directly to
the airport to enquire about any flights to Europe. The authorities
regrettably informed Hanz that the corpse was far too deteriorated and
could not be allowed to be flown out of the country and there were no
flights leaving for anywhere until the next day anyway. Hanz had gone to
the German Embassy that morning and reported the sad incident and sent a
telegram to Klaus' s parents telling them the heartbreaking news — they
would never see their son again.
•* Ole (adj): Old. [Good ole boy: A usually white Southerner who conforms to the social behavior of his peers.] (Noted by
Dhammavamsa)
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That afternoon Hanz had arranged for the reeking coffin to be taken in a
horse drawn wagon to what had been nicknamed, 'Boot Hill 1 . This was a
section of the Kabul cemetery where the remains of tourists having died
here were put to rest. Quite a few other Westerners were buried here; some
having died from drug overdoses, a few had been murdered, and others like
Klaus succumbed to sickness or accidental death. Hanz informed us that
Klaus had a history of a weak heart inherited from his father's side of the
family. All the excitement and psyching himself up on our overland journey
must have exerted too much strain on his fragile heart, perhaps dying of a
heart attack. Now, having just returned from the cemetery they were in the
process of smoking a marathon of chillums in Klaus' s honor. Monique and
I joined in this hippie version of an official state of mourning.
I was now back to where I had been three months ago and was anxious to
enter upon the last leg of my long awaited journey. The next day I boarded
the silver bus bound for Peshawar, traversing the infamous Khyber Pass
into Pakistan and another long overnight bus haul brought me to Lahore, a
hop skip and a jump to the Indian border. I had to remain in Lahore until
the next day in order to obtain a three month tourist visa for India. In the
large two-story hotel, I shared a dormitory room with two English guys.
One of them had been traveling around a few years on the Indian
Subcontinent and was skilled at the ins and outs of getting about on the
cheap. He traveled very lightly except for the guitar he carried, having only
the thin white cotton pants, and vest that he wore plus a thin blanket folded
over his shoulder. He also had a small cloth bag in which he kept his
valuables, chillum and charees. His hair was cut real short to minimize the
heat and dirt problem and he had an old pair of repaired thongs on his feet. I
was able to extract a lot of useful information from this seasoned veteran
during our one night together. He knew all of the popular spots where most
of western hippie freaks went to absorb beautiful scenery, good dope and
inexpensive, carefree living — his favorites being Manali and the beaches
of Goa.
Upon receiving my Indian visa the following afternoon I rode the last
short distance by bus to the Wagah border. The immigration official who
looked through my passport regrettably informed me that I had failed to
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obtain a certain road permit which was needed by tourists to traverse the
short distance between the Pakistan check post and the Indian checkpoint.
When India was partitioned and Pakistan formed in 1947, there was a lot of
conflict, and still, is over the official border. So somehow this quarter mile
stretch of land has been regarded as a kind of no-mans land and there came
to be the need for this road permit. It was issued free, but only in Lahore. I
had vaguely heard about needing this permit but I had forgotten. Because I
did not have it, the immigration official told me I would have to return to
Lahore and pick it up at a certain office. There was an alternative, however,
he could be a nice guy and help me if I could also help him with a little
'baksheesh'. He had a standard bribe payment often rupees (about one US
dollar) for western tourists. The permit was never checked after leaving
here so it was really no big deal. He only made it seem important but he did
have the authority to prevent me from advancing towards the Indian side
only a stone's throw away. To avoid the delay and nuisance of making a
round trip to Lahore, I decided to pay the baksheesh and get into India.
Walking along the tree-lined road to the Indian checkpoint was very
pleasant. While seeing the coolies in their khaki shorts and red shirts I
could sense a distinct change occurring. The air about the place, the
officials and people hanging around seemed more laid-back, relaxed with
more smiles on their faces. The immigration official who checked my
passport and visa smiled and wished me a pleasant journey in India.
Somehow I knew that it would be just fine. It was now a full year and two
months since I had left the USA.
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CHAPTER 6
INDIA
From the travel tips accumulated I headed directly to Amritsar and
specifically the Golden Temple for my first night. The Golden Temple is
the holiest of the holies for Indian Sikhs, the center more or less of the Sikh
religion. It could be compared to Mecca for the Muslims, the Vatican for
Catholics, Jerusalem for the Jews and the Bodhi Tree in Bodhgaya for
Buddhists. The Golden Temple offers a free place to crash, bathe and eat
for all people regardless of race or religion, etcetera. This open,
indiscriminative hospitality is a manifestation of one of the principle tenets
of their religion, an offshoot of Hinduism, that all living life is part and
parcel of the One God. Because of this generous offering the Golden
Temple has become a major stopover on the overland freak trail. The only
stipulation is that you must be respectful of their religious customs; this
takes a while to be learned and appreciated. The head must be covered
when inside the sacred area and shoes removed. The main shrine is a
beautiful, golden dome structure sitting majestically in the middle of a giant
square tank of water. At the right time of day the reflection of the dome in
the water is superb.
Inside the sacred shrine, which is reached by a connecting walkway,
devotional chanting was being carried out by priests and devotees; around
the tank scores of people, young and old, sat and recited holy passages or
quietly meditated. Religious devotion was in the air and it was a good
experience for me to come into contact with it and try to feel it. It was as
though this summed up the whole meaning or purpose of ancient India,
considered by many to be the birthplace of religion, to go within and
discover God — the essence of life. My brief visit here left an indelible
impression in my mind which was becoming increasingly disenchanted
with the normal humdrum rat-race of so-called modern civilized society
and my own confused mind.
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The rest of Amritsar, which means "Holy or Immortal nectar", is basically
just another big, crowded, noisy, dusty Indian city. So, with an imagined
picture of Manali's cool mountains, I went to the train station the following
morning for my fist experience of India's trains. I had heard that it was easy
to ride free in the second class, unreserved railcars; the reason being that
they are generally so crowded the ticket collector is unable to walk through
the tightly packed narrow isles and therefore unusually doesn't even try. I
was not going to deliberately try and ride free but I arrived at the station
just as the eastbound train was pulling out. Being new to Indian railway
stations I did not know how to quickly find the correct ticket counter, as
there are separate counters for different destinations. So I ran to the
platform and jumped onto a crowded second class car as it was beginning to
move away. Because of the crowd I had to stand near the door, body-to-
body with pushing and shoving Indians. I remembered what I had heard
about riding free; experiencing first hand this packed condition I could see
why; still I felt a little guilty and nervous about getting caught and I
watched for the conductor, especially when the train pulled into a new
station.
Having studied my map, I planned to take what appeared to me to be the
fastest, most direct route up to Manali; this would take me by train to
Luddhiana and then by bus through Simla into the state of Himachal
Pradesh. About halfway to Ludhiana, as the train was pulling out of a big
station, a ticket collector in his white trousers and dark jacket jumped into
the very car in which I was riding, in fact right in front of me. He
immediately asked me for my ticket while ignoring the others; my heart
sunk down into my stomach and I was at a loss for words. I decided to
explain exactly what took place at the Amritsar station, with a little extra
embellishment, saying, "I wanted to buy a ticket but..." I tried to plead my
newness and ignorance to the Indian railway system hoping to sound like a
poor lost tourist. I figured this would justify my ticketless travel, making it
sound unavoidable or at least unpremeditated. In spite of all this
melodrama, he would not believe the story or have any pity on me; he
adamantly told me I would have to get down at the next large station and
appear in front of the station master for a hearing on the matter. Continuing
in the next breath he added that there could be a less time consuming and
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less expensive way out — if I paid him the train fare plus an on the spot
baksheesh of fifteen rupees. I knew that I was guilty and did not want to
lose time by having to break the train journey to defend my case in front of
the station master. I recalled the convenience and relief felt when I had just
simply paid the meager bribe at the border, so here too I opted for the
quick, easy way out and received my bone fide ticket up to Ludhiana.
I finally managed to squeeze myself with my rucksack down the aisle and
was offered a seat on the packed bench by some young turbaned Sikhs who
wanted to practice their English. They asked the routine set of questions
that I had first encountered in Turkey, plus a new one, "What is your
mission?" Many Indian people think that foreign travelers must have some
specific, goal oriented purpose for which we have come to their country. It
is difficult for them to conceive that we just want to be free and travel
around to experience whatever India has to offer, as it comes up, without
having a one-pointed purpose. I replied to the inquisitive but polite young
men, "My mission is precisely not to have a mission." Though this retort
was not entirely true, considering my current intention of going to Manali, I
had no real long range, overall goal, at least on the conscious level.
Manali was just as I had pictured it from the descriptions I had heard-
picturesquely nestled at the foot of the high Himalayas. The bus stopped at
the bus stand in the middle of the long, busy, main street, lined on both
sides with teashops, eating hotels and small businesses. Many Tibetan
refugees, since the 1959 Chinese invasion of Tibet, have made their
resettlement here and their characteristic dress and lifestyle was quite
evident. The first thing I did was to go to one of the cheap hotels to acquire
a room for the night. In the first one I tried there was an American guy
down with jaundice occupying the only dormitory room. His eyes and nails
were noticeably yellow and he was too tired to even get out of bed; a couple
of his friends were attending to his needs and keeping him company. Not
wanting to remain long in his presence by having to sleep in the same room
I went to another hotel where I was able to rent a bed in an unoccupied
dormitory. My intention, however, was to rent a house or a room in a house
outside of town for a month and to stay loaded.
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After a day of searching I found a suitable room in a big log house a short
distance up the hillside above town. The Tibetan family who owned it lived
on the top floor while the bottom floor was left unused in order to rent out
to tourists. They offered to rent it for a mere fifteen dollars a month. This
sounded like a real good bargain so I moved in the following morning.
Quite a few other western freaks were staying in similarly rented houses in
the surrounding hillsides.
Manali was a favorite resting place for Western hippies because the area
sported wild marijuana growing all over the place. You could just go out,
find some plants and rub the sticky pollen off to make your own hashish. It
was a lot of work however just to rub off enough resin to make a couple of
grams for day's smoking. But some Indians as well as Western freaks make
a living doing so, selling it to people like me who were too lazy to do it
themselves. So I bought a sizeable chunk. Being from California I was
quite content to pick the mature pollen laden buds to smoke in a good ole
joint or mix with hash to smoke in a chillum.
There was a nice hot springs/bathing house located over the bridge and up
the road past the Tibetan shanties, up a delightful creek-bed path and into
the forest. Here for a small fee one could sit in the pools of hot mineral
water to soak out any sweat or dirt or maybe soothe the itch of stinging
nettles. Up higher on the mountainside lived an old, wise Tibetan Lama in
his small monastery to whom westerners went to visit or receive some
instruction in Tibetan meditation. I personally was not enthusiastic enough
at that time to make the trek further up to check him out. I did, however,
score two hits of acid from some freak and taking one, I spent a lovely half
day wandering and exploring the high slopes and small valley of a nearby
mountain. This was the first time I had tripped since leaving Gomera and it
felt nice to experience some light, airy states of mind.
After two weeks living like this I began to feel very tired and lethargic. I
then noticed my urine becoming a reddish-brown color and felt sure that I
had contracted 'hep'. For more than two months I had been exposed to
persons who had been suffering from it or whose outward symptoms had
not yet appeared, so I was not surprised that I would come down with this
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very common liver ailment. Just to get official confirmation I went down to
the local missionary dispensary where an English doctor gave me the
standard urine test. My skin, nails and eyes soon turned the characteristic
ghoulish yellow, my faeces the pale white color and my energy level was
thoroughly zapped. I followed the normal procedure for cure I had heard
from others and from the doctor -taking 'Liver 52' pills, laying off greasy,
fried foods and alcohol, and plenty of bed-rest. There is not a whole lot
more one can do for this kind of mild hepatitis. Being so weak most of the
time I managed to muster up just enough energy to cut up a big batch of
vegetables and cook it all up in a large pot of soup. I made enough in the
morning to have the leftovers warmed up for lunch and supper. With
foresight I had stocked up a sufficient supply of grass which had to tide me
over for the duration, which turned out to be ten days. It was recommended,
however, that hepatitis patients should not smoke but I could not resist the
strong habit I had cultivated for so long. After breakfast I usually sat out on
the porch and smoked a joint or chillum by myself. I would sit there and
gaze over the nice view of the tree tops, valley and town below until I grew
too tired to sit any longer. I would then go back inside and lay down to
sleep for a few hours until lunchtime. This process I repeated after lunch
until supper and again after supper until falling asleep for the night.
After about a week I slowly began regaining my strength and the
yellowish color of my eyes cleared up. In a few more days I had all my
strength back and the other symptoms returned to normal. I knew I was
over it and was now getting itchy feet to hit the road. Before coming down
with 'hep' I had bumped into Ronald, the Austrian guy, on the street in
Manali. He had recently arrived from Afghanistan and was living in his
own rented house nearby. His girlfriend, Monique, had since went on her
own way for whatever reasons he did not divulge. Ronald came by once a
day or so while I was sick to help me cook or run to the market to buy fresh
vegetables and we decided to travel together following the hippie trail to
Nepal for the fall trekking season.
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Burning Ghats at Varanasi
The journey took us down to Delhi where we stayed a couple of days to
obtain our visas for Nepal, then on to Agra where we stopped, like all good
tourists to see the Taj Mahal. The next morning Ronald and I had to
literally fight our way onto a super crowded train which we rode eastward
to Banares. Banares, or Varanasi, is the most ancient of the still active big
cities in India and is considered by devout Hindus as the holiest and
preferred place to die. The city is built alongside the west bank of the
sacred river Ganges and Hindus come from all over India to bathe in the
water which is believed to be blessed with special purifying qualities. When
a Hindu dies it is auspicious to have the corpse soaked in the river before
cremating it right there at the river bank on the burning ghats. If a person
dies in the night, the next morning the corpse is carried on a stretcher by
friends or relatives down to the burning ghat in a procession where
Brahmin priests conduct the last rites. The richer the deceased or his family
the more elaborate is the whole procedure from start to finish. Everyday
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perhaps a hundred or more bodies are cremated in this fashion from early
morning to late night.
We stayed in Benares a few days and I spent time at the burning ghats
viewing the cremations. When I was a kid, I sometimes laid in my bed
before sleeping at night, trying to imagine what it would be like to die; the
idea of never being able to experience the human world as we know it was
a little scary. Now as I watched the bodies burning up, going from life to
ashes in a matter of hours, it initiated more reflection on the nature of
existence. I pondered the reason for birth and death and the insignificance
of the physical body in the wake of death with the immediate onset of
decomposition. I recognized the fragility of the material body and how each
person, animal and thing has its allotted life-span and one cannot be exactly
sure when that end will come and then what happens after death? I
speculated on what happens to the mind; did it go somewhere else or did it
just kind of disappear and cease to exist altogether? At this time I could not
come up with any convincing answers to these puzzling esoteric questions.
I also spent time sitting close to the river's edge along the bathing ghats
watching the multitudes bathing and washing their clothes joyously in the
holy water, while listening to the incantations of worshippers, fortune
tellers and religious songs being broadcast from loudspeakers at the top of
the Temples. I tried to absorb myself into what I felt was a religious
vibration or psyche of all those thousands of devotees with their minds
turned to God. In one of the many cloth shops in this area, I acquired my
first religious identify in the form of a lightweight shawl, decorated with
different combinations of Hindu and Buddhist symbols and mantras. I had
seen a number of westerners with these and desired to have one for myself,
to look quasi spiritual. I meticulously searched through piles and boxes of
them trying to make up my fickle mind as to what color and design
combination I wanted. I finally selected a light yellow color dotted with the
Sanskrit letter for OM and images of a seated Buddha. I began wearing it
draped around my shoulders, copying others, and occasionally used it as a
headband to tie back my growing out hair.
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One afternoon I took the short bus trip out to Saranath, the historic site
where Gautama Buddha preached his first discourse after his Enlightenment
entitled, "Turning the Wheel of Dhamma". It was very serene and un-
crowded in the large, nicely kept park. After walking around viewing all the
imposing monuments and ruins I tried to go inside the main Temple but for
some reason it was locked up. So I sat down in a clump of giant bamboo
nearby to smoke a joint that I had previously rolled up. I thought a bit at
first if it would be disrespectful or sacrilegious to smoke dope in this
Buddhist holy spot. I knew that certain Hindu ascetics smoked ganja
believing it to aid in their meditation or something to that effect, but I was
not getting any special spiritual understanding or inspiration by it. I asked
myself why I even needed to smoke this joint as I already felt very relaxed
and peaceful; I admitted to myself that it was most probably due to the
strength of my habitual use and always wanting to get high at each new
exotic place or somewhere reputed to have special power. In spite of my
questioning and disinclination, I was powerless to stop and lit it up while
looking around to see if anyone was watching.
While there, I tried to remember what I had studied and heard about the
Buddha and his teachings, the Four Noble Truths and the Noble Eightfold
Path; but it still didn't make any profound sense or ring any bells. I
speculated what Enlightenment would be like, "Was it the ultimate,
permanent high?" I despaired of having to smoke dope and use
psychedelics all my life to get high and wondered where that would
eventually lead. I recalled my experience with Transcendental Meditation
and how they stressed that using drugs was incompatible with meditation
and deep down inside I agreed with this. I hoped to eventually be able to
stop smoking and taking other drugs and get back to some form of
meditation as I had told myself earlier when I had left off with TM. It was
now more than two years ago and I was smoking more but enjoying it less,
as the saying goes. But I did not yet know of an alternative, a powerful
enough incentive, or the helpful supportive conditions to initiate such an
effort.
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[modern countries, borders, and cities]
The Ganges River
\
Delhi*
Buddha's
India
INDIA
^SHAKYAS
Savatthi •
KOSALA
Kushinagara
* VAJJ
MALAS .Vesali
* KASI , .Pataliputra
Nalanda
#" Cha
rRajagaha
• ANGA
CHETI Bodh Gaya
/ MAG AD HA
Calcutta
VANS A
Kosambf Sarn % th
[ancient towns, kingdoms, and tribe
Ronald and I chose to enter Nepal from the less used border crossing
north of Gorakpur and proceed straight to Pokhara for our trekking. From
Benares this was the shortest and most direct route. Just inside Nepalese
territory about twenty miles away in Lumbini, lay the site of the Buddha's
birth. Having just visited the Deer Park at Sarnath, I was inclined to make
the side trip to visit this second sacred spot for Buddhists. I guess, however,
that my conviction or faith in the Buddha was not strong enough to
stimulate or warrant the effort. Ronald did not have any desire to see
Lumbini. He had not even gone to Saranath while in Benares; he did not
have any interest in Buddhism or in anything religious. What finally
clinched the matter was a bus bound for Pokhara waiting at the border
which was filling up quickly. Actually it was already packed like sardines
and a couple of men were sitting on top of the roof. Ronald and I decided to
climb up and join them as there was plenty of room and it was a great way
to see the beautiful mountain scenery and breathe fresh air. We were able to
smoke a joint and enjoy a front row, unobstructed panorama of the mighty
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Himalayan peaks as we approached Pokhara. The view of the Annapurna
Himal was splendid, with Mt. Machhapuchhre, the "Fishtail", looming up
like a skyscraper flanked by five or six other peaks in this group, all
reaching up over twenty-two thousand feet.
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CHAPTER 7
NEPAL
Pokhara sits in a most charming setting located at the end of a large, long
valley at the base of imposing Himalayan Mountains, which looms
conspicuously behind. Phewa Tal, a sizeable lake, nestles at the base of the
surrounding foothills just outside of town. Beside the lake are the many
hotels, restaurants and shops catering to the shoestring budget travelers,
most of whom came to go trekking. Boats and canoes are available for rent
to row or paddle out across the deep blue mirror like water — a favorite
pastime for the tourists and the locals alike on a Sunday afternoon. Ronald
and I stayed in one of these lakeside hotels a few days to relax from our
travel and absorb the beautiful setting and laid back atmosphere, while
preparing to take a trek into the mountains. Along the lake road Nepalese
boys came selling pieces of hand rubbed charees while old women and
young girls tempted tourists with fresh Himalayan magic mushrooms. Not
being able to resist I bought some of both to take along with me on the trek
to ingest at some beautiful spot.
The nice thing about hiking here is that the trails have been used and
developed for centuries as the highway network connecting the many small
villages that dot the mountainsides and high ridges. All supplies are of
necessity carried in and out of the mountains by foot on the backs of porters
and mules. An almost constant procession of porters, local villagers, mule
trains and the swelling stream of foreign trekkers can be seen moving up
and down the mountains highways and byways. In most of the main
villages and important junctions there are hotels or lodges which offer a
night's accommodation with good meals for a modest charge. The casual
hiker needs not carry a lot of heavy camping equipment and food
provisions if he or she takes advantage of these convenient, hospitable
facilities.
Ronald and I were planning to take the route from Pokhara to Jomsom
which usually needs about ten days for the roundtrip of more than a
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hundred miles; however, we were planning to go only as far as we could
comfortably manage with our meager belongings. I did not have any proper
hiking boots and my rubber soled huarache sandals provoked blisters with
prolonged use; I mostly wore a pair of thongs. My only warm clothing was
the trusty jalaba and army poncho which together served as a makeshift
bedroll. For the occasion I bought a cheap thin blanket from the bazaar just
in case it was needed.
By evening we made it to the large village of Naudanda situated atop the
high ridge behind Pokhara. This ridge affords a fantastic panorama of the
whole Annapurna Range including Machhapauchare. A few of us who had
been walking on and off together throughout the day smoked a chillum to
ease our fatigue and watched the magnificent sunset. Ronald, however, had
not been feeling so well toward the end day and had to push himself to
make it. We stayed in a lodge that night intending to hit the trail in the pre-
dawn. I had the fantasy to drop a hit of acid which I had scored in Manali
and to 'trip in the Himalayas' under the waning half moon. Ronald said he
would not get up so early if he was not feeling better in the morning.
When I woke him at 4:40 A.M. he groggily told me he definitely could
not make it and would have to stay back to get more sleep and rest. Last
night and even now I had a flashing thought that maybe he was coming
down with hepatitis, but I immediately brushed the threatening intrusion out
of my mind. My self-centeredness was preventing me from considering the
needs of Ron; I did not bother considering to postpone my departure, to see
how he would feel later in the morning after a good breakfast. I was all set
to go; the sky was clear with the half-waned moon lighting up the mountain
peaks; I felt that I must go ahead with my acid walk as this was a once in a
lifetime chance. Ron must have picked up on my strong urge to go; he
reluctantly told me to take off without him and he would try and catch up
with me later in the day when he got his strength back. I said I would walk
slowly and stop to rest frequently and wait in the next major village until he
caught up. With this, I greedily swallowed the hit of LSD and strode down
the ridge under the star filled heavens.
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After about fifteen minutes of walking I stopped and sat down facing the
moonlit peaks and smoked a joint to help 'get off on the acid. This boosted
my mind and I had a delightful time strolling alone in the pre-dawn in the
shadow of those great majestic mountains. It was exhilarating and tranquil
tripping along when not a soul was moving on the trail. The silence was
interrupted only by my own occasional thoughts and by the roosters
crowing from the nearby villages. At this time I stopped again to
contemplate the sunrise. I tried to feel the sleeping world waking up again,
imagining the sun's rays re-vitalizing all forms of life, shining
indiscriminatingly and equally upon all creation. Out of these ruminations
arose, as if out of nowhere, thoughts stained with guilt about having left
Ronald behind. But I consoled myself saying that he would be OK and that
he would come along later that morning or afternoon, though deep down I
had doubts. I would wait for him at Birethandi, the next major village and
junction of mountain trails, which I would reach within a few hours.
After waiting in Birethandi for about five hours finally a few trekkers
arrived who I recognized from our lodge the previous night. They had news
about Ron. My hunch that he might have 'hep' was correct; he hired a mule
to carry him back to Pokhara where he would stay in the hotel and
recuperate. By this time I had more or less come down from the acid high
but was still somewhat 'spaced'. This news caused me a bit of vexation and
I struggled with the decision whether to turn back or not.
My selfish desire finally won out and I decided to continue my trek. I
justified this by thinking there would be plenty of people at the hotel to help
him as he had helped me in Manali. At the hotel he could get proper food
cooked. I reasoned that, "he wouldn't want his illness to burden me, to be
the reason to terminate my trek which he knew I had planned for a long
time." Deep down, however, I knew that I should have returned, even if just
to give him moral support and someone to talk to.
In another two days of trekking I reached the village of Tatopani, which
means hot water. Down by the roaring river below the village were a few
hot sulphur springs. This is a popular stopover for trekkers to rest their
weary bones after days of sometimes strenuous hiking. There are a number
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of hotels which cater to westerners by serving pancakes, spaghetti, apple
pie, corn flakes, boiled eggs, French toast, fruit curd and honey, coffee and
so. On the way I had passed a porter humping a full case of coke bottles on
his back which he was delivering to one of the hotels here. That means he
must have lugged it up and down the hills for at least three days from the
nearest motorable road. This made me pause to reflect on how strong the
power of habit and desire is in man to make him go to such extremes to
satisfy. I selected a hotel about which I had been told and was given a nice
room on the second floor which had a balcony over looking the mountains
and river canyon. After those few days on the trail subsisting on dhal, bat,
subji, biscuits, tangerines and bananas, I was ready for this 'back home'
food in which I liberally indulged.
The first thing I did the next morning was to go down early before others
arrived, to the hot sulphur pools near the river and soak my tired limbs,
especially my feet. I smoked a joint to get nice and numb before stepping
gradually into the quite hot water where I spent a sensuous, relaxing twenty
minutes almost oblivious to time. I had to consciously force myself to get
out, aware of the fact that it can be harmful to soak the body too long in
such hot water.
I decided to stay in this pleasant place a couple of days and planned to eat
the magic mushrooms that I had brought along, the following day. The day
was warm and clear and it seemed to be just the right occasion for that
organic high, sitting beside the rushing river close to the hot spring for a
periodic soak. For breakfast I had the hotel cook prepare an omelet with the
mushrooms mixed in, and it came out quite tasty. I took along everything I
might need — the jalaba to sit on, a towel, a few juicy tangerines, chillum,
charees and matches. Luckily no one else was down there yet, so I had my
choice of spots; I selected a sandy stretch of riverbank a few feet back from
the water's edge where the river had formed a shallow pool cut off by large
boulders from the main current. The main river tumulted down the canyon
riverbed crashing with thunderous roar. The view up the valley of a picture
perfect snow capped mountain made the spot an ideal setting for getting
high with or without drugs. The overwhelming power and vastness of
nature in its innocent beauty was enough to silence troublesome thoughts.
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After settling down, the first thing on the agenda was to ritually prepare
and smoke a chillum, consecrating the combined mushroom and hash high
with "Bom Shankar," to insure it being guided by Lord Shiva towards
spiritual awareness; whether it is true or not, the ritual blessing justified my
good intentions for getting loaded. Within thirty minutes I was getting off,
pleasantly absorbing the pervasive beauty and tranquility characteristic of
psychedelic highs in that kind of nature locale. After I had done a round of
hot spring soaking and splashing myself in the river water, kicking back in
the warm sunshine, I was joined by another westerner who sat down
nearby. By and by we began conversing, exchanging the usual polite
traveler's talk. He was a young Englishman who had been in India awhile
before coming up to Nepal as I had done and had just arrived in Tatopani
that morning.
In the course of our conversation, Jim began talking about his experience
at a ten-day meditation course he had just finished participating in while in
India. At this point, I became more attentive and listened with interest as he
explained in detail about this certain meditation practice which is called
vipassana. It involved concentrating the mind inside the body and
systematically becoming aware of the different sensations that occur. He
described how they started at the top of the head, focusing attention there
until some sensations like itching, tingling, warmth or just anything arose.
From the top of the head, the attention shifted downwards to the ears, eyes,
nose, mouth, one at a time while feeling the changing sensations in each of
the areas separately. Leaving the head, the attention continued down into
the shoulders, arms, hands, chest, back, stomach, into the legs and
eventually to the very tips of the toes. Jim described the process with such
vivid detail that in my very sensitive state of mind, I became intrigued and
absorbed. He said after the first five days of the meditation course when his
concentration had greatly improved he began feeling more and more subtle
sensations, what he called body vibrations, coming and going or arising and
vanishing. He experienced his body as being an amorphous mass with the
elemental particles of matter undergoing something like atomic birth and
death. In fact, at a certain point the feeling of his body being something
tangible, solid or whole seemed to disappear altogether; he could not
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explain too well, as he said the experience was difficult to put into words.
All along, my mind was so attentively fixed and delighted with this
narration that I also lost the awareness of being in a definite body until I
thought about it again.
Every night during the ten-day course, the teacher, a Burmese man named
Goenka, gave a talk on some aspect of Buddhism, or Dhamma as he called
it, with the emphasis on the idea of universal impermanence and Buddha's
Four Noble Truths. Each evening concluded with a 'metta meditation' or
radiation of loving kindness which was chanted by the teacher, in which
compassionate thoughts are sent out to all living beings. Practicing metta
meditation was supposed to help break down one's own ego-centeredness,
weaken or eliminate accumulated anger, resentment and hatred, and allow
one a good peaceful night's sleep without disturbing dreams.
After Jim had finished relating all this to me, I told him that I had once
practiced TM but had suspended it due to my dope- smoking habit. Only
now did I tell him that I was high on mushrooms, and the description of his
meditation experience struck me especially deep. I also conveyed to him
my growing disenchantment with using drugs to get high, and I thought
meditation might perhaps be a way to make the mind clear and high
naturally. He tended to agree. He told me that his teacher, Goenkaji, as he
was respectfully addressed, conducted these ten-day meditation camps
every month in different locations around North India; when I went back to
India I might be able to attend one of them.
Jim then said that there was to be a one-month-long course in Tibetan
meditation held near Kathmandu starting on November tenth, about three
weeks away. The teachers were two Tibetan Lamas who could speak
adequate English and had been teaching Tibetan-style Buddhist meditation
to westerners for the last five years; they had many devoted western
followers including several who had become monks and nuns. These one-
month courses were reported to be a very strong or powerful introduction to
Mahayana Buddhism, having a potential life-transforming affect upon
many who complete the training. My intellectual understanding between
the different schools of Buddhism such as the Mahayana and the Hinayana
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or Theravada was at this point very vague. I immediately became very
enthusiastic about this sudden opportunity and developed a burning desire
to attend this upcoming course. It was as though something broke through
or a connection was made in my heart or mind, that this was what I had
been unconsciously waiting for. I did not exactly know what it would
entail, but I knew deep down inside that it was something I needed to
experience.
I pressed Jim for more details about the Tibetan course; but he could not
tell me, as he had never taken it himself. He was contemplating the
possibility of attending, but he was still practicing the vipassana meditation
that he had just learned and was having good results. The teacher, Goenkaji,
did not encourage mixing or practicing different meditation techniques; so
he would probably wind up not attending.
All of this exciting dialogue had lasted about thirty minutes, a passage of
time to which I was almost oblivious. Now, coming back to less verbal
activity, I realized I was still quite high and just wanted to relax and
reabsorb the feelings of nature and try to imagine what a real meditative
state might be like. Before withdrawing within, out of habit and social
politeness, I inquired of Jim if he would like to smoke a chillum, thinking it
would be more for him than me. He politely refused, saying he had given
up the habit since beginning to meditate as it interfered with his ability to
concentrate. And so with that we both just sat there in silence, Jim evidently
practicing his meditation; and I enjoyed the expansive feeling of being part
of the nature all around; I wondered if this might be what the state of
Enlightenment would be like? Afterwards, Jim had a soak in the hot springs
and washed in the river and then departed to continue his planned trek to
Jomsom as it was still early in the day. That was the first and last time I
ever saw him; it was as if he had just popped in out of nowhere and then
just disappeared instantly into nowhere again. That brief but momentous
encounter, coming at what seemed to be the perfect time, was to be the
spark that triggered off my conscious active pursuit for what proved to be
the changing direction and radical turning point in my life.
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That night as I lay spaced out on my bed, all I could think about was
getting back to Pokhara and proceed to Kathmandu to sign up for the
meditation course. I was afraid if I waited too long the course might
become full, with a limited number of participants; so I wanted to register
early. I decided that the very next day I would start out on the return hike. It
took only two days via the alternative trail through Beni and Kusma to
reach Pokhara. At the hotel, I inquired about Ronald and found that he had
gone to Kathmandu the previous day. His case of hepatitis apparently been
a mild one and had recovered sufficiently at the hotel after six days. Early
the next morning, I myself got on a bus and was in Kathmandu late that
afternoon.
The next morning, I took a long walk out to a suburb of Kathmandu
called Boudnath, named after a huge, ancient, Buddhist stupa which sits
just off the road in the middle of many shops. A large, newly constructed
Tibetan Buddhist monastery rises among the rice paddies behind the stupa.
The site where the meditation course was to be held was on top of a hill
another mile or so behind the monastery, reached on a footpath meandering
through more paddy fields and clusters of homes. The hilltop area itself is
called Kopan and is a monastery, school and headquarters for the
International Mahayana Institute, the organization that conducts the yearly
retreats. When I reached the top of the hill, I found the place nearly
deserted except for a handful of people doing work here and there. I located
the reception office and the person in charge of registering prospective
participants for the upcoming course. This was a young Canadian woman
who had become a Buddhist nun; her head was clean-shaven and she was
wearing the traditional burgundy colored robes of the Tibetan Monastic
Order. She greeted me with a smile and was very polite and informative in
answering the few questions I had concerning the course. My exaggerated
concern and hurry for coming out of the mountains so quickly to register
early were unwarranted. Only thirty people had so far registered out of a
maximum allowable of about one hundred and seventy-five.
The nun informed me of the rules to be observed during the session.
There was to be no use of drugs, no intimate contact with the opposite sex
and a minimum of irrelevant conversation with other participants. We were
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not allowed to leave the hill premises to go into town without the expressed
permission of the course manager — and this only for an emergency.
During the second half or last two weeks, which would be a period of more
intensive practice, we were expected to observe the ten Buddhist precepts.
These included such things as not harming any living creature, not stealing
or telling lies, not wearing any jewelry or perfumers and not eating food
after the final noon meal. Only a liquid beverage like tea or coffee would be
served in the afternoon and evening during the last two weeks. These rules,
the nun explained, were intended to help eliminate negative thoughts,
attachments and vanity from the mind which hinder the practice of
meditation.
These rules seemed appropriate and worthwhile to me, especially the one
of not smoking dope. This, I thought, would be the real test of my strong,
six-year smoking habit. Sometimes I had wondered if I might be addicted to
the stuff; there had been a lot of speculation whether or not marijuana or
hashish was mentally habit-forming and addictive. During most the last
four years, I sure liked getting loaded and figured I could quit if I wanted to
— but I never wanted to; there was always another good occasion or
justification to get loaded. Was this a sign of being hooked? Anyway, I
would not be bringing any stash with me or have access to any to act as a
temptation, so I felt it would be easy to stop for this one month. But could I
stay on the wagon or even want to once the retreat was over, when I was
free again to make my own decisions? Would this be the opportunity I had
been more or less waiting for — to replace the drug habit with something
more fulfilling and meaningful?
I hung around the hilltop for an hour or so, feeling the place out which
was to be my home for one month. The hilltop commanded a superb view
of the whole Kathmandu valley on the front side and part of the Himalayas
on the back side. Although I had no experience or understanding in this
matter, I felt it would be a fitting place for a meditation retreat. I was
psyching myself up for having a good experience, whatever might be in
store. I had no real idea about the exact content of the course, what we
would be learning and meditating upon. I tried not to speculate or create
any fixed expectation about what it would or should be like. I met a few
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other westerners who had arrived early to help with the preparations to
accommodate the influx of so many people. There was a lot of work to be
done setting up big tents, digging pit latrines and so forth. The sleeping
accommodations would be in tents and in nearby houses around and at the
bottom of the hill, with men and women using separate quarters. The
lecture and group meditation hall was to be a huge tent structure yet to be
set up. A few of these helpers were working in exchange for taking the
course free because they were short on funds. Although the hint was put
across, it did not occur to me to volunteer my time and labor to help in this
preparation. On the other hand, my mind, being in the habit of thinking
about itself first, started to plan out what I should do for the next two weeks
to enjoy myself until the course started.
The first thing I did was to go back to Kathmandu to spend a few days
checking out this quaint city. Kathmandu is well known on the Asian tourist
circuit as a must to visit — an ancient city set like a jewel at the foot of the
mighty Himalayas, teeming with mysterious ancient Hindu and Buddhist
temples; a haven for road-weary travelers where hotel/restaurants with
grandma's home-made chocolate cake and apple pie are thicker than fleas
on an Indian dog. I had heard about the famous Swayambunath or "Monkey
Temple" way back in Amsterdam, where monkeys abound on and around
this Buddhist Stupa/Temple complex and the hill atop which it sits. It is
more than two thousand years old, very holy and very powerful, graced
with the "Eye of Transcendental Wisdom" painted at the top. Sadhus
reportedly smoke chillums on the steps leading up the hill, preferring to
smoke the dope which the western hippies bring. Westerners can learn the
"Bom Shiva, Bom Shankar" chillum blessing ritual from them. I was also
hoping somehow to locate Ronald or perhaps bump into him on the street. I
still carried slight guilt feelings for having abandoned him in his hour of
need and wondered if he was disappointed or angry with me. I knew,
however, that it was now too late for excuses or apologies; but I at least
wanted to meet him and consciously clear it off my chest. I also wanted to
take another one-week trek into the mountains nearby, returning just before
the course started; and I would have to extend my visa for at least another
month. So all of those things and more I wanted to accomplish during this
'free time'.
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That afternoon, I took a walk down "Freak Street". This is a street within
an area of several streets that crisscross each other near the Durbar Square
where many cheap hotel-restaurants are located. Many shops sell Nepali
and Tibetan clothes, bags, used trekking gear, and a variety of Tibetan
religious artwork and ritual paraphernalia. There were always loads of long-
haired freaks hanging out in this area where dope was also cheaply
available. The aroma of chillum smoking could usually be smelled when
walking past the cafes, most of which allowed open smoking and provided
classic rock music to keep their clients in a stoned, happy mood. Thus it is
obvious how this street acquired its unofficial name. I also added my freaky
looking self to the colorful collage of walking weirdoes and gave in to the
temptation to satisfy my own latent food craving.
While in this area, I kept my eye out for Ron. Sure enough, before long I
saw him sauntering down the street. It was as if our two minds met. I
walked towards him and greeted him, but I waited to sense his reaction
before I said much or inquired about his condition. As I somewhat
expected, he did not seem very open or well disposed towards me. He
quickly began berating me for deserting him to chase after my own selfish
pursuits. He thought we had been friends, but what were friends for if not to
stick around and help out in such situations. He reminded me that he stuck
by me in Manali until I was on my feet and that he probably had contracted
the germ while taking care of me. I knew I deserved most of the tongue-
lashing that I was receiving and did not offer any defense or rebuttal, but
quietly let him get it off his chest. All of this took place in about three
minutes while standing there in the middle of the street with others looking
on. After finishing his tirade and calming down, both of us sat down in a
cafe and talked more naturally for a little while longer. I offered him my
apologies for whatever it was worth and told him about the meditation
course I was going to attend. He replied that it might do me some good as
far as opening my heart up to others' feelings and needs above my own and
accepting responsibility, and he wished me luck in that respect. He was
leaving Nepal shortly and would travel down the east coast of India to Puri
and then eventually over to Goa for the wintertime beach scene there. We
parted company without hugs or tears.
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This incident had a deep impact on me. It woke me up to try and be more
aware of how I interacted and related to other people, stopping to put
myself in their shoes to see how I would feel. This same lack of awareness
on my part had also been largely responsible for the deterioration and
eventual heartache between Gail and me. It also helped see how fragile,
unstable and temporary human relationships as well as other mental
feelings and emotions can be, being subject to so many unpredictable
factors. I wondered if the meditation course would open my heart more in
these respects.
The next afternoon, I walked out to visit Swayambunath. The access from
town is via a narrow dirty street, across a bridge over a polluted smelly
river and up a long cobblestone street lined with many shops selling Nepali
clothes and bags. At the base of the hill begins a pathway of stone/concrete
steps rising steeply up to the top underneath a canopy of trees which covers
most of the hillside. Many small stupas and Buddha statues flank the path
much of the way up.
Here I had an unexpected and rather frightening encounter with the pesky
monkeys which inhabit the forested hill and by which the Temple got its
nickname. Having no familiarity nor a prior warning of their habits, I had
bought a bag of roasted peanuts still in the shell to munch on while on the
way. I was still holding the half- full bag as I started ascending the steps
when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I was ambushed by a gang of large
monkeys. Two of the biggest apes came real close, growling and flashing
their sharp teeth, making gestures with their arms and head that they wanted
the peanuts. By now I was surrounded by the others; and the ones in front
began inching nearer and nearer with greedy intentions, making lunges for
the bag — they were not monkeying around. I did not know what to do and
became quite nervous and even downright scared. I thought if I tried to
hand one of them a few peanuts the others would attack me for the rest; I
did not think they would have settled for me just walking past them. In a
moment of sheer desperation, I threw the whole bag up in the air; and the
monkeys all scrambled for the scattering morsels. I immediately made a
quick exit, running a short distance up the steps. Fortunately they were
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satisfied and did not pursue me; and with my heart throbbing noticeably, I
continued the climb up, throwing occasional glances back. That was a good
lesson on the power of greed and conditioning, as those monkeys' minds
were one-pointedly bent and determined to get those peanuts. In myself, it
revealed the strength of the ego's instinct for survival using the reflex
emotion of fear to kick in the adrenaline in stressful or threatening
situations
The stupa at Swayambunath is much smaller than the one at Boudhanath,
but is decorated with much gold-plated adornments and festooned with the
traditional Tibetan prayer flags. All around the base are fixed metal
cylinders called prayer wheels, which devotees spin as they
circumambulate the dome in the mandatory clockwise direction. It is
considered bad luck or even sacrilegious to circle Buddhist stupas or
temples counterclockwise. Printed on the prayer flags and on pieces of
paper inside the wheels are Tibetan mantras, mainly OM MANI PADME
HUM. It is said that turning the wheel sends the power of the mantra out
into the universe to purify evil influences, relieve universal suffering and
help all beings attain Enlightenment — or something to that effect. I
circumambulated the customary three times, giving the wheels a spin just
for the heck of it, at that time not really knowing what it meant nor having
conscious religious devotion. Buddhist stupas originated at the time of
Gautama Buddha's death, when they were erected as a memorial to
enshrine his bone relics following his cremation. Their purpose is to evoke
inspiration by remembering the Buddha's great Enlightenment, Wisdom
and Compassion. So the stupa is considered to be a symbol of
Enlightenment itself.
A monastery sits next to the stupa where a group of Tibetan monks
perform their periodic ritual pujas characterized by intermittent chanting
and loud, raucous horn blowing, drum beating and cymbal clanging. During
the puja (offering) service, a dense smoke and pungent smell from burning
incense permeate the atmosphere inside; and if you peer inside, it looks,
sounds and smells very exotic and mystical. The walls and ceiling are
elaborately painted with Buddhist artwork that makes little sense to the
uninformed or uninitiated. The monks in their burgundy robes sit on raised
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platforms playing their instruments. The pujas, which are performed several
times a day, are supposed to invoke the presence or blessings of the various
Buddhas and Bodhisattvas and to purify the place of any evil influences and
aid the monks in their meditation. After the puja it is possible to go inside
for a closer look at the extensive colorful artwork, and there is the
customary donation box to help maintain the temple and feed the monks.
I hung around on top of the hill for a couple of hours, checking
everything out while waiting for the sunset. I hoped to meet some of the
Hindu sadhus I'd heard about with whom to offer and share a chillum while
watching the sunset over the vast Kathmandu valley. This was another
fantasy I wished to fulfill, but I had not yet seen any. Monkeys were
roaming and jumping all over the stupa and surrounding buildings and
retaining wall as if they owned the place — after all, it is not called the
'Monkey Temple' for nothing. Some tourists were throwing them bits of
food, but these fellows were not so aggressive and audacious as their
brothers and sisters down below.
I did not see any Hindu sadhus, but I did meet a French freak who had
similar intentions of getting loaded. He was an old hand at this; he showed
me to a secluded spot outside the retaining wall which we climbed over
where there was enough room to sit down cross-legged with a nice view
overlooking the city. We rapped while I prepared a potent mixture and then
handed the chillum to him to ceremoniously light up. While I held the
matches to the full bowl, he let out a long chant of "Bom Shiva, Bom
Shankar" and other names I hadn't heard before; as he handed me the
chillum, the thought, "Will this ever end?" arose in my mind only to vanish
as I intoned my own Bom Shiva. We both got so stoned we did not speak or
move for about thirty minutes. As if by some preordained coincidence, the
monks in the temple began their late afternoon puja; the pleasant sounds of
the trumpets, drums, bells, cymbals and low-droned chanting seemed to
permeate the atmosphere in all directions. I wondered if the Buddhas and
Bodhisattvas (about which I knew little) would hear the call. I queried
myself, "Is there a real difference between the various deities in Hinduism
and Buddhism? Are they real entities, or do they merely symbolize
something higher, a spiritual unity?" These questions I would only begin to
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understand later. For now, darkness was enveloping the magical valley; the
puja had finished; and it was time to return to reality — we had to walk
back down the steep hill into the busy city.
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CHAPTER 8
OPENING THE ETC OF DHARMA
/ arrived at Kopan in the afternoon on the starting day and was assigned
to sleep in a house at the bottom of the hill, a five-minute walk to the top.
The building had two large rooms and was totally empty except for a thick
layer of straw which covered the earthen floor, acting as a wall-to-wall
mattress. The building had been rented from the neighboring villagers for
this purpose. I think ordinarily it was used for sheltering cows and buffaloes
in cold weather or to store grain. Twenty men altogether would be sleeping
here. We brought our packs to select, on a first-come, first-served basis, a
spot on the straw floor which would be our bed for the next month. There
was a single water tap nearby where many of the villagers went for
collecting water in pots and for washing, and all of us were supposed to use
it as well. Several other rented houses around the hill were used likewise,
and several large tents were set up on top of the hill near the kitchen area.
About one hundred and fifty people were expected.
A light meal was served to everyone between 5 and 6 P.M. The formal
opening began at 6:30 with an introductory talk by the Lama who would be
our principal teacher for the month. Inside the meditation tent at the front
was erected a large altar draped with yellow and gold cloth and decorated
with all kinds of religious ornamentations — vases of flowers, candles,
offering bowls, incense holders, etcetera. In the middle and slightly above
the rest was the guru's seat, where the Lama sat. The seat was quite large,
looking more like a throne, having a thick cushion and draped with fine
cloth. A short ladder enabled the Lama to climb onto the top of the seat to
sit down. On the canvas wall behind and above this seat hung many
colorful paintings of the various Buddhas and Bodhisattvas and the Wheel
of Life. These thankas also had wide borders of yellow and gold cloth
around them with tassels and frills. There was a large, framed picture of the
Dalai Lama hung directly above and in the center with white scarves laid
over the top edge and hanging down each side.
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In the tent everyone was seated upon his or her own pillow, folded
sleeping bag, blanket, etcetera on top of the straw-covered floor. The tent
was almost packed full with an end count of about one hundred and seventy
persons. Being new to all this and feeling a little shy, I picked a spot near
the back, facing the teacher's seat. I wanted to get a good look at the Lama
but far enough away not to be too visible. Most of the newcomers like me
sat in the back half and far sides of the tent while the western monks, nuns.
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and lay devotees of the Lama sat near the front. The distinctive fragrance of
burning incense wafted aloft and permeated the tent, and we quietly waited
in hushed anticipation for the Lama to enter. We had been instructed by one
of the nuns to stand up when he came into the tent. The whole setting and
mood appeared to me to have the look and feel of mystical sanctity.
When the Lama entered everyone rose quickly to their feet, and most of
those in front bent forward with their two palms touching as a gesture of
respect. Being unfamiliar with this eastern protocol, I and many others in
the back just watched intently as the teacher walked in and came to the
front of the altar where he stopped. He then faced the pantheon of Thankas
with the Dalai Lama in the middle and prostrated himself on his hands and
knees touching his head to the ground, and then stood back up. He repeated
the prostration twice more. He then climbed up the ladder onto the seat; and
arranging his bright burgundy robe so that his right shoulder was bared, he
sat down cross-legged. Once seated, the devoted ones up front, led by the
monks and nuns, prostrated themselves fully flat on the floor three times in
his direction. Again, we newcomers merely looked on with reservation or
ignorant curiosity.
The word Lama in Tibetan language refers to a spiritually advanced monk
who has become a recognized teacher or guru. Another term reserved for
Lamas who have special spiritual powers or qualities is Rinpoche, meaning,
"precious jewel." It normally refers to one who is on the Bodhisattva Path
and has the power to be reborn after he dies in any place that he wishes in
order to continue his work of saving sentient beings.
Lama Zopa v was young looking, about twenty-five, was short and thin,
wore glasses; the top of his head sported a quarter inch of straight, black
hair. He carried a small parcel of Buddhist texts wrapped in orange cloth
which he set down in front of him, and now he was sitting in silence with
his head bowed slightly. He reminded me of what we used to call in school
4 Lama Zopa Rinpoche was born in 1946 in Thami, in the Mount Everest region of Nepal, not far from the Lawudo cave
where his predecessor had meditated for the last 20 years of his life. Lama Zopa Rinpoche is now the Spiritual Director
of the Foundation for the preservation of the Mahayana Tradition and oversees all of its activities. (Noted by
Dhammavamsa, September 2004)
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an intellectual, book-worm type or a boy genius. I wondered what he was
doing and speculated that he was either meditating or gathering his thoughts
together before speaking. When he finally spoke, it was evident that he
could speak English reasonably well, this being the fifth consecutive year
that he had been teaching these courses.
Upon arrival we had been given a book written by Lama Zopa in English.
It was to be used as a companion textbook for the teachings we would be
receiving. Lama would be giving his daily lectures or discourses based on
the graduated material given therein, containing all the topics, philosophy
and meditation subjects to be covered for the whole month. The title written
on the cover of the yellow book was "The Wish-fulfilling Gem and the
Golden Sun of Mahay ana Thought Training". It had a simple line drawing
of a rising sun, with rays of light radiating off. The different subjects of
meditation are designed for seeing the nature of suffering in the world
which has its roots in the individual mind, to alert oneself to the need for
ending this unnecessary, self-created suffering in oneself, and to help the
whole world of suffering humanity likewise. The big emphasis is on what is
called Bodhicitta. Bodhicitta is the non-selfish motivation to attain
Enlightenment or freedom from suffering in order to have the power and
ability to teach others the correct path. The emphasis is on saving all
sentient beings, working selflessly for the benefit and spiritual welfare of all
creatures with a compassionate heart. This is the main motto of the
Mahayana school of Buddhism. In his first talk to us that evening, Lama
Zopa went over this as a general introduction to what we would be studying
in more detail over the next month.
I now had a vague idea about what I was getting myself into. Even though
I had tried to not have any preconceived ideas about what the course would
be like, this description was not anything I would have expected. I did not
make any judgments pro or con but tried to keep an open mind. I thought,
"If it is good enough for these Lamas and for the large number of their
western disciples who appear to be contented and happy, maybe it will be
good for me." With these musings, I walked down the hill under a dense
canopy of twinkling stars along with a few of my new roommates and laid
down on the bed of straw.
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The first two weeks were to be a little easier in terms of strictness, diet
and length of daily program. It was to act as a preparation for the second
two weeks, considered to be more intensive. We awoke at 6 A.M. to wash
and meditate by ourselves on our bed or in the meditation tent. After
breakfast we were to read in the yellow book until 9, when Lama gave the
first discourse of the day which lasted about one hour. After a short break
Lama Zopa then led us through a group meditation on that particular
subject. Following lunch, there was a rest interval until 3 P.M. during which
we were encouraged to read some more or meditate by ourselves. At 3 we
reassembled in the central tent for another discourse and another group
meditation session. After the light dinner, Lama delivered his evening
Dharma talk and led the final group meditation, followed by some Tibetan
chanting to close off the evening.
The talks and book material in the first few days concentrated on the
nature of the individual mind and how it has been involved in unlimited
suffering of various kinds, degrees and intensities since time without
beginning. The source of this individual suffering, thus collective suffering,
lies in the three mental poisons of ignorance, greed and hatred. Ignorance is
being under the imagined illusion, delusion and influence of the individual
ego, feeling we exist separately in this world of subject/object relationships.
Because of this deep rooted ignorance, the mind has become firmly
enmeshed in attachment and craving to things which please and having
aversion/hatred for the things which displease. Once these habit patterns are
moulded, the imagined ego or "self-cherishing I" will do anything under the
sun, breaking all moral laws if needed, to appease that greed and hatred.
The mind, thus poisoned and driven by these three root defilements, has
propelled itself, so to speak, along with the bodies it creates for its use,
through the innumerable rounds of birth and death, termed Samsara. There
is no original starting point discovered, when the whole process of mind
and body began and evolved. It has been going on since "beginningless
time." Even though an exact beginning to Samsara as a definite point in
time and space (as in the Christian theory of creation) is not evident or
determined, the Buddha did find or realize a definite ending. This cessation
or termination of the process of birth and death is called Liberation,
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Enlightenment or Nirvana. This positive state, beyond the ego-mind, is
realized or attained by eradicating or purifying the root of ignorance,
attachments and aversions from the originally pure mind. This leaves it
spotless, Enlightened and liberated from the limitations and ills of
conditioned existence.
Lama further expounded on the doctrine of karma, the natural law of
cause and effect and how it operates in the body /mind within the context of
the whole samsaric process. Negative actions by the body, speech and mind
are initiated by the three poisons (ignorance, greed and hatred) as cause.
These actions leave traces or seeds which will give rise to all kinds of
physical/mental suffering in the current life, with the capability to generate
rebirth in what are called the lower realms of suffering, of which the animal
world is one. Positive actions stem from the opposite — wisdom,
nonattachment, and non-hatred/friendliness/love. They give rise to all kinds
of pleasurable effects and happiness in this life and generate rebirth in thee
upper realms, of which the human world is considered one along with
various heavenly abodes. In this Tibetan teaching, there are six general
samsaric realms or worlds of possible existence which the book described
in elaborate, vivid detail. They are all conditioned, impermanent, temporary
states, being complex, mentally created environments generated by each
one's past accumulated actions or karma. The ideal in practicing Dharma or
the spiritual Path is to release oneself from all these planes of limited,
conditioned existence to realize and merge into the deathless Nirvana. 5
I guess I had studied about most of this, at least in a general way, when I
wrote that paper on Buddhism back in college; but I had more or less
forgotten it. Because of all the detail it appeared quite new to me or struck
me in a new way. In view of the westerners' predominant Christian
background, there would ordinarily be an initial skeptical resistance to such
an apparently contrary, atheistic philosophy which this seemed to present. I
tried not to immediately rationalize, compare, and reject, nor blindly accept
it. I figured it was most importantly intended to get us to stop and think
5 From here on many Sanskrit and Pali terms will be introduced and retained because most do not have concise
translatable meanings in English. The meaning of these words should become clearer as they are repeated over and
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about it a little. The purpose in having the periods of meditation set aside
after the talks was to give us the time, opportunity and group support to sit
down and reflect/contemplate these truths within us. There was nothing else
to do, nowhere to go; we had come for this, though we may not have
expected it. Therefore, the mind had no excuses; and it was more easily
able to acquiesce and get down to this real nitty-gritty.
In my own meditations, I could easily see how my past self-centered
greed, lust and attachments had had so many rebounding effects to myself
and those around me. It was especially apparent in such fresh memories as
the painful relationship with Gail. It was my lust and attachment which
caused most of it and was responsible for changing her whole life now as
well. And the foolish stunts I tried in Afghanistan were for the most part
motivated by greed and ego. These negative actions came right back in my
face like spitting against the wind, and they were felt halfway around the
world in my parents. Then there was the very recent episode with Ronald,
where again unmindful, self-centered desire played the key role in bungling
up that friendship.
I also contemplated world events in the past and present and saw how this
law of karma, especially the negative aspect, has reaped havoc on a global
scale. By considering all these factors together, I could begin to more easily
imagine how this strong mental force, powered by the ego's thirst and will
to live, could be involved in the cycle of Samsara; the mind did not just
originate out of nothing in this life nor will it just dissolve or become
extinguished at death. The theory of karma and rebirth began to make more
logical sense than the Christian theology of God's creation. I was now
being drawn in with more earnest interest.
Each time Lama came into the tent for the Dharma talk, he would stop in
front of the altar and perform three prostrations before taking his seat. The
students then executed their three full-length prostrations in his direction.
On the first night, I had merely watched with curiosity, not understanding
exactly why they were doing such an odd thing. I could sense some
resistance to it, thinking that it might mean totally surrendering to the
teacher; and I was not sure if I was ready for that yet. The next day,
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however, I felt compelled to go through the motions of prostrating anyway,
just so I would not look out of place.
On the second day, one of the western nuns gave us an explanation about
the purpose of prostration and why it is performed in this manner. She
explained that it served a few purposes. The most obvious and important is
to pay reverence to the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha, the Three
Precious Jewels, to which we go for refuge. The second aspect of
prostration is that we humble ourselves before a symbol which represents
absolute purity, goodness and wisdom. It is ego-centeredness, the "self-
cherishing I," that is the stimulus for greed and hatred and the biggest
obstacle on the spiritual path. Therefore, we have to undermine and break
down the strong ego barrier in our mind; and, by prostrating ourselves, we
symbolically offer up our ego. Buddha statues, thankas, the sacred
scriptures, stupas and living gurus all can represent or serve as the
embodiment of the Buddha or the state of Enlightenment and thus are
suitable objects for our prostration. The important factor to bear in mind
while making the prostration is that we are offering up the ego,
attachments, jealousy, anger and other negativities which prevent our
progress, which block the light as it were.
After the first few days of meditating and experiencing in myself the
strength of my ego, attachments and negative thought patterns I began to
appreciate this practice and began voluntarily and even conscientiously
performing the three full-length prostrations. Most everyone else who had
remained standing the first night were also doing likewise; it was as if a
subtle magnetic force or something was running through all of us, bringing
us down to our knees and chest, prone on the floor. I even grew to enjoy
and look forward to it; I could feel the effect it was beginning to have at
taming my assertive "I" and softening the mind to a more humble and
receptive state to effectively listen and absorb the teachings.
The next meditation theme we contemplated was the "Perfect Human
Rebirth." This is the idea or fact that to be born as a human being is a
difficult and rare occurrence. Being born in the human realm is due to
having accumulated much positive karma in the past, having practiced
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morality, charity and friendliness. And the human life is the best
opportunity for practicing more of the same and developing wisdom. In the
human life, feelings of both pain and pleasure, sorrow and joy, depression
and elation are intermittently experienced; and the human mind is at a
particular level of evolution where it is able to become aware of these
differences, to reason out between opposites. We can change the pattern of
our thoughts and actions if they are found to be faulty. Animals cannot do
this. Let alone merely being born in the human realm, one must also have
other favorable circumstances which facilitate Dharma practice. People
who are born mentally retarded and deformed or handicapped in other ways
will have little chance of learning about spiritual development or
meditation. And more than half the world's population is born into such
poverty or remote places where just staying alive takes all their time and
energy. They have little chance to read books on philosophy, religion, or
attend meetings and lectures where such things are discussed. Even if we
have the time, freedom and opportunity to read and hear about mental
development, Dharma and liberation and meet wise people, how many
actually take advantage of it? People in the affluent western countries
where the conditions are favorable are too engrossed in their selfish
personal lives, blinded by their indulgence and infatuation in sensuous
delights; they are caught up in the web of attachments, aversions, prejudice
and ego-building that they have woven themselves into. When most of
them hear about the Dharma, which necessitates morality, selfless
compassion, simplicity and egolessness, they pull back; they shy away.
Wasting this perfect opportunity by foolishly strengthening one's negative
habits and prolonging suffering in samsara is like spitting at heaven.
Lama Zopa gave us several lectures on this subject to go along with the
detailed account in the yellow book, and we devoted a few days on this
meditation. I was really taken up by this contemplation. I took notes during
the lectures, jotting down all the important points and read over many times
this section, memorizing the list of the "Eight Freedoms and Ten
Receptacles of the Perfect Human Rebirth." And armed with this, I became
engrossed in and took delight in meditating on this subject, spending
sufficient time pondering over the implications of each factor. I even lost
track of time, remaining absorbed for the full hour meditation period and
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lost the sense of my body and being in the tent with others around me. The
reason or logic behind devoting a few days and many hours contemplating
each theme is that it takes time for the untrained, un-concentrated mind to
penetrate a new idea and see below the surface of it. We were supposed to
meditate on each topic until the surface meaning gave rise to a deeper, non-
verbal, inner feeling, until we were convinced, which in turn spawns a
sense of urgency to act accordingly. And sure enough, before long there
began to dawn in me a sense of the logic and truth of what all this was
getting at.
Most of time while meditating, and even while listening to the talks, I
would try and sit in the cross-legged position. At first it was rather
uncomfortable and painful to sit for long periods; I would adjust my legs to
try and relieve the pain and rearrange the sitting cushion thinking that might
help. After several days, the legs and body gradually got used to the
abnormal stress; and I could sit still for longer periods and was able to
concentrate on the subject of meditation without so much interruption. It
was during these periods of comfortable, sustained contemplation that I
experienced a great joy and ease which boosted my interest and enthusiasm,
deriving deeper understanding and conviction on the subject. However, I
had to exercise awareness on my negative mind, as it would try and rear its
subtle, deft and ugly head from time to time. Sometimes, I caught myself
daydreaming, imagining what we would be having for lunch or dinner and
mulling over the past. I also entertained lustful fantasies about some of the
women taking the course. Sometimes, I would be curious and want to open
my eyes to look around at the others, to see if they were fidgeting about; I
compared myself to them to determine who was meditating better,
forgetting that this itself was a manifestation of the ego and restless mind.
Each evening before retiring and in the morning upon waking, we were
encouraged to sit on our beds to meditate on the current theme. Most of the
time, I could get into it and concentrate well, having the ease to sit for a
long period. Sometimes, I noticed my ego playing 'last man on the pillow,'
trying to outsit the others and be the last one to lay down or stop
meditating. All these instances helped to gain a direct insight into myself
and develop understanding and faith.
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During some of the break periods while waiting in the chow line and
walking to and from our sleeping quarters I sometimes felt like asking
others how they were taking it all in. Indeed, this was a popular topic of
conversation among many of the students who could not resist the
temptation to talk. Some had studied and practiced other forms of
philosophy and meditation and were comparing and making their own
criticisms. Others complained about the sleeping arrangements or the toilet
and washing facilities or the food or the strictness of the schedule, so on,
and so forth. When I was within hearing range of this idle chatter, I could
not help but overhear and sometimes deliberately eavesdrop. I could see in
myself the strong tendency to make my own private judgments, sometimes
feeling opposition and resistance to what was said and sometimes agreeing.
I began to understand how talking is a very strong habit, much of which is
initiated by the ego's desire to assert one's views, brag about oneself or
flatter others with ulterior motive and out of sheer boredom or restlessness.
Not being able to contain the urge, I occasionally spoke briefly with one or
two of the guys sleeping in the same house to whom I felt the closest. But I
tried to keep the topic on Dharma itself, comparing their reactions to these
different teachings with mine or how their meditations were going. I guess I
needed some acknowledgment or support that I was on the right track.
Despite my original resolve, I had, at the last moment, brought along with
me a small piece of hash, enough for only one good joint. I knew I did not
want to actually smoke it but I guess I was using it as my 'security blanket'
— just in case. In the first few days, the memory of getting loaded popped
into my mind and I would remember the stash I had tucked in the bottom of
my rucksack. After I gained sufficient interest in the meditation these
recurring thoughts dropped away altogether. This illustrated that only when
the mind is bored or unchallenged or wants to escape its present state of
dissatisfaction, does it need to get artificially loaded or high. This new,
exciting interest in meditation had now taken up the slack or filled the
vacuum and I had almost totally lost the urge and forgotten about it.
In the second week we began contemplating in more detail, the reality of
impermanence and death. On the surface it is evident that everything in
nature and in man's created world will change, decay, dissolve, disappear
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or die. However, the implications and imminence of this ever present
process has been ignored and relegated to the back of the common man's
consciousness so that he lives oblivious to the fact or without heed. In
Lama's lectures and in the reading it was stressed that when we die we
cannot take even a single hair with us to the grave or to the next world. The
only thing that is carried to the next life is our accumulated ignorance or
wisdom, desire/attachments and habit patterns which will manifest
themselves accordingly. Furthermore, the time of our death is uncertain.
The material body made of the four elements is so fragile and dependent on
so many external factors as well as past karma accumulated in the mind that
we may die unexpectedly. There is a saying by an ancient Tibetan Sage,
"Tomorrow or the next life, who knows which will come first."
Coming closer to home, even in our daily life, we can experience the
frustration, the disappointment, sorrow and pain that this ever present truth
of instability and change can bring to the mind which is caught unprepared
— clinging and grasping at straws. This aspect of present moment
impermanence in its relationship to confusion and suffering is even more
relevant than relating it to the time of death and the next life. It was the
recognition and growing awareness of this impermanence as it was
occurring in my mind and all around me that had the greater impact. As I
paid more attention to this, I began to relate in still a deeper way to the
Buddha's profound Dharma.
To accompany this teaching we were given a particular type of death
meditation to practice. We imagined ourselves undergoing the process of
conscious death from the last hour to being reborn according to our last
thought or strongest habits. This included visualizing the deluded negative
mind being spontaneously reborn into the lower realms as an animal, a
hungry ghost and in the various classifications of hell. We had read the
vivid descriptions of the depravation and tortuous suffering experienced by
the creatures in those realms. And in meditation, when we came to that
point, we were to try and visualize it with as much color and detail as
possible, going through each, one at a time. We were to try and create or
arouse a simulated feeling for what the suffering would really be like. The
purpose for this was to activate in the mind a sense of seriousness about
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how we die, to motivate us to keep our mind purged of the kind of negative
thoughts which would generate our rebirth there.
My initial reaction to doing this meditation was somewhat skeptical. I
recalled articles from western psychologists who talked about the dangers
of this mental manipulation. They said it could trigger off psychic shock
and other unpredictable mental and physical disorders in certain types of
people. I did not necessarily believe in all the vivid descriptions or even
that there were such miserable hells existing somewhere in time and space,
some of which were really outlandish. I figured that, whether real or not,
these contemplations were a skillful ploy for goading people to wake up
from their folly. I had already experienced much usefulness in the previous
meditation exercises we had been doing and because of this, I was
beginning to more or less surrender any resistance of my western
conditioning to the Lama. I had faith that he knew from some kind of
personal experience what he was talking about and, therefore, tried to do
the meditation as thoroughly and with as much vivid detail as I could
muster up.
In a few people, this kind of subconscious probing did indeed trigger off
spectacular physical and mental reactions. During one of the group
meditation periods on this subject I heard someone begin to cry which
turned into uncontrolled sobbing lasting for sometime. I found out
afterwards via the gossip grapevine that a girl had been doing the crying.
The meditation had indeed gone deep and touched a very sensitive nerve or
perhaps past life memory, triggering off the uncontrollable crying. One
English guy really freaked out; he left the hill and went into Kathmandu.
Rumor had it that this guy, wearing only his underwear went into a
restaurant on freak street, stood up on a table and pissed all over the floor. It
seems he was subdued by a couple of good Samaritan Christians before the
police came and was escorted him off to the seclusion of a 'home for lost
souls' which the Born Again Christians had set up there in Kathmandu.
What this illustrated is that we all have so much accumulated suffering and
traumas from the past locked up inside the subconscious mind which must
be released or purified before we can attain real mental freedom, the end of
all suffering.
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During these first two weeks everything that I had been hearing, reading
about and meditating upon gradually began to take some kind of shape and
started to have an increasing affect on me. In the beginning all these
Buddhist ideas remained in my head as 'out there' philosophy. Now, it
seemed to be shifting from the brain down into the heart as a wordless
feeling; it was starting to move inside upsetting the applecart of the routine
mind. Each Dharma talk, each new theme of contemplation, each period of
meditation was like another piece of a jigsaw puzzle being fitted into place
or like a pimple coming to a head. It was as though something deep down
inside was beginning to loosen itself from the obscure murky depths and
rise to the surface. It was a vague feeling and I could not get a hold of it or
put it into words, being very subtle and evasive. It was similar to the
experience of having the answer to a question on the tip of the tongue but
not being able to recall it enough to express.
On Thanksgiving night this crescendo came to a climax. I was sitting
there as usual, listening to Lama speaking about the deepest meaning of
religion and was very absorbed in what he was saying, feeling quite relaxed
and buoyant. All of a sudden, after a particular sentence, it was like the last
piece of that jigsaw puzzle was fit into place, like that ripe pimple bursting.
After an initial few moments of something like mental shock, I exclaimed
to myself, "Wow, wow, wow, I've been ignorant all of my life!" The whole
esoteric meaning of religion or purpose of life seemed to become clear, to
reveal itself. It appeared to be the un-mistakable answer to all which I had
unconsciously wanted to know. I sat there no longer even paying attention
to Lama's discourse. All I could think about was how stupid, ignorant and
spiritually blind I had been all of my life, deludedly following my ego's
desires and caught in the web of conditionality. After Lama finished his talk
and everyone went out for the break, all I could do was lay down and
continue to feel the liberating effects of that experience. It felt like a five
hundred pound block of cement which I had been carrying on my shoulders
for a long time, was just pushed off. I wrote down in my blue notebook,
"This is Thanksgiving Day, the first day of the rest of my life. Today I am
reborn. "
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When I finally went out into the moonlit night I was feeling as though
there was no place to go, nothing to do; everything seemed in itself perfect
and sort of timeless. The rest of the students were beginning to walk back to
their sleeping quarters. I did not feel sleepy, but was quietly, restfully
awake and feeling close to the peaceful vastness of the universe above,
longing to return to it, whatever 'It' was. I wondered if any of the others
were having such an experience, or was I left alone in my own mind. It was
similar to some of the 'highs' I had experienced when on psychedelics,
especially mescaline.
I began wondering what I should do now. The realization that to purify
my mind and try to attain Nirvana was in the forefront. It seemed that
nothing in the way of so-called world or normal life would interest me
anymore. The previous ambitions to travel around to satisfy my curiosity
and so forth just had the rug pulled out from under them. I even entertained
the idea that maybe I should now become a Mahayana Buddhist monk.
Then something deep inside said, "Hold on, lets just sit on this awhile; wait
and see; this initial burst of faith and elation is due to the uniqueness of the
experience and perhaps, tomorrow or in a few days, I may not feel the same
way." This was an example of the old rational self coming to the rescue. So,
with this temporary resolution, I started slowly pacing down the hill to my
allotted space in this impermanent world, acknowledging that it's been a
long time in coming and it will be a long journey ahead. I felt a deep sense
of gratitude, respect and warmth to Lama Zopa for helping to open my eyes
and 'showing me the light', setting me on what I felt was the right track.
Since the start of the course, the number of students had gradually
dwindled down to about one hundred and fifty. For the twenty or so who
dropped out, perhaps it was not what they expected; maybe they felt it was
too strict, too heavy on dogma, guru devotion, and ego-surrender. Certainly,
anyone with a strong, stubborn ego would have found it difficult what with
all the prostrations and so forth. It was a case of 'separating the sheep from
the goats' in terms of trust, conviction, and motivation to persevere. By
now, if one was not serious there was no point in sticking around. In the
upcoming two weeks we would be getting down to the serious business of
cultivating the precious jewel of the Bodhicitta, the sine qua non of Tibetan
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Mahay ana practice. We would be contemplating themes which are geared
for bringing an intimate awareness to the sufferings of all sentient beings
and to instill a sense of duty forged by great compassion to relieve their
suffering. To undermine and break down our inflated ego, the "self-
cherishing-I" was to be the primary task.
The day after that momentous Thanksgiving night, as if by coincidence,
the final two weeks commenced. During this period we had to formally take
the Three Refuges and Ten Precepts which we recited each morning in the
tent at 5:30. Included in the Ten Precepts are the first five:
(1) Refraining from killing any living creature
(2) Refraining from stealing or taking what is not given
(3) Refraining from unlawful sexual behavior (adultery)
(4) Refraining from telling lies and untruthful speech
(5) Refraining from intoxicating the mind with liquor and stupefying
drugs
These five moral guidelines are just common sense for harmonious living
in society and are based on the law of cause of effect. They are the basis of
most great religions and philosophies of life and advocated by all the great
Sages of yore. The last five precepts are peculiar to the practice of Buddhist
meditation and are designed to keep the mind simple and contented. They
are:
(6) Refraining from eating solid food after 12 o'clock noon;
(7) Refraining from singing, dancing, attending cinemas and sporting
events, etcetera,
(8) Refraining from wearing jewelry, garlands, perfumes and other
body adornments;
(9) Refraining from using high luxurious chairs and beds; and
(10) Refraining from handling money and engaging in business
transactions.
These are normally observed when undergoing intensive periods of
meditation and they help reduce vanity, attachment and sloth. Starting each
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day with the Three Refuges and Ten Precepts was a way to reinforce our
awareness and motivation.
In order to comply with the precept not to wear jewelry, I had to remove
the two rings I was still wearing. Knowing these rings and other hippie
identity such as my long hair were a source of attachment and supported the
ego, I decided to get rid of them altogether. That first day of taking the Ten
Precepts, I gave the rings to different people who ironically wanted them. I
thought to sell them at first, but then did not even want to occupy my mind
with such worldly matters. Anyway, we were not supposed to engage in
any money transactions in accordance with the tenth precept. As for my
long, golden locks, this I was more hesitant about sacrificing. I knew that if
I really wanted to practice non-attachment the best thing would be to cut
my hair off. I now experienced a struggle between my old ego-self and the
new emerging, fledgling, egoless Bodhisattva. I reasoned with myself,
"How could I ever become a future Buddha, having to undergo limitless
deprivations and sacrifices if I could not even part with my hair?"
Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, that same
day my scalp began to itch. With the aid of a friend, I discovered to my
chagrin, that I had acquired head lice. It was a big disturbance during
meditation to say the least; I could not resist the urge to scratch sometimes.
And now I was confronted with the big decision — what to do about it?
The first solution that came to mind was to shampoo the hair which
would kill the lice but not their eggs. Someone told me soaking the head in
kerosene would kill both the lice and their eggs. But then I remembered I
had just taken the precept not to kill any sentient beings. So I consulted one
of the nuns to ask her if this counted. She confirmed what I already knew
saying, "Yes, lice are surely sentient beings." I now had only two
alternatives: I could simply shave off all my hair which would immediately
solve the problem without killing the lice; the other was to just leave the
hair with the lice intact and suffer through it, perhaps growing used to the
discomfort. Well it needed only the next period of meditation, sitting in
sheer agony and gritting my teeth, to make the decision. I felt this was the
omen or impetus needed to resolve this dilemma I had been grappling with.
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During the noontime rest period, I had one of the guys cut off as much of
my hair as he could with a pair of scissors. As the long hair fell off a few
old clinging memories flashed across the mind. But I easily dismissed them
as I began to feel the lightness and cool breeze against my temples, ears and
neck and finally on the crown of my head. It felt really good as though
another burden had been dropped. I brushed the short stubble remaining to
remove any stubborn lice and eggs, being careful not to harm them, and
then proceeded to wash my near bare scalp with soap and water. It felt
terrific! The contrast was so great and the troublesomeness now absent that
I thought I would not want to ever grow my hair so long again. I now felt
almost naked both physically and mentally. However, I still retained a
vestige of my old image with my beard and jalapa that I wore most of the
time, but I was satisfied — at least for the time being that I had done
enough. After all, I did need something to wear in the cooler days and the
beard did not have lice.
I had most likely picked up the lice from the mats or straw beds on which
I had slept on my treks or maybe from the hotel in Kathmandu. It was a
common sight to see two or three women sitting on the porch of their house
picking lice off of each other's head along the trekking trails and in rural
villages. Many westerners suffered from this menace having picked it up
from beds of cheap hotels here and all along the Asian travelling circuit.
Hepatitis, lice and intestinal disorders were the common ailments
contracted by the hippie wanderers in Asia, and now I had suffered through
all three-still troubled by occasional bouts of diarrhea. I was now a member
of the club! During the lecture meditation period that afternoon, I was
slightly self-conscious. I wondered if people would recognize me and what
they would think. A couple of persons made some brief comment but most
seemed not to notice; they probably had enough occupying their own minds
already. In the following days, a few more freshly shaven heads appeared,
on men and women alike. What motivated them I don't know, but the
meditations seemed to be working.
The first powerful theme of meditation to cultivate Bodhicitta, to break
out of the ego's shell and open up the heart, was to remember the kindness
of our parents. This began by recognizing the love, care and selfless
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sacrifice which our own parents in this lifetime have raised us with. Mother
nursed us with the milk from her own breasts for many a long day, cuddled
us, showered love and affection on us, and protected us from physical
danger when we were yet a tender, tiny baby. The parents worked and
toiled twenty odd years to provide us with a wholesome upbringing,
education, material satisfaction and so forth. And for the most part as
children we merely took all that for granted without showing any gratitude
to them. This is especially true in modern western society. We were to
further reflect that it would be physically impossible for us in the rest of the
current lifetime to ever fully repay all of that kindness. Even if we were to
carry our parents on our shoulders and spoon fed them until they died, it
would not be enough.
This contemplation for me was somewhat of a tear-jerker. I could relate to
this as I recalled and reflected on my childhood. I fondly remembered how
mom and dad always took us kids on summer vacations, giving us the
opportunity to learn more about the world, encouraging us in schoolwork,
Cub Scouts, Boy Scouts, the Y.M.C.A. and so on. I remembered how,
during my adolescent surfing days, dad would get up before daybreak to
cook us breakfast and prepare the car for the beach trip — all while we
slept in from a night out. These events and much more I recalled with
clarity and realized that I had taken it mostly for granted and rarely
voluntarily offered to do anything in return. Instead, as a teenager and
young adult I caused them a lot of worry, vexation and disappointment by
disobeying their advice, running around with the guys, getting into
mischief, doings things which they were not proud of and acting
irresponsibly. It opened up in me a whole new attitude and way of
understanding and relating to my parents. Granted, now that I was no
longer at home, perhaps it was easier for me to change my feelings like this
towards them.
Another aspect of this meditation was to consider that the best most
profitable way to repay that kindness would be to instruct them in the
Dharma. A whole universe of precious gems would not be as benefiting or
rewarding as setting their hearts at ease with the refreshing, liberating
knowledge and practice of Dharma. Therefore, the best way to truly help
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mom and dad would be for me to realize the fruit of Dharma practice and
then pass it on to them. The meditation ends by imagining your parents
before you while radiating white light to them — purifying their body and
mind raising them to the state of Enlightenment. I enjoyed doing this, and
while radiating the white light, I tried to visualize mom and dad seated in
the living room back home in Riverside. I imagined that they would be
watching television or eating dinner or whatever else they might be doing at
that very moment, taking into account the twelve-hour time difference. I
even got carried away in my Bodhisattva fantasy and tried to visualize
myself actually manifesting in front of them in the living room, telling
them, "Don't be scared, I've attained Enlightenment and have come to help
you." I wondered if they might actually be able to feel this mental thought
energy I was trying to send their way.
This and other similar mental games I would be playing were mostly
fantasy and wishful thinking, probably having no real impact on anyone
except myself. I did these mental exercises, however, with what I believed
was a sincere motivation as I had been instructed. On the other hand it
could have been a subtle form of self-deception, building up the ego instead
of breaking it down.
Continuing in the same vein we expanded our Bodhicitta by
contemplating the idea of "All Mother Sentient Beings." Since
beginningless time ourselves as well as all other sentient beings have been
rotating through the six Samsaric realms; this has been long enough for
every individual being to have been the mother of each other many times
over in our unlimited previous lives. Knowing this we should therefore
kindly look upon and regard every living creature just as we affectionately
regard our present mother; this includes our present father, brothers, sisters,
other relatives, friends, teachers, strangers; yes, even the person at work
you can't stand, enemies and the beggars on the street. Thus regarding them
we should forget what they are like now, and offer them respect, love, and
sympathy. In this way, ideally, all our differences, prejudices, and ill-will
towards other classes of people and creatures will be undermined and melt
away, leaving only unbounded goodwill, friendliness and compassion for
all. The meditation ends by again visualizing our parents surrounded by
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beings in the six realms, radiating white light and imagining them all
attaining Buddhahood.
To carry the Bodhicitta development to its climax we practiced "Taking
and Sending". All suffering sentient beings from the ten directions are
visualized sitting around us as before. Utilizing the breath once again, while
breathing in through both nostrils we imagine taking into ourselves all the
pain and suffering of body and mind from all those beings, relieving their
sufferings by way of mental transference. Then by the purity and power of
our own Enlightened mind we transmute that suffering into white light and
send this purity /wisdom back out to them on the outgoing breath through
both nostrils. In the end we are seated on an open lotus in the sky
surrounded by all the other beings who are now Buddhas on lotuses also.
And the whole universe of beings is enlightened to the tune of, "And they
all lived happily ever after."
During these last two weeks I was appreciating many of the Ten Precepts
especially the rule of not eating after 12 noon. I found it to be conducive in
reducing the mind's appetite not only for food but to other sensory desires
as well. It helped me to become more contented with the little we had and
my body felt lighter. It provided an insight into how overeating makes the
body and mind sluggish and dull. I was able to remain more alert longer at
night, to sit longer in meditation on my bed before sleeping. In the morning
I could get up more quickly and felt more refreshed. Standing in the long
line to receive breakfast and lunch meals was a good opportunity to watch
the ego/mind at play. I could see the curious urge to want to find out what
was to eat, as if it would really matter. The meals were always well
balanced, wholesome and delicious, so there was no need to worry about
not getting enough nourishment with only the two meals a day. The kitchen
usually prepared enough food for everyone to get a sufficient quantity plus
a limited amount for seconds for those who wished. Some persons would
hurry to be at the front of the chow line in order to finish eating their first
helping quickly to get back in line for seconds, in some cases even before
others had gotten first. At the beginning I could see this same habit urge in
me though I never followed suit and stuck with only one plateful.
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As the big emphasis was on weakening the ego and putting the welfare of
others before oneself, I began deliberately waiting until ever everyone else
had queued up before taking my place at the end of the line. Several others
had the same idea, however, and it became a kind of contest of who could
walk the slowest to be the last in line. To combat this subtle ego game, as I
eventually perceived it, I reverted to simply standing where I casually
happened to fall into line. Practicing the Ten Precepts allowed me to
observe on a deeper level how the body and mind are interdependently
related to each other. I perceived in myself and others how the two have
become overly conditioned and dependent upon external sensory
stimulation and the memories they evoke. I experienced and understood
how attachments and desire/craving forged the sense of "I", thus separating
us from the whole, keeping the mind heavily weighted down and obscuring
the Truth.
The retreat was now in its last few days. The inspiration and faith in the
Dharma that I had experienced on Thanksgiving night was still quite strong,
though the initial euphoria and devotion had by now mellowed out. I still
had the strong inclination to pursue the study and practice of the
Buddhadhamma to the expense of other worldly attractions and ambitions,
though the idea of becoming a Mahay ana monk had since faded. I had
enjoyed immensely and still was, these Tibetan practices which had
converted me more or less into becoming a Buddhist. I was confident that I
had finally discovered a worthwhile and fulfilling course to pursue in life. I
did, however, recall the encounter with Jim at Tatopani, the key event in
my coming to Kopan, and his vivid description of his personal experience
with vipassana meditation. I had heard since then that vipassana was a
technique of the Hinayana or Theravada Buddhists and was a more direct,
penetrating system of body /mind exploration or self-discovery. I had an
inkling to experiment with this alternative method in order to broaden my
perspective and to experience a different aspect of the body and mind, a
complementary approach to gaining insight/wisdom.
On the last morning, Lama expounded in a very clear, meaningful way
the need for taking refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. Most of us,
not knowing any recourse, have taken refuge in the material world as our
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source of identification, security and pleasure gratification. We have
created a restricted world around acquiring a family, job, friends, money,
social interaction, a self image and a striving ambition in a competitive
society. But, because of the inherent impermanent nature of all these things,
being subject to change at any moment, they don't provide a dependable or
secure refuge. At most they offer only 'one night's shelter', a temporary,
fleeting gratification for the grasping mind, whereupon we must strike out
again in our exasperating search for security. Only the Three Jewels are
dependable, objects for refuge, because they do not change — being
beyond time, space and conditionality. The real Buddha, Dharma and
Sangha are the three aspects of the one Truth or Unconditioned Dharma
which is the seed within each living being. It is this state of Original
Enlightenment that exists as an inherent potential that we must recognize
and take refuge in. All of the Buddhas and Gurus of the past, present and
future are merely physical manifestations of that Ultimate Reality.
However, as most of us are still living in the world of relativity with our
minds yet weak, we need something more tangible or concrete to relate to.
It is for this reason that the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha of the physical
plane have come to be useful, to help get us on the right track, to stimulate
our inspiration and motivation. So we take refuge in the Buddha
Shakyamuni as the Supreme Teacher whom our living Lamas and Gurus
are embodiments. We take refuge in the Dharma by studying the various
scriptures as our guidelines for thought, speech, action and meditation. And
we take refuge in the Sangha, the order of monks and nuns who have
dedicated their hearts and lives to the Teachings. The Sangha keeps the
Dharma alive as verifiable Truth, to whom we can approach for
encouragement, inspiration and guidance. He went on to explain the five
precepts and their significance in the process of mental development. They
are voluntary self-imposed restraints which help to increase awareness of
ourselves within the environment, to keep us in harmony with the law of
cause and effect and to decrease unwholesome states of mind while
increasing wholesome ones. If we should happen to break one of the
precepts it does not mean the end. We should acknowledge the error or lack
of awareness and resolve to try a little bit harder to be more aware, to avoid
carelessness in the future.
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After the talk we were going to have the opportunity to formally Go For
Refuge and take whichever of the five precepts we felt we could personally
try and keep for the rest of our life. This ceremony was something like
becoming an official Buddhist. Also, for those who wished, the Lama
would be giving out Tibetan Buddhist names. It is an ancient custom in
Eastern Spiritual traditions when a seeker is initiated, he or she is given a
Dharma name by the Guru. This symbolizes the conscious break from the
old identity and ways of ignorant thinking, negative habit patterns and so
forth. It is a kind of spiritual rebirth and the new name generally has a
meaning relevant to the budding qualities of the novice disciple which is
sensed by the Guru.
Since that Thanksgiving night, I had already unofficially considered
myself as a spiritual seeker. However, as an additional support and as a
token of my heartfelt gratitude to the Lamas, I chose to officially become a
Buddhist and take the Three Refuges. Now, I had to decide which of the
precepts I felt I was ready to try and scrupulously observe for the rest of my
life. Well, I knew I never would want to intentionally kill any living
creature and would try not to steal anything again. These two, I believed, I
could honestly endeavor to maintain the rest of my life. About the other
three-lying, sexual misconduct, and becoming intoxicated by drink and
drugs, I could not be so sure. I did not necessarily wish to do those things,
but knowing about unexpected, extenuating circumstances, the power of
habit, and my yet unsure strength of mind in these respects, I opted to hold
off. I figured that while still in Asia travelling around, it might be necessary
to tell a 'little white lie'. For instance, when I was trekking, I had to distort
the truth about my non-existent permit and getting caught on the India train
without a ticket necessitated some fast tall talking. I could not be sure
something like that would not happen again. And I was not exactly clear
about what the term unlawful sex meant — perhaps meaning having sex
with only one's legal wife. In this case, I was not certain if I would not meet
a woman somewhere, sometime and feel like sleeping with her. As for
drinking liquor to become drunk I was sure I could abstain; refraining from
taking mind stupefying drugs, I was unsure. I asked one of the western
monks if this included ganja, hashish, and psychedelics like mescaline,
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LSD and magic mushrooms. He said that though they were not specifically
listed the Lamas considered them taboo. I knew I hoped to kick the whole
drug habit once and for all, but again, I could not be exactly sure that
sometime in the future I might wish to get 'high'. I did not want to make a
lifetime commitment to something that I was not quite certain about.
Therefore, I thought to wait and take these last three precepts at a later date
when I felt the time was right.
Considering myself having been spiritually reborn and to go along with
officially becoming a Buddhist, I chose to receive a Dharma name. There
was a bowl filled with enough names for everyone if needed, and Lama
would draw one out for each person as he or she came up before him to
receive it with his blessings. During the actual ceremony we chanted the
traditional formula for accepting the Three Refuges as we had done each
morning for the last two weeks. When it came time for the precepts each
person recited the verses pertaining to the ones he or she was individually
undertaking and kept silent for the rest. Then in a kind of random order
those who desired a name got up and came before Lama. The names were
supposed to specially suit each person but the way he seemed to pick them
out by chance, I didn't see how it could. The name given to me was
Thubten Torgme. Thubten is a respectable prefix which everyone receives,
while Torgme is a Tibetan word meaning 'no resistance'. I quite liked this
name and felt that it meant I would have little resistance in achieving my
desired spiritual goal. Whether this would be true or not, only time would
tell.
The retreat formally ended with a colorful, elaborate puja in which
several more Tibetan Lamas participated. As in the pujas at Swayambunath
there were lots of trumpeting, cymbals, bells, drums, endless chanting and
mounds of food offerings. The whole atmosphere inside the tent seemed
charged with a spiritual energy that triggered my imagination. I pictured
Buddhas and Bodhisattvas being summoned from all quarters of the
universe, filling the tent and bestowing their blessings on all of us new
fledgling Bodhisattvas. It was a fitting finale to the most emotion packed,
mentally uplifting and enlightening month I had ever spent. On the surface I
was a little sorry that the retreat was over, that I would be leaving the
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pleasant, protective surroundings of the hilltop to which I had grown fond
and somewhat dependent. On the other hand, I was ready to leave the
security and protection of the retreat environment to be on my own again. I
was curious to see if I would be able to maintain my awareness and
commitment to Dharma without anyone except my own conscience looking
over my shoulder. I felt this would be the real test to see if I could maintain
my present state of well-being and not need to smoke dope and indulge in
other ways, feeding a sensual appetite in the outside world.
Now that the course was officially over, we were free to openly converse
and socialize with each other. We could establish closer ties with people we
had seen and felt attracted to but to whom we couldn't speak. The hill was a
beehive of activity with one hundred and fifty people preparing to go in a
multiplicity of different directions. Many were exchanging names and
addresses, discussing travel plans and forming new travelling companions. I
was in no particular hurry to go anywhere and casually hung around
meeting and speaking with several different people trying to decide what I
would do next.
There was a rumor spreading that early in January the Dalai Lama was
going to be in Bodhgaya along with thousands of his Tibetan followers. He
would be conducting a Kalachakra initiation for everyone in attendance.
The Kalachakra is a special high level Tantric initiation that only the Dalai
Lama is ordained or divinely authorized to perform. It is performed only a
few times in his lifetime when he feels that a World crisis is impending.
The power generated by this initiation is believed to be able to counteract or
offset the negative forces in the world and hopefully avert such an
apocalyptic catastrophe. Most of the western monks, nuns, and lay
devotees, were planning to be there for this rare, auspicious occasion. At
this time also, the Dalai Lama was going to personally conduct an
ordination ceremony for a whole group of westerners wishing to become
monks and nuns in the Tibetan tradition. Most were students in this very
meditation course. This started me thinking again about myself becoming a
Mahayana Buddhist monk. This would be a real special opportunity to be
ordained directly by His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama himself. But,
then, I searched out my inner feelings and discovered some resistance or
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caution about joining such an elite, organized group as I perceived it would
be. I needed some time to be by myself continuing the practice on my own
and following my own inner needs which I thought I could know. At any
rate, I began planning the journey down to India to be in Bodhgaya at that
time and perhaps attend the mass Kalachakra initiation. That afternoon after
most of the others had departed, I nostalgically said goodbye to the hilltop
and wandered aimlessly back across the flat rice paddies to Boudnath and
into Kathmandu.
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/wound up staying in Kathmandu about two weeks, renting a room in a
small hotel where I tried to keep up my daily meditation practice. On the
second day I got the urge to go into one of the hippie cafes and smoke that
small piece of hash that I had kept all this time. I wrestled with this telling
myself I shouldn't do it, that this would be reverting back to my old habits
and so on. Then I argued that it might be interesting to see the mental
reaction to sitting in one of the cafes listening to old rock music. And I was
curious to see whether I would get high in the same way as before or just
exactly what it would feel like. The piece of hash was starting to burn a
hole in my pocket, or more correctly in my mind, now that I was out of the
protective environs of the course. I finally gave in and selected a cafe down
a side street where familiar music was playing and where no other
westerners were seated. I felt self-conscious and slightly guilty and hoped I
would not be seen by anybody who had been at the retreat. I could easily
see how the mind remembers and old habits reassert themselves as I rolled
up a joint and smoked it. The joint did not seem to do much except make
my mind cloudy and dull. I also did not enjoy the music as it was too loud
for my newly sensitized ears. I suppose this was the test I had been hoping
for, to prove to myself that I no longer needed the stuff, that the meditation
had some positive effect. People normally get 'high' or intoxicated because
they are not satisfied or content with the present moment, the present state
or condition of their own mind, so they want to change it. But I became so
absorbed in the study of Dharma and meditating that the present condition
was enjoyable enough to not want to change it, or get 'high'. I was already
high. So I was beginning to see how getting involved with and developing
one's mind in the Dharma could be an effective means for overcoming the
need to 'get high'. This was exciting.
During this first week I wrote to my parents. Just before the retreat had
started I had written them about my intention to take the meditation course,
but had mentioned it in a passing kind of way. I could have just left it at
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that and not inform them of my new radical transformation, saying that I
was just going to continue touring around and exploring different parts of
India for the next year or so. But I felt that not telling them my new feelings
about life and the real reason for staying in India — to continue my
meditation practice and related studies, would be evading the issue; sooner
or later the matter would have to be dealt with. I also considered that not
telling them the full truth would be a subtle form of lying. I had not
formally taken that precept but I was aware of the chain reaction and habit-
forming process these 'small things' could create and therefore wished to
avoid it.
Because of the deeper regard and respect for my parents, derived from the
meditations on that subject, I wished to share with them and the rest of my
greater family the new found path I was now embarking upon in life. I was,
however, somewhat apprehensive that they would not understand why I
would want to forsake the Christian religion for, of all things, Buddhism!
Their Christian conditioning coupled with their superficial and probably
distorted knowledge of Buddhism, would not make it easy for clear
communication. Added to this was the fact that much negative exposure of
Eastern as well as Western religious cults was in the media. A lot of tinted
publicity was being given to a few sensational groups: Hare Krishnas
soliciting at airports and dancing in the streets; Moonies with their eccentric
Guru; Jesus Freaks being accused of kidnapping and brainwashing
teenagers of middle-class families resulting in the deprogramming
controversy. Non-mainstream religions and offshoot cults such as these
were usually regarded with suspect and negativity by the majority of
conservative Americans. Taking all of this into account, I was in a
quandary as to how they would initially react if I told them outright that I
had been converted to being a Tibetan Mahayana Buddhist. It may surely
well have blown their minds, or at least caused them much confusion,
consternation and doubt. This I did not wish to do especially in light of the
already shocked state they were just recovering from with my fiascos in
Afghanistan. This again, could have very well been, "the straw that broke
the camel's back'.
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I decided to break the ice in a more roundabout and less drastic
manner. I merely mentioned in the letter that I enjoyed the meditation
course and it re-awakened my previous interest in meditation which they
were already aware of from my brief TM practice. I explained that for the
time being I would return to India to do some further meditation and study
of Eastern philosophy while visiting historical places of interest in that vast
ancient country. This, of course, was more or less true and it seemed to be a
toned down middle path explanation of my intents and purposes.
In conversations with some Westerners who had just arrived from
India I found out that S.N. Goenka was conducting a vipassana meditation
course in Bodhgaya at this very time. He would be conducting another
course in a town named, Prataphgarh, near Lucknow in the middle of
January, and I set my sights on attending. But first I would make a
pilgrimage to Bodhgaya. The day prior to leaving, I received a letter at the
Post Restante from Larry. He wrote that Barry was working at the new
family liquor store/delicatessen and the business was going well. He was
happy to be back in the good ole USA but was envious of me trekking in
Nepal and wandering around India. He was starting to deal in American
Indian turquoise jewelry and said he might try and work in a business trip
over to the East to score a quantity of precious stones. It seemed a bit
strange to me as I read about his worldly, materialistic ambitions as my own
life now seemed so increasingly distanced from those concerns. I wondered
if Larry would understand if I told him about my metamorphosis.
Having spent nearly three months in this alluring mountain Kingdom, I
was somewhat reluctant to leave. But I guess the purpose of coming or
having been led here in the first place had been served. One chapter in my
life seemed to have come to a close here and a new phase was opening up. I
reflected that life is merely a flow of events; each situation, person and
place we find ourselves confronted with or attracted to offers something to
learn and grow from, consciously or unconsciously. Each experience is a
temporary resting place, 'one night's shelter' for the ego/mind. When that
purpose is served we must not cling to it, but move on if appropriate, going
with the flow. Bearing this in mind I left Kathmandu the day after
Christmas to begin the next leg of this unpredictable, unfolding journey.
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The bus stopped at the halfway point on top of the mountain range
separating the Kathmandu valley from the terrain and plains of India. Here
at Daman, there is a rest area and a view point with a telescope. On a clear
day much of the Eastern Himalayan skyline with Mt. Everest can be seen in
the far distance. I was hoping to catch my first glimpse of Sargamartha, the
Nepali name for the world's highest mountain, but nature was not
cooperating. After crossing into India I stopped in the dusty town of Raxaul
for a supper of rice and curry, curd, chapattis and bananas. I then walked
out of town where I found a likely spot to sleep under a spreading pipal
tree. This is the same species under which Siddhartha Gautama had sat
when he attained Enlightenment at Bodhgaya. I spread out my makeshift
bedroll of army poncho, jalaba and blanket and sat down for a little
reflection. In spite of the fond memories of Nepal, it felt good to be back in
India. But this time I had a new feeling and motivation — I was on a
religious pilgrimage. With these thoughts and a very peaceful air, I radiated
white light to all beings before stretching out, happy as a lark.
I awoke with the chirping birds and crowing cocks at sunrise and sat for a
period of meditation followed by some yoga exercise underneath the
friendly atmosphere of the tree. After a breakfast of cold chapattis and
bananas saved from the previous evening, I continued down the road to find
a suitable place for hitchhiking. Shortly afterwards a lorry came along
which I flagged down in Indian fashion by waving one arm up and down.
The driver wanted me to sit up in the cab with him and his two companions.
This would have made it crowded in the smoke filled cab and I let him
know that I preferred to ride in the back. He pointed out that the back was
dirty without a clean suitable place to sit down. But I insisted, showing that
I would sit on my poncho to avoid getting dirty. Reluctantly he let me have
my way and I climbed into the back where a sooty canvass covered a bunch
of large sacks of cement. I tolerated the bumpy, dusty, three-hour ride into
Muzzaffapur and when he stopped in town the driver asked for no payment;
he even insisted that I drink a cup of tea with him and his partners which he
paid for. I was quite thirsty after the long ride and gratefully accepted his
friendly offer. Maybe because I was a foreigner alone in a big country like
India that he took pity on me. With more similar experiences I found out
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that this friendliness/hospitality to strangers stems from their ancient Hindu
culture which regards the guest as God. I thanked him for his kindness and
he pointed out the road towards Patna where I wanted to go.
It was still early in the afternoon and I casually began walking in the
warm sunshine down the tree lined country road. I eventually stopped at a
roadside village to drink another cup of sweet milk tea and munch on fresh
samosa. Samosa are pieces of boiled potato wrapped in dough and deep
fried in oil — the equivalent to the American French fries. I then tried
hitchhiking again standing at the end of the village. After about thirty
minutes without success a young man dressed in the traditional white dhoti
and long sleeved shirt approached and started conversing in good English.
He was the local homeopathic doctor and he had a clinic in a small room in
this village. He lived, however, in a larger village a few kilometers away
where he had his main clinic and he came here only a few days a week for
half a day. He was very amiable and invited me to his office to rest my feet.
Inside his humble clinic he bade me sit down on a wooden chair and he
sent an attendant boy to bring tea. In the meantime he offered me some
bananas and we talked more. He asked the usual questions, "How many
brothers and sisters do you have, and what is your mission?" This time I felt
I had a more definite purpose for my travels and I told him I was studying
Buddhism and on a pilgrimage to Bodhgaya. This delighted the educated
doctor who was a Hindu by birth but he had a great fondness for Lord
Buddha and his Dhamma teachings. He informed me that Hindus believe
Buddha was the ninth Avatar or incarnation of the God Vishnu. To them
Gautama Buddha was merely a reformer of Hinduism because he attacked
the corrupt practices of ritual animal sacrifices popular in those days and he
denounced the caste system. Hindus don't think the Buddha had any
superior philosophy or Truth to preach that wasn't already found in
Hinduism (in the Vedas or Upanishads). This was the first time I had heard
this Hindu belief and it did not strike me as being accurate in view of what I
had just learned. But I did not have sufficient knowledge, intellectual,
scriptural or experiential about this, so I did not offer any rebuttal or debate.
I found out later that the idea of the Buddha being an Avatar of Vishnu is
adamantly refuted and considered heresy by staunch orthodox Buddhists.
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The doctor invited me to go home with him and stay the night in his own
village. He informed me of a lesser known Buddhist pilgrimage spot,
Vaishali, which was only several more miles on the other side of his
village. If I wished he would take the following day off and escort me on a
guided tour of the ancient ruins. I thought this would be a good opportunity
to experience more of rural Indian life, learn some history and make it part
of my pilgrimage. He ordinarily rode a bicycle but now he pushed it
alongside as we walked and leisurely chatted. The country road meandered
through lush green checkerboard rice paddies and stands of sugar cane
gleaming in the bright setting sun. The water buffaloes and farmers
laboring out in the soggy fields made me reflect on the law of kamma and
rebirth, appreciating my "perfect human birth". Three of the good doctor's
friends came along on their bicycles and stopped to walk with us for
awhile. They were curious to find out who I was and then they took off
cycling ahead.
Upon arriving in the small, typically poor village, I immediately became
the center of mass attention. No doubt I was one of the first westerners who
had passed through here in a very long time. The doctor was busy telling
several people who I was and what my mission was. At least fifty people
came near to get in a good long stare at this red bearded sahib toting a
backpack. My host arranged for me to sleep in the privacy of his medical
clinic, a slightly bigger room than the other. Two wooden benches were put
together to suffice as a bed and I could use his table and chair for some
reading prior to sleeping. Surprisingly, this small rural village had
electricity. The doc went off to his own house across some rice paddies
somewhere and brought back food for me. At first I had told him not to
bother as I didn't care to eat that night, but he insisted. I did, however,
appreciate the chapattis and curried potatoes which he brought in a tiffin
container. Before sleeping I meditated on "All Mother Sentient Beings" and
finished by radiating extra white light to my kind host and the poor
villagers, wishing them the ability to reach Enlightenment.
In the morning the doctor brought me a breakfast of chapattis, dhal and a
cup of fresh warm buffalo milk. He also brought along the principal of the
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local college, as most secondary schools are called here, to meet me. He
would accompany us to Vaishali. The principal was also an ardent admirer
of Lord Buddha and he desired that I wait until the following day to deliver
a lecture on Buddhism to his students. This request sounded almost absurd.
For one thing, I did not have all that much confidence in my general
knowledge of Buddhist philosophy or its history in India. And I had not had
any previous experience in public speaking. Therefore, I had to politely
decline. Without actually lying, I explained that I must be moving on from
Vaishali that afternoon to Patna on my way to Bodhgaya. Little did I know
that some seven years later, I would return and competently deliver that
lecture as a Buddhist monk.
The ancient ruins at Vaishali are located outside of the town itself. As we
cycled through the large, spread out archeological area, my knowledgeable
guides described the various sites and inscriptions and their relationship to
Buddhist history. During the course of Gautama Buddha's forty- five years
of walking about teaching in this part of Northern India, he rested here
many times and preached Dhamma. A monastery was built for him and his
order of mendicant monks to reside in during their stay. All that remains
now of this 2,500 year old monastery complex is a slightly raised mound
with scattered depressions filled with broken bits of brick, indicating where
buildings once stood.
The three of us partook of the picnic lunch which the doctor had
thoughtfully brought along in the shade of the trees at the rest house. In the
mid-afternoon my kind, informative friends deposited me at the bus stand
in town where I waited for a bus to take me the remaining twenty miles to
Patna. I thanked them, especially the doctor, for all the warm generous
hospitality he showed to me since our meeting. I conveyed to them how it
was a unique opportunity for me, as a westerner, to gain first hand
experience of rural village life and glean odd bits of Indian history,
philosophy and beliefs. This experience helped me to see the value of
travelling in an unrestricted way. If I was with one or more companions,
going by long train rides, staying on the principal tourist routes and so
forth, I would have much less chance for such encounters with 'down home
folk'.
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The bus took me to Hajipur on the north bank of the great Ganges River
from where I took the ferry across to Patna, the capital of Bihar. The river
here is extremely wide and the ferry travels upstream a few miles taking
about an hour. Many Tibetan pilgrims with all their gear piled up were
sitting on the floor of the crowded boat. I found a convenient spot to sit
down near a large group of them. It was dark by the time we disembarked.
Most of the Tibetans piled into three-wheeled taxis and bicycle rickshaws
to whisk them away to the train station. After some moments of wondering
what to do, I decided to take a leisurely walk through the city to the train
station where I would perhaps sleep and take the morning train to Gaya. I
inquired from some educated-looking young men, the directions to the
railway station and started off walking.
At the railway station all the Tibetans from the boat along with hordes of
others were sprawled out all over the floor. They were grouped in their little
bands drinking buttered tea and cooking their dinner on kerosene stoves. As
I was scouting out a spot to lie down, some of the Tibetans who recognized
me, called me over to join them. I managed to squeeze out a space to spread
my bedroll beside them and drank a cup of butter tea which they happily
offered. I appreciated greatly their friendliness. Before lying down I
thought to sit and meditate, but then I reasoned that it would only attract
undue attention and noticed the ego involved, so I decided against it. It was
difficult to get comfortable on the hard cement floor of the crowded noisy
station and I laid awake rolling from side to side for some time. Early in the
morning, I literally had to battle my way into an unbelievably cram-packed
unreserved carriage for the four-hour trip to Gaya Junction. I was never so
happy to get out of any vehicle in my whole life. The auto rickshaws that
go out to Bodhgaya wait until they have as many passengers as can be
tightly squeezed inside and this is usually about ten. The distance is
approximately ten kilometers along a narrow road following near the course
of a wide river bed. I could get only few quick glimpses of the passing
landscape due to the limited visibility of riding in the covered back portion
of these three-wheeled contraptions.
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The small village and adjacent temple complex was a beehive of activity
with people coming and going. I sat in a tea shop near the entrance to the
sacred area to sip a cup of tea and snack on Indian sweets while watching
the busy scene. Rickshaw loads of Tibetans were arriving continuously.
They could be seen trudging up the road in their ragtag bands with all their
worldly possessions on their backs heading up to the Tibetan camp. Tourist
buses were visible everywhere and throngs of people paraded in and out of
the main temple complex. Beggars were plentiful and conspicuous doing a
brisk business exploiting the sympathy and compassion of the Buddhist
devotees. The Sri Maha Bodhi Temple, built in the seventh century A.D.
and standing about fifty meters high, towered in majestic silence above all
the hustle and bustle.
After sitting thusly for some time, I felt it would be appropriate to go
inside the temple and pay my respects to the Bodhi tree under which
Siddhartha sat when attaining Supreme Enlightenment. The temple and tree
are in the middle of a giant sunken compound enclosed by a wall and
railing reached by descending a flight of steps from the main entrance. At
the bottom of the steps hangs a huge iron bell which devotees ring for
different reasons. Ordinary persons ring it to indicate the number of times
they have visited here on pilgrimage. Bodhisattvas ring it three times to
wake up the sleep-like state of ignorance in all sentient beings. I rang it
three times keeping the latter idea in mind. Beyond is the entrance way
through tall wooden doors into the inner sanctum where sits a huge
impressive gilded Buddha statue. In front of the entrance many Tibetans
were absorbed in executing full length prostrations upon door size pieces of
wood while mumbling mantras. Hordes of people were circumambulating
the towering edifice in the mandatory clockwise direction. Tibetans were
conspicuous with the twirling of prayer wheels or counting repetitions of
OM MANI PADME HUM on their mala. Leaving my thongs aside but still
carrying my rucksack I joined the procession and slowly and thoughtfully
circled the temple three times.
The Bodhi Tree is situated at the backside of the temple enclosed by a
fence and festooned with many Buddhist flags. Within the enclosure
between the foot of the tree and the temple is a concrete block which is
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called the Vajrasana. It designates the exact spot where Siddhartha
Gautama had sat that fateful night. Most devotees stop here in front of the
holy tree to light a candle, a stick of incense or reverently bow with their
palms together. Some even bend over further to touch their head to the
railing or edge of the offering table which sits in front. After my
circumambulations, I left my pack in a corner and went inside the inner
sanctum to perform three prostrations in front of the Buddha image. It was
very crowded with others doing likewise and some sitting motionless on the
carpeted floor in silent meditation or chanting mantras. It was inspiring to
witness and participate in all this religious devotion concentrated in this one
area in and around the temple. There were, however, a few groups of casual
Indian tourists, presumably Hindus, who included Bodhgaya on their
holiday or religious tour itinerary. For the most part they walked around,
some of them anticlockwise, inconsiderately chattering and gawking at the
prostrating Tibetans and others seen meditating here and there. All together,
the whole scene was an odd assortment of people from almost everywhere,
including a number of westerners like myself.
Bodhgaya is important as it marks the spot or symbolizes the place where
the search for Truth or life's meaning is brought to its culmination, its
climax. It was here under the pipal tree that the former Prince Siddhartha
stopped wandering in his futile search through the lands to find Truth.
Under the Bodhi tree he made his last ditch effort. He resolved not to move
from his seat until by his own mental effort, digging deep within, he either
perished or attained Supreme Awakening. And on that auspicious full moon
night he did, in fact, surmount all the dark forces of ignorance and awoke
into unsurpassable, unquestionable, irreversible Enlightenment. That was
the night he stopped searching. He was now a Buddha, one who is
Supremely Awake.
All of our lives we go on and on trying to satisfy our dreams, desires, and
expectations. We change our friends, our lovers, our job, house, city, state,
and even country hoping to find that perfect life situation and happiness.
But the perfect situation, perfect contentment, fulfillment can never be
acquired by manipulating the external environment. Someday we will have
to stop and begin looking inside ourselves to realize the source of our
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dissatisfaction and at the same time the source of perfect contentment. This
is what Siddhartha did and this is the deeper significance of Bodhgaya,
meaning the site of Bodhi or Supreme Wisdom, Truth. We all have
Bodhgaya within ourselves as it was the site of Enlightenment which we
should really try and reach or uncover. This is the ultimate pilgrimage,
coming back home to the innate source of true freedom and lasting
happiness. These are some of the thoughts I ruminated on while spending
another hour or so sitting off to the side under one of the adjoining Bo-
trees.
I then took a walk to explore the greater Bodhgaya area which sports
many Buddhist Temples. Nearly every Buddhist country in the world has
built a temple and/or rest house within a half mile of the main complex.
These are intended primarily for the convenience of the tourist/pilgrims
from those respective countries. If there is extra room, however, especially
during the off season, then others are often permitted to stay for a short
time.
Back in the Tibetan Temple, the industrious, improvising Tibetans had set
up a sizeable tent city with makeshift hotels and restaurants made with big
roomy army-type tents and bricks. Adjacent to this tent city area was an old
walled-in cemetery where I saw a Tibetan man and two boys camping out
under some large trees. I thought this might be a swell place to make my
own temporary camp where I could practice my meditation and yoga
exercises amidst the graves. I was not sure of the local customs or rules
regarding sleeping in cemeteries, but I knew it was a recommended practice
by austere yogis to overcome the fear of death. So I climbed over the wall
and located a likely spot away from the few existing grave markers and
between some scrub bushes which afforded a bit of seclusion. Here, I
spread out my bedroll and sat down to rest and appreciate the quaint
surroundings removed from the hustle and bustle of the main tourist area. I
hoped I would not be thrown out or overrun by others with the same idea.
A week remained before the scheduled arrival of the Dalai Lama and it
was now two days prior to New Year. The temperature here on the plains of
North India was moderate with cool nights and pleasant mild days. My
jalaba proved ideal for wearing around especially at night when I sat for
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meditation. In the mornings I arose at dawn and did some yoga exercises
there on my bedroll either preceding or followed by a period of meditation.
Following this, I rolled up the bedroll and took my pack over to one of the
Tibetan restaurants where I had breakfast. This usually consisted of Tibetan
bread, a bowl of curd, bananas and tea. I arranged with the restaurant owner
to leave my pack there and then would stroll over to the Maha Bodhi
Temple. I carried my shoulder bag containing passport, TCs, loose cash,
folded blanket to sit on, and water bottle — everything I would need for the
whole day if needed. Once inside the Temple complex, I would ring the bell
three times and then proceed into the inner sanctum to offer my three
prostrations and sometimes sit quietly and meditate. Then, I would go
outside and circumambulate the Temple/Tree three or more times and often
sit directly under the sacred tree for awhile to meditate and try to feel the
holy vibrations.
Many of the other Western 'Dhamma bums' stayed at the Burmese Vihar
(rest house). There is a block of small individual cells which can be utilized
by persons wishing to undergo a self-retreat and there is a meditation room
upstairs. This is where U. N. Goenka had conducted the vipassana course I
had heard about. The course had ended only a week before. Several persons
who had participated were continuing their private practice. I heard about
an American guy from New York named Joseph. He had been practicing
vipassana meditation for several years and evidently had it down quite well.
He happened to be in Bodhgaya at this time and he gave a talk at the
Burmese Vihar one night. Being interested, I went along with quite a few
others to the upstairs meditation room where the talk was being held.
Joseph sat on the floor cross legged at the front while the rest of us
casually sat around. He was tall and lean with fairly short brown hair and he
sported a neatly trimmed beard. He spoke slowly and articulately on the
subject of mindfulness and insight awareness. He explained the need to
focus attention on the moment to moment movement of our body and the
activities of the mind in order to understand ourselves better. He described
how slowing down and observing the movements of the body in an
exaggerated slow motion can help us become aware of more detail, to
detect and understand the relationship of the body and mind. He
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demonstrated by slowly lifting his arm up and down, explaining that while
doing this we can observe how the body is totally dependent on the mind
for its ability to move. To lift or lower the arm only a few inches requires
many separate but interrelated mind/body commands and minute
movements. Tuning our awareness into this process allows us to eventually
directly perceive all the aspects of our body and mind. There is a special
form of sitting and walking meditation which helps to cultivate this moment
to moment detached observation. Joseph explained that the purpose of this
training was to give an intimate experience of the Buddha's fundamental
truths of impermanence, suffering and no-self. This helps one to understand
on a deeper level the significance of the Buddha's Four Noble Truths. And
if practiced enough, this sustained awareness would allow the mental space
and skill with which to overcome many of our negative habit patterns,
mental problems and self-imposed limitations, and could eventually bring
Enlightenment.
This talk aroused my interest in vipassana even more. This specific
method of mind training seemed to be a direct, less mystical and ritualistic
approach than the Tibetan practices for developing Wisdom. There was no
mention of various Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, no need for saving all
sentient beings nor repeating mantras or creating complex visualizations.
This was the Hinayana approach to one's own selfish liberation that I had
been warned of as being inferior. I wondered if there really was that much
difference between the two in terms of actual freedom from suffering and
compassion for others. I had been told that even Goenkaji recited a loving-
kindness radiation every night during his courses.
To make things a little more confusing there were also two kinds of
vipassana meditation techniques which people were learning. The method
Joseph described was somewhat different to the technique that Goenka
taught, with each affording a different angle of insight. As I was already
planning to attend Goenka' s course I figured to learn that technique first,
going slowly, one at a time. But for now I just continued doing the Tibetan
meditations from which I was still deriving inspiration and understanding.
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New Year's eve came and went without any great significance or
celebration. In India they go by the lunar calendar and celebrate the Hindu
New Year in April. There was, however, a little get together at the Japanese
Temple for gong ringing and a traditional snack of New Year's noodles
served at midnight. Everyone was welcome to attend this informal
gathering but I chose to listen to the one hundred and eight strikes of the
huge gong from my cozy secluded spot in the cemetery. I contemplated the
meaning of the New Year from my new perspective. I reflected on Samsara
and the perfect human rebirth, seeing the new year as a time to renew and
strengthen one's determination to perfect one's Dhamma practice. I recalled
the stupid foolish things I had done during the past year out of extreme
ignorance and resolved to try harder to avoid such negative actions in the
future by developing more awareness/wisdom.
By this time Lama Yeshe and Lama Zopa had arrived along with their
entourage of Western disciples. They set up a camp of two tents in one
corner of the Birla Dharmsala compound. Hundreds of Tibetan mountain
people from Nepal, Sikkhim and Bhutan were arriving each day and the
tent city was growing by leaps and bounds. A second tent city was arising
on another vacant tract of land near the museum. The religious fervor was
increasing in intensity and preparations to hold the mass Kalachakra
initiation were underway. It would be held outside in a large open area in
front of the Tibetan Rest house and a special stage for His Holiness was
being erected. Every afternoon about 5 o'clock Tibetan monks, numbering
over a hundred, would assemble under the Bodhi Tree to perform a mass
puja with all their instruments and paraphernalia. Hundreds of small loaves
of bread were stacked on an offering table and given away afterwards to the
monks and participants. Just before dark hundreds of small oil lamps were
lit and set up in a large square area where attendants continuously watched
over and refilled them when needed. Other pilgrims brought their own
candles and incense and placed them all around the entire temple
compound. Seen from a raised vantage point it was a very impressive
spectacle with literally thousands of flickering lights and the thick aroma of
burning incense. Many hundreds of devotees circumambulated on the three
different pathways which go around the square. Tibetan monks, nuns and
laypeople were fervently executing the prostrations hour after hour. Several
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really energetic Tibetans, both men and women, even prostrated themselves
around the compound laying their body flat out on the ground with arms
stretched beyond their head. When standing up they moved the feet to
where the hands had been and then prostrated another full body and arms
length. They repeated the entire process over and over while chanting a
mantra and slowly but surely made a complete circuit around the temple on
one of the pathways. Being so absorbed they even went right through mud
and dirt. The purpose behind this austere practice was to humble their ego
and purify the negative mind. It was quite inspiring to see all this overt
religious devotion, though my own personal feelings were expressed in a
slightly less dramatic and less conspicuous way. Every night I went over to
the temple for a few hours to participate in and imbibe the atmosphere.
Because of so many pilgrims converging on Bodhgaya at this time it was
inevitable that more people would take up abode in the cemetery. By now
all the rest houses, including the Burmese Vihar, were totally filled up to
the max. There was a subtle tendency in me to regard the cemetery as 'my
domain' and I felt a sense of being intruded upon when newcomers came to
size up the place. I recognized this as an activity of the self-cherishing mind
and to counter it I deliberately encouraged a couple of other Westerners
who were surveying it to stay here. They appreciated the suggestion.
During this peak tourist season beggars from the surrounding towns and
cities make their own pilgrimage here. But their motive is not so much
devotion to the Buddha as it is to make some fast easy money. One of the
principal virtues in Buddhism is charity and the legitimate disabled beggars
as well as the poor villagers capitalize on this by putting on their best act in
front of the pious devotees. They line up outside of the main temple
entrance wearing their most ragged clothes (perhaps their only clothes)
looking as destitute and helpless as possible holding a tin plate or cup.
Enterprising Indians have found self-employment as money-changers by
setting up booths. For a slight commission they change one, five, or ten
rupee notes into five, ten or twenty-five paise coins for the tourists who
want to feel like big spenders. For one rupee (ten U.S. cents in 1974) one
could give ten paise to ten persons or five paise to twenty persons and feel
quite satisfied.
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Other more independent and destitute cripples and lepers lurk around the
teashops/restaurants, souvenir stands, and rest houses. They approach while
you are sitting at a table eating or drinking or buying something. This
makes you feel more guilty if you do not give something because they have
caught you red-handed stuffing your face or shopping bag. If you don't give
something right away they keep on standing there waving or banging their
tin cup or will even follow you around pleading mercilessly. It can get real
nerve-wracking. It is a good opportunity to observe your reactions, to see
the attachment, aversion or resistance to give. You know that what you've
spent on yourself is ten times or a hundred times more than this unfortunate
person has, and to give twenty-five or fifty paise is really nothing for the
average tourist. But to watch the struggle go on in your head can get
ludicrous at times. Sometimes you find yourself giving something not out
of genuine compassion or generosity, but just to get rid of the miserable
wretch. The real insult or heartbreaker comes when after you do give
something, they say it's not enough and demand more.
It was good for me to experience these situations and observe these
reactions in my own mind. Sometimes I would try and judge the person, if
they really were in desperate straits and deserved it and hesitating as to how
much to give. At times I saw my stinginess and self-centeredness thinking
of what I could buy for myself with the money not given. Sometimes I
justified not giving by reasoning that it would only make them more
dependent on tourists. That may be true, but some of them genuinely have
no other recourse and would probably perish without this scanty income. I
usually felt more inclined to buy the person something nutritious to eat or
drink rather than simply give money. Occasionally I saw beggars using the
money to buy beedies or cigarettes and this really irked me. Situations like
these help bring up to the surface aspects of the mind which ordinarily we
don't have to confront so abruptly or honestly. And sometimes it can be
unpleasant to acknowledge or accept. When negative thoughts are not seen
as negative, then no guilt or tension arises and we simply habitually react
without heed for the long range consequences. But when one comes to
know negative unskillful thoughts as being such and one begins to
consciously deal with them, then the big battle starts. This is the inner
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struggle to discriminate between right and wrong, wholesome and
unwholesome thoughts and actions in the light of the law of kamma. It is
the beginning of conscious mental purification or the spiritual path, from
the Buddhist point of view. This is the time when many seekers hold back
from getting to deep into meditation. The mind is very clever at making up
well meaning excuses to cover up the unwillingness to change.
On the fifth of January the Dalai Lama arrived with much fanfare, and
two days later the Kalachakra ceremony began. The program started with
several talks by his Holiness mostly during the first two days. Not being
able to understand while he was speaking made it rather boring for me as
the talks were generally quite long. Fortunately, however, the stage was in
front of the cemetery and I had a clear view of the proceedings sitting on
my bedroll. In this way I could lie down and relax whenever I got tired of
sitting and more or less ignore the whole thing. We were informed when
the most important parts, the actual initiation ritual and power transference
from the Dalai Lama was about to begin. During this crucial time our mind
had to be very concentrated and receptive, tuned in to what he was
chanting. A special mantra was given to us on paper which we were
supposed to recite at the same time. This invests the power of the mantra to
the aspiring Bodhisattva which will be his or her secret weapon to combat
the evil forces in the unconscious mind and external world. I did not
necessarily believe in all this but I went along with it anyway and did feel
exhilarated for a short while afterwards.
A couple of days were reserved after the ceremony for individual
blessings by the Dalai Lama. A long line of people, comprised mostly of
Tibetans, stretched for almost a kilometer from where His Holiness was
seated on his throne inside the Gompa. The line moved at a snail's pace and
it meant a few hours wait standing in the warm sun. I also wanted to go and
receive his blessings but decided to wait until the line went down on the
following day. By the afternoon of the second day, the end of the line was
at the gate of the rest house and reduced to only a ten minute wait and I
took my place to receive the hallowed blessings. Each person was
marshaled quickly in front of the shoulder high throne upon which His
Holiness sat, to offer the traditional white scarf and respectfully bow. He
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would sometimes touch the devotee's head or say something if he deemed
it fitting, then moved to the next. When I came in front, I offered my white
scarf and reverently bowed my head with palms together. I was hoping he
would touch my head, thinking that I might feel something like an electric
current passing from him to me. He did touch my head but I didn't feel
anything noticeably out of the ordinary. I did, however, feel satisfied that I
had fulfilled what I had considered an inner obligation.
I now started thinking about what I would do after the Goenka course
which was only ten days in duration. One of my original fantasies of living
naked on the beach in Goa began to come back into the forefront of
possibilities. This had been a prime motivation for my coming to India in
the first place. With all the initial emotion and preoccupation of becoming a
Buddhist in Nepal and coming to Bodhgaya, the idea had all but faded into
the background. As there seemed to be a lull coming up in terms of definite
plans, the idea of Goa became appealing. It could be a suitable place to live
simply in a thatched hut on the beach and practice my meditation and yoga.
I had qualms, however, as to whether this would be compatible with
Dhamma practice. I wondered if it might be enjoying myself too much and
increasing sensuality. I also knew that a plethora of drugs was readily
available there which could be a strong temptation. But if I could resist all
the sensual lures it would show the strength of my practice.
There was also other influencing factors for heading south to make the
stopover in Goa feasible. I had heard that there were a couple of vipassana
meditation centers in Ceylon where conditions were favorable for intensive
practice. One of the centers was reported to have a good teacher who spoke
English. The technique taught was the same as what Joseph had described
in his talk that night. It was also supposed to be relatively easy to obtain a
visa for six months, especially if one intended to study Buddhism. The
Ceylonese or Sinhalese people were predominantly Buddhist and the
government was supportive of foreigners in this respect. And it would be
very cheap to live there pursuing these endeavors. When my Indian visa
would expire at the end of March, I obviously had to go somewhere. This
seemed to be the most viable alternative, a natural next step. Also the
Ajanta caves which I had heard a lot about were situated on the way south
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towards Bombay which I was interested to see. So this was the temporary
plan formulating in my mind. However, all of this would depend on the
outcome of my experience at the Goenka course, if indeed I was even
accepted. When I had first arrived in Bodhgaya, on visiting the Burmese
Vihar, I was told that it was necessary to send in a postcard as a advanced
registration for the upcoming Goenka course in Pratapgarh. Rumor had it
that the course might already be booked full with a limit of seventy persons.
So I had immediately sent in a postcard but had received no confirmation as
yet. Several others were in the same unsure predicament but we planned to
proceed to Pratapgarh anyway on faith that we made the list or in hopes of
some last minute cancellations.
Before departing Bodhgaya, I paid my last respects at the Bodhi Tree
with some prostrations and meditation in the inner sanctum. This was to
reinforce in my subconscious the motivation to carry 'Bodhgaya' with me
wherever I went. I knew, I would return someday. Despite the large crowds
and busy commercial like atmosphere in the streets, a certain underlying
peace and charm pervades this special spot. When I first had come into
town in the back of that auto rickshaw, I did not get a proper orientation or
mental preparation for the arrival. Speeding in so quickly and blindly, I was
not able to create the reverential attitude which befits a pilgrimage. Sol
decided to depart in a more peaceable manner by walking the ten
kilometers or so back to Gaya. It was a very pleasant stroll in the cool
morning air alongside the bank of the now dry river. I was able to get a nice
feeling of the rural countryside and tried to imagine how it must have been
during the time of the Buddha, 2,500 years prior.
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CHAPTER fO
ANICCA. ANICCA. ANICCA
The way to Pratapgarh took me back through Benares where I arrived in
the evening. Considering myself a Buddhist pilgrim, I felt it appropriate to
stay at yet another Burmese Vihar in Benares situated conveniently near the
train station. There were still three days before the course started so I
remained to once again to absorb the unique religious atmosphere this
ancient holy city exudes, especially evident down by the bathing ghats. I
went again to the burning ghat to contemplate the inevitable reality of death
with my new Buddhist perspective, which made it more interesting. One
afternoon, I took one of the row boat ferries across the wide river to the
great sand bar. Here it was practically deserted expect for some washer men
and women doing heaps of laundry and laying them out in the hot sun to
dry. I washed my own soiled clothes and had a soak here where the water
was considerably cleaner than on the busy city side. Bathing in the Ganges
is said to purify one's past sins or negative kamma. However, this was not
my motive nor was I going to count on it.
On the last day, I made another excursion the few miles out to Sarnath but
this time with more understanding and devotion than on the first visit. The
main temple was open and I went inside and examined the wall murals
depicting the important events from the life of Prince Siddhartha and later
as the Buddha. These helped me get a closer, warmer feeling for the
Buddha as a real person, identifying with his human emotions and struggle
to achieve human perfection.
Two Buddhist monks from Ceylon (Sri Lanka) were in charge of the
temple. I talked with one of the monks who spoke good English and told
him of my plan to visit his country to further my studies in Buddhism and
especially meditation. He was quite friendly and we chatted awhile and he
encouraged me to do just that. He gave me the names of a couple of big
temples I should visit. One of them, he said, housed the actual eye tooth of
the deceased Buddha and suggested I go there to pay my respects to that
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holy relic. Before leaving I bought a few booklets on different topics of
Theravada philosophy which were displayed and for sale in one corner. I
figured I would save these for reading on the long train or bus rides ahead.
Back at the Vihar that evening, I met a few others who were going to
Pratapgarh on the night train. One of these persons was, Stephen, the
German who I had met in Athens and who had informed me about Gail on
Gomera. He had also come overland to India and had gone trekking in
Nepal. He had also had just taken the previous Goenka course at Bodhgaya
and as were many others, he was planning to take his second consecutive
vipassana course. He had registered early and therefore already had his
confirmation notice. But he had begun to not feel too well and was not sure
if he would be able to physically manage all the rigorous sitting the course
entailed.
The course was to begin the following afternoon. It was rumored that the
course was way overbooked and that late registrants, most probably, would
be turned away. I kept my fingers crossed. Scattered through the train that
night there were many small groups of westerners headed for the same
destination and purpose as I. The course was being held at a newly built
meditation center on the outskirts of this typical dusty Indian town, across a
river spanned by a bridge. Upon arrival we joined the long lineup for final
registration — paying the fifteen dollar fee, assigned a sleeping space and
in some cases, finding out if we were even accepted. I soon discovered that
my name was number two on the waiting list of about ten persons. I was
told to hang loose as there was a good possibility of several unexpected
cancellations. I was heartened at this news and laid back on a pile of
discarded straw to anxiously wait. Sure enough, after about an hour, I heard
my name called out in confirmation of a space.
At the registration table I saw Stephen again. He informed me that he had
just cancelled his place in the retreat. He was feeling weaker and speculated
that he might be coming down with hepatitis and thought it better not to
even start the course. This would allow for one more person on the waiting
list. He said he would go back to Banares and wait there to get better. I
could definitely relate to this logic and wished him a speedy recovery. I
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then went to my assigned tent and spread out my bedroll on the thick carpet
of straw reminiscent of Kopan and stretched out. I speculated whether it
was Stephen's exact cancellation which had rescued my name from the
waiting list. I felt sorry for him, but I also knew that such was the
mysterious law of kamma.
This was the first time that a meditation course was being staged at this
new retreat facility and the buildings were not fully completed. There were
twenty individual 4' by 8' cells on two sides of a long building which were
usable and several large army tents were set up as at Kopan to house the
remaining participants. The group meditation hall was a big brick structure
yet unfinished, but would be used anyway. A padding of thick straw
covered the dirt floor and interspersed bamboo poles helped to hold up the
cross beams of the ceiling. Altogether there were ten men assigned to the
tent I was in.
A bell was rung to call everyone into the meditation hall for the official
start of the course. We had to bring our own pillows or padding to serve as
our sitting cushion over the covering of straw. The men and women were
separated on different sides of the rectangular room. This segregation of the
sexes was to help minimize the possibility of lustful thoughts arising. If one
had strong sexual inclination and was sitting next to the opposite sex it
could be the impetus for unnecessary distracting thoughts and fantasies.
Although this was not done at Kopan, I could very well understand the
sense to this.
We all sat facing one end of the empty bleak room where the raised
teacher's platform was and waited silently in expectation for the entrance of
our teacher, Sri U. N. Goenka. He entered shortly followed by his sari-clad
wife and they both took their seats side by side on the dais facing us. I was
a little surprised to see his wife there beside him; perhaps it was to show
that meditation does not mean abandoning one's family or forsaking the
world as it is sometimes misconstrued. He was short and plump with thin
graying hair neatly combed and clean shaven. He wore an ankle length
sarong, the common traditional dress of Burma and other Asian countries.
This is a modified, more dignified version of the white dhoti worn by
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Indians. Overall, Goenka presented a very neat, well groomed, cultured
appearance. Somehow it struck me funny that this unassuming, cherubic
man would be the guru of thousands of people.
Goenkaji began by explaining in brief the need to take the Three Refuges
and five precepts as a means for surrendering the ego and making the mind
non-aggressive and receptive for the teachings. We actually recited the
traditional formula in Pali used by the Theravada Buddhists, repeating it
three times after him. This was quite different from the way we did it at
Kopan. He then explained the rules to be followed during the retreat. Strict
silence was to be observed among the student meditators — again, to help
keep the mind more concentrated and focused inside. We were not to
practice any other type of meditation or even yoga exercises which we may
have learned and currently be practicing. I had heard of this rule from
former students at Bodhgaya, so I was prepared for it. I could see the logic
behind not mixing other meditation techniques, but I couldn't understand
why doing a little exercise would hurt. The teacher said it would create
unnecessary, extra distraction and dissipate our hoped for one-pointed
concentration. It was interesting to see in my mind the initial resistance
thrown up to this request which contradicted my opinion, but I reluctantly
took his word for it. A light evening snack of milk and a piece of fruit
would be served in place of a meal. This, of course, I was used to and
enjoyed from the second two weeks at Kopan where we ate nothing at all
after noon.
He went on to describe how the ten-day period would be divided into two
phases. There would be an initial three days to develop one-pointed
concentration and the remaining seven days for cultivating vipassana
insight awareness. Vipassana means seeing the true or elemental nature of
the body and mind and the whole material world, perceiving it as it really
is, not just the way we have been taught and habitually construe it or wish it
to be. This clear, penetrative seeing requires a concentrated, calm
awareness which is able to detect what occurs in the body and mind from
moment to moment in a sustained way. The technique we would be using to
develop this concentration is termed Anapanasati. This is a Pali word which
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refers to feeling the flow of air as it passes in and out at the tip of the
nostrils. We would be starting this practice that very evening itself.
After this introduction which took about an hour, there was the break for
the evening milk and fruit. We then came back inside the hall for the first
one hour meditation period to practice the anapanasati breathing for which
we were given brief instructions. We should try and sit in a comfortable
cross-legged position keeping the back straight and head level, with the
hands one on top of the other resting in the lap. The attention was to be
placed at the tip just inside the opening of the nostrils trying to feel any
sensation that might arise there. It could be the warmth of air as it touches
the inside of the nostrils or perhaps on the upper lip, or little pin pricks or
itching sensation in or around that limited area. We were not supposed to
think about, interpret or react to them in any way, but to just observe or feel
as each sensation arises and passes away, comes and goes. Each time the
mind got lost in daydreaming or became upset by body aches or other
distractions we were to simply bring the awareness back to the tip of the
nostrils and start observing again. For the beginners he said, this would
probably happen many times over in the course of the one hour, but that we
should not become frustrated or discouraged. With practice, the mind
would gradually settle down and relax and the ability to remain focused at
the tip of the nose would increase.
I was accustomed to sitting for an hour with out much problem doing the
Tibetan meditations which utilized thinking and visualization. But now, I
was not supposed to deliberately think at all but merely listen or feel
attentively. The habit tendency to start thinking was still present and I
found myself inadvertently caught up in irrelevant trains of thought. That
first hour I must have only spent a total of five minutes, fifteen or thirty
seconds here and there actually concentrated at the tip of my nose. Every so
often Goenkaji verbally reminded us to bring the attention back to the
nostrils. This was very helpful; otherwise, I may have stayed lost in
thoughts altogether.
As the hour progressed, I heard quite a few people squirming around,
adjusting their legs due to pain. I also felt some physical discomfort and
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shifted my legs slightly, but not as to be audible to others. A little bell was
rung to signify the end of the hour and everyone chanted in unison, "Sadhu,
Sadhu, Sadhu," in a long drawn out tone. Sadhu is a popular expression in
Burma and Sri Lanka amongst Buddhists and it implies that something is
auspicious or 'it is well and good'. This was the standard way we would
close each group meditation period.
Before concluding the evening program, Goenkaji chanted a few Pali
stanzas and recited his own version of loving-kindness or "Metta"
meditation. While we were still seated in that quiet meditative mood, in a
very melodious and emotional tone he wished, "May all beings be free from
anger, ill-will, animosity, pride and conceit; may all beings be well, safe,
and happy." The sincerity and gentle manner in which he spoke had a
balming effect on our sensitive minds. Any resentment or ill feelings we
may have had towards anybody was greatly weakened or eliminated by this
genuine, moving plea for universal friendliness and love. This state of mind
is termed 'Metta' in Pali and this is a popular form of meditation in
Theravada Buddhist countries. The teacher would conclude each night in
this manner. We were to just stay open and receive it and if possible send
the same thought/feelings back out. I found many similarities in this to the
Bodhisattva compassion practice.
In the course of the next two days, the ability to keep my attention around
the tip of the nose gradually improved. The longer I could sustain it, the
frequency of wandering thoughts became less and less and my body and
mind became more deeply relaxed. The rate of breathing also slowed down
considerably and it became difficult to feel the faint touch of air as it passed
in and out. During these moments of deep tranquility my whole body /mind
system felt very light and airy. Everything seemed trouble free and perfect.
Sometimes strong rushes of warm energy would spread through me like
ocean waves breaking gently on the shore. Occasionally a pin prick of light
like a star in the dark sky or a firefly in the night would appear behind the
closed eyes. At other times a faint dull glow of light appeared inside my
head. All these experiences lasted only a few seconds or so, repeating
sporadically over the last half hour of the sitting period.
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In the group interview, I questioned the teacher about these experiences.
He explained that these phenomena were merely signs that a moderate
degree of concentration and mental calm had been achieved. Others in the
group reported having similar and even more fantastic phenomena occur in
them. He cautioned all of us against giving any importance to or
preoccupying ourselves with these things, as they would only present
another distraction and be an obstacle in our meditation progress.
On those first nights, Goenkaji gave us a talk on different aspects of the
Buddha's teachings concerning mental development from the Theravada
standpoint. He elaborated on the need for observing the five precepts and
how a moral life fits in with the whole practice of meditation and in daily
life in general. He emphasized the need for having a firm faith and
confidence in the Three Refuges to keep our life on the straight Dharma
path.
He spoke about the difference between the Buddha's teachings and other
theistic religions, stressing that the Four Noble Truths were based upon
direct insight into the deepest reaches of the mind and reality. Buddhism is
not future oriented, seeking happiness in a distant or future world, but is
concerned with creating or realizing heaven on earth or perfect
contentment, fulfillment, and happiness here and now. The body and mind
can be our personal, portable laboratory and test tube in which we conduct
our own investigation into the true nature of ourselves. The two mental
tools used for this are concentration or mental calmness (samatha) and
detached awareness which clearly comprehends what is occurring
(vipassana). Concentration is like adjusting the lens of a microscope to
focus in clearly on the specimen to be examined. Awareness is like the eye
of the scientist that then observes and investigates the hitherto hidden
elements and movements comprising the specimen which results in full
comprehension. This is more or less how the Buddha arrived at his
profound insight into the nature of the body and mind, finally realizing the
ultimate reality of existence itself.
On the afternoon of the third day we switched to vipassana and Goenkaji
guided us through the body just as it was described to me by Jim at
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Tatopani. We began by placing attention at the crown of the head focusing
on a spot the size of a quarter (US 25 cent piece). Awareness was kept here
for a few minutes to detect any sensations that might arise. Whether we had
felt anything or not, he then had us shift awareness down to the right ear
and concentrate there likewise for a few minutes. He verbally guided us in
this manner, using a calm, almost hypnotic, tone to the left ear, the nose,
eyes, mouth, chin, neck, back of the head, shoulders and down each arm
separately to the fingertips. Then it went from the chest to the stomach, hips
and into each leg to the toes, all the while trying to feel any sensation
whatsoever that might be arising in each area. The whole process took
about one hour.
With him talking to us through step by step it was fairly easy to follow
because his voice constantly reminded us to come back to the current spot,
even if just briefly. I found my mind trying its best to dart off in between.
Goenkaji guided us this way for the next few group sittings until we got the
hang of it and could remember the procedure ourselves.
Once the ability to feel sensations became steady and keen we were
instructed to begin moving the awareness in a more general way which he
called, "sweeping". This is done by starting at the top of the head and
literally sweeping awareness steadily down through the entire body without
stopping at any particular spot. Having arrived at the toes, awareness is
immediately returned to the top of the head and the process repeated. When
proficiency is gained you can sweep from the toes back up through the
body to the top of the head and back down to the toes again, repeating this
over and over and over. After sweeping for awhile, it can be left off to
simply observe and intimately feel the whole body as just a mass of
changing sensations in a more general way.
In one of the nightly Dhamma talks, Goenkaji elaborated on the concept
of Anicca. Anicca refers to the process of incessant change or flux that all
material and mental phenomena undergo. All matter including the physical
body is made up of the four primary elements of Earth, Water, Fire, and
Air. These combine in various proportions and densities to produce the
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are continuously undergoing modification and change or cellular birth and
death. It is the contact, movement and interaction with each other which
produces the physical sensations and feelings that we experience.
With this concentrated vipassana awareness, we tune inwards to the
cellular, even atomic, level of activity in our own body. By doing this, the
reality of impermanence is driven home and has a deeper impact on us. We
begin to see the body and all objects in the physical world as being merely
an organized heap of four impersonal elements. The idea is to cultivate a
detached, on-looking awareness to this process of change and allow all the
sensations, whether painful or pleasant, to arise and pass away without
trying to interfere. We should not even cling to the pleasant feelings as
these also are fleeting. Clinging, trying to hold onto them, only breeds
confusion, frustration, suffering, grief and despair of all kinds and
intensities. Everything that arises must also of necessity pass away, this is
the natural law. Real mental peace and contentment comes when the mind
releases its passionate attachment, identification and dependence on this
unstable, uncontrollable flow of impermanence.
In addition to realizing the impermanent nature of the body, this
awareness allows us to understand the unstable impermanence of the mind
as well. While sweeping, the inevitable arising of random thoughts,
feelings, emotions, and habit reactions can be seen occurring primarily by
themselves without our conscious willing or power to prevent. Thus, we
begin to view life in a different perspective, more attuned to the law of
nature in and around us. This allows for more detachment, creating the
mental space and wisdom which reduces the frustration and sorrow we
would otherwise bring upon ourselves in daily life. During the group
sittings our compassionate teacher would occasionally inject the words,
Anicca, Anicca, Anicca — just in case we were daydreaming or had
forgotten. At the close of the sitting he would often chant a poetic stanza in
Pali expressing words of wisdom to the effect, "All conditioned things are
impermanent; when one sees this with the eye of wisdom, this is the way to
purity."
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As I went on practicing this sweeping, my body became more relaxed and
the mind increasingly more concentrated. I began to experience many kinds
and levels of sensations. It was like discovering and exploring a whole
separate reality within the body and was fascinating to observe. I felt many
pleasant enjoyable feelings and also many uncomfortable, downright
painful ones. The painful sensations came mostly from the joints in my
hips, knees, ankles, and spinal vertebrae due to the long and frequent
sittings. When doing the Tibetan mediations my mind had been so absorbed
in thinking that the pain went largely unnoticed as we were ignoring the
body. Or, I would simply relieve discomfort by adjusting the posture more
or less automatically with little consciousness of it. But now, where the
objective was to deliberately feel the body with all of its sensations, the
pain became much more obvious and prominent; it was not so easy to brush
aside, ignore or forget. I found my mind putting up resistance and an
increasing struggle against it.
Upon awakening at 5 A.M. we were instructed to sit on our sleeping place
and practice this sweeping awareness on our own for an hour or more until
breakfast. At night before sleeping we were advised to lay down flat on the
back and sweep from head to foot to head. Sweeping the body while
stretched out straight set up a soothing current throughout the body /mind
system which was supposed to effect a cleansing process, something like
sweeping dirt out the door. This would help put us peacefully asleep, and it
did have that affect on me. Goenkaji claimed that this technique was
responsible for curing certain body illnesses in himself, specifically
migraine headaches. Other persons have attributed the remission of tumors
and the reduction of high blood pressure to a daily practice of 'sweeping'.
At about this time, as if by coincidence, Goenkaji introduced the 'resolve
sitting'. This was a selected period during which we were to make a vow or
determined resolve to ourselves not to move, to keep the body as perfectly
still as possible. He explained that deliberately making special effort not to
move any part of the body for the whole hour would eventually strengthen
our concentration and deepen the awareness. The pain would no doubt get
more intense as we forced ourselves not to give in and relieve it, but in the
long run it would yield a greater mental strength. If the conscious vow is
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not taken, at least by beginners, the awareness and fortitude would not be
strong enough to combat or overcome the habitual tendency to 'get rid of
the pain'. It was also a good powerful way to gain deep insight into the
ultimate nature of painful feelings. I found this discipline very helpful and
insightful. These vow periods made me confront pain more directly,
knowing it was a matter of just suffering with it, or finding an effective,
skilful means to deal with it. As instructed, I started diligently viewing and
regarding the body as merely an impersonal conglomeration of the four
elements while observing the sensations come and go. By doing this, my
tolerance to the discomfort and pain gradually increased and a certain
'mental space' emerged. In this mental space, I was able to observe more
clearly the body /mind relationship in regards to pain. As long as we go on
identifying the body as T, 'me', or 'mine', the mind will tend to habitually
and spontaneously react to the feelings and stimulations arising. Through
conditioning, the mind has labeled some sensations as pleasant and some
unpleasant, and it reacts with attraction or aversion respectively.
The more I kept an objective distance to the four-element body with its
internal sensations, the connection between the body and mind was
weakened or partially disconnected. With this, I began to experience a
definite relief from the discomfort and pain I had been subject to. The
sensations and feelings were still arising and passing away but in the
background of detached awareness where they had less intensity. I no
longer fretted or paid them so much personal attention and was able to sit
for the entire hour quite comfortably without deliberately moving. I could
appreciate and enjoy the occasional reminder, Anicca, Anicca, Anicca. This
helped me realize that reactions and concepts of pain and also of pleasure
are, for the most part, in, by, and for the mind. It illustrated how each
person creates his or her own personal heaven or hell right here on earth.
With these insights, I was starting to get closer to the real nitty gritty, gut
level, practical meditation, I felt, I had been looking for. This gave rise to
periodic feelings of inner joy, which in turn increased my motivation. I
vowed to make every sitting a 'vow period'. I became more emotionally
moved by the tear jerking metta our compassionate Guruji radiated each
night.
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After the normal one hour sitting period we could continue sitting through
the break time if we wanted. On many occasions I did remain sitting in my
own extra resolve period. I wanted to see how long I could endure the
sometimes burning, grueling pain in the knees and back which invariably
arose after forty-five minutes or an hour. Others did the same, voluntarily
extending their motionless sitting beyond the one hour. Again, I could see
my ego at work trying to make a competition out of it, who could sit the
longest. While rigorously sitting like this, one by one, I could hear others
giving up, abandoning their self-imposed misery and leaving the hall. I
detected my subtle ego again playing 'king of the cushion', attempting to
outsit at least one more person. Even though this was perhaps a negative
motivation, it did encourage me to stretch out the time a little longer —
anything helped. I tried to endure as long as was humanly possible but
when I could just not take the tortuous pain any longer, I too 'bailed out'
and went outside for some fresh air.
On one occasion, I had some kind of breakthrough. I had been sitting for
almost two hours with concentration and detached awareness quite strong,
watching it all go by in a general way. There was intense pain but I was
calmly holding it at bay. All of a sudden my awareness broke through the
pain barrier into a light airy silence. The feeling of the body was almost
non-existent, including the sensations which were coming and going. I felt
like I was suspended in mid-air and weightless. A soft luminous glow filled
my head, though there were no distinct boundaries of head or body. I could
not even deliberately move or think, but remained silently, wondrously
aware, though there was not much to be aware.
All along, I continued to have a case of loose bowels, a residue from the
original disorder in Afghanistan, but I was able to control it most of the
time. Now for some reason, in the last few days of the course I began to
feel the familiar stomach uneasiness return. This caused me slight
apprehension, thinking it might get worse or disrupt my meditation. The
toilet facilities here left a lot to be desired, having been erected hastily for
the retreat. There were not an adequate number of stalls for the amount of
people. During the rush hour in the early morning and during the breaks,
two or three persons were often lined up waiting at each of the three stalls.
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Fortunately, my tent was situated nearby the latrines. One morning as I got
up with the morning bell, I felt the danger signals which warned me of
imminent bowel release. Grabbing my towel, I rushed in the predawn
darkness to the latrines only to find, much to my chagrin, people already
waiting.
There was no time to lose. I desperately looked around and spied a likely
spot behind a small bush in the cover of darkness behind my tent. Without
thinking twice, I hurried as inconspicuously as possible but before I reached
the bush it happened. I was horrified to say the least and my white cotton
pants were soiled beyond further immediate use. I didn't even want to keep
them to wash later. So after wiping myself relatively clean with the
unsoiled part, I buried the pants in the soft dirt behind the bush.
Now I was naked except for the shirt I was wearing and the towel I had
luckily carried with me. Fortunately I was near the tent. I wrapped the towel
around my waist and crossed the fingers, hoping that my tent-mates would
still be asleep or that none had, heard, seen, or smelled anything. Cautiously
and disconcertingly, I sneaked back into the tent and to my consolation
found the others either still sleeping or out of the tent. I quickly snatched
my jalaba to put on and then went to the wash area to discreetly clean more
thoroughly. I then returned and sat down on my bed with the others to
meditate. Needless to say, I could not concentrate on sweeping at all. I
continually worried that the smell from the buried pants might escape and
drift over to the tent or that the dogs might pick up the scent and go dig it
up. But neither of these two concerns came to pass. Luckily I had another
pair of cotton pants because the daytime was too warm to always wear the
jalaba.
All morning I could not concentrate very well, reflecting often on what
happened, and I remained slightly embarrassed and self-conscious. At times
though, the whole incident appeared humorous and I couldn't help but
laugh at myself while I re-created the episode in my mind. I seriously
hoped that it would not repeat itself, which it did not. But I did have to cut
one of my extra vow periods short, to make a beeline to the John to take
care of urgent business.
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In one of the later Dhamma talks, Goenkaji spoke about the Noble
Eightfold Path, the fourth of the Four Noble Truths. This is the Buddha's
prescription of skilful thinking and meditating which enables a person to
experience a greater freedom in life and eventually Enlightenment. It is
comprised of eight aspects of mental and physical training which are the
whole practice of Buddhism on the practical level. The Path starts with
Right Understanding. This means having at least a good intellectual
knowledge and appreciation for these very Four Noble Truths, especially
understanding the law of kamma with all its ramifications with respect to
the mind and suffering. This serves as the initial impetus or motivation to
begin the spiritual quest or at least to improve the quality of one's mind and
life. Right Understanding is followed by Right Thought or Aspiration. One
repeatedly ponders over the Dhamma, aspiring to the goal, while giving up
gross negative thoughts and pursuits. This understanding and aspiration
must now be integrated and manifested into one's daily life by practicing
Right Speech, Right Action, and Right Livelihood.
These eight factors are best illustrated as functioning like an eight spoked
wheel. All must be equally strong to make the wheel turn or roll along the
ground smoothly, effortlessly, and effectively. If one spoke is missing or
very weak the wheel will roll unevenly or wobble. Even so with the
practice of the Noble Eightfold Path. Each aspect of training helps to
support and strengthen each other. As one's understanding and commitment
grows through steady effort, the life of Dharma gradually gathers
momentum until the goal, Nirvana, is reached or realized. The Buddha even
called his first sermon at the Deer Park in Sarnath, "Turning the Wheel of
Dhamma."
Hearing these Theravada teachings explained in this clear, simple but
meaningful way, along with practicing this form of meditation, added a new
dimension to my understanding of Buddhism and life in general. The Noble
Eightfold Path seemed like such a logical step by step formula or process
for spiritual growth and awakening from the beginning to the end. One just
has to get started and 'do it' by oneself; Buddhas only point the way. In
fact, the Buddha's last words before he passed away were an exhortation to
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the monks and lay devotees who were standing around crying. He said,
"I've expounded the Dhamma in all possible ways, nothing is hidden; take
this Dhamma for your refuge; light the lamp of Dhamma within you; don't
depend on anyone else to save you. All conditioned things are
impermanent; work out your salvation with diligence." This was the way I
was beginning to see and accept what I had to do. With my growing
leanings to these Theravada or Hinayana teachings, I could almost envision
Lama Zopa and Lama Yeshe shaking their heads in disapproval, but I
couldn't seem to do anything about it.
The days seemed to go amazingly fast. I was bewildered that within a few
days I would have to leave the peaceful environs of the meditation center
and go back out into the hectic Indian city scene, hassling with rickshaw-
wallahs and railway stations. There had been an almost constant presence
of local curious Indians outside the fenced in compound. They spent long
periods of time staring inside at all of us as we walked around on the
breaks, stood in the outdoor chow line, and ate our meals sitting around
outside. I amused myself by thinking that these simple minded rural folk
were probably wondering what in the heck we white skinned foreigners
were doing in here. At times I felt sorry for them and included them in my
Bodhisattva meditation at the close of the evening. While Goenkaji was
lulling us through his recitations of Metta, I took the liberty to complement
it by adding the Buddha visualization and white light radiation. I didn't
figure it would hurt anything and I found the combination very stimulating.
On our last night together, Goenkaji gave us an inspiring talk on the
subject of Metta and he led us through a longer than usual metta meditation
which we all actively participated in. Because of the emotion evoking,
almost mesmerizing tone Goenkaji emitted, I got extra 'blissed out' by this
particular sitting. It brought a lot of people, including me, near the point of
tears. This was due to the obvious deep sincerity and true Metta we felt our
Guruji was unreservedly radiating to us and all sentient beings in Samsara.
In the closing talk the following morning, Goenkaji gave us practical
advice on how to continue cultivating this vipassana meditation on our
own. He mentioned there were many popular forms of meditation being
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taught these days by various teachers and gurus. He said mixing different
techniques was not beneficial or conducive to steady progress. It would
cause one to become confused, alternating back and forth, dissipating one's
concentration power. He advised that if we found this particular vipassana
technique useful and helpful in aiding our insight and detachment, then we
should simply stick to it and develop it fully. There was no need to bother
running here and there to learn other systems.
He suggested that when we left here and went back to our respective
countries and daily life, or even if we continued to travel around, we should
try and sit at least two times per day. Ideally this should be done for one
hour in the early morning upon waking and one hour in the evening before
sleeping finishing with a short metta meditation. This would be enough, in
most cases, to maintain our interest and concentration level so that wisdom
and detachment could gradually increase or at least not fade away
completely. It would also help greatly to go on at least one ten day intensive
teacher-led or self-retreat each year or more often if possible. This would
act as a 'wisdom battery charge' and time to dive deeper within. He said
this minimum amount of practice was sufficient for laypeople in their daily
life who cannot afford to spend all of their time meditating like monks in
the forest. He also reiterated the need to continue observing the five
precepts in our daily life. Without these sensible restraints, the life would
become chaotic and our heart unfulfilled.
Before leaving the course, everyone had the opportunity of meeting
individually with the teacher. This was to offer our thanks and appreciation,
for the wonderful gift of Dhamma he so generously showered on us or ask
any questions on our mind. When my turn came, I conveyed to him how
this sweeping technique had revolutionized my meditation practice and
offered my deepest thanks. I also asked him if it would be OK to instruct
others in this simple practice, referring specifically to my parents. He
replied that it would be OK, but only for mom and dad or other close family
members who otherwise would never have an opportunity to learn. He
warned, however, not to change or modify the technique but to explain it
exactly as he had taught it. He cautioned against thinking of myself as a
teacher and start teaching openly, advising that I should just try and be
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content with doing this practice for myself and develop it as far as possible
in order to reap the hidden benefits of long-term practice. This sounded like
good advice. I respectfully bowed my head with the two palms together in
the customary manner and took his leave feeling refreshed and elated. I was
now ready to hit the road.
In the last few days of the course, the tendency to start planning and
fantasizing about what I would do next arose several times, but I did my
best to disregard it.
I did, however, make up my mind to definitely head down to Goa. It was
now the beginning of February and the mild, pleasant, winter beach season
would soon draw to a close, becoming uncomfortably hot and humid along
the southern coastline. I hoped to get in a month or so of pleasant weather
living naked on the beach where I could continue this meditation and get
back to more yoga exercises which I had sorely missed. Goenkaji said that
it was OK to do yoga exercises on our own as long as we did not get too
preoccupied with the body and let it take time away from the meditation
sittings. From Goa, I would most probably continue on over to Ceylon
where I could go on more intensive retreats at the established centers there.
But first things first, I went back to Benares by train along with many
others from the course and again stayed at the Burmese Vihar.
From some of the other westerners I was able to find out useful info on
the best way to get down to Goa and put together my proposed route. I
would travel by train down to Bombay and from there take a ship cruise to
Panjim, the capital of Goa. On the way south, however, I planned to make
the sidetrip to visit the magnificent ancient Buddhist caves at Ajanta. Most
of the people I talked to raved about how 'far out' they were, a must if one
was anywhere in the region. As I considered myself a Buddhist pilgrim of
sorts, I figured it would be appropriate and historically interesting.
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CHAPTER II
A/ANTA CAVES, AURANGABAD
The train pulled into Jalgaon on schedule early in the morning and I
alighted. The station platforms were very quiet and people were laying out
here and there sleeping. Upon looking around I discovered a suitable spot
on the floor in the second class waiting room where I spread out my
bedroll. I took advantage of the pre-dawn quiet and did an hour of sweeping
meditation and metta radiation before the activity and noise began with
people moving about in expectation of arriving trains. I observed my ego
wanting to continue sitting so that people would see me as a meditating
yogi. I thought it would be good for these Indian people to see someone,
especially a foreigner, practicing their ancient traditions which, by and
large, they have ignored or forgotten. I tried to determine the real
motivation for this showing off. Was it purely egoistic pride to appear more
spiritual than them, or was it out of genuine compassion, so they would not
forget their rich spiritual heritage and maybe start questioning themselves?
Perhaps it was a little of both, along with, of course, doing it for my own
sake. This was a self-examination that I would be confronted with many
times.
I decided to try hitchhiking towards Ajanta which was about one hundred
miles away but stopped first to eat a breakfast of fresh puree. On the way
out of town I passed a small colorful Hindu temple where I paused to
observe the activity. Two bare chested Brahmin priests in their white dhotis
were busy performing the morning puja, washing down the statues of the
gods inside while ringing bells, lighting incense and chanting the sacred
Sanskrit mantras. Several local devotees were on hand to receive the gray
and red powder that they applied to their foreheads. There was a pleasant
air of devotion and feeling of sanctity about the shrine. This caused me to
consider the purpose of all this external ritual and worshipping gods. What
is God anyway? Is it the creative energy or universal consciousness
principle that activates the manifested, conditioned world? If so, why the
need for all these statues, pujas, rubbing powder over the body and so forth.
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I did not really know enough about Hinduism to make a judicious
judgment. I would only better understand this later on in my experience at
an active Yoga Ashram. For now I felt that vipassana meditation seemed
much more direct and simple.
The Ajanta Caves were carved into the
face of a giant crescent shaped cliff of
solid granite and evolved between the
sixth and twelfth centuries A.D. The
immense undertaking was initiated and
carried out by, to say the least, devoted
and energetic Buddhist monks. There are
twenty-nine individual caves in all. Most
of them were used as dwelling quarters, shrine rooms and meditation halls.
Many large size Buddha images are carved directly into niches in the
granite chambers. Many also have wall paintings or frescos depicting
various Buddhist themes, some of which are surprisingly well preserved.
The caves are on one side of a narrow gorge. The river that carved its
snake like path through this area falls from the top of the cliff at the head of
the canyon into the cul de sac below, forming a pool. The stream flows
from here on down through the canyon below the caves. At the base of the
cliff is a well kept park with lush vegetation and picnic tables with the
stream and waterfall pool nearby. As I gazed upon this picturesque setting I
spied what looked to be an ideal spot for spending the night under the full
moon, as it just so happened to be. I saw the park employees walking up a
steep path to a lookout point on top of the cliff opposite the caves. I
followed them up to the top and found a cozy little viewpoint complete with
a concrete bench and covered roof. From here the view across the Gorge to
the caves was fantastic. The whole horseshoe shaped curve of the canyon
wall with the doors to the caves, could be unobstructedly scanned from end
to end. The head of the canyon with the waterfall, the park and pool below
looked exquisite from this angle. I speculated that when the moon came out
it would light up the whole area and be an incredibly enchanting sight; I
instantly knew that this was where I would be that full moon night. Upon
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searching around, I found a bunch of dried weeds which I pulled up and
made into a crude mattress for a more sleeping comfort.
The trail from here followed near the edge of the cliff top back to the start
of the gorge where the waterfall is and continues beyond about a half mile
to a village. Most of the park attendants and casual laborers lived in the
village to where they were now returning. As I was sitting at the viewpoint
watching the sunset a couple of these fellows stopped to chat. In adequate
English they told me this was an inhospitable place to sleep as it got cold at
night and there were snakes in the area. They inquired what I would eat and
I showed them my bananas and peanuts. The two shook their heads at the
scanty fare and evidently took pity on me. One of the friendly chaps invited
me to accompany him home to eat a home cooked meal of rice, chapattis,
dhal, and vegetable and sleep on a rope-strung bed. It was tempting but I
declined his sympathetic offer of humble hospitality. I did not wish to
budge from my bird's eye view, anticipating the moon rising very soon.
Respecting my obvious strong desire to remain, the fellow said he would
bring me some milk and chapattis in the morning on his way to work.
As the full moon rose in the sky the soft light gradually filled up the
entire canyon; the entrance of the caves could be seen in plain detail with
the tree covered park and waterfall pool below looking very enchanting. It
was indeed one of the most breath-taking sights by moonlight that I could
remember ever having seen, equal to the Himalayan skyline from Naudanda
ridge behind Pokhara. A wish, "I sure would like to be tripping on
psychedelics now" came into my mind, and I immediately recognized it as
being merely an old strong habit pattern. I was becoming so captivated and
inwardly tranquil by the beautiful panorama unfolding before me that I
thought I probably couldn't get much higher, even on drugs. The scene was
inducing a natural psychedelic high and I was becoming filled with a new
kind of energy that I hadn't experienced before, except maybe on
mescaline. I speculated that maybe it was due to the special exhilarating
energy of the full moon combined with the meditation and yoga practice I
had been doing over the last two months. I even tried sitting cross-legged to
meditate with my eyes closed but found it difficult to resist looking at the
gorgeous spectacle.
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I tried to imagine what it must have been like to live here during that
flourishing period when hundreds of monks were working and meditating
in the caves. It is believed that the monks grew their own food in fields on
top of the cliffs. It boggled my mind to try and fathom how any religion or
religious leader could inspire people to undertake such a stupendous,
seemingly impossible, project; I reasoned that it had to be great. But I was
just beginning to scratch the surface of that greatness. As the moon reached
the zenith and began descending in the west the inner energy which had
filled me to overflowing gradually diminished. The night was cool here on
the Deccan Plateau and my trusty old jalaba provided the right touch of
cozy comfort as I laid down on the improvised bed of soft weeds.
I awoke at the crack of dawn feeling refreshed and sat for an hour session
of meditation. I began with a few of the inspirational Tibetan prayers and
the white light/black smoke breathing purification before getting down to
the vipassana sweeping. I ended with a white light metta radiation to all
sentient beings. As I was finishing up, as if by coincidence, I heard the
sounds of the men coming from the village beyond the waterfall on their
way to work. They sounded happy and carefree, whistling and singing as
they made their way along the rim of the canyon. The fellows who offered
to bring me breakfast arrived with a Tiffin container with fresh buffalo milk
and a few cold chapattis. I gratefully accepted this and partook of it
thoughtfully as my benefactors looked on with smiles on their lean brown
faces. I was really beginning to get a warm feeling for the impact of ancient
religious culture in the hearts of these Indian people, especially in the rural
areas. They tried their best within their humble means to treat the guest as
God.
I was still so mesmerized by the aesthetic beauty of the place that I
decided to remain another day and night. I took a second, slower, self
guided tour through some of the more interesting caves, sitting periodically
in an obscure dark corner to meditate. While meditating in one of the
interior cells a groups of tourists came very near. I thought if they looked in
and saw me it would probably surprise or shock them. One of the children
did peer inside and evidently made out my dark outline and recognized me
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as a real person instead of a stone statue. He called out to his mommy and
daddy proclaiming his unusual discovery and the whole family came to take
a peek at this strange sight, sitting like a stone Buddha. I could not help but
chuckle under my breath at their naivety as they whispered back and forth
to each other trying to figure me out. The desire arose to open my eyes just
enough to peek at them but I fought off the temptation. I thought if they
saw me open my eyes it might destroy the image in their minds of me being
absorbed in deep samadhi, oblivious to the world, as I wanted to be seen. I
realized this was another crafty exhibition of the ego but, nonetheless, I
continued to sit motionless until they departed. In these little games it was
difficult for me to know if whether what I was doing to weaken the ego
was, in fact, subtly increasing it. This play of the ego would only be
sufficiently understood and skillfully dealt with after considerably more
practice and experience. Until then, I had to work on it by trial and error, as
in everything else.
In the afternoon I hung out in the park beside the gurgling stream and had
a stimulating shower under the cascading waterfall. Later on, a lone French
traveler named Charles showed up in the park and inevitably we met and
struck up conversation. He informed me of a secluded un-crowded beach at
the very north of Goa which boasted a fresh water pond only fifty feet from
the seashore. There were little huts around the pond built and abandoned by
former travelers, which could be utilized by anyone if not already occupied.
It sounded like an ideal place to suit my intended purpose.
During the course of conversation he pulled out a stash pouch and
proceeded to roll a joint of Kerala grass. 6 Upon seeing this, I noticed the
desire to smoke a little come into the mind, knowing that he would no
doubt offer to share it with me. At first I questioned myself if I should or
shouldn't. I wondered if it would be violating the fifth precept of not taking
intoxicating stimulants. I knew both of my teachers, Lama Zopa and
Goenkaji, would not approve and I knew it would only be going back to an
old habit. I had smoked that hash joint in the cafe in Kathmandu and hadn't
enjoyed it. Was that a sign that I would never enjoy it again? Maybe I
" Potent marijuana grown in the South India state of Kerala.
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didn't need it anymore; last night I was so naturally high without anything
except nature. I was confident that I was now not attached to or
psychologically dependent to the stuff, nor was I intentionally seeking it
out. But I reasoned that it might be interesting to see how it would affect me
now after this long interval. After all, it was only a grass joint without the
unpleasant side effect of tobacco and I might get a pleasant little buzz on
which I could experiment with meditation. I had not taken the fifth precept
as a life vow anyway and I was sure I wouldn't lose control of my mind. I
would just take a couple of tokes to be sociable while remaining in the flow
of the present situation. Refusing to smoke might upset the friendly vibes
between us and Charles might think I was a spiritual snob; it would also
indicate a kind of aversion in my mind — an aversion against smoking.
All of these thoughts, pro and con, arose within the time that it took
Charles to finish rolling the big fat joint. I was amazed how quickly and
efficiently the mind could recapitulate all those past events and feelings
about dope smoking and come up with an answer in a similar manner as a
computer. I gave in to this remnant of old habit and tried not to let any
preconception of being a 'meditator' or being 'Holy' inhibit the ability to
accept whatever it may bring. I was able to relax into it and did get a
noticeable pleasant high. It helped to silence a lot of the internal dialogue I
was having and I became more sensitive to the sounds and movement of the
nature around. It was similar to the state of consciousness I had experienced
after one or two hours of sweeping meditation during the last retreat, when
I would get up and walk outside. I came to the rough conclusion that, at
least this time, the smoke aided as a substitute for the otherwise long
process of sitting and struggling with the ego's chitter chatter, in order to
reach that same state. But I knew it definitely was not a substitute.
I then detected in my mind the desire to hang around Charles, maybe
suggesting both of us sleep up at the lookout point, so I could perhaps
smoke another joint with him that evening. That was the last straw! I
decided there and then to go my own way before a habit formed again.
Once was OK, but wanting to smoke a second time meant attachment and I
realized that I was perhaps not yet so strong in that respect. It is easy to give
up or forget about something when the influence is absent but when
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opportunity knocks, it all tends to rush back, sometimes with even greater
force. I vividly described the hilltop viewpoint and my experience there
under the full moon the previous night, recommending that he try it. And he
agreed that it did sound nice and that he would probably do just that. I
would sleep at the waterfall pool at the base of the canyon wall.
Before it got dark the two of us walked over to the parking area to stock
up on fruit to last till the following day. On the way back I pointed out to
Charles the trail ascending to the lookout point and bid him a pleasant
evening. He offered to roll me a joint to smoke later that evening by myself
but I cut if off with a polite, "No thank you" and walked off before I had a
chance to change my mind. Before my close encounter with the Dhamma, I
never bothered with these kinds of moral decisions or trying to control the
mind. I simply did whatever came into my mind without necessarily
questioning or judging it as being right or wrong, skilful or unskillful. But
now, with this meditation practice and gung-ho spirit to purify the mind or
whatever, all this scrutinizing and mental detective work took on more
significance. It became more or less an urgent task, and very interesting to
boot.
For convenience I rode a local bus out to the main highway from where I
began thumbing south. After a truck ride of fifty miles a Government of
India jeep stopped and gave me a lift the remaining distance to Aurangabad.
I had not heard much about this city and was figuring to just walk on out
the other side and make it to the Ellora Caves that same day. While walking
through the city I saw an interesting looking place that appeared to be a
tourist attraction. People were paying fifty paise to go inside a high walled
compound which enclosed something resembling a mosque. Being a bit
curious and not in such a big hurry, I purchased a ticket and entered. It
turned out to be a memorial for a Muslim Saint called, Panchakki. To
escape the heat of the day I went into the cool chamber containing the tomb
of whoever it was, and sat down cross-legged on the mat covering the floor.
Several Muslim men were quietly contemplating so I thought this would be
a suitable place to meditate awhile. In the meantime, many people came in
and out.
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When I went out onto the street about an hour later a young man
approached me and started a polite conversation. He spoke fluent English
and explained how he had seen me sitting in the tomb meditating, and
inquired if I was a Muslim. I told him no, that I was a Buddhist. He
exuberantly replied that he too was a Buddhist and that he was very happy
to meet me. He invited me, or rather insisted, that I come to his house to
meet his friends and discuss Buddhism. I tried to explain to him that I was
hoping to make it to Ellora that same day but he practically begged me to
delay a day or two. He said not many foreigners came by this way,
especially Western Buddhists and this was a good opportunity for him to be
of service. He added that this was a nice city where all religions were freely
practiced and religious harmony prevailed, with a lot of good people and
interesting sights to see. There was also a big Buddhist College and new
University which he would take me to visit.
This enthusiastic, educated, polite young man whose name was Sardar,
seemed to be sincere, and he was the first professed Indian Buddhist I had
yet met. As I was in no particular hurry, I decided to go with the flow and
went along with him. He led me on a fifteen minute walk to the outskirts of
town where he was living. On the way he talked almost constantly, telling
me all about himself, his Buddhist friends and the city. Sardar was a student
at the new Marathwada University and was working as an aide for the Vice-
Chancellor. Most of the students attending the University and at the nearby
Milinda College were Buddhists. Milinda College was started by the late
Dr. B. R. Ambedkar who championed the conversion of over a million low
caste Hindus to Buddhism, starting back in 1956. The conversions were
initiated mostly for socio-economic reasons and not because the people
believed in the Buddha or his teachings necessarily. Most of the converts
probably had little or no firm intellectual knowledge of the Four Noble
Truths or knew even who the Buddha was, at least in the beginning. But,
nevertheless, they sincerely wanted to improve their lives, and if it meant
changing their religion and becoming a Buddhist, then they were open to it
and willing to learn.
Sardar lived within the house of a Muslim family and was anxious for me
to meet his esteemed Muslim friend. Mr. Quaz-Sir was a schoolteacher and
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a very devout Muslim, though he respected and honored all great religions.
He was very keen on hearing my own views on Buddhism and was even
interested to learn the practice of meditation. He cordially invited me to
have dinner with him that evening. I could not refuse. That night I slept up
on the flat roof of the house in order to be alone and have a quiet place to
meditate and to enjoy the incredible display of twinkling stars. I was
informed by the professor of chemistry who I met the next day that the air
around Aurangabad contained the highest percentage of oxygen and was
purer than anywhere else in India, and perhaps the world — according to
him.
In the morning Sardar took me to visit the college and University where
he introduced me to many of his friends and professors. At the University I
met and had tea with the Vice-Chancellor and a few lesser administrators.
On my enquiry they explained about the curriculum and degrees offered in
Buddhist studies, Pali and Sanskrit. An idea now sprung into my head about
the possibility of studying here myself sometime in the near future. I
wondered if this University would be recognized as an accredited
institution for which I could receive the G.I. Bill of educational benefits. I
knew it was applicable to many foreign Universities and I was still entitled
to three more years of benefits. I toyed with the idea of using this free
money and take a degree course in Pali and Buddhism. It might please my
parents as a second best, and it would be a good way to remain in Asia for a
few more years and even get paid for it! On my request I was given a tour
of the large well stocked library where many students were diligently
studying. It was interesting to observe my mind racing ahead to the future
and creating fantasies about going back to college. I asked the VC about
transferring my two years of junior college work so that I could enroll at the
third year level. He seemed to think it might be possible but I would have it
arrange to have the transcripts sent here to be examined. He informed me
that getting a student visa from the Indian Government could take some
time.
The Chemistry professor who told me about the purity of the air was keen
on learning the practice of meditation but there was nobody around who
could teach them. He politely asked it I would teach him the basics, and out
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of compassion, I agreed. Another of the professors earnestly wanted me to
give a lecture on the practice of meditation to his Buddhist Philosophy
class. Now I felt I was a little more capable and experienced to deliver a
reasonably intelligent and accurate talk on the subject. I hoped it would
give them a deeper view about meditation than they had evidently been
getting. I also figured it would be a good experience for me to stand in front
of a group and give a lecture, in order to see my own ability, nervousness or
other reactions. I hadn't done something like this since my speech class at
junior college, so I accepted the invitation and it was arranged for the
following morning.
That night I went to the Chemistry professor's house and taught him the
simple practice of anapanasati breath awareness as I learned in the first
three days of the Goenka course. The two of us sat silently together for
about fifteen minutes while I reminded him to bring his awareness back to
the tip of the nose if his mind wandered astray. He enjoyed the brief
experience and I encouraged him to try and practice it for twenty or thirty
minutes, once in the morning and once in the evening. Knowing his busy
schedule and family life, I figured this would be all he could manage if he
even continued at all.
It was funny how all of a sudden I was being elevated to a position of
authority on the subject of meditation and being asked to teach. I had been a
Buddhist for only the last three months whereas some of these people had
been converted to Buddhism several or more years prior. It helped me to
realize how superficial their understanding was and how starved they were
for some practical guidance and inspiration. Their Buddhism was mostly an
intellectual pursuit and a group identification among the college crowd, but
of no real fault of their own. I couldn't help but have sympathy for their
predicament but I did not want to get too personally involved. I
remembered Goenkaji's parting words to me against teaching. I knew I still
had a lot of work to do on myself and I did not wish to commit myself to
something I was not really prepared to do, which could have been easy
under those circumstances. Sol decided to continue on my carefree way the
next day after delivering the talk in the morning.
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I spent a lot of time that night trying to decide what I should talk about
and how to introduce the main topic of meditation. This would be the first
time that I was to give a more or less impromptu speech about anything to a
group of people and I was understandably somewhat nervous. I was not a
scholar or authority on the subject nor did I have any special spiritual
attainment. I simply had a little theoretical knowledge supported by a bit of
practical meditation experience, which put me in touch more closely with
the reality that the knowledge was merely pointing to. Most of these
converted Buddhists were familiar with the Theravada approach rather than
the Mahayana or Tibetan style. So I thought it would be more effective to
introduce the subject through the Theravada teachings and vipassana
meditation. I decided to start off by explaining the Four Noble Truths in a
way they could relate to. I would then describe from my own limited
experience something about the actual mechanics of vipassana practice,
cultivating a calm mind by concentration, from which to become aware.
This would be the framework of the discourse while the precise, step-by-
step words and explanation I would just have to come up with or improvise
as it went along.
In the morning Sardar walked with me over to Milinda College for the
lecture scheduled at 10 A.M. By this time the word had gotten out that an
American Buddhist was going to deliver a talk on meditation. All of a
sudden I found myself entering an auditorium where about one hundred and
fifty persons, mostly young men were waiting. It had grown from a single
class talk to a formal lecture for the whole college or whoever wanted to
come. Other classes had been cancelled especially for this so-called rare
occasion. I could feel myself becoming quite nervous with butterflies in the
stomach as Sardar led me up to the stage.
Sardar gave the customary introduction about who I was and how he
came to meet me and persuaded me into staying with him these two days
and so on. All this while my heart was pounding noticeably and my mind
became cloudy and I was at a loss where to begin. This physical and mental
reaction or stage fright took me by surprise and I wondered if I would be
able to speak properly or coherently or if the audience would notice it. I
closed my eyes and took a few slow deep breaths while telling myself to
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relax, relax, relax. It seemed to be effective and slowly the outline of what I
wanted to say came into focus and the heart beat slowed a little.
I shakily began by thanking my kind host, Sardar, for his introduction and
the professor who invited me to speak and arranged the assembly. I started
the subject matter with a brief synopsis of Prince Siddhartha's life, stressing
that his motive for abandoning the royal life was to discover the origin and
cure of suffering at its deepest level. Once I got into speaking I relaxed
more and the words gradually flowed almost effortlessly, much to my
pleasant surprise.
I went on to describe how much of our individual physical problems and
pain has its roots in the mind; each person, in accordance with one's
accumulated ignorance, greed and aversion, self-creates for the most part,
his or her own sorrow or happiness. I then explained how by meditation we
can develop awareness which allows us to control the mind's negative,
unwholesome outflow and cultivate the wisdom that can set us free. I ended
by describing the metta meditation and how wisdom and compassion are
like the two wings of a bird, strengthening and complementing each other
on the path of spiritual awakening. I wished them all the best for happiness
and fulfillment in their new found religion and lease on life, and
encouraged them to take up the practice of meditation.
At this, one young man stood up and asked if I would remain in the area
for some time to ground them in the practice of meditation. I replied that I
was still practically a beginner in all of this myself and did not feel
qualified or self-assured enough to teach others on a formal level. I related
how I was continuing my own inner search and practice of the Noble
Eightfold Path, doing what I thought to be helpful and conducive for my
inner growth. And at present, I was trying to follow the flow of
impermanence by keeping on the move, not getting attached or stuck
anywhere in travelling or in thinking. I did not tell them, however, that I
was on my way to live naked on the beach in Goa. I did inform them about
U. N. Goenka and his ten-day meditation courses, and suggested they write
to him and invite him to come to conduct a retreat in this area. Sardar
closed the meeting by thanking me for sharing with them my understanding
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of the essence of Buddhism and inspiring them. Everyone seemed very
appreciative and I was quite satisfied with the outcome.
I rather enjoyed the brief, whirlwind tour in this amiable city of
Aurangabad. It would not be the last time I saw the place. I later found out
that the Marathwada University was not on the official list to receive the
educational assistance and so I dropped that fantasy. Getting a University
degree in Buddhism was not my deepest heart's desire, nor did I consider it
necessary for understanding the essence of Dhamma.
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CHAPTER II
GOA
By following the travel plan, I arrived in the middle of bustling Bombay
in the late afternoon. The primary objective for coming here was to take the
overnight boat down to Panjim. But as the name Bombay conjured up
exotic images in my mind, I wanted to have a quick look around, just to
say, I'd been there. I had not heard anything very favorable about Bombay
from travelers except that there were a couple of cheap hotels located
around the Gateway of India. The first thing on the agenda was to go
straight down to the dockside and inquire when the next boat for Goa was
leaving. I was glad to hear that the next sailing was the following afternoon.
I was able to secure passage at this time for second class deck
accommodation and then made my way across this huge city to the
Gateway to India. I easily located the hotels I sought and, in one, I managed
to get the last bed in the crowded dormitory.
In the morning I took a walk in the modern downtown business district
which surprised me with its wide streets and ultra modern office buildings
and well stocked stores. As I browsed through a large bookstore I picked up
a book entitled Yoga Self Taught, written by an Indian Yoga teacher named
Sri Yogendra. After skimming through it I decided to buy it. It seemed to
be well written and it had a lot of pictures. I had already been practicing a
few simple yoga exercises, but this book showed many new postures that
appeared useful and more difficult. I was ready to try some different
challenging positions to push my body a little further in flexibility. It also
gave a short but clear explanation of the philosophy behind yoga — being a
complete practice which purifies and integrates both aspects of the body
and mind to achieve Self-Realization and Moksha 7 . The postures and
exercises were neatly illustrated and it described a system of rhythmic
breathing which coordinated in and out breathing with the movements
involved. It looked and sounded interesting and seemed to add a new
' The Hindu equivalent of the Buddhist's Nibbana - liberation from the rounds of birth and death; sometimes called
Brahma Nirvana.
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dimension to the practice that I was not aware of previously. I figured I
would have a lot of time and a perfect environment living on the beach to
systematically go through it and the prospect excited me even more.
I arrived at the wharf a little early hoping to be among the first to board in
order to select a good spot on the deck to spend the night. There were
already a lot of people in line evidently with the same idea, many being
westerners like myself anxious to reach the long awaited paradise. When
everyone was finally on board there was ample room for each person to
find his or her preferred niche. I chose a spot aloof from the other
foreigners who were already preparing chillums to celebrate sailing over
the high seas to the hippy-mecca. The ship embarked right on time, cruising
on out of Bombay harbor leaving behind the Gateway of India.
I leaned against the upper deck railing and watched the outline of
Bombay grow smaller in the distance. I indulged in romantic thoughts of
sailing southward over the tropical waters of the Arabian Sea bound for the
palm fringed beaches of Goa. I flashed back with traces of nostalgia to the
days in Gomera when our merry band of Riversiders were planning this
epic pilgrimage. With a touch of pride, I wondered what my ole high school
chums were up to back in smog choked Riverside. Just to rub it in I had
sent off to Barry and Larry that morning a postcard depicting the Gateway
of India and mentioning the coveted destination. I consoled them in a
joking vein that I would do my best to enjoy it for all of them, by smoking a
ceremonial chillum in their honor upon arrival and drop acid on the March
full moon beach party, which we had all formerly envisioned.
The ship cruised within sight of the coastline dotted with lights from
occasional villages. I stayed awake for a few hours gazing into the starry
sky in reflective thought and watched the waning crescent moon rise over
the sleeping subcontinent. I finally curled up in my cozy jalaba on the
wooden deck and let the gentle undulations of the vessel's forward motion
lull me to sleep. In the early morning while the moon was still high over the
watery western horizon I awoke and sat for a period of meditation, closing
with a sincere outflow of metta in all directions. The sun's orange orb rising
over the palm- fringed shores of India's south-west coast was picture
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perfect. We were now nearing the end of the voyage as the ship sailed past
the inviting beaches of North Goa into the idyllic tropical harbor and state
capital, Panjim.
Calangute Beach
Candolim Bead
Sinquerim Bead
Aguada Fort
Palolem Beach
The whole state of Goa is very small compared with other Indian States,
having a coastline of only about sixty miles. But within this relatively short
space lie some of India's most beautiful and popular beaches. Some time
back in the sixties the exodus of western vagabonds coming East somehow
discovered this tucked away touch of paradise. And ever since, the
popularity and fame of its beaches, which boasted a free lifestyle of open
nudity and dope smoking, grew. The more popular beaches where the
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majority of the foreigners stayed were strung out along several miles of
coastline north of Panjim. During the winter months on the full moon a
tradition of having a wild party lasting all night evolved. The story has it
that during the Christmas full moon rock groups from Europe showed up
with their equipment and put on free beach concerts for the party. And
apparently they brought loads of LSD along as well. Speakers and
amplifiers were left behind for the sake of future parties. In other months
live music is substituted by a tape player and supply of late sixties/seventies
era rock music. Anjuna beach was the site of the big parties. Although I
was not keen on joining in with all the crowd with their partying and so on,
I at least wanted to check it out, if just out of curiosity.
My first destination, however, was the secluded beach at the north end of
Goa, called Arambol Lake of which Charles had informed me. As it was
still about three weeks until the full moon I thought to stay there to get in a
private retreat of meditation and yoga, going to Anjuna beach in time to
catch the notorious full moon party. By then I would have about two weeks
left on my visa, just enough time to journey down to the tip of India and
swing back up the east coast to Rameswaram where the ferry leaves for
Ceylon. This was the tentative plan forming in the back of my mind.
Before heading out to Arambol Lake I purchased two meters of
lightweight orange cloth to wear as a mini sarong to replace my cotton
pants while at the beach. I got off the bus at a small village following the
instructions Charles gave me, proceeding through a cluster of squalid
thatched houses to the beach a half mile beyond. Here I encountered the
notorious Goa pigs roaming here and there searching out fresh human
excreta or other less delectable filth they could gobble up. I amused myself
by speculating what sort of negative kamma caused rebirth in such a state.
The solitary restaurant where I would be taking my one daily meal was
situated where the palm grove met the beach. It was a small thatched
structure with an eating area and a kitchen of sorts in the back. I took a rest
inside sitting at one of the tables and decided to try out the raw vegetable
salad, knowing it would be the last food I ate until the following noon. The
joint was empty except for the young Indian fellow who ran it. Fruit and
vegetable salads were all that he prepared; he didn't even have the usual tea
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or soft drinks. Charles had told me about this restaurant. Instead of taking
provisions with me to cook I decided to walk the short distance each day
about noon and eat just one meal of a fruit and vegetable salad. That was
supposed to be a good Yogi's diet. The salads cost only one rupee each.
The salad was substantial and tasty, consisting of cabbage, carrot,
cucumber and tomato all chopped and mixed and flavored with a dash of
lemon and salt. I complimented him on it and said I would be coming
probably every day around noon to eat one of each for my daily meal. I
inquired if it would be possible to obtain drinking water from him for my
bottle when I came each day and he agreed. He brought the water he used
from the village well a short distance away. Before leaving I queried him as
to how many foreigners were currently at the lake, hoping it would be a
small number; I was comforted when he reckoned less than ten. I thanked
the amiable fellow saying I'd see him tomorrow and set out on the final leg
around the rocky headland.
As the trail snaked its way through the rocks, I began to see crude shelters
perched on top of the cliff above. In one of them, I noticed two persons
apparently smoking a chillum while the other three or four spots appeared
to be abandoned. When I emerged onto the beach proper, I paused to pull
off my clothes to feel more at home. I saw only a few persons scattered
over the comparatively short stretch of beach. At the far end a few hundred
yards away was another bluff which, sealed the area off giving a sense of
seclusion. To the right, about thirty yards from the shoreline, was the edge
of the fresh water pond where I sat down to scan the intriguing
surroundings.
Situated around the perimeter of the pond at the water's edge were several
makeshift campsites and simple shelters in which a few people could be
seen. Smoke from a wood fire silently curled into the air, disappearing into
nothingness. It was a small lake, almost round and approximately thirty
yards across. It was situated between two parallel tree covered ridges which
began at the beach and reached inland on both sides for about half a mile,
forming a narrow isolated valley covered with dense foliage. The source of
the fresh water came from a stream originating somewhere at the rear of the
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valley. The whole place was truly a serene setting of immense natural
beauty with so few people to enjoy it. The paucity of nature-loving freaks
was uncanny in view of the fact that hundreds of them were crowded
together at Anjuna, not that far away. I didn't know the reason for this but I
was delighted. May be it was just nature's way of keeping this spot extra
special for those who were destined, as it were, to make it here.
When the initial wonder wore off, I took a walk around the lake to look
for a likely camping site to use as a base to keep my gear. I found a suitable
spot which had been used before, on the opposite side; it was a small,
cleared area beside the water's edge surrounded by trees and bushes
completely hidden from outside view. After a little rest I went out on the
beach for a sunset meditation. Five or six people were on the beach some
distance away toking up their chillums. I heard one of them invoking the
familiar "Bom Shiva," which caused me to chuckle, thinking I was beyond
it now. And with an image of myself as a 'real' yogi, I assumed the
meditative pose, and watched the bright orange sun sink over the horizon of
the Arabian Sea. Just before dark, I returned to the campsite to fetch my
jalaba, blanket and water bottle with the intention of sleeping on the beach.
I was quite tired now and managed only a short metta meditation prior to
stretching out to gaze at the constellations as they were exposed clearly
above.
I awoke with the first rays of dawn and sat for an hour of sweeping
followed by the usual few yoga exercises in the warm morning air. On the
west coast of India the sun rises over the subcontinent and here on the
beach the sun cannot be seen until about 7.30 or 8 A.M. when it clears the
surrounding cliffs. After exercising, I laid out to rest until the sun's warm
rays finally began bathing my naked body. It was so relaxing I dozed off
again and woke up when it had become too warm and ran to dive into the
cool refreshing sea.
To remove the crusty feeling of drying salt, I skinny dipped into the fresh
water of the lake conveniently nearby. It was a real nice contrast. The water
was quite shallow and contained many thick patches of water plants so was
not so suitable for regular swimming. Instead, I sat cross-legged on the
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sandy bottom a couple feet from the edge in sounder deep water, absorbing
the cool current from underneath while the sunshine reflected off the mirror
surface into my face. I got the best of both worlds at the same time and tried
to merge these two distinct feelings into one unique experience. A young
female had come equipped with an air mattress and was floating silently
over the placid water sunning her backside, at the far end amongst the tall
reeds. It was such a tranquil scene.
Back on my beach blanket, I began reading the first chapter in the yoga
book. It was so interesting I carried on for almost an hour, looking over the
illustrations. The author described how the body and mind, two aspects of
our being, are integrated into one organic whole for all intents and
purposes. When both function harmoniously in mutual cooperation then
health and well-being is a natural result. At the highest level it leads to Self-
Realization — that we are not separate from the whole, but are the whole,
in terms of all pervading Cosmic-Consciousness. Deep rhythmic breathing
helps to purify the nervous system and serves as the basis for many of the
body movements and postures. He introduced a system of breathing
coordinated with the physical movements. Various postures bend and
stretch the body in most major ways. There were helpful diagrams and
pictures along with the explanations to make it clearer. It looked and
sounded very scientific and promising and I would start that evening
working on a few.
On returning from lunch at the restaurant I took a rest in the shade of my
campsite during the heat of the afternoon. In the late afternoon, I went
through several of the new yoga exercises coordinating them with the
breathing as instructed. The standing movement/postures stretched and
loosened up the spinal vertebrae and other joints to a degree the previous
exercises I had been doing had not. They were fairly simple forward,
backward, side bending and lateral twisting movements, but when
synchronized with deep rhythmic breathing it had a new, invigorating
effect, giving an extra boost. I could feel rushes of sensations which I
interpreted as the life force (prana) spreading all throughout the body. I
followed the thirty-minute workout with a five-minute relaxation lying
stretched out on my back as instructed in the book. Though I had by no
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means executed them perfectly this first time, I could see the potential of
doing it this way. More concentration was required to coordinate everything
so the mind had less idle time to wander; I felt more totally in the present,
in a semi-meditative state, clearly aware, and this encouraged me.
Following the relaxation, I sat up in the cross-legged posture and went right
into a period of near effortless sweeping and sunset gazing.
During the next three weeks, I followed basically the same daily routine,
sleeping on the beach under the stars and woke up for an hour of mediation
at the crack of dawn. I then spent an hour or so going through the regimen
of yoga exercises according to the book, adding two or three new ones each
day until I was doing the whole series of twelve. I finished with the
relaxation period just as the sun rose above the tree tops bathing the bare
body with warm soothing rays, followed by a refreshing morning swim of
floating on my back beyond the surf line. The rest of the morning was spent
with reading, body surfing, floating, sunbathing and occasionally taking a
walk exploring the area.
Upon returning from lunch I retired to the shade of the campsite for a
respite from the hot afternoon sun. During this rest period, I usually tried to
get in some meditation. But it was often disconcerting to observe the mind
resorting to making up excuses to cut the sitting short. The most common
and hardest to overcome was tiredness, to which I more often than not
succumbed after a brief, half-hearted resistance. I would then lay down with
the good intention of continuing the sweeping awareness prone but usually
wound up dozing off to sleep. I would wake up feeling a little guilty, but
consoled myself thinking the light diet was making the body weak and
causing the early afternoon tiredness, so out of compassion for my body I
deserved a short rest. And this may have been rightly so. But dammit! why
did this drowsiness have to occur right when I was trying to meditate every
time?
I remembered Goenkaji's talk on the five hindrances to meditation which
I had also read in one of the pamphlets I had picked up at Sarnath. ££otA<
and tavpa?/ 1& one^ a^ tAsse^ stumf^ Aindu/nee^ o^ impe^im^n^ and l^ mani^es^
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Chapter 12: Goa
a& temavfu^ as
sfaf2f2mf' auia&ene&S/ dead In- lt& tzacJe&< ^Is^iiAe^a^oimddc^dens^^o^
enaeiopm^ tAe- mind and dadu^. &A^medifaJm/S/fodll&t&zec<j^^
and '■dtlue' tt out a^ me< mind W dis&ifzafa 16 uutA^ stwfi^ auttf^ene^ t& dveaA on/
tAvau^A t& me> ame& sid& && t&sfzeaJk fs^ an& l& succe&s^td/ tA& mind ' acAieue&
a/ stat& a^s c^xity, il^Atness- and/ a/evtnes&< ueitA> uiAicA/ 1& cam^ <mp. I would try
doing this but usually without much luck. On other occasions, because of
sheer restlessness or uncontrollable daydreaming, I would cut the sitting
short with the excuse to read, wash my clothes in the stream or any number
of off-the-wall deceptions. Restlessness is another one of the hindrances. I
knew all these phony excuses were signs of weak will power to sit longer
because I had sat longer, much longer, in the afternoons during the Goenka
course.
These experiences underscored the value of group meditation courses and
afforded insight into another aspect of the mind. In a group you are more
or less compelled to sit for the duration of the designated period, so the
mind resigns itself to the ordeal. When alone, however, when the teacher or
others aren 't around to notice, it is easy to give in to the ingrained habit
patterns the hindrances have created and bail yourself out. Essentially it is
an escape, running away to avoid the unpleasantness, discomfort or pain of
a particular situation. And this is what the mind tries to do consciously or
unconsciously most of the time from gross to very subtle levels. This deeper
insight into the pleasure, seeking/pain-avoiding reaction syndrome, being
the real essence of suffering in the Buddha 's teachings, would come to me
more clearly later, after much more experience. For now, I had to deal with
these pesky hindrances the best I could.
In the late afternoons, I usually made it a point to sit or lay at the
shoreline to let the incoming tide wash up against my naked body. I
allowed the gentle force of the inrushing water heave my limp body to and
fro, trying not to resist, letting go of everything. It was relaxing and
insightful until an extra big wave broke sending water and sand surging
over my head into the nose and eyes, causing me to choke or sit up briefly
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to clean the irritating sand. The gnats and big horse flies also tried my
patience and afforded insight on feelings and sensations.
One day at the restaurant I met three young Germans, two girls and a guy,
dressed in red/orange clothes with whom I struck up a conversation. Each
wore a mala of wooden beads around their necks which had a picture of a
bearded yogi hanging from it. They were disciples of a popular Indian Guru
named Rajneesh. I had seen some of these orange clad neo sannyassins'*
before but did not know too much else about it. They told me a little about
their Guru's radical Tantric philosophy. Rajneesh says that sex is our
biggest hang-up and so much suffering is incurred by the way society and
established religions have conditioned us in this regard. Most of us have
repressed or suppressed the basic natural instinct thinking it something
sinful or naughty in the eyes of God or some other power. This has created
the common neurosis that is especially evident in the West, but found in the
East also. Therefore, to overcome sexual hang-ups, he expounds his own
version of Tantra which includes overt sexual indulgence.
Rajneesh had his main ashram in Poona, east of Bombay where these
Germans had lived prior to coming to Goa. There was also a small branch
center at Anjuna beach. When newcomers arrived at these ashrams they
were usually encouraged to go into the Tantric room. This was a room with
mattresses covering the floor where males and females stripped naked and
balled their brains out with different partners. The purpose behind this was
to wear out the lust for sex or at least overcome any prudishness or
inhibitions. This was how Rajneesh got so famous and was dubbed the "Sex
Guru" by some writers. There were also classes in other disciplines such as
Tai Chi, Sufi dancing, karate, yoga, Zen and even vipassana meditation,
plus various encounter/therapy groups, to gain a more refined concentration
and awareness.
These young 'neo-sannyassins' were intending to stay at Arambol lake
for several days to get away from the crowd at Anjuna beach. That
afternoon one of the girls caught sight of me practicing yoga in the
8 The references / II, ... X are listed in the appendix "Numbered Notes '
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afternoon which I was not necessarily hiding. When I had finished and
returned from a dip in the sea, she came merrily skipping up to me in her
birthday suit wearing her mala with the picture of her Guru bobbing
between small tanned breasts. She acted carefree as if nothing in the world
bothered or inhibited her and she blurted out, "Hi," and plopped herself
down in the sand next to me. She said she had seen me doing yoga and was
herself just beginning to learn and asked if I might show her some of the
exercises I knew. I could not help but amusingly speculate to myself,
"What kind of yoga 9 does she really want to practice?" I answered that I
was also just a beginner but would be happy to show her what I knew. I
demonstrated a few of the exercises for stretching the legs and spine and
twisting the spine from side to side while explaining the breathing which
accompanied the movements. I explained that these helped to release
pleasant rushes of energy throughout the body giving a momentary sense of
euphoria. She enthusiastically tried these under my helping supervision and
got off on it. She thanked me and said that practicing these would help
arouse her kundalini 70 .
The talkative young German hung around and queried me as to what
spiritual path I was following and I replied for the sake of clarity, that I was
a Buddhist. To this she spouted her Rajneesh Tantric philosophy of how we
must express our desires in whatever form they wish to come out and that
life was to be lived as a great celebration of joy. She said her Guru
Bhagwan belittled Buddhist monks and nuns who he said are denying their
natural instincts to enjoy the world (specifically referring to sex and their
vows of celibacy). She went on to say that sex was beautiful and the world
should be fully experienced and enjoyed without feeling guilty. During this
conversation I could feel a sexual arousal in my mind and body and I had to
discreetly change my sitting posture to hide the erection I felt coming,
which I'm sure she picked up on. I told her that the Buddhist practice of
detachment and non-indulgence was useful for certain people at certain
points in their life, and that I was still working on the thorny issue which I
had to resolve for myself.
" The word yoga means literally to join or yoke together; I had in mind tantric Yoga.
™ In the science of Yoga, the dormant spiritual conscious force which lies at the base of the spine and which is aroused
through certain Yoga practices; to be explained more, later.
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She enticingly invited me to come to their hut near the pond to smoke a
joint and celebrate the joy of life with them that night. Evidently their
threesome was a bit lopsided and this chick was the loneliest of the trio. I
realized that latent sexual desire was indeed in me as I could feel it burning
in my gonads and lurking in the back of my mind. Not wanting to appear
too eager about the prospect, I replied casually that I would perhaps come
over and join them after my evening mediation. She then joyously jumped
up and said, "OK, see ya later". Needless to say, that sunset meditation
period was interrupted and foiled by recurring thoughts on the matter.
Knowing the desire was there, I was now in a quandary as to what
therapy to apply. I had taken refuge in the Buddha and his precious
Dhamma Wisdom and only just now heard about Rajneesh with his radical
Tantric methods. Both ways had their own logical basis and appeal but I
was still basically a beginner in terms of having effective control over my
old habit desires. However, I wanted to remain open to learn new things
which is the way I felt we learn for ourself. So I decided that if the
opportunity came up to engage in a sexual encounter with one the female
sannyassins, I might just take it up but I would not deliberately waste time
and mental energy scheming on it.
Just before dark a camp fire was lit in front to the trio's hut. Shortly
thereafter I donned my orange waistcloth and sauntered over. The guy was
busy rolling up a big fat European joint complete with tobacco while the
scantily clad girls were preparing a potful of milk coffee over the wood fire
which they would pour into a thermos to save for later. We exchanged
greetings and I sat down around the fire as they finished their busy work. I
had decided beforehand that I would smoke a joint with them if offered and
go with the flow of whatever happened without having second thoughts or
guilt feelings. When they got settled down I was handed the joint to light
up, as I was the guest. I reluctantly accepted and to fit in with all this quasi-
holiness I ceremoniously lit it with a big "Bom Shiva, Bom Shankar."
Surprisingly, I got pretty stoned off the few tokes I took and without the
adverse effects of the tobacco that I had experienced previously.
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The four of us continued to sit around the fire chatting for quite a while
into the night and drank the coffee made for this purpose. As the campfire
died out thoughts of having sex with Grita, the youngest, and the one I'd
taught the yoga to, occupied my mind. And, as if reading my mind, she
suggested to me that we go for a walk together on the beach. I was ready
for some fresh air and knowing her probable motive, I readily agreed. The
other two, who were something like boyfriend and girlfriend, were going
their own separate way.
At the far end of the beach we sat down on the sand to gaze at the stars on
this warm night. Without wasting much time Grita made the first offensive
advances on me to which I openly submitted and reciprocated. Barring
details, we passionately explored each other leading to the final
consummation. I could feel a great surge of lustful energy being released
from inside of me and tried to exhaust it as much as possible. At the same
time, however, I was not really enjoying it as such but more just letting the
pent up urges out. I tried to keep the experience on an objective level with
as much detachment as I could maintain though I wasn't always successful.
Grita was hard to satisfy as she had been having more experience during
her two months at the ashram. I was tired and somewhat bored after the first
round and did not especially care to go on. But as I was doing this primarily
as an experiment to discover and hopefully wear out deep rooted latent
sexual desire, I conceded to her unsatisfied desires, wishing to eradicate any
residual traces.
After a brief rest to rekindle my vital forces, I managed to more or less
force myself through two more rounds, following which I was thoroughly
depleted and largely disgusted with the whole affair. I wondered if this was
an indication of whether I had licked the entire problem once and for all. At
least I figured that this would be enough for quite a long time and that the
Theravada vipassana technique would be effective for dealing with any
residue. For the next two days, until Grita and her two companions left I
avoided socializing with them for fear of being lured or tempted again.
By the third week, I had become quite proficient at the yoga exercises and
could feel the benefits in terms of increased sense of lightness, energy and
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general well-being. This was no doubt augmented and boosted by the light,
limited yogic diet of fresh fruit and raw vegetables I had faithfully
maintained. Both of these factors aided my ability to concentrate during
meditation and overcome most of the inner hindrances and other
disturbances. I was able to reach and maintain a satisfy ingly high, steady
state of mind, similar to that which I experienced during the latter days of
the Goenka course.
In this last week two Austrian guys arrived and took up dwelling in one of
the shelters on the opposite side of the pond. They were also interested in
learning yoga and spiritual things and came to talk with me. We became
friendly and they invited me on a couple evenings to come to their camp to
share a meal of chapattis and boiled vegetables which they prepared over a
wood fire. On these occasions I broke the one meal routine and ate this little
bit, thinking to be compassionately sociable and perhaps out of the lure for
fresh chapattis. They were new to Eastern Dhamma teachings and began to
kind of regard me as somebody who was experienced in these matters.
Because I wore an orange cloth, lived alone practicing yoga and meditation,
ate only one light meal a day, I must have presented that kind of image.
I explained to them what I knew about the various approaches to
Dhamma and they requested me to instruct them in yoga and meditation. So
in the morning and evening I showed them several of the yoga exercises
and gave them the basic instruction in the anapanasati breath awareness,
something to get them started. They were eager and sincere learners as I
had been and it felt good sharing the little I knew. It developed into sort of a
big brother/spiritual friend relationship from which both sides seemed to
mutually benefit. I had to be careful, however, in checking the tendency to
put on a false front, pretending to know more than I did. In those
circumstances it could have been easy to fall into the ego trip and trap of
playing the guru, being "Mr. Spiritual".
The two Austrians were also planning to attend the full moon party at
Anjuna Beach but were going back there a few days earlier. I had already
decided that I would go to Anjuna only on the day before the full moon, but
we hoped to meet there. I did not really have the desire or purpose to
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personally, wantonly indulge in the wild orgy but I had made up my mind
to be in the vicinity if only to observe from a distance. This would
hopefully satisfy and erase the long standing fantasy and expectation which
had been faintly lingering in the back of my mind since leaving
Amsterdam. I figured this would be in keeping with Rajneesh's philosophy.
I also had a residual inclination for ingesting psychedelics that night if the
opportunity presented itself. I had heard that lots of LSD somehow
appeared during these parties. If you don't find it first, it usually finds you.
I wondered if it might help reveal something deeper or expand the mind,
which was now oriented to spiritual horizons.
On the day before the full moon after the early morning routine and
taking a swim, I prepared to depart. I felt almost reluctant to leave this little
piece of untrammeled paradise. The spot had served its purpose well for
me, and now I would leave its unspoiled beauty and charm to others who
would come behind. On the beach, with my knapsack on my back, I paused
to take one last nostalgic scan across the pond and magic valley and set out
around the rocky point. I had decided to walk to Anjuna. This entailed
walking south along the coastline for about ten miles which included
fording an inlet and taking a rowboat ferry across the wide Chapora River.
On the other side in Chapora village, I rested in a cafe for a cool soft drink
and some tasty Indian sweets. This was a treat because of my long
abstinence and I could see the old desires arise, but I temporarily sided with
Bhagwan against suppression and indulged.
Anjuna was still another two miles or so via a footpath over a hill which
passed through a couple clusters of houses and restaurants catering to
freaks. Here, I bumped into another very familiar face — Ronald. We were
both surprised to see each other and I paused to speak with him. His arm
was in a cast and he quickly related his sad story. While stoned on heroin,
that he was now hooked on, he had stumbled over some rocks and fallen on
top of the arm fracturing it. He had traveled from Nepal to Calcutta and
down the east coast to Puri with a French female junkie. She was the one
who got him started on the nasty habit. In Puri she somehow ripped off his
passport and money and absconded, taking all their heroin stash as well,
leaving him in a pitiful situation. Since then he had made his way to Goa by
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panhandling from other tourists, as was the fate of many western junkies in
India. From his run down, haggard appearance and demeanor Ron seemed
to be rapidly metamorphosing into another victim of the Asian drug scene.
He very bluntly asked me to give him some money as if I owned it to
him. Because I felt pity for him and maybe even having a residue of guilt, I
gave him fifty rupees. This was an opportunity to practice charity as an
aspect of my Dhamma practice. I had spent practically nothing during the
last three weeks and could well afford to part with it. I didn't bother to tell
him of my own travels since Nepal as he did not ask. I did mention I was on
the way to Ceylon but he didn't seem interested to hear. Upon handing over
the money he hurriedly went off, presumably to score a badly needed fix. I
reflected again on the accumulated kamma each person has and the various
directions it can take one in his or her life, each being wholly unique in that
respect. I flashed on the perfect human birth and counted my blessings.
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CHAPTER f3
FULL MOON PARTY AT AN/UNA BEACH
With a sense of expectation I arrived at Anjuna beach to behold the
world's largest international nudist colony. Hundreds of tanned bare bodies
laying, sitting and walking all along the wide sandy beach bordered by an
army of tall swaying palms. Not wanting to appear 'square' I tugged off the
orange waist cloth, slung it over my shoulder sauntered down the long
beach checking out the whole scene. Here and there groups of people were
smoking chillums and I even saw a couple copulating right out in the open.
There were thatched huts at intervals serving as restaurants as the one at
Arambol lake. Near the far end at the base of a cliff I rested from the long
day's journey. As I was sitting there my attention was drawn to a familiar
face. A guy who was laying face prone nearby sat up and looked around.
As if magnetically pulled we both looked at each other with simultaneous
recognition. It was Martin, an American that we had met and partied with in
Morocco more than a year ago. I easily remembered him with his
conspicuous long fluffy red hair and big bushy beard. Because of my
radical change in appearance without my long blonde hair it took his
memory a few seconds to match up my face with my name. We quickly got
together and began relating our individual experiences during the past year
and enquiring about the whereabouts of the other's former traveling
companions. Martin and his friend Bill had also come overland to India
through Afghanistan, gone to Manali and other places in India before
ending up here at Anjuna beach. They had been here two months already.
They had a little camp spot inside a big clump of bushes nearby. And they
had picked up two good looking female traveling companions. I related to
him my conversion to a meditative lifestyle and having more or less
dropped off using dope. I briefly described how meditation could help the
mind lose its dependence for getting high with drugs and could eventually
reach a state of constant highness, though I personally had not reached that
level. Martin replied that it sounded interesting but he was not yet ready for
the kind of commitment and discipline he imagined it would take. He was
still enjoying staying stoned most of the time. He had already been at
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Anjuna for the last two full moon parties. He described the wild scene as I
had heard it before, with everyone tripping on psychedelics and the stereo
rock music blaring from big speakers. I told him that is why I had come, to
experience it firsthand for myself.
Martin invited me to stay that night with him and Bill and their two
blonde friends but I politely declined. I did not want to put a damper on
their fun and games with their girlfriends and I preferred to sleep out on the
open beach under the stars anyway. I did, however, go inside the cozy bush
camp to say 'Hi' to Bill and meet their lady friends. Bill, of course was
surprised to see me and we chatted awhile. He enquired if I would like to
smoke a reunion chillum, but I told him I'd take a rain check. Not having
eaten since morning I was hungry and wished to get something to eat. I left
my pack with them and took off to reconnoiter the area. There were a
number of thatched hut teashop/restaurants on the beach which served tea,
soft drinks, fried potatoes, vegetable and fruit salads and curd. I went into
the nearest one to eat a vegetable salad topped off by a fruit salad with curd.
It was quite delicious and hit the spot. Inland a short distance via a sandy
footpath and among towering coconut trees were many houses, huts and
businesses catering to the large transient and semi permanent hippie
population. Many foreigners rented houses from the locals and lived here
the whole winter season from October to April. Further on was the tiny
village of Anjuna which sported a post office, a bus halt, bicycle rental
shops, and a few small shops to buy basic supplies. Two miles away was
the large village of Mapusa where most of the resident housekeeping
hippies came to do their shopping at the weekly market on Saturday. From
Mapusa buses could be taken to most points in Goa. This is where I would
come in a couple of days to catch a bus southwards out of Goa.
That evening at sunset I gave in to Martin's and Bill's invitation to smoke
a chillum for old time's sake in memory of our ole buddies Barry, Larry
and Fred. Without feeling guilty, I got quite stoned on the black Afghani
hash they had and enjoyed it. Shortly afterwards the sound of a guitar and
singing came from about one hundred yards away near the teashop. People
were beginning to straggle over in that direction as if lead by a pied-piper.
Martin informed me that it was the nightly free feed and sing-along revival
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put on each evening by a group of Born Again Christians (Jesus Freaks).
About ten of them, all Westerners, lived in a house on the south side of the
rocky bluffs about a twenty minute walk away. They used the house as a
convenient base to launch their Bible thumping crusade into the 'den of
iniquity' around the corner (Anjuna Beach). Each night the group cooked
up a big pot of food, usually soup or stew of some kind with rice and
chapattis and freely offered it to all who gathered around. While preparing
the food a few of the members played guitars and led a spiritual sing-along
and encouraged everyone to join in. Just for the fun of it I strolled over and
sat down in a cross-legged position as if to meditate. I was still feeling the
effects of the chillum and was content to simply sit with my eyes closed
listening to the folk-type singing while feeling my body and breathing.
I especially enjoyed on song which went something like, "You must be
like a tiny baby to get into the kingdom of heaven." On hearing these words
I opened my eyes to see one of the female group members holding a baby
in her arms and swaying from side to side. The tiny tot looked so pure and
innocent with a big busting smile and laugh from his cute little face. I
interpreted the words of the song according to my Buddhist understanding.
In the first year of a baby's life it is without conscious self-centeredness,
hatred, prejudices, and conditionings of normal life, which are thrust upon
him or her when growing up in society. Therefore we have to return to this
childlike state of innocence; the mind must be purified of the self-
cherishing ego and the mental poisons in order to realize the state of true
mental freedom or Nibbana. This I equated with the "Kingdom of Heaven
within you". I tried to listen to all the songs in this liberal manner, not
taking words like Jesus, God, sin, heaven, salvation, etcetera in the usual
Christian dogmatic sense. I read or felt between the lines as it were. I felt no
need to sing as I was contemplating on the deeper meaning which I thought
was more important. I aroused joyful ecstatic feelings in myself in this way
while sitting quietly for about thirty minutes. It was humorous to note that
most of the skimpily clad freaks showed up just before the chow was dished
out, therefore avoiding the gung-ho revival and departed quickly after
eating. Though I had eaten only a couple of hours earlier I couldn't resist
the more substantial meal of rice and vegetable stew which I believed
would do my skinny body good. Afterwards the group members distributed
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themselves among the remaining people to talk on a one to one basis.
Having had the experience with the Jesus Freaks in Palm Springs I knew
what to expect. But wishing to be polite in deference to their generous
hospitality and feeling more confident to talk with them with my newfound
Dhamma knowledge, I stood my ground while most of the other hippies
split. One of the male members sat down beside me and asked if I believed
in Jesus Christ. I replied, "Yes, I believe that he was a great Bodhisattva
and Enlightened being." This guy gave me a puzzled look and said, "But do
you accept him as the son of God and as your personal savior?" To this I
responded, that if a person follows the teachings and example of Jesus, such
as renunciation, self-sacrifice and love for all, one could save himself or
herself through those thoughts and actions alone; this would be in effect
accepting him as one's savior. This caused the fellow some consternation
and he quickly pulled out his Bible to begin refuting me by quoting the
following passages: "I am the Truth, the Light and the Way; No man gets to
God in Heaven except by me; I and the Father are One." He stressed that
we cannot attain salvation by merely our own efforts, no matter how pure
we think we are. I tried to explain to him that Jesus said, "The Kingdom of
Heaven is within you", so therefore we should be able to find it for ourself
through meditation. I added that the Buddha had said many of the same
things but used different language. Before I could even finish he butted in
to refute me again with more witty Bible passages. He retorted that immoral
man cannot discover or reach Heaven by his own strength; meditation was
of no avail in this serious matter of salvation.
I could have gone on contesting this guy, but I knew from previous
experience that I would be wasting my breath and simply kept quiet. After a
little more Bible thumping rhetoric he came to the conclusion that I was not
convertible at that time. He wound up his efforts by advising me to think
about it seriously and accept Jesus Christ before it was too late. I thanked
him and told him that I would think about it. He then got up to search out
another 'lost soul'.
After stopping by Martin's camp to pick up my rucksack I went down the
beach away from everyone else. I sat for a period of sweeping meditation to
feel the flow of impermanence in and around me and closed with a short
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metta radiation before stretching out on the warm sand under the infinite
firmament. I awoke before dawn and sat for an hour meditation followed by
some yoga exercises. Just as I was finishing up, planning to have a dip, a
male and female came walking towards me across the sand. They were
stark naked except for a cloth slung over their shoulders and a mala around
their necks; the guy carried a long narrow, double ended drum. They came
right up to me while I was still sitting on my laid out bedroll and asked if I
might care to assist them. I then noticed the familiar picture of Bhagwan
Sree Rajneesh attached to the bottom of their malas, which I had seen on
Grita and her friends at Arambol Lake. This couple were also Germans and
followers of Rajneesh. They explained that they were going to do a form of
"chaotic meditation" which was accompanied by a drumbeat. All I had to
do was beat the drum slowly at first and gradually speed up the beating in
harmony with their bodily movements. They would be standing and moving
about most of the time and then collapse on the sand which would signal
the end of the active part and to stop the drumming. I told them that I had
no prior experience with this sort of thing but I would do my best to oblige
them. The guy handed me the long drum and said to just beat it as the
feeling or rhythm came out of me naturally while keeping in tune with their
movements. I positioned it lengthwise across my lap in the cross-legged
posture while they removed their malas and placed them on top of the
cloths which they had laid upon the sand.
I began beating the drum slowly as instructed as the two of them
commenced breathing forcefully in and out. Then they started shouting
"Hoo" over and over again. By and by they began swaying their naked
bodies to and fro in all directions each in their own way and I synchronized
the drumbeat with their increased momentum. As the whole thing picked up
speed they began jumping up and down flinging their arms and head all
about, falling to their knees and pounding the sand with their fists, shouting,
cursing and really just freaking out, letting it all hang out, as the saying
goes. I did not know what to make of all these spontaneous antics and
gyrations but I was getting a 'contact high' from them and becoming
intently absorbed in my supporting function. It was as though all three of us
were unconsciously tuned into each other. I could not tell if they were
following the beat of the drum or the drumming was following their
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movements, it seemed to be happening under its own power; I was no
longer consciously controlling the hands doing the beating. It was as though
we were being carried away by some mysterious force in an ecstatic frenzy,
and I could sense it building up to a natural climax.
After about fifteen minutes this crescendo came to a head, a climatic
point where the three of us abruptly stopped simultaneously. As I made the
last accented beat the two near hysterical bodies froze in their tracks and
quietly sank limply onto the soft sand and lay motionless. Having exerted a
lot of energy myself I likewise went limp allowing the drum to roll off my
legs and I laid out in the sand. The gentle rays of the early morning sun
compassionately bathed our fatigued, depleted bodies. My mind was quiet,
suffused in its own inner glow and peacefulness. The whole body /mind
organism felt to be rejuvenating itself from the inside and outside. It was a
beautiful feeling of being completely in harmony with all the laws of nature
within and without. The three of remained in this meditative relaxation for
about fifteen minutes before slowly regaining normal active consciousness.
The couple thanked me for my mutual participation and said they could feel
my positive vibrations throughout. I replied, "It was my pleasure." We then
ran and jumped into the sea for an invigorating swim out beyond the surf.
This German couple had been living at the same ashram here at Anjuna
which Grita and her two friends had been at. In fact they knew each other.
They explained to me that this "chaotic meditation" was something akin to
primal scream therapy designed to vent all of one's pent up emotions or
childhood traumas. According to their Guru, Rajneesh, this is done in order
to first release the gross physical and mental tensions or obstructions before
undertaking the more conventional passive kinds of meditation. This
chaotic meditation was the primary practice in which everyone living in the
ashram participated in every morning. They repeated some of Rajneesh 's
basic Tantric philosophy which Grita had explained and described the
'Tantric room' at their ashram. They said there were used books by
Rajneesh for sale in the ashram and invited me to come by for a look if I
was interested. They then got up and departed in the direction from which
they had come.
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I carried my belongings back to the bush camp where Martin invited me
to partake of a big pot of fruit porridge the gals were preparing on their one
burner gas cooker. I related to them the early morning episode with the
chaotic meditation. Martin gave a chuckle and explained that the Rajneesh
freaks came to that deserted stretch of the beach quite often to do their,
"jumping up and down", as he called it. He said these beaches offered an
ideal location to practice their chaotic meditation, indulge in free sex and
smoke their brains out if that was what they needed. He said that female
neo-sannyassins were well known for their promiscuity and easy game for
any guy, sannyassin brother or not, who desired a free, unattached roll in
the sand. Because Martin had been here three months he knew about their
overt activities. He himself was not too impressed and thought they were a
bit weird, along with the Jesus freaks.
After the nourishing breakfast I took a long walk in my 'birthday suit' to
the north end of the beach, jumping into the sea a few times along the way.
It felt natural and wonderful to freely roam in the raw without having to
hide or feel shameful about what nature has given us. It was a beautiful
sight to see all these people from around the world meeting and
intermingling, leaving behind their accumulated complexes and getting
back to grass roots. On returning I bumped into another familiar face. It was
Antonio, a Spanish long hair whom I had met way back on Gomera and
again in Kabul with his new traveling partner named, Pablo. Antonio
invited me to smoke a chillum with them at their small thatched hut nearby.
I had no real desire to smoke because I was already feeling pleasantly and
naturally high. But I suppose due to old conditioning and social instinct, I
reluctantly accepted and we went up to their hut. Antonio prepared a big
chillum using Manali hash and a large quantity of tobacco, the latter to
which I was very sensitive. After two tokes I became queasy and feeling
like I would become sick to the stomach. But not wanting to 'smoke and
run' I endured the nauseous discomfort for a few more minutes until I felt I
couldn't hold it any longer. Then I hurriedly thanked them, said good-bye
and ducked outside to breathe fresh air. That seemed to do the trick. Upon
walking it off I began feeling better, but my head was not as clear and
cheerful as before. I cursed myself for being so stupid and giving in against
my better judgment. I chalked it up to being that strong unconscious latent
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force of habit which can bully around and triumph over the best of one's
good intentions. I also thought it might be telling me something — to
strengthen my resolve and quit the nasty habit once and for all. I flashed on
what I had heard about Rajneesh's Tantric philosophy of indulging until
you realize the futility or emptiness of a habit or until becoming sick or
OD'ing 77 . Going that far might be a strong enough shock therapy so that the
desire, urge or habit simply falls away by itself.
I then strolled into the tiny village of Anjuna to visit the small Rajneesh
center. I was met by the German guy from the morning beach session who
showed me around the multi-room house. In the main reception room were
several framed pictures of their beloved Guru in various poses which I
gazed at for a few moments. Except for his balding head he fit in with the
stereotype image of an Indian Yogi/Guru. His white robes, graying/white
hair and beard, serene facial expression and penetrating eyes gave an air of
mystic about him, hinting at some underlying profound wisdom/realization.
In a corner on a table were a number of used books for sale and I looked
through a few which caught my eye. The titles were: From Sex to Super
Consciousness and the Book of Secrets, both by Rajneesh. A third book
was, The Way of Zen, by Alan Watts, an English ex-clergyman turned Zen
exponent. I had heard about Zen, a school of Japanese Mahayana Buddhism
and was curious to read more about it. The books were quite worn, showing
signs of much use and the price was cheap. I decided to buy the first two
mentioned and leave The Book of Secrets, which was too thick and heavy
to lug around. I figured these would be useful reading material on my
upcoming travels south. The German guy also pointed out the 'Tantra
room' that was reserved for persons having strong sexual urges, which
according to their Guru needed to be let out. Obliging partners could almost
always be found.
All this emphasis on sex seemed overly exaggerated to me. I did not have
the kind of overt persistent obsession with sex that Rajneesh and his
'orange people' and others, for that matter, were so concerned about. Of
course, I still had some sexual desire as was evident from my relationship
■*■-* OD'ing: Overdosing. (Noted by Dhammavamsa, October 2004)
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with Gail and the more recent experiences with Linda on Skyros and Grita.
Sure, I had the occasional short-lived lustful thought usually triggered off
upon seeing a voluptuous western chick or beautiful Indian women. And I
had the infrequent erotic dream which ended in nocturnal emission. But
otherwise, I did not think about sex very much nor was I consciously
occupied with it. While meditating, if a thought of lust arose I would try
and ignore it or saw it as being, Anicca, just a fleeting programmed habit
reflex in the mind which comes and goes due to appropriate stimulation.
Admittedly, these are manifestations of latent desire and deeply rooted
instincts which most ordinary young healthy men and women have from
time to time. In my case, whether these were indications of subconscious
repression or suppression, I did not know. I did not consider the matter in
that light. Maybe this book, From Sex to Super Consciousness, would
enlighten me further on the subject. Now it was getting time to prepare for
the full moon party. People were busy preparing the site by setting up the
tape player and big speakers on wooden platforms on the sand about two
hundred yards from Martin's camp.
At sunset I sat on a mound of sand nearby in the difficult lotus posture
and began doing some deep rhythmic breathing to get the energy flowing. I
contemplated the image of being a perfect yogi and tried to feel the prana
life force coming in with the breath and filling up my body. This was a
good way of getting a high feeling because of all the oxygen that
invigorates the blood and stimulates the brain. As I was really getting into
it, I heard the first sounds of the evening's rock music. A few minutes later
a long haired freak wearing only a G-string and toting a shoulder bag
appeared in front of me. He had a big grin on his bearded face and held out
a tiny piece of paper to me saying, "happy trails." He had appeared so
suddenly out of the clear blue that I was dumbstruck, and could not say
anything to thank him; it did not even seem necessary. I lost sense of time
and orientation for a few moments and before I knew it, I had swallowed
the paper acid trip and the guy seemed to vanish into thin air in the way he
had come.
I almost could not believe what had happened and I did not really try to
figure it out. I was soon getting off on the acid and was losing the solid
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feeling of being in the body, feeling like only a bag of air. The music
sounded magical as if it was dancing lightly over the air waves and the sky
was splashed with pastel colors which held me rapt for some time. The
deep breathing I had been consciously regulating was now continuing under
its own power. The whole body was tingling and pulsating with a subtle
energy, really coming alive, though there was no definite body shape. I
could not deliberately form any thoughts and the ego's influence was
largely in abeyance. I could not even voluntarily move the body. My whole
individual physical existence was becoming very tenuous; it was uncanny
but at the same time very beautiful.
After what might have been thirty minutes, I was aroused by the distinct,
familiar music of Led Zepplin. This had been one of my favorite acid rock
groups and now those associated memories motivated me. Somehow I
managed to bring myself back into bodily control sufficiently enough to
stand up, with the intention of walking in the direction of the alluring
sounds. The shoulder bag with my valuables and the orange waist cloth that
was hanging over my shoulder felt a burden and even ridiculous. I did not
know what to do with them and almost dropped them to the sand to be rid
of the nuisance. But then a flash of worldly reason reminded me of the
bothersome reality. So I stuffed the cloth into the bag and carried it along as
I glided lightly and effortlessly over the sand as if in slow motion.
It was dark but the party site was lit up by several campfires and lamps.
Many people were already roaming around and assembled in the vicinity.
As I got closer the music grew louder in my ears but it was not disturbing.
At the edge of the main center of action, where the light was not so bright, I
halted. It was an effort to keep the body standing and I let it sink to the soft
sand, arranging the body into a relaxed cross-legged position, and just left it
there to sit by itself as it were. The burden of the T centered, reactive mind
was absent and what basically remained was a spacious state of awareness
that belonged to nobody in particular, although a faint trace of T floated
around somewhere in the remote background. Quite a few freaks were
wildly dancing writhing their naked bodies to the driving beat of the loud
electronic music.
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In the course of the night I heard such appropriate golden oldies as The
Doors — 'Light My Fire'; Jefferson Airplane — The Moody Blues — 'In
Search of the Lost Chord'; The Beatles — ' Magical Mystery Tour"; Jimi
Hendrix — 'Are You Experienced''; and Led Zepplin — 'Stairway to
Heaven'. Evidently some experienced head was monitoring the party's
vibes and selecting the albums accordingly. Hearing these nostalgic classics
at this time with this sensitive expanded awareness was quite moving. I was
able to detect, relate to and appreciate the esoteric meaning of these songs
in a very intimate way, deeper than I had before. Though I had heard all
these before on many previous occasions when stoned on psychedelics, I
seldom had been in a state of mind detached and calm enough to listen
word by word to comprehend the full meaning in a spiritual way. Or if I
did, it was with no firm intellectual background in metaphysical or spiritual
matters, nor genuine feeling, so that the impact was superficial. All along I
had figured these tunes were speaking about something beyond normal
vision, but for the most part they remained just far-out, psychedelic, mind-
blowing songs which characterized the hippie generation.
Besides the dancers, there were many small groups of people sitting
together, most of them smoking chillums — "Bom Shiva, Bom Shankar"
was heard here and there. I was sitting about five feet away from the nearest
group and someone held out a chillum to me thinking perhaps I was lonely
sitting there by myself. But in my experience that was farthest from the
truth; I didn't need anything at this point. It felt like the awareness/life force
that was in me was the same that energized the wild dancers, went in and
out of all the chillums and the people smoking them and just everywhere
electrifying the air. The awareness I was experiencing was merged or part
and parcel of the whole scene, the cosmic dance of life. It was a kind of
beatific vision and the highest, most expanded state of consciousness I had
ever experienced.
This peak experience lasted for some time. When I was gradually able to
form thoughts again, I wondered if that might be what the state of
Enlightenment was like. I could not imagine Nibbana being any freer or
better, except for being a permanent state. I felt that because I had been
practicing mediation and yoga with my major interest oriented in this
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direction, the acid helped allow me to go deeper into it. I knew I would
come down but enjoyed it while it lasted without attachment, just being
there in the present moment. This profound experience convinced me of the
possibility and reality which could be achieved by spiritual or Dhamma
practice; it 'put the icing on the cake' as the saying goes; it removed any
trace of lingering doubt, if there was any, about the efficacy of such
practices to achieve it. It reconfirmed my commitment to continue the way I
was to achieve this state or something similar on my own naturally. I felt I
would no longer have recourse for taking such drugs again to prove any
point or try to get higher.
When the peak experience began to wear off around midnight, the idea
arose to take a walk out on the beach under the bright moonlight. The
sparking water was very inviting and I waded in to get the feel of it. It was
a weird sensation of being barely able to distinguish the dividing point or
separation line between the water and the body. The water seemed to pass
right through the transparent, substanceless body outline. I had to warn
myself not to become too carried away and lose rational contact with
ordinary reality. I took caution in the water not to accidentally drown, and
come out after a few minutes.
At some point I heard some shouting, "Joseph, Joseph 72 ," and turned to
see the two Austrian fellows. They had also ingested some acid and had
gotten quite high and spaced-out. They had been looking for me to ask
questions about their strange experiences, as this was their first trip on
psychedelics. One of them related how the feeling of his body had
disappeared and he lost orientation to time and space; he became quite
frightened that he might not be able to return into his body or that he might
even die or lose his mind. The other boy did not have such a strong
personal experience, but the fear and near freak out of his buddy rubbed off
on him. By now they had both calmed down as the effects of the drug wore
off. They wanted me to explain the experience, thinking I might know.
Being myself still in mental outer space, I was not in a position to formulate
any coherent thought about it. All I managed to finally utter was, "It's all
^ The name I was going by since leaving Gomera; my actual middle name.
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emptiness; it's all illusion; and it's all in the mind," repeating it two or three
times to my own astonishment.
The moon was near the end of its descending arch across the sky when
the music finally ended. About twenty other odd persons remained awake
throughout the night, walking on the beach, swimming, balling, (in the case
of couples), or just laying in the sand too zonked to move. I spent this time
sitting or laying in the sand or strolling near the shoreline; I reflected on the
past, present and future in respect to kamma, how each person is on his/her
own individual trip to evolve or devolve in the process of samsara. After
watching the moon sink into the ocean, I plunged into the sea for a
refreshing morning swim and waited for the sun to rise above the trees to
soak up the warm rays and soothe my wearied limbs, and dozed off awhile.
I did not try to do any formal sitting meditation or yoga as I was still too
spaced for such endeavors. Anyway the entire night had been a meditation
period as far as I was concerned.
The following day I bade farewell to the hippie scene at Anjuna beach
and continued my southward journey towards the horn of India. I followed
the coastal route through Kerala riding local buses, stopping in the late
afternoons to find a beach. In this way I could continue my evening and
morning meditations and yoga exercises and a have free place to sleep.
One afternoon a strange incident occurred as I was entering a small
village bordering the beach. I saw several men up ahead on the path
suspiciously watching me as I approached. As I got nearer I noticed them
talking amongst themselves and throwing me unfriendly looks, while
calling other village men over to join them in the growing group. I did not
know quite what to make of it and kept on walking until they stood
blocking the path in front of me. They began shouting at me in their native
tongue which of course, I couldn't understand. They pointed to the pack on
my back, which it seems, they wanted me to open to show them the
contents. I became somewhat uneasy and tried to ignore the men by
walking around them but by now I was encircled and some of the men
started grabbing at the back pack and shoving me. I couldn't make heads or
tails of their strange menacing behavior and was getting downright scared.
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Evidently they were quite concerned with what I might have inside the pack
as they kept poking at it. I finally decided to take it off and open it for them
to satisfy their feverish curiosity. The angry ringleader of the group rifled
through the contents but did not find what he was apparently searching for,
and the group then began to calm down.
At this time a young well dressed man who spoke English came to my
rescue. I asked him what in the heck that scene was all about and he
questioned the men. It seems that the village men had taken me to be a
rogue sadhu, as I was wearing the orange cloth along with my bushy beard.
In these parts child stealing was not uncommon especially by wandering
vagrants posing as holy men or sadhus, which they had mistakenly taken
me for. They thought I might have a baby or small child in the backpack
that I was trying to kidnap. This was too much; I could not believe my ears
that those simple minded villagers actually thought I could have a child
stuffed into the small pack and have the gall to walk right up to them in
broad daylight. It was absurd to say the least. I could not help but have
compassion and pity for them who had to live in such fear and suspicion.
The young man invited me to come to his house not far away. He was
very sorry for my inconvenience and rude conduct of his fellow
countrymen and he insisted that I should spend the night with him to
recuperate from this hair-raising experience. It was already about 4 P.M.
and I felt I could use or even perhaps deserved a kind offer like that and
gratefully accepted. The guy's name was Dinesh and he lived in a modest
house, by Indian standards, with his aging mother, younger brother and two
teenage sisters. Dinesh was a professional singer and performed
occasionally in nightclubs and other functions in the towns and cities in
Kerala. He even had a few records to his credit. He was happy to hear that I
practiced yoga and meditation and he mentioned that his father had also
been a yoga enthusiast before he passed away a few years earlier. In India it
is usually someone's relative or friend that practiced such spiritual
disciplines, rarely the person you actually met. There was a well in the back
of the house and Dinesh suggested I take a good old bucket bath and he
provided me with soap and a towel. I had not had a proper bath with soap
and fresh water for some time and gladly took advantage of this
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opportunity, indulging with many bucketfuls of cool fresh water and
scrubbing the body clean.
That evening I dined with my host on a sumptuous meal of rice, dhal, a
few different vegetable curries, chapattis and curd with bananas for desert,
all graciously served by his mother and sisters. Later in the evening Dinesh
took me to a village carnival cum annual religious festival, that was
happening all that week. It was complete with caparisoned elephant,
colored lights and blaring music, game booths, food stalls and throngs of
people from all the neighboring villages. Dinesh went primarily to visit
with some of his friends to whom he introduced me as the 'American yogi'.
After thirty minutes of walking around and being stared at, I became bored
with the whole thing and persuaded Dinesh to return home with me. It was
interesting, however, to see how rural Indian folks entertained themselves. I
amused myself by speculating how these deprived people would react to
seeing the Ringling Bros Circus or some such really fantastic spectacle.
By noon the next day I reached land's end at Cape Comorin. The Hindu
name for the tip of India is Kanyakumari, meaning Virgin Goddess. There
is a big Hindu Temple there where devotees come to worship the virgin
goddess who in Hindu mythology later became Parvati, the wife of Lord
Shiva. This is not the only reason why tourists come here. It is also a unique
spot from where one can see, on the full moon evening, the sun set and the
moon rise over the water at the same time. It is a favorite for Indian
newlyweds on their honeymoon. Here at the tip of India is the confluence
of three great bodies of water, the Indian Ocean, the Arabian Sea and the
Bay of Bengal. A few hundred yards offshore is a small rocky island upon
which sits the Swami Vivekananda Memorial. Swami Vivekananda is one
of India's more recent illustrious sons, famous for being the first Indian to
introduce Eastern religious thought in the West. He represented Hinduism
and India at the World Pariament of Religions which was held in Chicago,
Illinois, way back in 1893 and he stressed the interrelatedness and tolerant
harmony between all religions. It was on the rocks surrounded by the three
great seas that Swami Vivekananda got the inspiration to attend the
auspicious convention and bring the Dhamma to the West. He was the
foremost disciple of the great saint, Paramahansa Ramakrishna, who
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attained Enlightenment realizing the essential nature behind all religions.
Swami Vivekananda started the Ramakrishna Mission in order to spread his
Guru's inspiring message of spiritual and religious unity. Today there are
Ramakrishna Missions all over the world.
I opted to stay in the hotel near the bus stand, mainly to have a safe place
to keep my pack while sightseeing. There was no other suitable place in the
vicinity to sleep, on or near the beach. The seaside area was all taken up
with the huge temple complex, a statue of Mahatma Gandhi, the boat
harbor and rocky shoreline. In the early afternoon I walked around and
checked out the whole area and went inside the temple. Inside there was a
bookstore selling the entire assortment of books put out by the Ramakrisha
Mission, most of them written by Swami Vivekananda. I spent some time
browsing through them and bought a couple small books that looked
interesting. One of them was entitled Raja Yoga written by the Swami,
which upon reading, I found very insightful and worthwhile reading. It
helped give me a deeper understanding into the entire scope of Yoga,
elucidating the various steps involved to achieve Moksha.
In the late afternoon, I took the short boat ride out to the rock memorial
where there is a well kept temple and impressive statue of Swami
Vivekananda. There is also a meditation room which I went into and sat for
a period of meditation. While sitting there in the lotus posture feeling or
imagining the powerful and holy vibrations, I was somewhat startled by
something that touched my knee. Upon opening my eyes slightly I beheld
an old woman who must have thought I was a sadhu or holy man. She had
crawled over to me and touched one knee with both her hands. This is a
customary act of devotion and respect accorded to gurus and saints in the
Hindu tradition. The pious old lady was also muttering some words which
probably had the same meaning as Sadhu. I did not move but kept sitting in
the perfect lotus posture, not wanting to spoil the woman's image of me
being in deep samadhi (absorbed concentration). When I went back outside
I spent some time at gazing due south across the dark blue Indian Ocean, on
the other side of which lay the south pole. It was indeed a special magnetic
place and I could easily see how Swami Vivekananda was attracted to these
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rocks and braved the treacherous water to swim out, meditate and ruminate
on reality.
Early the next morning, I began taking a series of buses that eventually
brought me to Rameswaram. Remeswaram is situated on an island about a
mile across from the tip of a long curved finger of land jutting out from the
Indian mainland. The Palk Straits separate India from Sri Lanka by
approximately thirty miles. The only way to get to the teardrop shaped
island of Sri Lanka, except by flying, was by boat from Rameswaram. The
old ferry, S. S. Ramanujan, made the round trip three times a week and it
was usually filled to capacity. The service originally commenced to ferry
back and repatriate the thousands of Tamils who had been living or
working in Ceylon in the central tea plantations or in the northern half of
the island. The convenient boat service was also used by the Buddhists of
Sri Lanka who make their pilgrimage to the Buddhist holy places in North
India, and by the many shoestring budget western travelers like myself who
traveled between India and Ceylon.
I arrived on the morning of the scheduled departure of the S. S.
Ramanujan hoping to secure passage for that day itself and proceeded
directly to the harbor ticketing office. As it turned out the boat was already
booked full and a mob of people were lined up at the entrance to the
customs/immigration building waiting to begin the exit formalities. I was
able to buy a lower deck third class ticket for the next sailing two days
hence and resigned myself to passing the time in this desert-like oasis. That
would be just two days before my visa expired. I walked back near the
railway station and checked into the Dhammsala or pilgrim's rest house
where I was allowed to keep my pack. I then spent the remainder of the day
exploring the town, temple and surrounding environs.
South of town, I noticed some giant sand dunes that rose above the entire
area. They struck me as being a possible ideal spot for doing yoga and
meditation in the mornings and evenings and even for sleeping out at night.
Before sunset, I fetched the pack from the Dhammsala, which was by now
chock-a-block full of people and found my way through the fisherman's
village to the base of the extensive sand mountains. On the way, I paused to
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buy the usual supply of bananas, peanuts and sweet bread and filled the
water bottle, in anticipation of staying out overnight. It took a good twenty
minutes to trudge up and over a few large sand hills to arrive at the summit
of the highest one which was also the closest to the sea. The view was
superb, overlooking the town, the boat harbor with its myriads of fishing
craft and all around. The refreshing gentle sea breeze blew over the area to
provide a pleasant respite from the humid heat. The only drawback was that
these deserted dunes, being relatively close to the fishing village below
were used as the public latrine. And this drew the infamous pigs sniffing
and snorting, acting as the clean up crew. With a little searching though I
found a clean area on the very top of the dune where I laid out my bedroll.
The sunset that evening was quite splendid as this spot afforded a three
hundred and sixty degree view of the horizon. As I did my yoga and
meditation, I had the sense of being totally alone, isolated and insignificant
amidst the ocean of sand. I imagined myself merely as one grain of sand
amongst the billions, alluding to my own and each person's individual
existence in the infinite ocean of Samsara. This feeling filled me with
indescribable joy and a kind of inner strength knowing that there was a way
of transcendence from the limitations and tribulations of the mundane
world.
The morning was especially beautiful with the sun rising over the eastern
seaboard. I did an extra long session of meditation beginning in the
predawn followed by yoga exercises with the sunrise over the watery
horizon and deeply breathing the cool fresh air. I had company with the
villagers who came to the giant sandbox for their morning call of nature
with the pigs trailing not far behind. It was probably a rare sight for the
villagers to see someone like me out here on this sand hill all alone and they
came close to gawk with curiosity. When it became uncomfortably hot by
about 8.30, 1 packed up and trudged back down into town to have breakfast
and pass the rest of the day.
In a cha shop, I met a clean shaven lanky Englishman who had just
arrived on a train from Madurai and was also bound for Ceylon. We talked
for a couple of hours over tea and snacks. He was travelling alone carrying
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a large backpack and had made his own journey down from the north and
had visited many of the same spots that I had. He was just beginning to take
up an interest in yoga and meditation though he had not yet received any
formal training nor did he practice on his own. I related to him my
experiences in meditation at Kopan, with Goenka and my private retreat at
Goa. Again, I had to be careful not to egotistically exaggerate too much.
This talk aroused his enthusiasm for actively pursuing his own practice.
I explained to Chris that my main purpose in going to Ceylon was to
further my own study of Buddhism and that I would be going to a particular
meditation center to learn and practice under an English speaking teacher.
He became keen on this and asked if he might travel along with me. He
thought if he went by himself he might get side-tracked and change his
mind before actually getting to the meditation center. This had already
happened to him when he was planning to take a Goenka course a few
months prior. He had no one with him for moral support while waiting for
the course to begin and he lost interest within that time, going off to satisfy
his wanderlust. He figured that if he stayed near my stronger influence he
would not be so easily detoured. I rather like the gangling fellow with the
cockney accent and, if it would help him in this regard, I had no objection,
and even encouraged him to accompany me in travelling to Colombo. Chris
had already checked into a cheap hotel for his overnight stay and I once
again went out to the sand dunes to take advantage of the fantastic view and
meditative environment.
In the morning I joined Chris for breakfast at a pre-determined restaurant
and then went together to the boat harbor. As I expected, the scene at the
customs shed was hectic like the previous pre- departure. Most of the loud,
line jumping, impatient people were Indians and Sri Lankans returning with
arm loads and great bundles of goods. At this time the socialist Government
of Sri Lanka was restricting imports and free world trade so that the natives
were starved for anything foreign or not easily obtainable in their country.
The most popular items being brought back home were bright colored
plastic tubs, buckets and sarees manufactured in India. Besides the majority
of South Asians, there were also another ten or fifteen western backpackers
making the short sea voyage to the "Resplendent Isle," as I saw it depicted
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on a travel poster. After about three hours we finished all the Exit
formalities and boarded the waiting ship.
During the three or four-hour voyage Chris and I met two Sinhalese chaps
who were brothers. They were outgoing friendly and spoke good English
and they initiated a lengthy conversation with us. When I mentioned my
involvement with Buddhism they were delighted and proudly stated that
they were "born Buddhists." I wondered how anyone could be born as a
Buddhist, but I guessed it was the same as people in the west who call
themselves born Christians. I would only learn the full implications of this
terminology later.
The Fernando brothers invited me and Chris to accompany them to
Negombo, about twenty miles north of Colombo, where they lived, to stay
in their house a few days to get acquainted with Sri Lanka customs. Though
it was a generous offer, I did not want to commit myself right off the bat.
From talks with others, I was planning to stop first at the ancient capital of
Lanka, Anuradhapura. There were extensive Buddhist ruins and an ancient
Bodhi-tree there that I wished to have a look at and pay my respects to. I
also desired to break into Ceylon casually and travel south leisurely to get a
feeling for the countryside and people. I did, however, take their address
and if we happened to pass by that way we would try to pay them a visit.
During the trip, I had a friendly chat with another Sri Lankan man who
invited me and Chris to come to meet a good Buddhist friend of his who
had a house in Colombo. He said the two of us could perhaps stay there free
of charge for a few days while in Colombo, and I wrote down the address
just in case. So, before we even touched down on the reputed friendly isle,
we already had two open invitations to hospitality. That seemed to be a
good start.
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Chapter 13: Full Moon Party at Anjuna Beach
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Chapter 14: Sri Lanka
CHAPTER 14
SRI LANKA
Sri Lanka has an interesting and unique history. According to the
historical chronicles the Buddha, before passing away, made a
pronouncement about the future of the island: that the Buddha Dhamma
would become fully established in
Lanka and Lanka would become
the guardian of the pure law. He
even asked the Hindu God Vishnu
to protect the island in this regard.
On the day the Buddha died an
Indian prince named Vijaya landed
on Lanka with six hundred men
with the mission to tame the
original natives inhabiting the
jungle forests and make it fit for
civilization and women were
brought to build up the population.
After some two hundred years
when the country was more or less
ready, the great King Asoka of
North India, who was an ardent follower of the Buddha's Teachings, sent
his son, the Arahat i5 Mahinda, to fulfil that prophecy and introduce
Buddhism on the island.
Kalpitiys.
Gulf R„
of ■ Puttalam
Mannar
Matale
Negomboi
Dshiwala- ©COLOMBO
Mt. L3vini3-y'Kolle
Moratuwa
.Kandy
Ratnapura
V
Batticaloa
.Badulla
,Galle ~ *Hambantota
Ever since that time Buddhism has remained the principal religion and
unifying force of the Sinhalese people, and they take pride in that. Over the
centuries many invaders from South India had come and held power from
time to time, but always the Sinhalese kings had mustered up the strength to
usurp them, at least for a short period. Due to these Tamil invasions
Hinduism was also introduced here but it remained secondary in practice
•* Highest level of Buddhist Sainthood.
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and importance. The Portuguese were the first Europeans to start colonizing
the island early in the 16th century, to monopolize the spice trade and other
greedy ambitions. The Portuguese called the land, Ceilao, perhaps a
corruption of Sri Lanka. The Dutch kicked out the Portuguese in the mid
17th century and changed the name to Ceylan, to suit their pronunciation.
The British ousted the Dutch and assumed power in the early 19th century
and modified the name further to Ceylon.
During this whole period of European colonial rule Buddhism suffered at
the hands of zealous Christian missionaries but, nevertheless, the religion
managed to survive. It made a significant comeback early in this century to
regain its rightful place as the popular religion of the majority Sinhalese
people. There are also minority groups of Hindus (Tamils), Muslims, and
Christians who are allowed total freedom of follow their own faith. And for
the most part the people of these diverse religious groups get along well and
respect each other's beliefs. Any internal communal strife which has arisen
from time to time, especially recently, was not based so much on religion
but on economic and political factors.
The S. S. Ramanujan docked at the end of Talaimannar pier in the late
afternoon, and only a handful of people were around to greet us. The first-
and second-class passengers were let off first, followed by the third-class
western tourists, leaving for last the majority third-class Indians and Sri
Lankans. This pecking order was assigned to allow us a chance to get
through customs/immigration before the mad rush of all the "goods
runners" and their mountains of baggage.
I suppose because of my appearance with short hair, the Benares holy
cloth draped over my shoulders and Tibetan mala around my neck, the
immigration officer who stamped my passport inquired if I had come to
study Buddhism. When I replied in the affirmative, he was pleased and
wished me all the best. He gave me a one-month tourist visa, the standard
for all foreign tourists, and told me I could extend it further in Colombo
without any problem.
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A convenient overnight train service coincided with the arrival of the boat
to take passengers to most major points south to Colombo, the largest city
and capital. Upon completing the entrance formalities, Chris and I changed
our money at the official exchange counter, obtaining Sri Lankan rupees,
and bought our tickets on the train as far as Anuradhapura. We had to wait
about four hours until the train departed around 10 P.M. In the meantime,
we walked over to the row of eating stalls on the opposite side of the tracks
to sample our first Sri Lankan food of egg hoppers and string hoppers.
The Bodhi tree at Anuradhapura grew from a
sapling of the original Bodhi tree at Bodhgaya
and was brought to Lanka in the 2nd century
B.C. by the daughter of King Asoka,
Sanghamitta, who was also a Buddhist nun and
Arahat. She was sent with this sacred gift as
part of the great Dhamma King's master plan to
spread Lord Buddha's Teachings to all
neighboring countries. As mentioned, King
Asoka had already sent his son, Arahat
Mahinda, to introduce and establish the religion
in the native inhabitants. As soon as it became
light, we strolled over to the ancient sacred area
where we spent the whole day wandering around like good tourists. For me,
it was also a spiritual inspiration to try and get a feel for the religious
devotion of the past Sinhalese Kings and people who built this first great
center of Buddhism. I paid my humble respects to the Sri Maha Bodhi tree
by making the customary three prostrations, and then sat in the vicinity to
meditate for thirty minutes. Chris in the meantime walked about on his
own.
Another inspiring edifice in the sacred park near the Bo tree is the
colossal Ruvanveliseya stupa. It was built over two thousand years ago by
King Dutugemunu and is reputed to enshrine the relics of the Buddha, as
are most Buddhist stupas. Another version says it contains the relics of not
less than one hundred Arahats. Whatever the case, it stands over one
hundred and fifty feet high and is surrounded by an impressive stone wall
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of elephants standing side by side around the huge square compound.
During the two thousand years, the stupa s uffer ed much at the hands of the
invaders, but over the time has been
well restored and glistens in whitewash
under the morning sun and is quite awe-
inspiring. I made my respectful three
circumambulations around the massive
dome structure and sat for a while in
one corner of the walled- in compound,
contemplating the obvious fact of
impermanence.
The entire sacred area of this ancient
capital is quite large and could easily require two days to inspect it all on
foot. Though Sri Lanka is now dominated by the Theravada tradition, in the
early days both the Mahayana and Hinayana were practiced by monks of
both schools, each with their own monasteries and large followings. The
ruins of several of these old monasteries and other stupas are visible in
different sections of the grounds. The government and other world cultural
heritage organizations are in the process of excavating various sites in order
to glean more evidence of the glory of those times; the findings have been
impressive. Being the off-tourist season at the end of March, the place was
practically deserted. It was so peaceful and relaxing just to leisurely stroll
through the giant well-kept park and outdoor museum as it is, with the
stands of giant old trees that Chris and I decided to remain another day to
absorb it. We spread out our bedrolls on the thick carpet of spongy grass
under the canopy of one of the trees to sleep that night, and I introduced
Chris to the practice of meditation, starting with the simple anapanasati
breath awareness. It seemed the perfect place and time for such a thing. In
the course of our park wanderings, we discovered a delightful lotus pond in
which we bathed our wearied limbs in the heat of the afternoon. All in all, it
was a most pleasant cultural and historical introduction as well as being a
spirit-satisfying, uplifting way to spend the first two days in the country that
was to become my home away from home for quite a few years.
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On consulting the map, Chris and I followed the coast road south to
Negombo where we dropped in on the Fernando brothers. The two brothers
were glad to see us. They arranged a room, thinking we would stay for a
few days, displacing two younger brothers from their room to accommodate
us. The house was modest, having several sparsely furnished rooms with an
outhouse and bathing well in the back yard. There were also two sisters and
the mother who comprised the family, the father having died two years
back. It was now the responsibility of the two older brothers to look after
the family according to the Asian custom. After settling our belongings in
the room, Chris and I took turns refreshing ourselves with a bucket bath at
the well. All the neighbors, especially young children, gathered at a
cautious distance to watch and giggle at us two "sudiks," as white-skinned
foreigners were locally called. They queried the brothers as to who we
were, what was our motherland, etcetera. I could feel a slight annoyance at
being stared at while I was trying to bathe, and I had to cover my modesty
with the orange waist cloth. The main bother in taking bucket baths in Asia
is that most wells are in inhabited places in full view of everyone, so that
one must cover oneself while bathing. This makes it slightly awkward to
clean oneself thoroughly and leaves a wet cloth to be dried; other than that,
however, it is quite delightful, especially in the tropical warm climates. The
brothers said that the inquisitive neighbors just liked to look at us because
they rarely saw any foreigners. Though I was somewhat annoyed by my
privacy being invaded, their faces were so innocent and smiling that it was
difficult to get really angry or motion them away.
That night we were treated to a sumptuous meal of rice and several
assorted vegetable curries and a fish curry cooked Sinhalese style in
coconut milk and laced with tiny bits of red hot chilies. Though it was a bit
too hot for my liking, it was nonetheless very delicious and was a marked
contrast and welcome change from the standard Indian rice and curry. Later
that evening, the brothers informed me that their two sisters, aged nineteen
and twenty, were interested in learning some yoga exercises but were too
shy to ask me themselves though they knew a little English. The girls were
a bit on the chubby side and thought the exercise would help them lose
some weight. From the way they acted, I figured the girls were mainly just
curious and desired to watch me demonstrate, not so much for their own
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intent to actually practice. But I felt this would be the least I could do to
repay their hospitality. I told them I would teach them in the morning
before eating breakfast, which is when I ordinarily did it.
In the morning, I demonstrated a series of exercises to the sisters and
brothers who were curiously looking on; and Chris took this opportunity to
learn a little for himself. I did not bother to explain the spiritual aspects of
yoga as I figured they would not understand, nor were they seriously
interested in that. I made the girls practice each exercise before going on to
the next. They were quite shy and giggled while halfheartedly attempting
the simple movements. If I would not have insisted on this, the sisters
would have just watched and giggled and probably not have made any
attempt at all. I figured that after this they would most probably forget
about it anyway. To show off a little, I performed a few of the more
difficult postures for their entertainment-starved minds. Following this
show, Chris and I feasted on the traditional hoppers and string hoppers with
chili-laced coconut sambal and coconut milk sauce; it was quite delicious.
Chris and I decided not to wear out our welcome and would leave for
Colombo that afternoon.
Following another delicious meal of rice and curry for lunch, our hosts
insisted we "put a nap." An after-lunch rest or snooze is common here in
the tropics, especially after a heavy meal of rice and hot curries which
contributes to body and mental sluggishness. After a one-hour rest, the two
brothers escorted us to the bus stand in the center of town and made sure we
got on the right bus going into Colombo. Chris and I thanked them for their
down-home hospitality, and they urged us to come visit them again
whenever we passed through that way.
We were not exactly sure why we were coming to Colombo so quickly. In
Anuradhapura, I had given thought to proceed to the former hill capital of
Kandy in the center of the country for a look at the Tooth Temple I had
heard about. But for some unexplainable reason, I had changed my mind,
choosing the coast route. There were a couple of matters I had to attend to
in Colombo fairly soon, but they could have waited a little longer. By this
time, the five hundred dollars I had received in Athens was nearly depleted;
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and I would need more money for my expenses. The Sri Lankan
government at this time required each tourist to spend at least sixty U.S.
dollars a month, showing bank receipts proving the money was cashed; and
I hoped to stay at least six months for starters. Another reason for going to
Colombo was that all non-commonwealth nationalities were required to
register with the Aliens Registration Bureau at the CID 7 ^ headquarters. This
was a way to keep tabs on foreigners and to locate undesirables. After
taking care of this mundane business, which I figured to take a day or two,
both Chris and I would go out to Kanduboda Vipassana Meditation Center
and arrange to stay there for a course of training. I didn't know how long
that would last.
Not knowing what exactly to do right off or where to stay in Colombo, I
thought we'd drop by the address given to me by the other fellow I'd met
on the boat. The man we were going to visit was named Mr. Samararatna or
Sam for short, and he lived in a suburb called Bambalapitiya. By asking a
few directions and riding in a crowded city bus from downtown, we
succeeded in locating the inconspicuous street which branched off the main
Galle road. The house we were looking for was at the very end of the
narrow lane, which had houses on both sides tightly packed together. It was
a small, modest house set back about twenty feet from the potholed street
which was not really much more than an alley. A few banana and papaya
trees along with other trees and flowering plants graced the otherwise
simple earthen front yard. When I knocked on the door, a shy, thin woman
answered and looked surprised to see us two foreigners. She immediately
went to bring an older lady, who turned out to be her mother. The older
lady spoke a few words of English, and I informed her that we had come to
meet Mr. Samararatna. That seemed to do the trick, and Chris and I were
invited inside to sit down. They must have thought we were known to Sam,
as they called him, and set about to prepare us the customary cup of tea.
Sam was not yet home from work, but he was expected shortly.
When Sam entered, Chris and I stood up to meet him. He appeared a little
surprised to see us in his living room, but he smiled and said "Hello" and
A4 Criminal Investigation Department. (Noted by Dhammavamsa)
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asked us to please take our seats again. I immediately introduced the two of
us and related the story of meeting his friend, Tissera, on the boat from
Rameswaram, from whom we had received his name and address. I
explained that we had come to Sri Lanka to study and practice Buddhist
meditation and hoped to go out to Kanduboda Meditation Center within a
few days. Sam had not yet met his friend Tissera on his return from India,
so Sam was not aware of our possible visit. Nevertheless, he was very glad
to meet us and was enthused over our interest and intentions to practice
meditation. Without our mentioning it or hinting at the possibility, he
unhesitatingly offered to help us in any way he could and invited the two of
us to stay in his house for as long as we needed while in Colombo. We were
both very appreciative; I thanked Sam for his kind, generous offer, saying
we did not want to put them to any inconvenience or trouble. He assured us
that it would be a boon and honor for them to host us in their humble abode,
to render any assistance in our spiritual endeavors. Sam and his son then set
about preparing a space in a small cubicle off the front porch which was
being used as a storage room. He laid down a large mattress on the floor
which both of us could share quite comfortably, and it seemed to be all that
we really needed. In my recent experiences, I was becoming more
impressed by the way these South Asian people extended such friendliness
and hospitality to total strangers in a manner that most westerners reserve
only for friends or acquaintances; I chalked it up to the long-standing
influence of the Eastern religious traditions.
That evening, we gratefully partook of the rice and curry meal which
Sam's wife and her mother prepared and served; as at the Fernando 's, Sam
requested us to eat first. As if by coincidence, Tissera dropped by and Sam
invited him to eat with him after we had finished. Afterwards, we all sat
around in the simply furnished living room to have a friendly chat together,
joined by another man named Tilak, an old schoolboy chum of Sam's who
was boarding in the house, occupying a small room at the back. Tissera was
happy to see that Chris and I had found our way to his good friend Sam's,
and they all were curious to find out how the two of us became interested in
Buddhism. The three men were, as most Sinhalese, 'born Buddhists;' and
they liked to discuss Buddhism. Their knowledge of the subject, however,
appeared to be limited to textbooks and cultural heritage; they did not
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themselves engage in formal meditation practice as such. Their practice of
the religion consisted in being friendly, performing acts of merit, trying to
live faithfully by the five precepts, visiting the temples from time to time,
reciting a few of the traditional Buddhist devotional stanzas and reading the
odd book on meditation or Buddhist philosophy. They said practicing
Buddhism in that way or at that level would create the good conditions
(merit) for them to gradually work out their accumulated worldly
attachment and past kamma. They hoped that in a future life they might
then be able to become a monk and attain Nibbana. Tilak explained that for
most ordinary lay people it was beyond their kammic limitations to attain
Nibbana in this lifetime itself. They would have a better chance by being
reborn during the presence of the coming Buddha, Maitreyya, prophesied to
appear in another two thousand, five hundred years or more. This is the
current popular belief among the majority of Sinhalese Buddhists including
much of the clergy.
This casual, laid-back attitude to the Dhamma surprised me somewhat. In
comparison, I tended to take the Four Noble Truths seriously and was gung-
ho in my desire to achieve the end of suffering as soon as possible. This
was due no doubt because my main exposure and influence in the Dhamma
had been from Lama Zopa and Goenkaji during meditation courses. Thus,
perhaps I was under the mistaken impression that all Buddhists, especially
the Theravadins, sat for two or three hours of strict meditation each day. I
must have pictured them burning a hole in their meditation cushions to
reach Nibbana before this lifetime expired.
The next morning, I rode the crowded rush hour bus into the Fort, an area
of downtown where all the banks and government offices were located. The
first thing I did was to go to the main post office to buy some aerogramme
and sat down then and there to pen off a quick letter to mom and dad. I
concisely described my travel route and adventures since the last letter, and
mentioned in passing that I was now here in Sri Lanka for more intensive
training in Buddhist meditation. I requested mom to send by mail transfer
another five hundred bucks from my savings account, in which there was
still about one thousand dollars left. I gave her the address of the Bank of
Ceylon foreign department where she was to send it. I added that I would
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most probably be remaining in Sri Lanka for at least six months if I could
swing the visa; and, after that, I was not sure. From the Post Office, I went
around the corner to the CID building, where I had to report to the fourth
floor for the registration of non-commonwealth visitors. This consisted in
filling out a form stating all passport particulars and where I would be
staying while in Sri Lanka and my intended purpose. As I was intending to
soon undergo an intensive retreat at Kanduboda, I wrote that address on the
form and stated the purpose as practicing meditation. I was also asked to
leave with them a small visa-sized photo if I had one available; as I did
have a few extra, I handed one over to satisfy the officer. While downtown,
I picked up a "What's happening in Colombo this month" tourist pamphlet
at the Tourist Office, just for something to read that night.
While glancing through the events calendar that evening, my eye fell on a
notice about a one-month Yoga course which was being conducted by Dr.
Swami Gitananda from Pondicherry, South India. The course had
commenced the day before and was being held in a house about a mile from
Sam's. The same reaction came over me as when I had first heard of the
Tibetan meditation course; my eyes instantly lit up; it sounded like just the
opportunity I'd been waiting for — to study yoga under a qualified teacher.
It seemed to be presenting itself on a silver platter, and I immediately
showed the notice to Chris who also became enthusiastic. We had not as yet
made a definite commitment at Kanduboda apart from my telling the police
I would be there, but that did not seem so important. I figured they would
not check anyway. The course was being taught by apparently a real Indian
Yoga Master and doctor no less. Although it had already begun, I hoped we
could still be admitted, being just two days late. Chris and I both decided
that we would drop by the address first thing in the morning and inquire
about the prospect.
That night I couldn't help thinking about this lucky coincidence and
wondered if it wasn't the unconscious motivation for coming so quickly to
Colombo, as if it was in my stars to attend. When Sam arrived home from
work, I excitedly told him of the news and of our desire to participate; he
agreed that it would be a good opportunity. He had heard the name of the
Swami from a friend who had mentioned it to him. It seems Dr. Swami
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Gitananda had written a controversial article about the forsaking of ancient
spiritual ideals and practice while giving in to the decadence of modern
western civilization. It was published in the Ceylon Daily News English
edition.
We arrived at the temporary Ananda Yoga Ashram in Havelock town at 9
A.M. during the morning break. An American woman named Meenakshi,
who we soon discovered was the Swami's wife, greeted us. Upon relating
our situation, she replied that the course was already full and that the
Swamiji didn't like to admit people late; but she asked us to wait while she
went to inform the Swami about our predicament anyway. When she
returned several minutes later, she told us we could talk with the Swamiji
now and personally present our case. I felt a little nervous to meet him face
to face and tried to imagine the proper etiquette for presenting oneself
before an Indian Guru. I did not have any flowers or fruit to offer as I knew
was the accepted tradition, and I wasn't sure if the standard Buddhist-style
prostrations would be appropriate. I decided to greet him with the respectful
namaste and bow. Upon knocking on the closed door of the back room, a
deep voice called out, "Come in." Once inside, I greeted the Swami with
the namaste; and he returned it with a big, friendly smile and, "Hi, please be
seated," pointing to a mat on the floor. The Swami was quite imposing,
seated in a chair looking almost like my projected image of an Indian Yogi
— shoulder-length, white, flowing hair with a matching bushy beard and
wearing the orange cloth of a sanyassin. His big, bulky body, not short of
weight, filled the whole chair; and overall he resembled a joyous Santa
Claus in orange. His skin was very fair and smooth-textured, and I noticed a
tattoo on one arm. He spoke perfect English and did not appear to be of
wholly Indian descent. It struck me as a peculiar combination, but that was
my conditioned mind comparing and judging again.
Chris had been following all my motions, and I did most of the talking.
Though I believe Meenakshi had already recounted our situation to him, I
repeated our desire to join the course. He frankly explained how ordinarily
it was not his policy to admit latecomers for fear of upsetting the status quo
and that we had already missed some important instructions. But if we were
sincere to stay for the rest of the entire course and attend all the classes
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punctually starting with the next class in just a few minutes, then he would
consent. I replied that of course we could abide by those quite obvious and
understandable requests. He inquired further if either of us had any
previous yoga experience. I mentioned the little bit I had picked up from
the book. He did not seem much impressed and commented that proper
yoga necessitated personal imparting and guidance from a qualified teacher
— and those were few and far between these days. I readily agreed, saying
that was why we had come to him. He then called Meenakshi and asked her
to fill us in on the daily schedule and pertinent details and to collect the
course fee.
The fee for the course was the equivalent of thirty dollars. As neither
Chris nor I had that much money on us at that time, we told Meenakshi
we'd have to bring it in the afternoon. Actually, both of us would have to
make a quick trip to the bank during the lunch break that very day to cash
another traveler's check to cover the amount and have some left over on
which to live. Meenakshi explained that the fee was exclusive of any meals
or lodging as this was not a residential retreat. We would have to live on the
outside and arrange to come on time to the periodic classes during the day
from early morning till evening. The first mandatory class of hatha yoga
and pranayama was from 6 till 7:45 A.M., followed by a morning breakfast
break. The next class was at 10 when the Swami gave a talk on some aspect
of yogic health followed by a practical session learning various yoga
relaxation techniques. This class ran up until noon, with a lunch break until
3:30 when we would meet for a class on therapeutic postures and breathing
techniques. 5 P.M. was reserved for the half-hour mantra-chanting period,
following which was a dinner break until 7 when we would reassemble for
the evening satsangha. Satsangha literally means 'community of Truth
seekers,' and in this case it consisted of a question-and-answer period with
Swamiji and/or a special discourse on an appropriate spiritual topic.
Meenakshi explained that we were allowed to come as early as 5 A.M. for
meditation on our own, sitting in the hall; and we could remain at the
ashram during the morning, afternoon and evening breaks if we were not
going out to eat at those times or had no other place to go. On Mondays,
there were no classes, it being a one-day break each week for taking care of
personal affairs or just a plain holiday for going to the beach, etcetera.
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About fifteen minutes before the 10 o'clock class, the other students
began trickling in, returning from their breakfast break. Several Americans
and a few Europeans were among them, while the rest were local Sri
Lankans. When everyone was seated on their mats in the hall, the hefty
Swamiji came out of the back room and took his seat on a mattress laid on
the floor. He started out by giving a talk on the nature of relaxation for the
body and mind, describing how the two are interrelated and must be treated
as a whole if effective relaxation was to take place. This was followed by a
session with all of us lying stretched out on our backs on the floor while the
Swami guided us through a systematic conscious relaxation technique. It
involved the use of awareness to feel the areas of tension in the body and
issuing mental commands to help relax those tense areas. Meenakshi came
around to each person and lifted one arm to let it drop back to the floor. By
observing the way it fell, she could tell if the person was deeply relaxed or
not and would give further advice if needed. The whole explanation and
practice seemed quite scientific and logical, and I was able to become quite
relaxed; my practice of vipassana helped out greatly in this procedure.
The topic of the talk that afternoon was on integrated, holistic health from
the yogic standpoint. The Swamiji explained how most humans, especially
modern westerners, abuse their bodies through faulty diet and breathing in
conjunction with polluted air, bad postures, and so forth. This is the reason
behind poor health and chronic physical ailments of so many kinds —
largely self-created by our individual and collective lifestyles. He explained
how the physical body is a marvelous, complex organism capable of
extended excellent health for an indefinite period if maintained properly
from the yoga standpoint based on reality; he cited some examples of
Indian yogis reputed to be hundreds of years old. In the ancient days, the
life span of humans was thousands of years, which accords with the
Buddhist canonical texts on the subject as well. It was interesting how
implicitly and authoritatively he spelled it all out, talking nearly the whole
two hours. The Swami did not teach blind yoga, but laid out all the whys
and wherefores of everything connected with a certain subject, making it
sound scientific and up to date. He had even been a surgeon in the British
Navy during the Second World War and studied medicine in England. So
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this deep knowledge of western science and medicine combined with his
profound, somehow limitless knowledge of yoga science made his
teachings sound very real, sensible and convincing.
In the 5 o'clock mantra- chanting session, he explained the meaning of
OM or AUM and how to chant OM into the seven chakras 75 from the base
of the spine up to the top of the head. AUM in the ancient Vedic texts is the
sound vibration of the un-manifested, universal creative force — in popular
yoga terminology, Cosmic Consciousness; in the Christian mystic tradition
it is referred to as the Godhead. Perhaps an equivalent in Buddhism would
be the higher formless jhanas or the state of Nibbana, implying freedom
from the conditionings and limitations of ego consciousness, tantamount to
total purity of mind. Chanting OM in a specific way into each of the
chakras was supposed to help purify these psychic energy centers. It took
me quite a few repetitions to locate or imagine the chakras and coordinate
the chanting into them, but the chanting alone was quite stimulating. After
ten or fifteen minutes, I was left in a very concentrated, blissful state with a
strong, magnetized sensation between the brows and a faint glow of light
inside the head. When the chanting stopped, I continued to sit in the lotus
posture, trying to keep the feeling as long as possible and reverting to
vipassana awareness. In the meantime, most everyone else got up and
dispersed in various directions for their dinner break. I had already decided
that I would not eat anything in the evenings but use this time before
Satsangha for my evening meditation period, to keep up my former
practice.
For Satsangha, we all sat on the floor in a semi-circle around Swamiji
who sat in a chair. His long, white, fluffy, freshly washed hair hung over
his broad shoulders and his beard puffed out all over his enormous chest.
He wore a freshly ironed set of orange swami clothes (lungi and Indian-
style, long-sleeved shirt) and sat quietly in what appeared to be a state of
deep meditation for several minutes. After singing a few Bhajans
(devotional songs) in Tamil by those who knew them, Swamiji fielded
questions regarding the things we had been learning or more general
Ai> Centers of energy in the etheric body.
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questions on Yoga or spirituality. A Sri Lankan woman dressed neatly in a
saree asked a question concerning the pranayama breathing technique
which he had taught that morning (Chris and I missed it.) The Swami didn't
answer just short and sweet as she probably expected, but went into a long
detailed and philosophical oration on the nature and scope of prana (life
force.) He covered seemingly every aspect of the subject, and in the process
the lady's original question was answered in different ways. This long
answer held domain for most of the hour. This was Swamiji's style on
many occasions. He did not usually give prearranged or memorized lectures
but spoke spontaneously, drawing on what seemed to be an inexhaustible
storehouse of facts, figures and profound yogic wisdom while weaving it all
together in a comprehensive way.
By the end of this first day, I felt sure I had met the right Yoga teacher
and that it wasn't by sheer blind chance. Chris was also enthusiastic about
the Swami with his apparent deep knowledge and distinct, dynamic style of
teaching. We arrived back at the house about 9:30 P.M.; Sam was waiting
up for us, anxious to find out how it went. Chris and I alternated relating all
the events of the day, and I inquired of Sam if it would be possible for the
two of us to stay at his house for the entire month until the course was
finished. We did not want it to be a burden for him and his family members
and offered to pay as kind of boarders. Without second thought, Sam
responded affirmatively and assured us that we would be most certainly and
happily welcomed; he could accept no remuneration. He said it was their
duty as Buddhists to offer whatever hospitality was within their humble
means to help us, because they knew we were earnestly seeking to learn
and practice the Dhamma, whether it was Yoga or Buddhist meditation.
Sam wanted us to feel free to come and go as we needed to fit the schedule,
and consider it our own home. So for the four weeks, we did just that.
Chris and I mutually decided that we would get up about 5 A.M. and
meditate sitting on our mattress in the room before walking over to the
ashram at dawn to arrive by 6. During the two-hour morning break, we
went to one of the nearby restaurants with some of the other westerners to
eat breakfast, which usually consisted, at least for myself, of a mixture of
bananas, papaya and curd eaten with hoppers or string hoppers. Afterwards,
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we sometimes took a stroll down one of the lanes off Galle Road, crossing
the railroad tracks to sit on the big boulders which form a breakwater along
the seacoast, to while away the time before the next class at 10. For lunch
we walked back to Sam's, stopping along the way to buy fresh fruit and
vegetables and a pot of curd and prepared our own yogic diet. We stayed in
the vicinity of the ashram during the evening break, myself usually
meditating and Chris going with the others for a light dinner. We both
returned together to Sam's after the Satsangha for sleeping. This
arrangement worked out quite well, but it did not allow us to see much of
Sam except a few minutes or longer at night when we got back around 9:30
or 10 P.M. Sam was in the Sri Lanka Air Force and worked as a clerk in the
SLAF Headquarters located downtown. He had a 8 to 5 schedule; he was
usually still asleep by the time we departed at 5:40 A.M. and retired by 10
P.M.
In the first week, we learned a lot of yogic cleansing techniques,
including a salt water purge of the entire gastrointestinal tract. This was a
kind of 'Spring cleaning' for the body and was normally followed by a
period of fasting. Swamiji explained how periodic systematic body
cleansing and fasting were beneficial or important for anyone really
wanting to purify his or her body; it was the foundation on which yoga
practices must be done if any authentic state of stable health be attained;
which was in turn the springboard for higher states of meditation to easily
flow forth. Half the diseases or disorders people have, especially westerners
on their junk food diets, occur in the gastrointestinal tract. He said that no
one could hope to achieve high or genuine meditative states or Cosmic
Consciousness if one's bowels were fouled and plugged up with "crud," as
was the case with the majority of persons. The tone in which he said it
struck me funny; but in the context of his overall explanation, it sounded all
very scientific and reasonable. I knew my guts were in bad shape, albeit
getting slowly better; and I was curious to try this routine. In the first few
days, all of us were expected as part of the course curriculum to undergo
the complex procedure under the guidance of Meenakshi and a couple other
of Swamiji's experienced Western assistants.
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When I tried this, I could see the foul-looking and smelling crud which
came out of my insides and it was a real eye opener; it made me feel
inwardly cleaner and even lighter. I hoped this might be the permanent end
to the chronic stomach disorders I had been having off and on for the past
year; it made me want to never consume things like meat, processed food
and junk foods again; this, however, was wishful thinking and didn't
necessarily come to pass as strictly as I would have liked. Nonetheless, I
gained a new perspective on the whole matter of body/mind relationships.
We were to follow this cleansing by a period of total fasting, drinking only
water. This was to give the digestive organs a needed rest and allow the
body cells to eat up the accumulated foreign matter and excess fatty tissues.
Fasting is a proven way to help the body rid itself of unnatural, harmful
inner growths and organisms and restore health if undertaken wisely. The
length of our fast depended on our individual body needs, according to
what the Swami called one's individual biorhythm cycles. In my case, it
was four; so I was required to fast for four days. I had never voluntarily
fasted before (I had skipped eating for a day when seriously ill once or
twice,) and the prospect of going without any food whatsoever for four
whole days was intriguing. I knew I had felt better, more light and airy,
while eating only one meal of fruit and vegetable salad at Goa, and I
wondered if total abstention would be even more exhilarating — a reverse
of the phrase, "the more the merrier." The whole situation presented itself
so surprisingly on the spur of the moment, with only one day's notice, that I
did not have much time to think about it pro or con or become scared by the
prospect of forsaking food for four days. Before I knew it, I had completed
the bizarre routine and was fasting.
The first day was the worst in terms of the mind thinking about food and
feeling hunger pangs, but by the second day those physical and mental habit
patterns largely faded away. I did feel a little weaker than normal; during
the noon breaks at Sam's, I laid down for a one or two hour nap, but felt
fine otherwise. When it came time to break the fast on the fourth morning, I
did not even feel particularly hungry nor have a real desire to eat. I felt I
could have continued much longer without food. Chris had also fasted, but
for only three days according to his own personal cycle. We were instructed
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to break the fast gradually, starting on the first day drinking only diluted
fruit juice or eating soft fruits, depending on how long the fast was.
The second day, I began eating my normal diet of curd, fruit and
vegetable salad, which was relatively light and yogic anyway. Once I
started eating, I could notice the old desires trying to reassert themselves;
and I had to resist the temptation for indulging in sweets, other snacks and
eating at night. The mind made up clever excuses why I should eat more —
to replenish the body. As it was, I did give in and sometimes ate a piece of
fruit or two during the evening interlude after rising from my post mantra-
chanting meditation.
Swamiji taught us other yogic cleansing techniques for the nose and sinus
passages. One involved sniffing up salt water or a herbal solution through
the nostrils and spitting it out the mouth; another technique had us taking a
deep breath and then expelling the air in short quick blasts out each nostril
in a certain prescribed manner. The Swami was a perfectionist and a
stickler for details and described each new technique and practice very
thoroughly, and he expected the students to listen carefully and perform it
exactly that way. He emphasized that Yoga was an exact science and
conscious evolution. He criticized Western yoga buffs who cut corners and
modified yoga to suit themselves saying, "We need a Western yoga." He
dubbed slip-shod or haphazard practice as "bhoga yoga" or "armchair
yoga"!
In the morning hatha yoga and pranayama session, we covered a lot of
material very quickly, learning new postures and breathing patterns every
day. Swamiji described scientifically how all the practices in the Science of
Yoga are based upon the universal reality of prana. He explained that prana
is the invisible, all-pervasive life force which sustains all forms of life —
human, animal, plant and even mineral. He referred to it as "cosmic
plasma" or a kind of rarified electrical energy that binds all of the elements
of creation together and gives them life. We receive most of the prana the
body needs through breathing, but small amounts are taken in and absorbed
from the food we eat, especially raw food, and the water we drink. Prana
circulates through the body via an extensive network of invisible etheric
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channels called nadis. Under normal circumstances, prana flows in the
nadis in set patterns to perform various vital functions, but, unlike the
circulation of blood, it can be re-routed and directed by mind control. A
high concentration of prana in a particular painful or diseased area can be
an effective healing power. Pranayama is then the conscious, controlled
movement of prana in various prescribed patterns and rhythms to insure
optimum health and well being of the entire body /mind organism.
Pranayama is not merely deep breathing exercises, though it comes in with
the air, it includes visualization or awareness of the energy as it is directed
through the nadis. Swamiji's description of all this was fascinating for me.
According to Dr. Swami Gitananda, the sine qua non 16 of Yoga is based
upon mastering three-part lobular breathing. This means breathing into the
three major lobes of the lungs, viz. 77 low, mid, and high, in a rhythmic
fashion. He explained the physiology of this in connection with the flow of
prana and blood through the intricate circulatory and respiratory system.
Each of the three lung sections govern prana and blood circulation to a
corresponding area of the body. If we fail to breathe in one or more of the
lobes, then the respective body parts will not get the required amount of
blood, oxygen and prana to maintain itself properly. He pointed out that the
major cause for most chronic disorders and organ malfunction could be
traced back to inadequate prana intake and blood/oxygen distribution due to
faulty breathing. These disorders could be corrected and revitalized by
suitable pranayama breathing practices in conjunction with certain yoga
postures and diet.
In the first few days while I was fasting, we went over this lobular
breathing many times and were taught different postures designed to help
stimulate or force the air to go into the three lung sections. Hell, I had never
even known what real deep breathing was nor that I had these different lung
lobes, etcetera. For all intents and purposes, the lungs were just an elastic
bag that we breathed in and out of. This was a new revelation for me, and I
could feel the difference once I practiced a little and got the hang of it.
■*■" An essential element or condition; something absolutely indispensable or essential. (Noted by Dhammvamsa)
A ' That is; namely. (Noted by Dhammvamsa)
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Swami Gitananda also stressed the importance of rhythmic breathing
done in conjunction with postural movements, and he taught us a whole
series of exercises in that fashion. Some of this was similar to what I'd been
doing from the book, but this new material went way beyond and eclipsed
the former. In the beginning, we learned simple movements such as single
and double leg lifting while lying stretched out on the back, then on each
side and from the stomach-prone position. We eventually performed all the
classical postures — the boat, cobra, bow, plough, bridge, the tree and
many others, learning two or three new ones each day to add to our growing
repertoire. Swamiji also taught us a whole bunch of other pranayama
breathing routines, along with things called mudras, bandhas, and kriyas.
But these were more complex, and we only briefly experimented with them,
not spending enough time repeating over and over to effectively learn or
experience the individual benefits of each.
The late afternoon mantra-chanting session was my favorite period of the
day. The Swami taught us various mantras and styles of chanting, as there
was an appropriate mantra for each day associated with different devotional
deities in the Hindu pantheon. My favorite was OM NAMA SHIVA YA.
Swamiji explained that Shiva, though commonly regarded and worshipped
as a God, means "Goodness" coming from purity of mind or that state of
pure mind itself; in chanting OM NAMA SHIVAYA we were paying
homage to and arousing that quality of Enlightenment that is within us.
Seeing Shiva in this way made it appear similar to the Buddha Nature of
Zen or Nibbana, and this is how I reconciled them. I got quite high from
these chanting sessions and could sit for an extra long time in the lotus
posture afterwards meditating, trying to let the mind merge into the inner
light and feeling of infinity or simply abiding in a very expanded state of
tranquil awareness.
In the course of his talks, the learned Swami would mention bits and
pieces about the six or eight various branches of the holistic Science of
Yoga. The way he seemed to confidently and expertly expound and
integrate the various aspects of body and mind purification/training made it
appear to be truly the grand daddy of all sciences. Through this, I began to
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see more clearly, on a deeper level, the fundamental relationship between
the body and the mind; they are like two sides of a coin and it is necessary
to treat them so in the process of spiritual growth and eventual
Enlightenment. I was trying to understand the similarities and differences in
how Yoga and Buddhism approached and treated the matter of Spiritual
Awakening and liberation from Samsara. Buddhism did not concern itself
with purifying the body first or directly as in Yoga. Buddhism appeared to
be chiefly concerned with eradicating the unwholesome elements in the
mind firstly and directly by meditation to achieve the end of suffering and
the ultimate happiness of Nibbana. There was no need of mentioning
anything about a God or a Supreme Self or Soul (Atman) to realize. Yoga,
on the other hand, did have as a principal concept of Reality the Supreme
Self, and often used the various words for God (Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva,
etcetera) as synonyms. On the surface, there seemed to be a contradiction in
terms between the No Self or Emptiness doctrines of Buddhism and the
Self- Realization of Yoga and Hinduism in general, but they both claimed
emancipation from the flesh and the attainment of everlasting peace and
happiness. I wondered if there was really any fundamental difference. How
could there be two separate Truths or Ultimate Realities? At the time, my
knowledge on this subtle matter was limited. I was not in a position to make
any intelligent or critical judgments one way or the other, nor did I feel the
need to. I felt in either case the ultimate goal for me was still a long ways
off. Whether there was a crucial, irreconcilable difference or not would all
eventually come out in the wash, as the saying goes, as it became clearer in
my continued studies, practice and personal experience of each. For the
time being, I was content with practicing the yoga to purify and strengthen
the body /nervous system and the Buddhist meditation to eliminate mental
defilements, decrease attachments and cultivate Wisdom.
By the last week of the course, I was quite turned on to the potentiality of
many of these yogic practices and was sorry it was almost over. The time
was so short and there was so much to learn and try to absorb that it was
almost overwhelming; there was no way I could have possibly remembered
the details of all the techniques and the massive volume of facts and
information which was so hurriedly dished out. The Swami even said that
this was primarily intended to be a whirlwind introduction to the variety,
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scope, and practical application of the various aspects of Yoga. All the
material presented in this one-month course had been condensed from a
standard, full six-month teacher training course that he taught at his ashram
in Pondicherry each year. The same material plus much more was presented
and gone over in a slower, more detailed manner, with sufficient time
allotted to practice and repeat the various techniques and postures. Swamiji
said that six months was usually sufficient to get a good foundation in these
teachings and become competent enough to instruct others if one so desired
and made a sincere effort. He even offered a Yoga teacher certificate to
those who successfully completed the six months of training. He
encouraged any of us who were really interested to come to Pondicherry
and take this six-month course which commenced on October 1st of each
year.
By the end of the course, I had all but made up my mind on going to
Pondicherry by October 1st to stay for the full six-month program. I talked
to the Swami about it, and he heartily welcomed me to do so. Chris was
also impressed with the Swamiji's teachings and likewise had the wish to
attend. Two of the other westerners new to Swami Gitananda and his
teachings were also thinking to follow suit. There was five months until
then during which I would remain in Sri Lanka and practice the vipassana
meditation I was still keen on, while keeping up with the yoga so that I
would be in good shape to start the six-month course. This was my
projected plan for almost the next full year. It was an assuring thought and
nice feeling to know that there was enough to keep me spiritually occupied
here in the East for that long.
The last night was reserved for Guru Dakshina or 'gift for the Guru.' This
is a custom in the Yoga tradition of teacher-disciple relationship where each
student is expected to present himself or herself individually in front of the
guru to express one's gratitude for the teachings received and bringing a
gift of some sort to offer. Swamiji liked flowers and fruit, but it was
obvious that he couldn't use thirty or forty simultaneous offerings of only
that. Meenakshi suggested that a modest gift of cash would be more useful,
as their expenses to go and come from India and other necessities had to be
met. She explained that the fee for the course was just barely enough to
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cover the running costs such as renting the house, their food, utilities,
etcetera. The Swami also needed some extra money for his own personal
expenses.
This, of course, sounded very practical and reasonable, but, as my money
from home had not yet arrived, I had only about ten dollars left. I felt
greatly indebted to him for his invaluable teachings and inspiration and
knew I should unhesitatingly offer the ten dollars; I could borrow some
money from Chris to tide me over. Somehow, however, that deep-rooted,
self-cherishing stinginess struggled to rear its ugly head, trying to use my
low cash level as an excuse not to give much. I found myself having to
mentally debate the issue of how much if any to give, or should I simply
buy a flower garland and a few pieces of fruit to offer. I was horrified at
this pettiness going on in the mind, but I was almost helpless to stop it.
Finally, I succeeded in asserting my better judgment and offered the
remaining ten dollars and felt very relieved and light by it. Coincidentally,
the money arrived at the bank the following day.
That night it was interesting to watch as each person went before the
Swami to pay their respects and make an offering. I noticed myself trying
to judge each person's sincerity in their presentation. Some, especially the
Tamils, appeared genuinely devoted and made obeisance by garlanding him
and prostrating to touch the Guru's feet. Others were more reserved,
perhaps held back by their ego or self-consciousness and merely feigned a
bow with joined palms and placed an envelope on the plate beside him. A
few did not make any attempt at bowing — clearly ego restrained. Because
I was used to and appreciated the value of humbling oneself in front of the
Guru, I performed the Theravada Buddhists' modified version of
prostration^ and touched the Swamiji's bare feet. But even as sincere or
egoless as I thought I was, I could still detect a slight trace of showmanship
in the act. These were more insights to reveal the depth of defilements
which lurk in the dark recesses of the un-liberated mind.
*° This is done from a kneeling position; with joined palms one simply bends over to touch the ands and head to the floor
and them raising back up, repeating it three times.
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CHAPTER 15
KANDUBODA VIPASSANA CENTER
/low that the course was over, Chris and I set our sights once again on
picking up where we had left off — going to Kanduboda. I had already
written to Venerable Sivali, the English-speaking monk/teacher, informing
him of our impending visit and desire to undergo a period of vipassana
training under his guidance. First of all, however, the two of us had to go
down to the immigration office to get our visas extended. With a little
smooth talking, we managed to obtain a three-month extension, for which
we had to go to the bank and cash one hundred and eighty dollars each and
bring the bank receipts to show them. Fortunately, my money arrived at this
time so I could do this without any problem. I also went to a cloth shop and
bought two white sarongs and a couple of sleeveless white banyan shirts. I
had heard that at the meditation center it was customary to wear white
attire, preferably the national dress of an ankle-length sarong and a long-
sleeve white shirt. White is a symbol of purity in the East. When
undergoing meditation retreats or even going to the temple to worship,
white dress for lay people is deemed appropriate; women wear a white
saree. Because it was so hot and humid, I did not relish wearing a long-
sleeved shirt; so I chose the white undershirts which were an acceptable
substitute.
At some point along the line, since my interest in vipassana, I had been
given the names of two good books on the subject. One was The Heart of
Buddhist Meditation by Venerable. Nyanaponika Thera, a German monk
living in Sri Lanka; the other was Practical Insight Meditation by Mahasi
Sayadaw, a Burmese monk/meditation master. On one of the free Mondays,
I had gone to one of the large bookstores downtown and was lucky enough
to find both of them, which I bought. I knew that reading books while on
intensive retreat at Kanduboda was not officially permitted, so I had begun
reading the first mentioned; I found it extremely straightforward and clear,
and it inspired me to begin practicing. It talked about the need for
mindfulness in our daily lives and the power of mindfulness to uncover the
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hidden dark recesses of the mind and root out the various hindrances to
realize inner peace and eventual Enlightenment. The method of vipassana
expounded in both these books was different from Goenka's sweeping; it
was the style I heard described by Joseph back in Bodhgaya and which was
also taught at Kanduboda. Having thoroughly read The Heart of Buddhist
Meditation, I decided to take along Practical Insight Meditation which
described the actual systematic practice in more detail, hoping to sneak in
some time to read it. Because it described the actual technique I would be
practicing, not something else which might distract my attention, I figured
it wouldn't hurt."
The Kanduboda Vipassana Bhavana Center is situated in lush green
countryside about fift een miles into the interi or from Colombo. But because
of the narrow, potholed road
and the frequent bus stops,
the journey took nearly an
hour. On arrival, Chris and I
reported to the reception
office just inside the entrance
gate and inquired from the
clerk about our stay,
informing him that I had
written earlier. He requested
us to go and meet the teacher
to discuss the matter with
him. One of the temple boys
directed us down a sandy pathway past some low-roofed, white-washed
buildings; the whole place was kept very clean with the sandy courtyards
and paths neatly swept; many palm trees of varying heights along with
profuse flowing trees and exotic plants added to exude a tranquil, sanctified
air. Venerable Sivali was sitting quietly alone on the floor in his small
cottage and asked us to enter. We slipped off our thongs and stepped inside,
whereupon he politely requested us to sit down on a straw-woven mat
which was laid out in front of him. I paid my respects with three modified
prostrations and then sat down cross-legged with Chris following suit.
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Venerable Sivali was middle-aged but was youngish looking and
unassuming, appearing very calm and centered. Once he got a good look at
my face, he came alive a little as if he recognized me, and he inquired, "Is
your name Joseph?" When I replied in the affirmative, he related the
following story. Two weeks earlier, a man from the CID headquarters had
come in search of me; they wanted me for some reason and came here
because I had listed Kanduboda as the place where I would be residing. The
man had brought along the picture I had left when registering and showed it
to Venerable Sivali, inquiring if he had seen me. He informed the CID man
that I had not come as yet, though he remembered the letter I had sent. The
officer seemed a bit upset not to find me and instructed Venerable Sivali
that when I arrived to send me back immediately to the CID headquarters.
Now the calm monk looked a little worried and asked me what might be
wrong, why the police wanted me. I was just as perplexed as he and told
him truthfully that I did not know. I described to him how I had intended
coming to Kanduboda last month, but then postponed it because of the
unexpected yoga course without registering the change. He told me that
before I could stay there for meditation, I would have to return to Colombo
to straighten out the matter. It was already late in the afternoon, but he
suggested that I go now and stay in Colombo that night; he appeared
cautious, and I suppose he had the right, though I figured it was merely a
routine checkup. Because Chris was British, he had not been required to
register and Venerable Sivali allowed him to remain to begin his practice. I
told him I hoped to clear this up quickly and be back in a day or two. The
teacher requested me to obtain a written clearance from the CID, and then
he would permit me to stay. So with a slight feeling of anxiety, not
knowing what to expect, I walked back to the bus stand at Delgoda junction
and got on the next bus. I proceeded directly to Sam's house and planned to
go downtown first thing in the morning.
Sam was already home from work when I arrived, and he was surprised to
see me back so soon. I related the whole episode, and he agreed that it was
most likely just a routine check though for some reason I retained a little
uneasiness and expectation. I presented myself at the fourth floor office the
next morning at 9 A.M. and was instructed to sit on the bench along the
wall to wait. After fifteen minutes, I was called into an office and again told
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to sit, only to wait another ten minutes. Finally, an officer came with a
folder of papers and my picture. He inquired, "Have you ever been busted
for trying to smuggle hashish out of Afghanistan?" This abrupt, unexpected
question startled me, and it took a few seconds to formulate a reply. I
figured that somehow they must have been informed about it, otherwise,
how could they have known; and this was why they wanted to see me. In a
calm manner I asked him why he asked that question. He replied that they
had received a list of names from Interpol of suspected or potential drug
traffickers; and my name, along with the offense I had committed, was on
the list. I then explained, "Yes, last year I tried that foolish stunt and got
caught and was punished for it; I learned my lesson the hard way." I added
that all of that had happened in the past when I was an ignorant fool, but
now I had turned over a new leaf, converted to Buddhism and was
practicing meditation. I assured him that I had quit using drugs and that I
was clean as a whistle in that regard. Thinking he was probably a Buddhist,
I felt he would understand the implications of the statement and not hold
the past against me.
The officer seemed pleased with my answer and asked where I was
practicing meditation. I told him I was just now preparing to undergo a
retreat at Kanduboda under the guidance of Venerable Sivali. He
immediately responded, "Oh yes, that is a favorite place for westerners."
He said his mother-in-law was a dyaka (supporter) of Kanduboda, and she
had sometimes also practiced meditation there. He did not even mention the
fact of my not being there when the CID man had come looking for me. He
then started gathering up his papers and preparing to go, and I questioned
him if that was all. He casually replied, "Yes, the matter is over as far as we
are concerned; I don't think we have to worry about you; you are free to
go." At the last moment, I remembered about obtaining a written clearance
for Venerable Sivali to set his mind at ease. I requested this from the
officer, but he said it was not necessary. It took a detailed explanation and a
repeated emphasis of Venerable Sivali's worry to convince him. He finally
cooperated by quickly scribbling out a quick message to the effect on a
scrap of paper which he signed and stamped with an official seal. His
seeming lack of concern about the whole matter was uncanny. I chalked it
up to being part of the Asian easygoing attitude towards life. I was grateful
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but felt that with real offenders this attitude would not be very skillful. On
the way back to Sam's for lunch, I reflected on the law of kamma and how
my actions of nearly one and a half years followed me all this way.
I arrived back at Kanduboda that afternoon clutching the letter of
clearance. After carefully reading it, Venerable Sivali told me I could stay
for a period of three weeks. Being one of only two regular meditation
centers for westerners and the most popular, it was often full to capacity;
and therefore a time limit of three weeks was imposed to allow for others.
In special circumstances, or in the off-tourist season, the period of stay
could often be extended with the teacher's approval. I sat down on the mat
while Venerable Sivali explained the rules to be followed: we were
expected to observe the ten precepts, the same ones as at Kopan; we were
not allowed to go near the women's section which was housed in a separate
area of the center; we were not to engage in conversation with the other
student meditators nor should we write any letters or read books; again,
practicing yoga was discouraged. All these occupations, he said, would
only distract from the task at hand, which was to cultivate a steady,
uninterrupted mindfulness in a specific way which he would explain. He
would be available for personal interviews and progress report each day
during an allotted time in the afternoon. Besides being a meditation center
for lay people, Kanduboda is also a monastery with a number of monks
studying and practicing. The lay male meditators eat their breakfast and
lunch with the monks in their dining hall or dcmasala, as it is termed in
Buddhist monasteries here. Following the rule for monks, we also would
not be eating any solid food after the noon meal; however, a cup of black
tea would be served in the afternoon and evening.
The teacher then described the actual meditation technique. He explained
how I should concentrate on the rising and falling movements of the
abdomen during the process of normal breathing. A mental note of 'rising,
rising' should be made while breathing in and 'falling, falling' while
breathing out. This was to be the primary object of focus while sitting.
During the pause between breaths or if the breathing became too faint and
unnoticeable, then he said to feel where the knees or buttocks touched the
floor and make a mental note of 'touching, touching.' If the mind got
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caught up in thinking, whereupon awareness of sitting and breathing was
obscured or lost, it should be recognized as soon as possible by making a
note of 'thinking, thinking,' and then simply return awareness to 'rising,
rising,' and 'falling, falling.' If I was disturbed by a loud sound, a mental
note of 'hearing, hearing' should be made until the sound went away and
then return again to 'rising... falling...' The same mental noticing applied to
the other sensory stimulations of seeing objects, feeling gross body
sensations, smelling and tasting, if and when they occurred. In this practice,
only the bare observation of the process itself was important. We were not
to try to analyze or make judgments concerning them beyond the initial
noting. All together, this was the basic rhythm of contemplation while
sitting for one-hour periods several times a day. In between sittings, we
were to practice walking meditation which he went on to describe. This was
continuation of the sitting awareness, substituting the movement of the feet
for the rising and falling of the abdomen. While lifting one foot, make a
note of 'lifting, lifting;' when swinging the foot forward 'swinging,
swinging;' and when lowering the foot to the ground Towering, lowering.'
This attention was applied to each step in succession without break, while
walking very slowly. The rest was the same concerning the mind's errant
thinking and the sensory activities of hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting and
touching — giving only bare attention to the initial raw sensory
phenomenon.
These basic instructions coincided with what I had read in The Heart of
Buddhist Meditation and which were described in even more detail in
Practical Insight Meditation. He instructed me to try and sit for an hour at a
stretch interspersed by thirty minutes or so of walking meditation,
alternating these periods of awareness as much as possible from early
morning till night. He advised me to begin slowing down all my other
general movements while attending to the routine activities of the day such
as eating, bathing, using the toilet and so on; he would describe this in more
detail later. I asked him about the anapanasati technique, feeling the breath
at the nose tip as I had learned from Goenka. He replied that this rising and
falling of the abdomen awareness was itself a form of anapanasati, and it
was more conducive for the cultivation of alert insight awareness. He said
there was no need to do anything else, just start slowly, relax into it, and let
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it all unfold naturally. This sounded reasonable and satisfied my curiosity.
The mild-mannered monk then led me over to the men's quarters and
assigned me one of the tiny individual cells, pointing out the latrines and
bathing well, and then departed, leaving me on my own.
I spent the next hour settling into my new environment. There were about
twenty individual cubicles on both sides of a rectangular building with a
wide corridor going all the way around. This encircling hallway was used
for the walking meditation where I saw Chris and another Western 'yogi,'
as the meditators were called, pacing very slowing with their eyes downcast
in front of their feet. They looked something like walking zombies in that
exaggerated slow motion. The individual cells were approximately five by
seven feet with a raised cement bench along one side for sleeping; a
coconut fiber mattress, a sheet and pillow were provided. A small, low,
wooden chair was in one corner, upon which I set up a personal altar. Over
the wooden surface I laid my neatly folded Benares holy scarf and set upon
it a Tibetan-style picture of Shakyamuni Buddha and a small, framed
picture of Lama Zopa that I had brought from Kopan. I improvised an
incense holder out of a cup that I found in the corner and filled it full of
sand; I had brought along a packet of incense. A few candles and a box of
matches were already in the room as there was no electric light in any of the
cells. I spread out my thin blanket and jalaba over the mattress and put my
straw yoga mat that I had thoughtfully brought on the floor. I set out my
toothbrush, toothpaste, soap and towel neatly at the foot of the bed and
placed the book, Practical Insight Meditation, out of sight under the
mattress. All of this arranging seemed to brighten up the otherwise drab,
stark cell, giving it a touch of cozy warmth.
I was now all set to begin. However, just as I was about to sit down upon
the bed, Chris silently glided by and paused at the screened door, and I
motioned him to come in for a quick whispered chat. I briefed him on what
had transpired at the CID office, and he filled me in on a few particulars
concerning the daily schedule. There were three one-hour group meditation
periods each day when all the yogis sat in the corridor across from the door
of their own room. Venerable Sivali also came and sat with the group at
these times which were held after breakfast from 8 to 9, immediately after
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lunch from 12 to 1, and in the evening from 6 to 7. The wake-up bell
sounded at 3 A.M. when we were supposed to mindfully get up, do a face
wash if desired and then start the sitting and walking awareness practice. At
about 5 A.M. a monastery attendant boy came around to the rooms with a
pitcher of rice gruel and poured everyone a cupful. A cup and plate would
be provided which I was to keep in the room and carry to the dining hall at
mealtimes. Coconut water was brought at 10 A.M., and tea was served in
the mid-afternoon and evening to help keep us awake. Chris added that the
food was very good! Now one of the monastery boys was bringing my cup
and plate, and Chris discreetly resumed his mindful pacing. It was almost
time for the evening tea followed by the group meditation, so I put off
sitting until then.
In that first group sitting I began the abdomen awareness, trying to adjust
my mind to the newness of it. Because I had been practicing the deep yoga
breathing which exercises the diaphragm, I was able to feel the rising and
falling movements of the abdomen fairly easily. My attention, however,
was sporadic, being interrupted often by thoughts of the day, which I
attempted to control by noting 'thinking, thinking;' and it did help a little.
After the bell rang signifying the end, I was then on my own until the
official sleeping time at 1 1 P.M. Going to sleep at 1 1 P.M. and getting up at
3 A.M. meant only four hours' sleep which caused me slight apprehension.
I wasn't sure if I could endure those austere hours, at least just yet. I had
read in one of the vipassana books that one who diligently sustains this kind
of keen awareness loses the need for sleep. The Buddha was said to have
slept for only two hours each night which was reassuring. Anyway, Chris
informed me that no one checked up on us to enforce the strict hours, so
one could cut an hour or two on either end if needed.
I was now anxious to start the walking meditation. I stood up slowly in
the hallway and kept close to one side so as not to be in the direct line of
the five or six other yogis. I began carefully, slowly lifting the right foot a
few inches off the floor, saying to myself 'lifting, lifting' following through
with 'swinging, swinging' and Towering, lowering,' and repeating the
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process with the left foot as the body slowly inched forward. 79 It felt a bit
awkward at first, and I had to struggle to maintain balance moving so
slowly. As I pressed on, it gradually became easier; and I was able to
absorb the mind into it, forgetting about time almost. It took quite awhile to
circle the cellblock in this manner; and after two complete trips, the feet and
legs were quite tired. So I went into the room to sit on the bed to continue
with the abdomen awareness, but I had more difficulty with the 'monkey
mind;' and then sleepiness overcame me. It was only the first day; and, as I
had been running around Colombo in the morning, I excused myself. I
stretched out with the idea to continue the awareness of rising and falling,
but soon fell fast asleep. It was 9 o'clock.
The faint reverberation of the morning wake-up bell penetrated through
the eardrums, arousing consciousness from its dreamy slumber. This was
immediately followed by three chimes from the big wall clock hanging in
the center of the hallway. I observed the drowsy mind formulating its
comprehension of 3 A.M. with the implications, followed by the
conditioned, obstinate reaction to getting up so early. I thought I would just
lay awake observing 'rising and falling' for awhile before actually arising.
But the inevitable happened again — I dozed off into dreamland. I was
reawakened by the chimes sounding 4 o'clock and sat up with a start,
feeling guilty about oversleeping. After my morning ablutions, I did a few
yoga stretching exercises with deep breathing to wake up more fully, and
then, arranging the pillow as a cushion, I sat and began the basic practice.
At about 5, 1 heard the sounds of the boy bringing the rice gruel. I mentally
followed the boy going from room to room serving each person and was
caught up in desire-based expectation and imagination. Only after a few
minutes did I realize that I had totally lost the basic awareness and was lost
in thought, whereupon I immediately noted, 'wandering, wandering' and
reverted to 'rising, rising,' 'falling, falling,' 'hearing, hearing,' etcetera. I
had left the cup for the gruel near the door as Chris had advised; this was so
that the boy could open the screen door and pour the gruel himself without
my having to get up out of meditation. As he poured it, I said to myself,
*■" From here on, I will often refer to the parts of my body and the activities of my mind with the objective 'the ' instead of
subjective 'my' — the eardrums, the feet, the mind, etcetera. This is to emphasize the conditioned, no-self owner-less,
automatic programmed nature of such body-mind activity as seen through the eye of vipassana.
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'hearing, hearing;' though my eyes were shut, the mind was picturing the
whole scene and I was slow to note 'imagining, imagining.'
Canda, as it is called in Sinhala, is a traditional drink made from rice,
coconut milk, herbs and sweetener. It is often served in the early morning
prior to breakfast in meditation monasteries where monks and lay
meditators start the day so early. As I had never drunk the stuff before, I
was anxious to try it. Upon savoring it sip by sip, I knew I had just
developed a new attachment — it was quite delicious. The green
concoction was fairly thick; and by the time I finished, I was quite satisfied;
it was like an adequate breakfast in itself. I even toyed with the idea of
skipping the regular breakfast and just eating lunch. But when the bell rang,
I gave in to the temptation and collected my plate and cup.
All the lay yogis lined up in single file behind two western monks who
were also undergoing the training here. With eyes downcast on the heels of
the person in front, we slowly and mindfully paced along the concrete path
into the danasald 11 . The Sinhalese monks who resided in a different section
of the monastery had already entered and were sitting alongside one wall
with Venerable Sivali at their head. The two western monks in our group
took their places at the end of the monk's row while the lay yogis sat on a
bench on the opposite side separated by the tables in the center where the
food was placed. While waiting to be served, everyone sat silently looking
downwards or with closed eyes. Eating was also incorporated into the
overall meditation practice, though I had not yet been instructed in the exact
particulars, except to eat slowly. I sat trying to be aware of the abdomen
rising and falling while fighting off the temptation to see what kind of food
was on the table.
The lay people who bring the food to Kanduboda personally serve by
coming around carrying a pot or plate of each dish. They put a spoonful or
piece of each item on each yogi's plate or, in the case of monks, their alms
bowl, which one was normally supposed to accept without qualms or
preference. When one feels he has enough, a hand is put over the plate or
bowl to indicate so, whereupon the donors pass on by. Being new to this
procedure, I wound up with a mountain of food on my plate which I could
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not have possibly eaten. I was scarcely even hungry because of the large
helping of canda I had drunk barely an hour earlier. But not wanting to
appear wasteful and out of curiosity to sample the many new kinds of
Sinhalese breakfast foods, I ate a little of each. Following this main course,
bananas, slices of papaya, pineapple and mango were brought around. My
eyes almost bulged out of my head when I saw all of this, as I was already
stuffed. Despite the fact, I couldn't resist eating a banana and slice of
papaya to top it all off. Afterwards, a bowl of water was given to each
person to wash the soiled right hand 20 and a spittoon or bucket was brought
around to dump the dirty water into. When everyone was finished,
Venerable Sivali led the monks out followed by the laymen.
During the 8 A.M. group sitting, I listened to the gurgling of my stomach
as the food was being digested and experienced considerable drowsiness
which I attributed to having overeaten. I regarded these as shakedown
experiences to find out the correct proportions with respect to food, sleep
and meditation. After the group sitting, we were on our own until 1 1 A.M.
when we assembled for lunch. We could bathe or wash clothes or just
continue the sitting and walking routine. Venerable Sivali had given me
only the basic instruction so far, and I was anxious to learn the whole
detailed procedure; so I utilized this time to sneak in some reading in
Practical Insight Meditation, with the door shut so no one could see me
with the book.
The book elaborated much more on the actual technique, including some
theory behind it. The observation of rising and falling of the abdomen tunes
awareness to the flow of impermanence; the arising and passing away of
the in-breathing and out-breathing is symbolic of the arising and vanishing
of every other body and mental activity. As you hone awareness on this
basic movement of life, you also automatically begin noticing other
phenomena more clearly. The noting functions to keep the mind on the
activity while it is occurring in the present moment and aids in establishing
an objective detachment. This 'bare attention' is very effective in
establishing some mental space which breaks the spontaneous, habitual
*" In Sri Lanka, as in all South Asian countries, eating is usually done with specifically the right hand. The left hand is
used for washing the anus after defecating and is considered unclean — even if you wash the hand with soap.
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reactions, both physical and emotional, and the subsequent suffering that
would normally ensue; it is a kind of self-psychotherapy in that sense.
The book's instructions on noting covered almost every conceivable body
activity that arises in a normal day. While turning the head — 'turning,
turning;' if you blink — 'blinking, blinking;' while lifting, lowering,
stretching or bending an arm or leg — 'lifting..., lowering..., stretching...,
bending...,' so on and so forth. Any distinct movement should be done with
this alert mindfulness; it almost forces you to slow down and move much
slower. When the movements are slow enough and the awareness sharply in
focus, the beginning and end — the duration or life-span of each body
movement can be discerned; and each deliberate movement is necessarily
preceded by an intention or command from the mind. You understand that
the material body can do nothing on its own without the mind to power it. It
also described how to practice this awareness while eating. When looking
at the food — 'looking, looking;' while arranging it with the fingers —
'arranging, arranging;' while bringing the hand to the mouth, opening the
mouth, putting the food inside, chewing, tasting and swallowing — you
note all these separate activities in the same manner. If there is recognizing
flavors, if there is any liking or disliking, desire or expectation for
something else, then be sure to note all of these mental occurrences as well.
The book went on to list the various states of mind that can arise during
meditation which should also be observed and noted. Some of the common
mental activities are imagining, restlessness, worry, desire, aversion, anger,
boredom, tiredness, dullness, curiosity, comparing, judging, pride, conceit,
envy, jealousy, fear, doubt, dejection, confusion, frustration, contentment,
joy, tranquility, compassion, love, etcetera. If and when these states arise,
they should be objectively identified with bare attention, using the noting
until it goes away. All of this serves to cultivate a deeper insight into the
true nature of how the body and mind operate and the different elements or
factors involved to gain a clearer understanding of the characteristics of
impermanence, conditionality and no-owner. While absorbed in this
insightful reading, the boy came around with the mid-morning coconut
water; and I quickly hid the book from his view and feigned meditating.
When he left, I mindfully noted the desire to drink the sweet delicious
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liquid and executed the whole process of reaching for the cup, bringing it to
the mouth, pouring it in, relishing the taste, swallowing, lowering the cup to
my lap — repeating the sequence several times until it was finished.
Armed with this additional detail, I was eager to get in a period of sitting
before lunch. I stood up and stretched the legs to get the circulation moving
again and then sat down in the lotus posture and started by taking a few
deep yoga breaths. Returning to natural, uncontrolled respiration, I began
paying particular attention to the beginning, brief duration and end phases
of each expanding and contracting movement of the abdomen. I noticed
that being aware in this way helped to keep the mind more alert, and I could
notice other body sensations arising and zipping away more easily as well
as different sounds from outside. When the mind started wandering or
daydreaming, I was fairly successful in making the appropriate notes to
keep from getting lost into it. When pain grew in my knees, ankles and hips
due to the lotus posture, I tried to create a mental space for it by keeping an
objectified distance and noting 'pain, pain' as the book suggested.
It did work in most cases for a short while. After thirty minutes in the
lotus posture, however, I was forced to bail out and lower the top foot down
to the half lotus position. I tried to perform this adjustment slowly and
distinctly, noting each separate movement according to the instructions in
the book. As I was still new to this novel way of moving and in a hurry to
alleviate the pain, I missed many details. I was already absorbed in
expecting lunch when the bell rang and was slow to note 'hearing, hearing.'
Better late than never, I mentally grabbed for 'imagining, imagining,'
'expecting, expecting,' and 'hearing, hearing.' I knew I had a lot of work to
do; but, nonetheless, I was enthusiastic and hopeful about the potential of
this technique and the whole practice.
The lineup and slow walk to the danasala for lunch was the same as for
breakfast. While filing in past the center tables, I couldn't help but notice
the densely packed pots, pans, and plates of food. There were two or three
varieties of rice, all kinds of different vegetable and fish dishes, plus heaps
of bananas and slices of other fruits, pots of curd and platefuls of sweets. I
detected anticipation in the mind but tried my best to ignore it. I was not
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very hungry as I was still feeling the effects from breakfast, and I wanted to
avoid the mistake of the morning. But in trying to practice slow, mindful
movements, I was not quick enough to fend off the continuous parade of
devotees depositing their spoonfuls on the ever-growing mound. I tried not
to watch what was coming next, as this encouraged expectation and more
discriminating thoughts; but I could feel the urge to peek out of the corner
of my eye. I made a conscious effort to practice the eating meditation as the
book described and found it quite a unique experience. Because of the
greater time required to eat each mouthful, it was a good way to
automatically or consciously force myself to eat a smaller amount of food.
Though I knew better, I still found myself selecting the bits and pieces I
liked best or which looked new and interesting and deliberately left room
for the fruit, curd and sweets while half-heartedly noting 'desire, desire.'
The leftovers were dumped into a large bucket which was carried around
and later fed to the animals outside.
Within fifteen minutes of returning to our quarters, in which I had to
quickly brush my teeth, it was time for the group sitting along the wall in
the corridor. I knew I had eaten too much as the body felt heavy and stiff,
and I had to fight off drowsiness which enveloped the mind like a thick
dark cloud. In minutes, my head began its downward descent, yielding to
the push of gravity; before I knew it, the chin was touching the chest and I
was slumped over as well — hardly the picture of a meditating yogi. It took
a couple of minutes to recognize this sloth and torpor and to muster up the
strength to straighten up, only to slump over almost immediately. This
process repeated itself over and over again during the sitting period, and no
other progress was made. It was easy to understand why this was called a
hindrance for meditation.
Out of curiosity, I discreetly looked around to see how the others were
faring. To my consolation I discovered most of the others also bobbing up
and down like yo-yos — even to my surprise, Venerable Sivali, who was
sitting down the hall within view. I wondered what the purpose was in
subjecting ourselves to this after eating and was glad when the clock
chimed 1 o'clock to signify the end. I mindfully stretched my stiff legs and
then performed the movement by movement process of bringing the body
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up to a standing position and proceeded with walking which helped in
banishing the tiredness from both the body and mind.
That afternoon between 3 and 5,
Venerable Sivali sat on his usual seat in
the center hallway to hold the daily
interviews. I waited until the others had
met with him before taking my turn. I paid
respects with the customary prostrations
and sat on the mat in front of him. He
questioned me as to what I had been
experiencing. I replied that I was slowly
adjusting to the new routine and
mentioned my monkey-mindedness and the difficulty with sleepiness after
meals. The monk smiled and explained how mental restlessness and it's
opposite, mental sluggishness were two of the five hindrances which were
very common for beginners. He described how being more attentive to the
breathing would aid in calming the erratic wandering mind; he said a good
way to overcome sleepiness after meals was by forcing oneself to sit
through it. If the yogi musters up enough mindfulness and determination, he
can break through to a state of clarity, lightness and serenity. He said
overeating was a major cause of the heavy drowsy feeling and apparently
left it up to me as to what to do about it.
The teacher now explained the more detailed practice of slowing down
and noting all body and mental occurrences, understanding them in their
impermanent, conditioned nature, as I had already read. He reiterated that I
should cultivate this mindfulness from the moment I open the eyes in the
morning to the moment I fall asleep at night, in all four postures of sitting,
standing, walking and lying down. He added that the occasions of using the
latrine, washing at the tap, brushing the teeth, and even taking a bucket bath
at the well were all very good times to develop insight. He advised me to
relax into the practice, starting slowly and letting it gradually unfold and
not to become tense or anxious about results. He then inquired if I had any
further questions, which I did not. Having now a fairly good theoretical
understanding, it was just a matter of time and persistent but patient
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cultivation. I took the compassionate teacher's leave, bowing again and
commenced mindfully walking.
INTENSIFYING INSIGHT
During the next week, I settled into the daily routine and
concentration/awareness gradually improved. I was beginning to
understand on a deeper level the real meaning of impermanence. As I
sustained keen attention on the rising and falling of the abdomen, it
appeared that each expanding or contracting movement was actually
comprised of many separate movements, each with its own beginning, brief
duration, and cessation. With this perception, the whole, or what appeared
to be continuous, was broken up and discerned in its parts. This sharpened
awareness helped to detect the other sensory stimulations as they arose and
vanished, especially moments of hearing and feeling other body sensations,
which at times came fast and furious. At these peak times, I could not even
keep up with the noting because it all whizzed by so rapidly. Sometimes I
would become frustrated and purposely slowed it down by reverting to the
simple rising and falling of the abdomen and then let the momentum of
other stimuli gradually build back up again.
In all this I perceived and understood how it is the nature of the
conditioned mind to grab at, identify and react to certain stimuli which it is
most familiar with or attached to, and leave the rest to simply disappear.
When the mind selects a particular sense impression, that stimulus becomes
the center of attention and assumes individual object status. As this insight
penetrated deeper, I began to understand how everything in the physical
world, in ultimate reality, is merely sensory or energy vibrations — color,
sound, odor, flavor, and tactile — upon which the conditioned mind works
its imagination to create what is perceived as the concrete worlds Bound
up in this mental process is also the nature of like and dislike, pleasure and
pain, good and bad, in regard to the feelings and objects identified. Through
our upbringing, since childhood, we have come to associate and react to
*■*■ This accords with Einstein 's Theory of Relativity in which matter is seen as merely compact energy vibrations in
relationship to the observer.
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particular individuals, groups of persons and objects of everyday
experience in these set patterns. Our life literally revolves around these
programmed mental feelings, trying to acquire and keep what we like or
regard as pleasant, desirable or good while trying to avoid or get rid of what
is disliked, what is regarded as unpleasant, painful or bad. As I watched the
whole process, I realized that these concepts we have are essentially the
work of the imagination, that individual objects in themselves have no such
inherent value or realness. From this, I could get an inkling of the Yoga and
Buddhist phrases, "The world is illusion; it is mind made", and terms like
Emptiness and Voidness.
These insights also revealed the no-self or egoless (anatta) characteristic
of the process. I was not willing anything to happen; sense impressions and
resulting mental activity were arising and passing away on their own
accord, leaving their respective trails — all without my permission and
even against my wishes. All I wanted to do was peacefully watch the breath
go in and out; but, in spite of this, the movie projector of the mind cranked
out melodrama after melodrama, much to my consternation. A few
incidences during the day provided an excellent opportunity to experience
this unwanted mental activity and brought home the truth of no-self. The
most frequent and annoying automatic mind movies were the ones of the
boy bringing the early morning canda, the mid-morning coconut water and
afternoon tea. By the sound alone, the mind would know when he was
approaching, what he was bringing, when he was opening the door, pouring
and leaving. Sometimes this existed only as a train of associated thoughts
and other times in visualized technicolor. Often it would stimulate
expectation, desire, impatience or indecision; and I would debate whether
to leave it alone to combat desire or break the meditation to drink it before
it got cold.
The chiming of the wall clock also triggered off programmed activity. I
would almost always think about what time it was and count along with the
chimes or try and guess if I didn't know for sure. If it was 3 A.M., I would
try and convince myself to catch an extra forty winks or practice breath
awareness while still lying on the bed with the good intention to get up at
3:30. This often resulted in dozing off again and reawaking only at 4,
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whereupon I would become angry with myself and vow not to do it again.
With the 5 A.M. chimes, the expectation of canda would creep in and at
5:30, 1 sometimes debated whether or not to go for breakfast, to just be
satisfied with the gruel. On several occasions, I did forego breakfast in
order not to break an extra good meditation. But most of the time, I would
rationalize that I was too thin and needed to put more meat on my bones —
mom would like that! And sometimes I considered going without lunch and
fasting a day or two, wanting to appear like a strenuous yogi to the others.
But it was again mostly in vain— I wound up going to lunch anyway. And,
contrary to cultivating detachment, I found myself still selecting the
vegetables I liked best (raw, half boiled, with least chilies,) shunning meat
and saving room for fruit and curd. I allowed myself this choosiness
because I was trying to be yogically diet consciousness and knew it would
help reduce sloth and torpor for the after-lunch sitting. Included was the
subtle desire to outshine the others, even our teacher, by sitting up erect and
alert for that period — and it did help in that respect.
Another great opportunity for watching conditioned responses was when
flies and mosquitoes, of which there were many, buzzed around or landed
on me. Just the approaching sound would trigger the alarm system; and the
melodrama would begin — "What is it? I hope it won't land on me." If it
was a fly, I would worry about possible germs; if a mosquito — the fear of
stinging pain and the chance of contracting malaria. If they did land on me,
I would debate whether to shoo them off or let them suck my blood,
enduring the irritation until they buzzed off by themselves. Because I had
taken the first precept, I refrained from wanting to kill them though
occasionally it was tempting. Sometimes, especially with flies on my lips or
in the corners of the eyes and multiple mosquitoes drinking blood, I might
gently nudge them off. All theses activities because of mere sounds and
tactile sensations!
I tried to watch all these scenarios with as much detachment as possible
and utilized the noting when I felt it appropriate — which did help
immensely. Sometimes it got really crazy, and I couldn't help but laugh at
myself for my nonsense, fears and reactions; at other times, I would get
angry or disgusted with myself for being so petty and foolish in my inner
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dialogues and deliberations. This kind of penetrating awareness revealed so
many aspects of the psyche that hitherto I had never consciously
encountered nor felt the need to deal with. I normally took these reactions
for granted, not thinking anything of it. But I now was beginning to
understand how most of these habit patterns were motivated and sustained
by unwholesome mental factors which gave rise to much unnecessary
worry, fear, frustration and so on.
The biggest disturbing factor for me to recognize was the ever-defiant,
"self-cherishing-I" with its crafty maneuvers, always out to assert itself.
Seeing all this within myself increasingly brought home the pervasive
nature of the Buddha's first two Noble Truths — suffering and its cause.
Everything that we experience and identify with in the material and mental
world is by nature constantly changing beyond our exact control; pursuing
it with selfish and ignorant desire brings eventual frustration, sorrow and
pain; craving can never be satisfied. When we think we've acquired
something, it alters or disappears, or the fickle mind changes and we lose
the desire for a certain person or object, leaving us wanting something else
to fill the vacuum. Because of our strong habit patterns, largely motivated
by greed, ignorance and hatred, we commit unskillful, unwholesome
actions which often bring suffering down upon our heads with a heavy
crash. This is the real manifestation of suffering (Dukkha) that the Buddha
was indicating. It was indeed insightful and even fascinating to discover
and observe, but sometimes difficult and even appalling to accept that it is
all within.
Now, more deeply than before, I saw what I was up against. I wondered if
there was any limit to what one could know. I also realized the difference
between the two popular vipassana techniques. The sweeping method
taught by Goenka seemed to be only an introduction to the Buddha's great
wisdom in comparison with what I was getting into now. While the former
focused primarily on impermanence, this practice of full-blown, six-sense
door awareness in all four postures ruthlessly attacked and exposed all the
three characteristics, especially conditionality and no-self. My faith and
confidence in the Buddha-Dhamma was growing stronger. I became
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inspired to resume with a new spark and emotion the Tibetan prayers I had
largely been neglecting since leaving Goa.
There was a small shrine room at one end of the corridor with a Buddha
statue on the altar; and an oil lamp, candles, incense, and matches were kept
there for the use of anyone. On passing it in the course of walking
meditation, I occasionally noticed one of the other westerners sitting
meditating inside or making a personal puja. And now with my newly
resurrected devotion, I began stopping there on my way around in the
evening to perform my own little puja or worship. If the room was
unoccupied I went inside; if the candle, lamp or incense was low or out I
would replace and relight them. While lighting the candle or lamp, I recited
to myself, "May all beings light the lamp of wisdom in their mind which
dispels the darkness of ignorance, just as I am lighting this flame." While
lighting the incense, I recited, "As this fragrance drives the foul smell out of
the room, so too may I and all beings drive out the three mental poisons and
cultivate the virtues of a Buddha." I then executed a number of full-length
prostrations, the number of which varied according to how emotionally
stirred I was at the time, or if I had harbored any especially negative
thoughts during the day, or if my ego was exceptionally strong. This
exercise was a symbolic offering up of that ego along with the burden of
identities and attachments for the sake of Enlightenment and to benefit
others. I then sat on my knees with the forehead touching the ground and
palms together in devotional posture and recited the Three Refuges and five
precepts. I then sat cross-legged and recited the whole repertoire of Tibetan
prayers that I could remember and reflected on the perfect human rebirth.
All of this brought back the memories of Kopan with strong emotion and
motivation, and I even came to the point of tears on a few occasions. I
finished with a short Metta meditation radiating extra long vibrations to
mom and dad back home, and to my teachers Lama Zopa, Goenkaji, and
Swami Gitananda; I dedicated all the merits acquired from my efforts in the
Dhamma to the Great Enlightenment (of all sentient beings.) Before
departing, I bowed again and then resumed the slow motion walking.
Each night after that one hour or so of steady concentration in the shrine
room, I was filled with a serene energy and alert sensitivity and could
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continue the walking and sitting practice with strong mindfulness. Upon
retiring to the cell somewhere between 10 and 11,1 would stretch out on
my right side in the Buddha's reclining 'lion posture,' exercising vigilance
until losing consciousness. When awaking with the 3 A.M. chimes, the
mind was fresh and clear; and I was able to resume awareness immediately
with 'hearing, hearing' and opening the eyes 'opening, opening.' I could
perform the whole process of sitting up, stretching the arms and eventually
standing up with movement by movement clarity. In this way, I was usually
able to get the edge over any sleepiness trying to creep back in and could
remain mindfully alert for the rest of the early morning.
I used the sitting periods as an opportunity to gradually increase the
length of time in the lotus posture. My goal was to be able to sit
comfortably in that leg-locked position for a full hour before the end of the
three weeks. Each period, I increased the time a minute or so, enduring the
burning pain. The most painful spot was at the point where the two shin
bones crossed and pressed hard against each other. The sensations here
became hot and excruciating after about thirty minutes; it was a matter of
wearing a groove into the bones so that they form fit. Another vulnerable
spot was where the top of the left foot pressed down onto the fleshy part of
the right thigh. This was a good chance to experiment with the different
methods of dealing with pain. If I could detach the mind from this agony I
figured I could overcome anything, even the attack of mosquitoes. I would
just fasten my mental seatbelt so to speak and grit the teeth to extend little
by little, the pain threshold. At the end of the second week, I reached my
personal goal of one full hour. And within a few more days, I was
comfortably managing all three group sittings which I used as 'resolve'
periods, extending the time in the lotus even longer. With noticeable pride,
I mentally patted myself on the back. This was proof to myself that
anything, within limits, was attainable, if it meant enough and the
determined effort was applied and sustained.
In my continued reading of Practical Insight Meditation, I was intrigued
by the step-by-step procedure on how to actually realize Nibbana. It
described a series of nine insight knowledges which are purposely
cultivated and passed through in succession, one stage leading to the next.
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The ninth and final knowledge is the experience of 'cessation' or Nibbana
itself. The nine are: the knowledge of rise and fall, the knowledge of
dissolution, the knowledges of terror, danger, dispassion, desire for
deliverance, reflection, equanimity of formations, and the consummation
which is called knowledge in conformity with Truth.' v In theory, it sounded
like such a straightforward, exact, clear-cut path — something along the
lines of a recipe or a marked route on a map, culminating in Enlightenment.
It was so matter of fact, I wondered why I hadn't heard of it before in some
of the Buddhist books I'd read. When I had read over this material a couple
of times, I was anxious to get started training the mind step by step in the
prescribed manner. I had already more or less experienced some of the
stages at different times without knowing them as such, so I didn't think it
would be too difficult.
In that first sitting, I tuned into the rising and falling of the abdomen and
gradually expanded awareness to include the other noticeable sense stimuli,
paying particular attention to the precise moment of sensory impingement. I
was curious to see if I could actually detect a moment of consciousness
arise as a separate distinct phenomenon then instantly vanish together,
making way for the next moment of sense consciousness (as the book
seemed to suggest.) Only one conscious moment can exist at a time, and the
successive sequence of them is likened to the individual frames of a film
strip. Of course, this happens extremely fast; but the book said that with
keen penetrative attention one could actually experience this mind/matter or
name/form moment of consciousness arise and vanish. At this early stage, I
did not perceive this clear-cut phenomenon but I did experience a rapid
barrage of sensory impressions arising and passing one after another; I tried
to imagine it happening in that fashion. When it became too difficult to
keep up with, I switched to the second insight knowledge, focusing in on
only the disappearing. The quick fire succession of instantaneously
vanishing moments brought back memories of my army training when
shooting tracer bullets at night with an M-60 machine gun — all I could see
was the red trails disappearing into the void of darkness. Now, too, all I was
perceiving was a steady stream of sensory bombardment melting into the
void of the mind. I couldn't even discriminate between tactile, sound and
other stimulations; they were zipping away or disintegrating so fast that
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there was no time to formulate such mental distinctions. Random thoughts
did slip in but they too immediately vanished.
While passively witnessing like this, I comprehended the formations in
their three characteristics as being impermanent, unsatisfactory and without
self-nature; I then deliberately reflected on the whole process as being
nothing but sorrow, terrifying and a potential danger (if one gets attached
and possessively clings) as the book suggested. It did not take long for the
mind to come to the stage of dispassion. I could feel the mind withdrawing
from identification with and inclination for any of the body sensations or
mind phenomena and felt a growing sense of relief, lightness, and subtle
joy. Again, as the book suggested, I reflected on Nibbana as being the only
state of real peace and fulfilling happiness where the mind is totally cut off
from any identification or hankering after anything in this or other
conditioned worlds. This also had a further soothing and joyful effect on
me. The idea of Nibbana was very appealing, even if just thinking about it,
especially while in this state of dispassion. Having gone this far, with these
five stages of insight knowledge, I was quite satisfied. I had already been
sitting for over an hour; and though I was not really tired, I decided to stop
for awhile. The boy had already brought the afternoon tea which was
getting cold.
When I had the interview with Venerable Sivali that afternoon, I felt like
asking him about these insight knowledges. Although he had never
mentioned them by name, he must have known about this specific method
of mind training. If I inquired about it directly, he might have wanted to
know where I learned of them; and I did not want to give away the fact that
I was reading the book. He did ask me what I was experiencing so I related
the insights I was having. I explained how I experienced the body as just a
heap of changing elements and the mind as a stream of fragmented feelings,
perceptions, memories, emotions, habit patterns of ego-based thoughts,
etcetera. I told him I realized that the ego was the source and instigator of
all desire, aversion, worry, fear, frustration, and so forth. Basically, I told
him what I thought he would want to hear, or what might cause him to
think I was on the right track, though these were genuine insights. When I
finished, he nodded in his calm manner and advised me to keep on
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practicing in the same manner and not to expect any results; expectation
was a hindrance.
In the next several sitting periods, I was able to quickly pass through the
first five insight knowledges up to dispassion and then went on to cultivate
the desire for deliverance. As the book suggested, I reflected on everything
in the conditioned world as a mass of inflamed suffering, to be feared like a
bed of red hot embers, and generated the wish to be free from it. This
helped to estrange and isolate awareness further from the ongoing barrage
of sense impressions from within and without. I was losing the feeling of
having anything to do with them and awareness was turning away,
becoming alienated from it all. The sense of T faded into the background,
weakening the subject/object orientation to the body and normal perception
process. The ego became very tenuous while a definite clear awareness
itself was still present. There was no noticeable attraction or repulsion or
bending of the mind to any stimuli. I speculated that this must be the state
of equanimity or very close to it. This restful and tranquil state did not last
long, however, as my mind was still weak at this level; it required many
more sittings to become thoroughly familiar with the subtleties of this
delicate mental balance.
In this state, the ego or sense of separate individuality is on a reverse
course of involution, as it were; it starts to fade away. When this happens,
the whole familiar world of subject/object orientation gets turned upside
down or seems to pull apart like taffy, figuratively speaking. At this point,
the ego panics because the very ground on which it is standing is
disintegrating; the thread holding it to itself and to the only world it knows
is about to be cut — and this is threatening. The ego is afraid of the
unknown and therefore jerks itself back to more firm familiar ground. This
is what it felt like in my own experience and how I interpreted it. I got to
the point where I could routinely come to the state of refined equanimity
within ten or fifteen minutes and maintain it off and on for the rest of the
hour or longer.
According to the book, the next step was the realization of Nibbana itself.
I guessed this to be the actual cutting of that fine thread holding the "self-
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cherishing-I" to the secure world, the quantum leap into the unknown. The
first experience of this state of non-duality is called "entering the stream."
This alludes to the fact that this experience is so evolutionary and tastes of
freedom, that the yogi or Sotapanna 22 will never regress, but be steadily
drawn as if floating on the current of a river, to the final goal of permanent
Nibbana within a relatively short period of time. v
Though Venerable Sivali had warned me against having expectations, I
held a trace of anticipation for that experience; but my ego had its own
subtle reservations. Every time consciousness approached that mental
jumping-off point, the complete transcendence, unconscious hesitation, or
fear as I deduced it, prevented it. Sometimes it felt as though the T was
delicately balanced on the pivotal point, but I couldn't quite let it dissolve.
Maybe I was trying too hard or had too much expectation. At any rate, I
was convinced that this was the correct method of development and that I
just had to work on it, to undermine any subtle latent doubts, fears, and
attachments which were no doubt holding the ego back. And I was willing
to accept that this could take a long time. I reflected on Samsara, the fact
that this deluded, clinging mind had been wandering through the six realms
since beginningless time accumulating so many layers of defilement. To
expect that I could purify or wash the mind clean in this short time (six
months) was certainly wishful thinking. But I knew that for me, now, there
was no other alternative or useful thing to do in life except see this thing
through to the end, no matter if it required the rest of this life, or longer.
I pondered again the perfect human rebirth, considering myself as being
one whose kammic time for the Dhamma was ripening — it seemed as if
there was no way out; I was somehow being sucked into it. These were
some of the fanciful ruminations that took up the slack between long
periods of exertive mindfulness. Sometimes thoughts about old friends,
going back home to lead a normal life, or more traveling would try and
creep in. But, fortunately by now my awareness was quick enough to see
these as just old broken records of memory and habit and they vanished
before giving them serious consideration.
*^ One who has entered the stream.
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The walking meditation and other slow motion movement activities
throughout the day afforded a different experience in terms of insight. The
deliberate, exaggerated, slow movements require more attentiveness and
they tend to 'catch' or attract awareness. While lifting, swinging forward
and lowering the foot, turning the head, stretching an arm and so forth, I
could clearly distinguish the beginning, brief duration and ceasing of each
minute movement. I was able to get a good feel how the movement and the
awareness of it coincided and I spent long, uninterrupted periods honing
attention on this process. On at least one occasion, I did actually experience
consciousness leap out, so to speak, simultaneously with the movement. It
was a lucid, momentary flash arising and vanishing in the void of the mind.
This helped me see how ordinary consciousness works in a similar manner
as a motion picture, being comprised of a continuous series of separate still
frames which mean little or nothing by themselves.
This penetrating insight exposed the illusory compactness or solid
appearance of physical objects and revealed their essentially empty nature. I
recalled my previous experience with computers and amused myself
comparing the workings of the body and mind to a computer console with
its input/output devices and seemingly infinite memory bank. The physical
body (hardware) can only function by the intricate network of nerve circuits
which relay vibrations (data) from the sense organs (input devices) to the
mind/brain memory bank. It is then all translated (conceptualized), sorted
out, decided upon (software) and the body is instructed to walk, sit, eat,
speak, etcetera (output devices).
After about ten days, the slow motion moving really got deep and seemed
to take off under its own momentum, becoming practically continuous and
effortless. Starting the moment I opened the eyes in the morning to the time
of closing them at night for sleep, I remained keenly aware of almost every
separate movement and without having to make so many mental notes. One
of my favorite activities of the day was taking a bucket bath at the large
sunken well. Looking at the bucket, reaching for it, picking it up, dipping it
into the water, raising it over the head, pouring it out, feeling the cool
wetness — repeating the process several times to get thoroughly wet — was
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performed in extra slow motion. Then I would rub the soap over the body,
rinse it off with several more buckets of water, reach for the towel, dry off,
put on a fresh sarong and wash the other if necessary — all in the same
zombie like manner. Unlike a zombie, however, awareness was very lucid
and everything had a bright, almost alive, texture — the bucket, water,
walls of the enclosure with plants growing in the cracks, the soap on my
skin and the skin.
I was captivated by the whole thing. It was almost like watching someone
else in a movie and at times it assumed the qualities of a vivid dream,
except that I was quite fully aware. It was similar to the quality of
perception I had sometimes experienced on psychedelics. I also attended
the calls of nature, brushed the teeth, tidied up the cell and so forth in a like
manner. Practicing in this way was very valuable for learning how to bring
meditation into activity and the mundane chores of daily life. It helped clear
up a certain misunderstanding and appreciate that meditation is not so much
something you do while sitting alone quietly but rather a state of clear
awareness and comprehension in whatever you do.
In spite of the contrary regulations, most mornings, I was doing at least a
few yoga exercises. I usually began with five or ten minutes of deep three
part breathing to oxygenate the blood, followed by forward and backward
bending to flex the spine, a couple leg stretching postures and one or two
one-leg standing poses to aid balance and concentration. I performed these
in the same mindful way so that it did not interrupt my meditative
awareness and I felt there was no harm in it. On the contrary, I found the
short routine very helpful in keeping good blood circulation and boosting
energy. I even repeated some of this or different postures in the late
afternoon just before the last group sitting. Of course, I carried this out
clandestinely in my room at times when the boy was not coming around.
From time to time, not being able to resist a convenient opportunity, I had
held brief, low pitched conversations with Chris and also with the two
Western monks. I was interested to find out how Chris was faring in his
first meditation retreat, inquiring if he was having any insights or strange
experiences. He replied that he was patiently plodding along with the basic
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practice, wrestling with his monkey mind and frequent tiredness; but
nevertheless, he was enjoying the peaceful surroundings, the silence,
solitude, good food, and discovering a lot about himself. Of the two
Western monks, one was an Englishman and one was a Canadian. In
talking with them I learned that it was fairly easy to get ordained in Sri
Lanka. The government and people understood the position of Westerners
and wholeheartedly supported any foreigners who wished to become
monks. A one year temporary residence permit was obtainable for those
who were serious about pursuing a long time course of scriptural study in
the Buddhadhamma and/or practicing intensive meditation. This was
encouraging and it sparked off fantasies of my own possible future
ordination and ascetic monk life.
A few days before the three weeks were over I began to plan what I might
do next. I was getting a bit antsy and would be ready for a change of
environment by then. I felt I had experienced and realized enough for now
and was satisfied that I knew the complete technique and subtleties of the
practice. I had in mind to continue this practice along with more yoga on
my own, perhaps at one of Ceylon's beautiful deserted beaches. A second
possibility was going to Kataragama in the south-east of the island where
there was reported to be a yoga ashram run by a Hindu Swami. It was
situated near the bank of a large river and the Swami had a few rooms and
cottages to accommodate Westerners.
First of all, however, Chris and I would return to Colombo to stay with
Sam for the upcoming days during Vesak. I wished to see first hand how
the Sinhalese Buddhists celebrate their most important religious holiday. I
had heard from Sam that giant colorful pandals were erected on the streets
of Colombo and people hung Vesak lanterns in their homes which he
recommended us to see. He had urged us to come back and stay with him
those few days and he would take us around to view the festivities.
When it came time to leave, I packed up my meager belongings, paid my
last respects in the shrine room, took a nostalgic glance around and
departed without much ado. Chris was leaving with me and we stopped by
Venerable Sivali's kuti to thank him for his kind, wise, patient and valuable
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guidance. I told him that I found it to be the most insight yielding,
satisfying and practical of all the Buddhist meditation techniques I had so
far encountered. In his characteristic calm, humble manner, he wished both
of us the best of luck in our respective Dhamma endeavors; after paying
obeisance we quietly left him in his solitude. By acquired habit we
proceeded out under the arch of the entrance gate, slowly and mindfully
walking the quarter mile down the country road to the bus halt at Delgoda
junction — we were now back in the real world.
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CHAPTER 16
UNAWATUNA BAIT
We had not informed Sam we were coming on this day but he was more
or less expecting us at any time. He was happy to see the two of us and was
anxious to hear about our meditation experiences. But as he had not
practiced intensive meditation himself, I found it difficult to try and
describe my deeper experience to him. It was like trying to describe atomic
physics in detail in a few sentences to someone with little mathematical
background, so I kept my descriptions fairly basic. In the early evening
some friends of Sam's paid a customary holiday visit and we had more
discussions from which I gleaned more about Vesak and Sinhalese customs.
Vesak is the Theravada Buddhist equivalent to the Christian Christmas. It
is the joyous recollection of the three auspicious events in the Buddha's life
— his birth, Enlightenment, and passing away or attainment of Parinibbana.
According to the Theravada tradition all these earth shaking events
occurred on a full moon day in the month of May of their respective years. 23
So the May full moon day, called Vesak, is honored as the thrice blessed
day and is a national holiday in Sri Lanka stretched over three days.
On the full moon day itself most devout Buddhists devote extra time in
reflection, worship and/or meditation. The more popular practice is to go to
a local temple, forest monastery or other specific location to spend the
whole day observing 'sil'. For this the participants come dressed in the
traditional white clothes referred to as a 'sil kit'. The program begins at 6
A.M. when a monk administers the Three Refuges and the five, eight or ten
precepts. The rest of the day is passed listening to bana preaching (Dhamma
sermons) by the resident or guest monks and/or laymen, performing pujas,
chanting gathas (Buddhist verses) and meditating. At recognized meditation
centers like Kanduboda and more remote forest hermitages, some of the
more sincere practitioners come the day before and spend two or three days
^ The Mahayana Buddhists in China, Japan, Korea and Vietnam have a different version, celebrating Buddha 's
Enlightenment in December and his birth in April.
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in a similar manner but usually with more emphasis on meditation. A large
number of others visit the local temple for an hour or two to make an
offering of flowers, recite a few gathas, chat with the temple monks or
listen to a bana. Others merely stay at home and perform their own private
puja or meditate in front of their home altar. Sam explained that these
practices are observed not only on Vesak but on the full moon day of every
month which are also designated as Poya (observance) days in Sri Lanka.
After dinner Sam, along with Tilak and two other friends, escorted us on
a leisurely stroll down Galle Face road to view a few large pandals. Pandals
are colorfully painted wooden constructions which depict the Buddha and
various scenes of his life or his previous lives (Jataka stories). They are
trimmed with hundreds of blinking colored lights and vary in height from
fifteen to thirty feet. Some kind of music usually blares out from
loudspeakers to attract public attention. Viewing them is a time for people
to get out of the house and enjoy themselves while walking up and down
the streets, meeting and chatting with friends. On our walk as I observed
people, I doubted whether anyone was actually giving any serious thought
or contemplating the Four Noble Truths while they were gazing and held
spellbound by all the gaudy glamour on the pandals. Personally I felt that
the money spent on erecting and electrifying these would be better spent
feeding the poor or some other such humanitarian gestures. I amused
myself by wondering what the Buddha would think if he could see how the
people were remembering him and his eternal message. Because of all the
inward focusing and contemplating on impermanence and so on, I could not
now suddenly shift my attention outwardly and be attracted to all this. It
was, however, a pleasant casual outing and a chance to become more
familiar with the people and culture.
The next day Chris and I went to a large temple to visit a revered, erudite
monk who Sam had told us about. The name of the temple was Vajirarama
and the monk we wanted to meet was Venerable Narada. He had written
many books on Buddhism and had traveled extensively in South-east Asia
where he had started something of a revival in Theravada Buddhism. He
was a much sought after teacher, preacher, and spiritual friend for many
here in his native Sri Lanka as well. When we arrived through the gate of
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the temple we found him sitting in his customary chair on the porch of the
temple library. A man and woman were already conversing with him so we
waited at a distance. When our turn came Chris and I paid our respects and
he bade us to sit down on a mat at his feet. The old monk had a warm
friendly smile and immediately asked us in very good English where we
were from and how long we had been in Sri Lanka, and if we were
practicing meditation.
After this polite ice-breaking talk, I described my introduction to
Mahayana Buddhism in Nepal and my subsequent experience in vipassana
with Goenka and then mentioned our just completed retreat at Kanduboda.
The calm, learned, old monk listened with an apparent interest and a
friendly grin saying, "continue, continue." Sol went on to describe how the
perception of impermanence led me to realize the unsatisfactory, empty
nature of the five aggregates and how I had now lost the desire to return to
normal worldly pursuits, that I might possibly become a monk in the future.
When I finished he commented with a gleam in his eye, "good, good." He
also gave me a copy of a pocket size Dhammapada which he had translated
from Pali into English. This was the first time I had seen this delightful
collection of the Buddha's concise but pithy words of wisdom and I
thanked him sincerely for it.
Venerable Narada then informed us that one of my fellow American
compatriots was a Buddhist monk and was currently staying at the
Vajirarama Temple for a few days. His name was Samitta and he had also
practiced meditation at Kanduboda and was leading a zealous ascetic
monk's life. I was interested in meeting and talking with him to possibly
find out a little more about the western monks scene here, as I did not have
much opportunity to freely discuss this at length with the two at
Kanduboda. Venerable Narada said we could meet him and sent word by an
attendant to Samitta's room to have him come if it was convenient for him
at the time. While waiting the friendly monk said we could have a look in
the library if we liked, which we did.
Now Samitta was approaching. He appeared to be very serene and
mindful as he slowly paced across the courtyard and sat down on a small
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chair. Venerable Narada introduced us to him and then left us to talk
between ourselves for a while. He himself got up out of his chair and took
his customary late afternoon stroll around the freshly whitewashed stupa in
the middle of the entrance compound, where other devotees were now
gathering. Samitta informed us that he did not like to talk too long or about
mundane matters because it dissipated his power of concentration and that
the real Dhamma was in practice, not worldly conversation. I could relate to
and appreciate this; after the three weeks at Kanduboda, I was also now
finding it disruptive and exhausting to speak for long stretches with Sam
and his friends. Samitta had been ordained at Kanduboda about six months
prior but was now on his own going to different secluded spots to practice
alone. He said he especially preferred places where there were wild animals
and snakes, as this helped him to develop strong concentration and
overcome fear. When I inquired how many other Western monks were
currently in Ceylon, he said he wasn't sure — they tended to come and go.
But he approximated twenty or twenty-five, saying they were scattered here
and there around the island living in small kutis or in forest monasteries. He
mentioned a famous monastery called Island Hermitage where most of the
Western monks had resided at one time or another and was the only place
where more than two or three ever stayed at the same time during the recent
years. It was situated on a small island in the middle of a large lagoon near
Galle on the extreme south coast.
Because of my evident interest, Samitta continued freely talking about a
few of the more recent generation of foreign bhikkhus 2 < One, in particular,
was an Englishman, Nyanavira, who had died several years back but was
reputed by some to have been a Sotapanna (the first stage of Sainthood). He
had lived a long time alone in a small cottage in the forest near the south
coast village of Bundala. Though he was supposed to be partially
Enlightened he ironically committed suicide there in his kuti by suffocating
himself with a plastic bag. It seems that he had been long suffering from a
terribly painful stomach ailment and couldn't bear the pain. This act,
however, caused some to speculate about his alleged attainment, saying that
a person of such high attainment would not purposefully take his own life
^ Pali word for monk; means literally scrap gatherer or one who subsists by begging alms.
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— it would be breaking the first precept v ' Samitta also mentioned an
American monk who had lived in Nyanavira's kuti just two years ago. The
story has it that he was walking about in the forest around the kuti one night
apparently without a flashlight and he stepped on a very aggressive
poisonous snake, which of course bit him. He died in the vicinity a few
hours later. Currently, a French monk was dwelling in the same kuti who
Samitta had visited on a few occasions. He lived a strict austere bhikkhu
life and favored remote solitary places which challenge the mind and bring
out deep rooted fear, the ego and other hang-ups. Hearing about all these
western monks, their dedication to the Dhamma and rigorous practice with
only the goal in mind gave me encouragement and inspiration. As he had
already talked enough for one day, Samitta was ready to go back to his
room for his evening meditation. I thanked him for his time and generous
information and asked if we might meet again; he replied, "It may be
possible," and I bid him a goodnight.
The next day was the actual full moon and Vesak day proper and Chris
and I spent it quietly in our small room meditating and reading. In the late
afternoon we accompanied Sam and his family to the nearby temple where
they offered flowers at the Bo-tree and Buddha Shrine while reciting the
appropriate devotional verses. The large holy tree had a wide sandy path
around the base where I sat down to meditate and reflect on Siddhartha's
pre-enlightenment struggle with Mara 25 under the Bodhi tree. While thus
seated white clad devotees, mostly ladies and children, walked very close
past me circumambulating the tree chanting Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu and other
verses. A few old ladies also sat down in different spots to recite stanzas or
quietly meditate.
I noticed in myself a subtle "holier than thou" 26 conceit as I sat there
trying to maintain a perfect lotus posture. The thought that I was more
advanced or a better Buddhist because I practiced yoga and meditation
became a nuisance but I could not seem to drive it out of the mind. After
twenty minutes of this monkey mindedness I began to wonder who was
•" Pali word meaning, The Tempter; the subconscious tendencies and ignorance which try and delude and pull one away
from meditation practice.
^Holier-than-thou (adj): Exhibiting an attitude of superior virtue; self-righteous ly pious. (Noted by Dhammavamsa)
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actually doing the purer practice. Was it I who was sitting saintly but
plagued by spiritual pride or was it the little old ladies in white repeating
Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu as they went around the Bo tree with simple but
perhaps pure devotion. This was a situation I would face many times and a
difficult question to honestly answer.
All in all, it was a simple quiet day and it gave me a glimpse of what was
called Sinhalese Buddhism about which I would have much more direct
expert experience in time to come. Before falling asleep, I fantasized
myself being an ascetic bhikkhu, ardently dwelling alone in the forest
leading what I pictured to be the ideal monk's life, leaving the world
behind. Little did I consciously know that on Vesak day exactly one year
hence, I would be ordained as a novice monk (samanera).
Since leaving the serene, conducive environs of Kanduboda that degree of
sensitive moment to moment awareness/comprehension naturally faded and
I was gradually returning to normal perception. But even so, there remained
a residual feeling of the insights which I could easily reflect on to bring the
mind back to a greater detachment to whatever I might be thinking about or
doing. This ability, I felt, was important to keep up and if this medium level
of awareness could be maintained even while traveling, socializing or living
more normally, it would be an effective achievement.
In those two days Chris and I discussed our immediate plans. At
Kanduboda Chris had befriended an English 'Yogi' named Gordon who left
a week before us. Gordon lived with his girlfriend in a rented house at
Unawatuna Bay, a large, curved, nearly deserted beach a few miles south of
Galle. He had invited Chris and me to come visit them if we ever passed
that way. His description of the place sounded like it could be a suitable
environment for another self retreat like at Arambol Lake. Chris was keen
on it also. We decided to leave as soon as possible because Sam's house
was a bit too congested and was not so conducive for our practice. We also
did not want to wear out our welcome or inconvenience them any longer
than necessary. Whenever we were there it usually meant someone else —
a friend, relative or house helper had to sleep on a mat in the living room
and I didn't feel comfortable knowing that, though Sam insisted it was OK.
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I tried to place myself in their position of having to play host and knew
there were limits.
Before leaving, I went downtown to the big Lake House bookstore and
browsed around for a few new books to take with me. I figured I would
have a lot of leisure time to read and I wished to expand my academic
knowledge in Buddhism and related subjects. I especially wanted to pick
out some more of the Wheel pamphlets which focused on different, specific
Theravada doctrines. After careful scrutiny and minutes of indecision, I
selected the individual subjects of Karma and Rebirth, Dependent
Origination, The Satipatthana Sutta, Seven Factors of Enlightenment, and
the Noble Eightfold Path. In addition to these thin pamphlets I bought a
book on Zen by D. T. Suzuki, entitled Living by Zen. While in the
downtown area, I went to the Pettah and bought another sarong to take
along. I was now quite used to and enjoyed this comfortable attire and
didn't care if I ever wore long pants again. Instead of a normal one, I had
my eye on buying the style of sarong that was worn by the Buddhist monks
under their outer robe. These under-robes, as they are called, are sewn
together in a patchwork design with large squares and come in my favorite
colors of yellow and orange. I did not pause to consider if wearing it would
be objectionable as I obviously was not a monk, still having my big bushy
beard. When I went into the store and asked the clerk for one it was sold to
me readily without question.
Chris and I thanked Sam, his wife, and mother-in-law for their
compassionate generosity and sincere hospitality in allowing us to freely
use their home as we needed. He reassured us that we were always
welcome whenever we came to Colombo and we were very grateful for
this. It was a nice feeling to know that there was a convenient and pleasant
place to call home, to use as a base or contact point. I was now having my
mail sent to this address rather than the Poste Restante, which saved an
unnecessary trip downtown to the GPO 27 and any of our accumulated
belongings such as my growing book collection could be left there without
worry. But the best thing was simply staying with a local middle class
*' GPO: General Post Office. (Noted by Dhammavamsa)
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family and getting to know first hand their head and hearts, and to share our
greater worldwide experiences with them.
A few miles past Hikkaduwa the bus passed through the village of
Dodanduwa where not far away was the large lagoon in the middle of
which sat Island Hermitage. Further past Dodanduwa the lagoon with the
tiny tree-covered island became visible in the far distance. I could just
barely make out the red tile roof of what I later learned was the hermitage's
library building. The setting for a monastery looked very idyllic indeed and
I felt that sometime I would visit there. I imagined saffron clad
bhikkhu/yogis sitting at the roots of trees in deep absorption or
contemplating impermanence and death as they mindfully paced up and
down the sandy pathways.
In Galle, we changed buses to carry us the three miles further south to
Unawatuna. Gordon had drawn Chris a little map of how to get to his
house, which was situated about half a mile off the main road. The walk
through the palm tree studded village was quite pleasant with many
children playing and staring at us two 'sudiks' as we passed by toting our
rucksacks. Coming out next to the bay my gaze was attracted over the
placid turquoise water to a rocky and palm tree covered hill on the other
side about a quarter mile distant. Sitting at the base of the hill at the end of
the curved palm-fringed beach was a walled enclosure containing a few
small yellow buildings. The isolated little compound exuded an air of
peaceful tranquility sitting there all by itself. Not a soul could be seen on
the whole crescent shaped white sandy beach. I was stunned by the
picturesque storybook setting and had something like a deja vu experience.
It felt as though a strong connection was made in my heart or mind. I could
only just stand there with my eyes thoughtlessly fixed upon that dreamlike
scene. It felt as though I was getting off on psychedelics.
Chris had not been so affected and was patiently waiting for me to come
with him to the house which was now close by. I told him to go on to the
house and I'd catch up in a few minutes. I had the urge to immediately walk
around the cove to get a closer look. But then I came back to reality and
decided to first meet Gordon and Mona. They were living in a big white
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house with a large front yard set back from the village road. The couple was
happy to see us and invited us in for tea and we exchanged our friendly
greetings. After some initial chit chat I inquired if they knew anything
about the enclosed compound I had seen. Mona said it was a
Hindu/Buddhist temple of sorts. From the little she knew it was called a
kovil or devale, a place where Hindu gods were worshipped, but one of the
buildings contained a large Buddha statue. Nobody lived there permanently
and the buildings were generally kept locked up. Mona did not know any
more than that but said if I was interested I could probably find out more by
questioning some of the local villagers, a few of whom spoke adequate
English. I mentioned my strong experience upon setting eyes on the
enchanting spot and had a hunch that it might be a suitable place for a
delightful sojourn.
I was still feeling the initial euphoria and was anxious to go check it out;
after a few more minutes I took off. Chris preferred to remain behind to get
in some additional visiting with our two new friends. Upon setting foot on
the beach, I was again captivated by the natural beauty of the whole bay. I
had the entire beach to myself. There were, however, a couple of fishermen
standing out on a coral reef in knee deep water and a few native catamarans
lined the curved beach. A gentle breeze blew through the palm branches
creating what was like music to my ears as I walked in the sand towards my
destination. The temple compound was situated right on the sand at the base
of the rocky scrub-covered and palm-studded hill. The gate was unlocked
so I went inside and had a look around, inspecting the outside of the three
locked buildings. The place was deserted of people, and fallen leaves from
the few trees were scattered about the sandy ground with other signs of
neglect. Peeping through the keyhole on the door of the largest building, I
discovered the large seated Buddha statue which filled up the small,
windowless inner shrine room.
From the back wall of the compound I watched the large swells of the
Indian Ocean rolling past the point. The main coastal road was about half a
mile away behind parts of the village and seaside palms. The noise of the
infrequent vehicles was barely audible, being drowned out by the sound of
the surf crashing against the rocky cliffs. I remained in the compound
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absorbing the exotic natural beauty and tranquility of what seemed to be a
little 'separate reality'; it brought on imaginations of Robinson Crusoe on a
deserted tropical isle and I could sense a subtle special energy permeating
the place. The sun was now setting on the opposite side of the hill out of
view and the pastel hues of the wispy clouds floating by enhanced the
dreamlike scene. I was 'blissed out'.
By now I decided that I would try to reside here, in or around the
compound, for a spell and perhaps get into some deep meditation. Just
outside the gate at the water's edge was a small sandy and grassy area that
looked ideal for doing my morning yoga practices. I fancied that I could
sleep right there on the beach as well, or if it rained, under the eaves of the
Buddha shrine on the concrete hallway running around it; perhaps I could
obtain permission and the key to open the door of the shrine to make pujas
and meditate inside; the sandy ground inside the enclosed area was perfect
for walking meditation. But first things first; I was not familiar with the
customs or superstitions regarding these religious shrines and whether or
not I would even be allowed to stay in or near the premises. I did not want
to just barge in and start dwelling here without permission from the proper
authority. I thought that whoever had the keys to the doors would be the
one to ask. I thought Chris might also be interested to stay there practicing
intensively with me and we could give each other moral support. As it was
almost dark, I would accept Gordon and Mona's offer to sleep at their
house this night and in the morning make the necessary inquiries.
To make a long story short, we got permission to use the devale from the
monk at the local village Buddhist temple. He gave us the key to the
Buddha shrine to use for meditation. Gordon and Mona invited us to come
take our meals with them each day. But Chris and I decided to fast for the
first couple of days, setting the right mood of austerity.
As we walked through the village on the road which led to the back part
of the bay, villagers came to their doors and curiously watched the two of
us pass by, not having seen many western tourists here. We found the beach
and the devale deserted as I had the previous evening and after setting our
gear down, I opened the door to the Buddha room to inspect it more fully.
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The statue was sculpted out of brick and cement in the seated cross legged
posture with the robe portion painted an orange color in the typical Sri
Lankan style. It filled almost the whole room with only a few feet between
the door and the base upon which it sat. An offering table for candles, oil
lamps, flowers and incense occupied almost the entire space between the
door and the Buddha, and a donation box stood in the corner. Chris and I
inaugurated our retreat with a ritual puja, lighting a candle, a stick of
incense and making three prostrations. We took refuge in the Triple Gem
by reciting the
traditional Pali
formula and I
recited some
Tibetan prayers to
instill motivation
and share the
potential merit of
our endeavors
with all sentient
beings.
With all these
formalities
completed, Chris and I spread our bedrolls out under the eave on the
backside of the Buddha Shrine, where we'd be somewhat out of view if
anyone should happen to enter the premises. I donned for the first time the
new yellow monk's sarong and stripped off my shirt to feel more at home
and comfortable in the warm humid climate.
The two of us then spent some time in the mid afternoon reconnoitering
the area and climbed the hillock behind to get a magnificent 360 degree
view. We were standing at the tail end of a long rocky ridge and mountain
that extended about two miles back towards Galle. It acted as a huge natural
sea wall separating the surging Indian Ocean from the bay and village area.
On the hilltop we were virtually surrounded by water on three sides with
only an approximate fifty foot width of land connecting the hillock with the
rest. A reef jutted far into the bay from in front of the kovil, nullifying the
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incoming breakers which continually roll past the point, creating a small
protected cove of shallow turquoise clear water. Everywhere could be seen
only sparkling water, swaying palms and a long curved sandy beach
stretching far to the south. The old town of Galle with its 17th century
Dutch fortress and modern lighthouse could be seen about a mile away in
the distance. All in all it was an incredibly beautiful display of natural and
even man-made beauty which would keep me spellbound for weeks to
come.
Being here was like a dream come true and I couldn't help but ponder
over the kamma that brought me to this secluded paradise. I was sitting on a
deserted beach in the midst of probably the most beautiful seacoast
landscape I had ever laid eyes on, blissed out of my skull — and without
drugs. Was it merely for social reasons that I decided to stop here to meet
Gordon and Mona or was that only a front or stepping stone for something
deeper? In the manner that I was first captivated, I figured that this place
had been unconsciously attracting me like the pull of a strong magnet. And
now that I was here — how long would I remain? That, too, was most
probably beyond my conscious control and I would leave it up to nature.
When I got or learned enough of whatever it had to offer, I would move on
with the winds of my past and present kamma. I went on ruminating in this
way, considering how the major incidents and events in my life, especially
those of post high school days, helped create the mental conditions which
eventually led me to the East. I felt that the experiences I had in the army
and with drugs influenced my subconscious mind to begin questioning the
validity of so-called normal society and the pursuit of happiness. And this
in turn somehow attracted me to try Transcendental Meditation and
subsequently come to India with all the situations I had gotten myself into
(relations with Gail, dealing drugs, events in Afghanistan, etcetera) as being
more 'grist for the mill 28 '. Since that turning point at Kopan, the inner
search or quest for Truth had become more or less a conscious endeavor,
being sustained and prodded along by the unconscious yearning for deeper
experience. This sequence of reflections I would mull over time and time
^° Grist for the mill (idiom): Something that can be used to advantage. (Noted by Dhammavamsa)
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again in the future months; it helped cement the reality of the Perfect
Human Rebirth.
Chris and I awoke before sunrise, lit a candle and stick of incense and sat
just inside the door of the shrine for about an hour. By then the light of
dawn was penetrating the doorway and the unmistakable sounds of crows
were rousing us from our contemplation, or perhaps daydreaming. It was
now time for a yoga session out on the beach which we were both looking
forward to. Putting on our shorts, we brought the straw mats and laid them
on the grassy area at the edge of the sand. The high tide was washing up
within a few feet. After intoning the AA-OO-MM into the respective lung
lobes as we had learned it, we went ahead and performed most of the
polarity movement exercises in the order that we could remember, carrying
on for about an hour. As we were intending to fast this day there was no
hurry to finish. The warm early morning sunshine rose from across the bay,
gently bathing our bodies, and I could feel the invigorating but relaxing
energy absorbing into me.
About 9:30 I sought relief from the hot sun, returning to the shady eaves
behind the Buddha shrine, where I found Chris already reading. I thumbed
through some of the Wheel pamphlets in my pack, trying to decide which
one to read first. After some initial indecision, I chose the Satipatthana
Sutta. This particular discourse by the Buddha was his original teachings on
the practice and development of insight/wisdom in the form of the four
foundations of mindfulness. It was from the all-encompassing instructions
given in this series of precise contemplations that the more specific and
popular vipassana techniques were derived. So I was anxious to become
familiar with the original text and with this I joined Chris leaning up against
the wall and commenced reading.
After an hour of stimulating reading we both began sitting for an hour's
meditation. Before the hour was up, I heard some noises outside the devale
and recognized it was people coming inside. I tried to put it out of the mind
with 'hearing, hearing' but that did not work so well. They came right into
the hallway and stopped a few feet away from us, whispering among
themselves and placing things on a table which was in the corner. I was
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curious to find out what was going on so I slowly raised one of my eyelids
to take an inconspicuous peek and found them looking right into my eye. I
quickly shut the eye again to think about it. There were two old women,
one man and two children with a few baskets on the table. It was quite
obvious that they wanted our attention and I knew it would do no good to
try and ignore them, pretending to be in oblivious samadhi. They now knew
I was conscious of their presence. The hour was almost up anyway, so I
opened both eyes and shot a glance at Chris who seemed to be waiting for
me to make the first move. The people were busying themselves taking
plates, bowls and containers of food out of the baskets, and I soon realized
that they wanted to offer us a meal. None of them spoke English and in my
few broken words of Sinhalese along with sign language I tried to make it
known that the two of us did not desire to eat, that we were fasting. I
thought maybe they had a mistaken impression that we were monks, so I
pointed to our hair and my bushy beard, saying, "No monks, no monks." It
was a hopeless case. These simple villagers could not understand my futile
explanation, or else they did not believe it or they simply did not care. To
them we had to eat, being monks or not it did not matter, and the plates
were becoming piled high with rice and curries. It was too late. Chris and I
looked at each other with puzzled expressions and I told him that to be
polite we might as well break our fast and eat some of it so as not to hurt
their feelings. They appeared to be sincere and devoted Buddhists, whoever
they were, and the two old ladies were fussing over getting everything
ready. They prepared a small plate of food which was offered to the
Buddha, as is the custom before serving monks, and they knelt down in
front of the altar chanting the appropriate stanzas for this act of merit.
When everything was ready we were offered glasses of water which they
had also brought along for washing our hands and drinking, and then they
handed us the heaping plates. The ladies stepped back and held their hands
in the respectful namaskar as if waiting for us to say something in response.
I did not know the proper kind of merit transference and blessings that the
monks traditionally recite so I said, "Bohoma stuti" (thank you very much).
They seemed to get a kick out of my few words of Sinhalese and they
smiled and watched on, waiting for us to begin eating. I closed my eyes and
radiated Metta to our humble, generous well wishers for half a minute and
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then reflected on the purpose of eating (in order to keep the body strong
enough for practicing Dhamma) for a few moments and began mindfully
eating. Heaped around the plate were several different vegetable curries
with the inevitable chilies. I was aware that all of this would really blow the
hell out of the light airy feeling I was having from not eating breakfast and
it would probably cause me drowsiness in the afternoon.
I deliberately did not eat too much rice and selected what I thought was
the least hot of the chili laced curries. I stole a few quick glances at Chris,
who seemed to be relishing all of it. While so engaged I spied on the table a
pot of curd and plateful of bananas which I expected were for dessert, and
saved some room for it. The sweet old ladies were so caring and concerned
that it really touched my heart; I wanted to eat enough to make it worth
their effort coming all the way out here carrying the heavy baskets. They
stood at a respectful distance observing our plates, ready to rush over with
another spoonful of this or that when something got low. After I indicated
that I had had enough, the man who had been standing idly around brought
us a bowl of water to wash our soiled fingers. Next, the ladies brought us
each a cupful of curd and poured treacle 29 over it, and after that, bananas.
Now, as if all this was not enough, the man pulled out a thermos bottle
along with cups and saucers. I thought to myself, "My God, tea or coffee
too?" Yep, they served us each a cup of sweetened black coffee, I suppose
to aid digestion. The full course "beggars banquet" was now complete and
they began packing all of the leftovers and dirty dishes back into the
baskets.
At this point I did not know quite what to do. The monks usually chanted
some blessings for the dana they received. So I played it by ear, waiting to
see if they were expecting a blessing of some sort. But the women did not
appear to want anything from us. Because we were foreigners they
probably figured we didn't know the customs and so forth and were simply
content that they could offer us poor starving yogis our main meal for the
day. The merit from their compassion and generosity would accrue to them,
in their minds, without any need for special blessings from others. Before
*" A kind of liquid brown sugar tapped from the Kitul tree. Curd with treacle had been served as dessert nearly every
day at Kanduboda and I developed a liking to it.
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they departed, I gestured the two old ladies with namaskar and a big
Bohoma stuti. They reverently returned the namaskar with the familiar
Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu!
When the small group had left, Chris and I discussed the incident, trying
to figure it out. The only explanation we could come up with was that the
word must have leaked out that two foreign yogis were dwelling in the
devale practicing yoga and meditation. And thinking we had nothing to eat,
these dear souls took it upon themselves to feed us. Even though we both
would have preferred to continue fasting for at least one more day, we were
grateful for their thoughtful consideration. We wondered if it would happen
again but did not want to expect it.
As I figured, the lunch caused drowsiness, and not caring to fight it off by
sitting like at Kanduboda, I laid down for a little nap. Upon awakening, I
read some more of the Foundations of Mindfulness. It described how to
contemplate the body as being just a composite of thirty-two parts starting
with the hair, nails, teeth, skin, and bones. One is not to conceive of the
body as a man or woman, beautiful or ugly, but perceive it merely as a
collection of parts which are subject to breakage, decay and death. One then
further analyzes it as essentially only the four primary elements of Earth,
Fire, Water and Air. By this the yogi overcomes the idea of body parts,
which could still cause attachment and identification as one's self.
While these ideas were still fresh in my mind I decided to stop reading
and try out this novel contemplation. I could readily see the practical
psychology behind all these contrived contemplations. As long as the body,
or any physical object, for that matter, is regarded as being real, individual,
beautiful, desirable or even undesirable, the potential for personal
identification, attachment, craving or aversion will remain. The 'self-
cherishing-I' will sustain itself through infatuation with his or her own body
and lusting after other bodies and attractive objects.
I was eager to experiment with these techniques while doing walking
meditation, so after sitting I went to the rear of the compound out of view. I
imagined my own body as merely an empty skeleton as I slowly paced up
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and down, and found it very effective, especially with my eyes closed. All
of these mental x-rays helped me to appreciate even more the supremely
wise Buddha with all his clever, skillful means for rousing people out of
their normal waking dreamlike state.
In the late afternoon we were paid a visit by a village man named
Eustace, who spoke relatively good English. He had heard about us via the
village gossip network and he brought with him a thermos full of hot tea,
which he offered and we gratefully accepted. Eustace explained that very
few people in the area spoke English and he just wanted to be friendly and
to keep up his English speaking ability. I seized this opportunity to ask our
new friend why those people had brought us lunch. Eustace explained that
they heard two foreigners had just arrived to live in the lonely kovil to
practice austere meditation, and this pleased them. Most were simple people
and devoted Buddhists but knew little about real meditation except that it
was the way to attain Nibbana, whatever that meant to them.
The villagers were caught up in their mundane daily life and felt they
could not meditate and reach Nibbana in this life. They knew, however, that
it was their duty as Buddhists to support anyone who earnestly tried to
achieve the goal. If a person did attain Enlightenment supported by their
dana, it would be great merit for them. When I asked Eustace if the people
knew we were not monks, he replied that it did not matter to them. It was
our apparent sincere effort to practice meditation that inspired their hearts.
He said that nowadays their own native priests had for the most part
abandoned the more traditional, austere, meditative bhikkhu life to engage
in scholastic study, social works and even politics, so there was not much
inspiration.
The villagers were particularly tickled that we as Westerners had come
halfway around the world and in their eyes sacrificed so much to take up, in
such primitive conditions, the Buddha's way. He said a lot of the local
families would probably be anxious to offer us dana and inquired if we
were vegetarians. Speaking more for myself, I informed Eustace that we
were trying to be and that we preferred the red country rice and half boiled
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vegetables and fruits; that we did not care for chilies. He said he would try
and spread the word around.
That evening we again climbed the hillock to watch the sunset and
practice three part deep breathing. It was very exhilarating with the strong
breeze blowing the fine mist from the crashing waves into the face, while
ominous gray clouds drifted in from the southwest blotting out the sun — a
breathtaking display of nature. Before dark we descended and resumed
sitting quietly on the grass in front of the kovil. The tranquil surface of the
cove and the branches of the palms fluttering in the wind provided many
minutes of serene gazing and listening until we were completely swallowed
up in the dark of night. As the moon rose and lit up the compound, I again
took to 30 pacing to and fro reflecting on this thirty-two part, four element
prattling illusion called 'myself. I found it extremely powerful and
effective. It was as though the body was walking by itself and the mind,
like the open sky, was filled with an incredible clarity and waves of
soothing bliss, adding ever more new dimensions to my accumulating
understanding.
Before sleeping, I sat at the feet of the compassionate Buddha image. I
pictured the faces of mom, dad, and my gurus, sending them waves of
golden warm Metta, systematically extending it to encompass all samsaric
beings throughout the infinite universes until all gross distinctions of self
and others melted into the cosmic light. I tried to hold this partial absorption
as long as possible. This was the way I would close each day, and I found it
complementary to vipassana for approaching the threshold of Non-duality.
I had not cut my hair since that fateful day at Kopan and now after six
months it was two or three inches long. In this hot, humid climate even that
relatively short length was a noticeable burden on top of my head. I
remembered the relief and lightness I had experienced upon cutting my hair
back then, and after some deliberation I decided to cut it again. It would
help keep my latent vanity down and give me more of a monkish image,
considering the way I was living here. I did not, however, feel like shaving
•'" Take to (idiom): To apply or devote oneself to (as a practice, habit, or occupation): take to begging. (Noted by
Dhammavamsa)
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off the bushy beard, though I knew I had residual attachment to it. I
reasoned that once I started shaving I would have to keep it up, which
would become an extra mundane chore to perform every few days. Chris,
who had been experiencing an itchy scalp recently, was thinking along the
same lines, so after lunch that day we took the bus into Galle to find a
barbershop. This was the first time we had left the immediate vicinity of our
little oasis and we stopped in to say "hi" to Gordon and Mona, who were
naturally glad to see us. They had been meaning to come to the devale to
see how we were faring but, on second thought, figured it might be too
early, that we might be enjoying our solitude. They filled us in on the
village gossip; everyone thought we were 'good yogis', always meditating
and doing yoga, and they were all eager to support us in our noble
endeavors to attain Nibbana. After a cup of tea and fifteen minutes of
amiable chit chat, Chris and I continued our way back out through the long,
strung-out village to the Galle/Matara road. Several villagers came out to
look at us and appeared to know who we were, whispering in Sinhala, "the
white yogis at the devale."
We had some difficulty in recognizing a barber shop but finally stumbled
upon a wooden shack on a side street, having a single chair on a dirty floor
and a large mirror hanging on the wall. A fairly young man in a white
sarong and undershirt was standing idly outside and I inquired if he was a
barber. I did this by pointing to my hair and making a scissors movement
with my fingers. He smiled and shook his head in agreement and ushered us
inside the low-ceiling hut. There was only one chair and Chris beat me to
the punch in saying that he would wait outside while I went first. The man
was equipped with only a pair of scissors, a comb and a 'cut throat' straight
razor, which I did not fancy him scraping my head with. I did not
particularly wish to come out too monkish looking, as I was already
wearing the yellow patchwork monk's under- robe and an orange shirt. A
freshly shaven head along with that semi-monk garb and my bushy reddish
beard might really throw the village folks into a quandary. So I instructed
him to cut the hair down as close as he could with only the scissors.
Chris, on the other hand, hoping to rid himself of dandruff, opted for a
clean-shaven dome. He was wearing a plain white sarong and white banyan
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so he would not be taken for an ordained monk either. But as the two of us
walked through Galle afterwards to have a look at the old Dutch Fort and to
do some shopping, we received some mighty long stares and puzzled looks.
While walking back through the village to the beach all the residents
noticed our changed appearances, evidenced by the giggles and finger
pointing, especially by the jubilant children. Again we stopped at Gordon
and Mona's and the couple thought our new look was fitting. We took this
opportunity to have a bucket bath at their well and I filled up the water
container. I was now in a hurry to get back to the seclusion of our new
dwelling.
Over the next six weeks the routine continued with pre-dawn puja,
meditation and sunrise yoga. Different groups of villagers faithfully
brought us lunch each day. And many mornings someone would bring us
breakfast as well. It was very touching to see how much these poor people
cared about us total strangers. All of this devout generosity by these
materially poor, rural folks made me stop, recheck, and strengthen my
motivation. Was I worthy to receive this overflowing attention? I had
access to more money or material possessions than they could ever hope to
have, yet I was accepting their alms, taking from their own mouth. They
were making a spiritual investment in us, counting on us as it were to attain
Nibbana. I had to live up to that image to the best of my ability and not be
hypocritical or eat their alms in vain. It was a difficult position to suddenly
find myself in but it helped me remain on my toes — being aware of
tendencies to back-slide and reflecting on the perfect human rebirth. Even
so I still felt a little uneasy. Eustace said it would break their hearts if we
refused their generosity.
Each day we sat to meditate for an hour before lunch and again at three
P.M. At five P.M. we did some more yoga and went up on the hilltop for
sunset deep breathing and meditation. Then we sat on the sand in front of
the devale until becoming too sleepy to continue. There was even a sweet
old lady living nearby who brought us a thermos of sweet tea during this
night meditation. On some days this flexible schedule was modified to
accommodate unexpected visitors or other special circumstances. Gordon
and Mona came on a few occasions to watch the sunset or meditate with us.
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Chris and I alternated going to their house to bathe and bring back drinking
water. Since it was a public shrine, people would come to worship and
make pujas from time to time, sometimes arriving in big tour parties. They
usually showed up while the two of us were meditating, which aroused their
curiosity greatly, with them whispering and shuffling around to get closer
for a better peek. We became somewhat of a novelty in these parts.
Word of our presence spread to Galle and even Matara twenty miles to
the south. Several persons came with the sole intention of meeting and
speaking with the 'foreign yogis'. If we were not meditating, they would try
and engage us in conversation. The ones who presented themselves politely
and who appeared well educated we would generally happily converse
with, as long as the subject was about the Dhamma or related topics. And
we did meet a few well-versed, spiritually minded, interesting persons with
whom we held lively and lengthy conversations. But most of the inquisitive
visitors used this as an opportunity to practice their English, which was
largely limited to the standard mundane questions: What is your country?
Do you have brothers or sisters? Are you married? Why are you staying in
this lonely place? Being posed the same questions over and over became
rather annoying and even ludicrous, but it taught us more patience and
compassion.
Once in a while we would be awakened in the middle of the night by
people coming to make a puja to the gods and exorcize evil spirits. In Sri
Lanka, being possessed or influenced by evil spirits is a common belief and
persons thinking themselves so possessed come to devales to rid themselves
of the menace. This particular kovil happened to be such a place where they
came to be dispossessed and, for some reason, it usually occurred in the
dead of night. Accompanying the person was a man called a 'devil dancer'
who performed the ritual puja and acted as the medium or exorcist, calling
forth the aid of the gods.
Out of curiosity Chris and I got up on a couple of these occasions to
watch the proceedings. The possessed person brought along a basket of
things necessary for the puja including flowers, incense, coconut oil, lamp
wicks, a husked coconut and other fruits. They usually came to the Buddha
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shrine first to routinely offer a few flowers and incense, perhaps thinking to
appease the Buddha (if that is possible) before appealing to the gods for
more worldly help. Following this they returned to the shrine of the
principal god where they prepared everything. Small oil lamps were lit and
placed in different locations around the compound, especially under the
giant boulder near the back which was supposed to be the 'power spot.'
During the preliminaries the coconut was smashed on a rock letting all the
water run out onto the ground. The possessed then went inside the inner
sanctum with the devil dancer or devale priest who performed the ritual.
Wearing a costume and a mask he shook a rattle, rang bells, and jumped
around while chanting incantations, sometimes even shouting and
harmlessly hitting the person. When I say this I thought it was superstition
and hocus pocus. But with talking to some of the possessed people
afterwards, they said it did have some effect; they felt freer and better as a
result. Maybe it was all in the mind?^'
As I continued reading through the Wheel pamphlets I was most
interested in the doctrine of Dependent Origination. I had heard of these
twelve inter- dependent links which turn the wheel of life at Kopan and read
and heard it mentioned elsewhere but had never studied it closely. This
theory of conditioned reality expounded by the Buddha is unique in the
field of religion and stands at the core of the Buddha's profound Wisdom. It
illustrates how the whole world of creation with the rounds and birth and
death (samsara) is perpetuated for each individual through ignorance and
craving.
On the surface this describes the process of birth and death as it relates to
the successive existences in samsara. But at the deepest level it pertains to
the birth and death of consciousness with each successive mind moment in
which all twelve of these interdependent factors play their role. I read
through this several times in order to memorize it and then spent several
periods of meditation going over this as a kind of intellectual discursive
contemplation, while at the same time trying to observe the process going
on in the mind. It added yet another interesting dimension of wisdom to
investigate. As I observed the arising and passing away of sensory
stimulation I tried to detect and reflect on the various levels of ignorance
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and how it produces the mental activities. I observed how sensory contact
spontaneously triggers pleasant or unpleasant feelings along with the
attending attachment, aversion, desire, craving, grasping and fresh actions
— moving a sore leg to relieve the pain or shooing away a mosquito.
I recalled in my own life how this deluded ego energized mind lured by
desire and lust had gone on forging strong habits by which I had performed
many unwholesome actions and reaped subsequent physical and mental
pain and caused others to suffer. I imagined that if this powerful thirsty
mind was not tamed, if the exuberant energy was not re-channeled in a
more refined spiritual direction, then this ego-consciousness would go on
wandering through samsara aimlessly and endlessly. I understood that the
more or less frequently we repeat our thoughts and actions based on
ignorance or wisdom, the stronger or weaker those habits become; and
according to the strength of our ignorance or wisdom it would perpetuate
(with ignorance) or eventually terminate (with wisdom) the cycle of
samsara. It all made terrific logical sense to me and the more I observed
these things in myself and in others I became quite sold on the Buddha's
formula for rebirth and liberation.
In some of our talks with Eustace and a few others the subject of Chris
and I becoming real or official monks came up. Many people in the area
would have liked to see us two foreigners in robes. This idea, of course,
was not new to me; it had been in the back of my mind ever since the
experience at Kopan. It had been brought back to a more conscious level
recently by the conversations with Samitta and the two Western monks at
Kanduboda. But since arriving at Unawatuna I had all but forgotten about it
and was content living as we were, which was almost a monk's life
anyway. However, now that the subject was brought up again and presented
to both of us as a kind of proposal, we began to seriously consider the
possibility. As time was passing on I realized more and more that I had no
incentive left to revert to ordinary life or to just keep bumming around the
world seeking different experiences. And now with this renewed discussion
on the topic, and all the physical requirements for such a move near at
hand, I spent some time 'soul searching.' It didn't take long to realize that I
was probably as ready as I would ever be in terms of mental resolve and
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sincere motivation, which made it seem like the next natural step. Chris, on
the other hand, was not so sure of his deep inner commitment to a Buddhist
monk's life, but the idea of becoming monk appealed to his romantic,
adventurous fancies in a manner of "let's try and see."
It would mean a lot to the villagers who were supporting us; it would be a
very auspicious event and a source of great merit for them to have a hand in
getting us ordained. Eustace enthusiastically described how there would be
a big procession with us riding on elephants through the village and along
the Galle/Matara road complete with the whole traditional ceremony. So I
figured that if I was to ordain at all I should first give these kind hearted
people the opportunity to share actively in it. Eustace informed us of a big
temple a few miles away where he knew the High Priest; Valle Devale was
actually under his jurisdiction as was the Yaddehimulla village temple.
Eustace thought we might be able to receive our ordination there and he
offered to take Chris and I to meet the Venerable High Priest and present
the matter to him.
A few days later Eustace came early in the morning and we walked the
three or four miles into the interior and across rice paddies to the big
temple. Besides being a temple it acted as a school or training center for
about twenty young novice monks who were studying for the higher
priesthood. Eustace introduced Chris and I to the Chief Incumbent who
spoke no English and we paid our obeisance with three carefully executed
prostrations. He bade us sit down. Eustace explained to him how we had
been living at the devale, which he already was aware of, and now the two
of us desired to don the saffron robe. This took the somber elder priest by
surprise and he seemed a bit puzzled. He finally replied that he was happy
to hear we wanted to follow in the footsteps of Lord Buddha but because
we were foreigners he was not sure of the procedure. He would need some
time to think it over.
When we went back to the temple a few days later for his answer the
Chief Priest regrettably informed us that he could not grant us ordination.
He was not sure of the government's policy towards admitting foreigners to
the Sangha. He felt it would be better if we went to Island Hermitage or the
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Vajirarama in Colombo. He also did not have the proper facilities for
training us as none of the other monks spoke English and communication
would be difficult. He explained that new monks were supposed to stay
with their preceptor/teacher generally for a least five years to receive
training in the proper monks' etiquette (code of discipline) memorizing
scriptural passages, learning Pali and studying the ancient texts. Chris and I,
of course, were not so much interested in that. We mainly just wanted to
continue our own meditative lifestyle at the devale. I guess we figured it
would be easy as pie to just get ourselves ordained, wear the robe, and be
free to do as we liked, as Samitta seemed to be doing. We hadn't even
given thought to the fact that we might have to live in a monastery for a
certain period of time and undergo formal training. Even though I had built
up an expectation in those few days of waiting, this news did not let me
down too much. We were, however, somewhat sorry for the villagers who
had become quite excited over the prospect (Eustace had spread the rumor)
and now they might be a little disappointed. The two of us merely carried
on like before as though those few days had been only a dream.
It was now about two weeks before our visas expired and we would have
to return to Colombo to obtain another two months extension. The novelty
of dwelling here at the devale was wearing off and I had finished reading
all of the books I'd brought. It was also beginning to rain quite heavily,
being the southwest monsoon season, and it was not so pleasant living
exposed to the elements as we were. During long rainstorms which
sometimes lasted all day Chris and I would sit inside the Buddha shrine and
at night slept just inside the door where we could keep relatively dry and
warm. I was still quite enamoured with the charming place. But I guess
deeper down the latent restlessness or need for a change began to stir, and it
seemed like a natural time to move on. I decided to journey to Kataragama
as I was already nearly halfway there. I would return to Colombo directly
from Kataragama two or three days prior to the expiration date of my visa.
Chris, however, opted to stay in Unawatuna for a few days longer staying
with Gordon and Mona at their house and then perhaps go his own way. We
planned to meet again in Columbo at Sam's house two or three days before
the visas expired and go together for the extension. We informed Eustace
and the other villagers that we would be leaving soon to move on with the
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winds of our kamma, which they were able to understand. I told Eustace
that this particular spot was very special to me and that I had a strong
feeling I would return someday. Jokingly I said, "Maybe the next time I
come I'll be wearing the robe." And how true that would turn out to be.
When I arrived back in Colombo a few days later Chris was already at
Sam's. Sam had been on weekend duty at the Air Force headquarters and
returned this evening to find us both back, after nearly two months. Chris
and I related all of our mutual and individual tales to his eagerly listening
ears which he translated to his wife, son and mother-in-law. They were
especially happy to hear of our nearly joining the monkhood and Sam
inquired if we still had that desire. I replied that we would be putting off
any such move until returning from India. He seemed to agree with that
logical reasoning.
Chris and I now had to decide what we would each do for the next two
months, taking it for granted we would receive a two months extension the
following day. Sam's mother and father along with two of his brothers and
their families lived on the family's ancestral property situated on a hillside
just outside of the Kandy city limits. Sam encouraged us to go up and spend
some time in the beautiful old hill capital. His ageing parents lived alone in
one of the three houses and there was a big extra room where we would be
welcome to stay as long as we wanted. Sam's spry old father spoke good
English and was a learned pious Buddhist who also practiced meditation
and was keen on discussing the finer points of Dhamma. We decided to do
just that. Kandy was also the place where the famous German monk,
Venerable Nyanaponika lived in a hermitage in the forest. He was the
author of, The Heart of Buddhist Meditation mentioned earlier. I was keen
on visiting him.
The next morning Chris and I went downtown to the immigration
department and without too much difficulty obtained an additional two
months visa. We were told however that this would be our last extension
and that we would have to leave the Island. While downtown I penned an
aerogramme to Mom and Dad. I told them about my continued interest in
meditation and Yoga and my going to India for six months. As a long term
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projection I told them that I would probably return to Sri Lanka after
completing the Yoga course.
That afternoon the two of us went over to the Vajirarama Temple thinking
to pay our respects to Venerable Narada and see if perhaps Samitta might
be around. Just outside the temple gate we bumped into the tall brown
robed American monk as he was coming out of the premises. Samitta
informed us that the Venerable Narada was currently in Indonesia on one of
his periodic Far Eastern Dhamma teaching missions and wouldn't be back
until the end of the three months rainy season period. He himself was
spending the three month 'Vas' at a secluded aranya about thirty miles
outside Colombo but had come to the big city to attend to some needed
dental work. He was now on his way to a dental appointment.
While standing there chatting an old man who was on his way into the
temple stopped in front of us and with some difficulty got down on his
knees to pay respect to Samitta. Samitta, of course, was wrapped up neatly
in his dark colored forest-monk robe and he said a few Sinhala words to
bless the pious old man. But then the feeble fellow turned to make the same
obeisance to me. I was surprised and a little embarrassed at this and I took a
couple of steps backward while Samitta tried to tell the man that I was not a
monk. The devout old man evidently did not hear or didn't care and
finished his three bows in my direction and then turned to Chris and did the
same. Our hair was still quite short and I was wearing the yellow sarong
and an orange shirt, so he might have mistaken us for swamis or something.
When the man had gone inside the temple Samitta rebuked me for wearing
the distinguishable monk's under robe saying it could fool people into
thinking I was a monk as it may of had with the man. He said I was not an
ordained monk and it was not proper. He frankly added that he did not want
to be seen in public with me nor should I bother to visit him again if I
persisted in wearing it. He also suggested not to wear my orange shirt. All
of this hit me unexpectedly as a mild shock and I could only manage to
respond by saying in a calm tone, "Okay." The monk then said rather
curtly, "I have to be going" and he took off walking down the street,
leaving me and Chris looking at each other with question marks. In all the
time that I had been wearing that yellow sarong in public places, even in
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front of Sinhalese monks in temples, no one had ever commented on it — at
least not to me directly. But after considering it, and out of deference to
Samitta and the Sangha, I stopped wearing it in public.
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CHAPTER 17
GOTHAMA TAPOVANAYA
The old capital Kandy, situated in a cooler climate was a welcome
change from the hot humid coastal region. Sam's family were very gracious
hosts and gave us a big room to stay in. However on the second day Chris
was admitted to the hospital. For the past week he had had increased
swelling in his feet and he went to the Kandy hospital to have them
examined. The doctor could not say immediately what the exact problem
was but he recommended that Chris be warded for further tests and x-rays.
Having heard so much about strange tropical diseases, Chris did not want to
take any chances on letting it go unchecked, so he reluctantly consented to
being warded.
The ward he was housed in was a simple barracks style building with
open sides and no screens to keep out flies and mosquitoes. The beds were
lined up on both sides of the long dormitory room with no individual
privacy. The linen was changed or washed only once a week and the meals
were very basic. But it was free; what else could be expected from a poor
country. For the next ten days until Chris was released I went each day to
see how the tests were coming and to keep him company for an hour or
two, bringing along some fruits and other nutritious foodstuffs to
supplement the hospital fare. This was an opportunity to exercise selfless
compassion to make up for my weakness in this respect from the
experience with Ronald in Nepal. I also went to the Buddhist Publications
Society and bought some of the Wheel pamphlets for him to read.
During this time I paid a visit to Venerable Nyanaponika Thera. He lived
in a big house set deep within a lush forest just outside of the city and the
walk to get there was delightful. Bands of monkeys freely roamed through
the stands of straight tall vine covered trees and a large pond bordered by
giant bamboos and over hanging trees with vines hanging down made it
look like something out of a Tarzan movie. When I arrived at the Forest
Hermitage the venerable old scholar monk was busily engaged in his
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writing and editing, but he was kind enough to welcome me inside to sit
and converse with him for awhile. I told him I had read his book and that I
was practicing that method of vipassana awareness using the abdomen as a
primary object from which I was deriving much practical benefit. The
learned Thera explained that training the awareness on the rise and fall of
the abdomen was more conducive for cultivating the momentary
concentration that was employed in vipassana meditation. This technique
was found to be more suitable and helpful for the temperaments of many
people and was quite sufficient for developing insight leading to the stages
of realization. The orthodox version of anapanasati, concentrating at the tip
of the nostrils or upper lip was utilized
more for gaining a deep one-pointed
concentration leading to the states of
absorption (jhana); the two were
different processes. I described my own
experimentation with both forms of
breath awareness and said I tended to
agree with him.
Before taking his leave I inquired if he
knew of any other meditation center in
Sri Lanka besides Kanduboda where the
Mahasi Sayadaw technique of vipassana
was taught. He gave me the name of
Gothama Thapovanaya and said the
teacher, Venerable Vangisa Maha Thera,
had studied personally with the Burmese
monks who had come to the island in
1956. His English was not so good but he gave instructions through a
translator. Thapovanaya was the only other meditation center that catered to
Westerners and it was conveniently located just six miles outside of
Colombo in a rubber forest. There was still six weeks before I would leave
for India and I thought I might as well spend the time meditating; I had no
real desire to do anything else. So I planned on paying a visit to this place
called Thapovanaya, 'ascetic forest,' as soon as Chris was released from the
hospital.
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The doctors finally diagnosed Chris's infection as being a mild case of
filaria or elephantitus. This disease is also carried by the mosquito and
cases were not uncommon along the coast. Chris had most likely picked it
up during our sojourn at Unawatuna. Why I hadn't acquired it surprised me
— I kept my fingers crossed. He was given a course of antibiotic injections
and the swelling in his feet gradually disappeared and he was shortly
thereafter declared cured and discharged. I stayed in Kandy a couple of
more days and then proceeded back to Colombo to check out Gothama
Thapovanaya as a place to get in a last month of intensive vipassana
practice. Chris elected to hang out in the cool agreeable climate of the
upcountry. We would meet again in Colombo for our proposed departure
date on September 28 th to take the ship back to Rameswaram and reach
Pondicherry on or before October 1 st .
When I got back to Colombo I stayed one night with Sam just to inform
him of the latest happenings and plans of Chris and I and then headed out to
Gothama Thapovanaya. Venerable Vangisa Maha Thera had his private
cottage in the middle of the large rubber forest monastery which was
crisscrossed with several wide, freshly swept pathways. The short, plump,
middle aged monk greeted me with a smile and invited me into the front
room of his comfortable quarters where I paid my respects and sat on the
floor as usual. I expressed my desire to practice meditation under him and
he seemed willing to have me stay. I did not mention my previous
experience at Kanduboda, wishing to be thought of as a complete beginner.
He had a young attending monk lead me to the yogis quarters to assign me
a cubicle and provide a pillow and bed sheet. The teacher told me to settle
into the room and he would call for me later for the first instructional
interview when the translator arrived.
When I met an hour later with the teacher and the elderly woman
translator I was instructed in the same identical vipassana method that I had
learned at Kanduboda and which I had been more or less continuing all
along. He instructed me to begin the practice slowly and alternate the
periods of sitting and walking as mush as possible from morning till night.
He would be available in the afternoons for interviews only every two or
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three days when the translator came; if I had any urgent problems or strange
experiences I could come to his kuti and he would try and help me through
his limited knowledge of English. A couple of his older student monks who
also spoke a bit of English could be of some help. So with this I returned to
my cell and got started. I also sneaked in pranayana and yoga exercises,
though the latter was not expressly forbidden here.
The set up here was slightly different than at Kanduboda. The male yogis
section was a single rectangular building with a row often cells on each
side opening onto an inner hallway running down the middle. The center
hallway was marked off into three lanes which were used for walking
meditation. At one end of the building were the toilet stalls and at the
opposite end was a small separate area with a Buddha altar and open space
for sitting. A dirt pathway went around the outside of the building which
could also be utilized for walking meditation. The surrounding area was
dense with rubber trees and well shaded, keeping it nice and cool. Just
across the wide entrance pathway was the spacious, newly constructed
Dhamma preaching hall where the full moon poya day 'sil campaigns' were
held.
At this time there was only one other western yogi and he occupied a cell
at the opposite end of the hall from me. It was inevitable that we would
meet and we held occasional, low pitched conversations, though neither of
us were into talking too much. Allen was also an American and he had been
here meditating for the past two months but he too was leaving for India
shortly. He said it was a nice quiet place except for the crowds that came on
the full moon days and the young boys from the monastery sponsored
orphanage nearby who often ran around playing.
The daily schedule was similar to the one at Kanduboda but without any
group sittings. The wake up gong was at a more reasonable 4 A.M. and
there was no set time for sleeping at night; there was no clock in the
building. Each yogi was left on his own to sit and walk throughout the day
as each saw fit. A well for bathing and washing clothes was a short distance
away. There were about twelve young samaneras (novice monks) ranging
in age from eight to twenty and four or five older bhikkhus, all of whom
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were direct disciples of the Venerable Vangisa. The young ones were
learning the Buddhist scriptures and some were going out to the pirivenas
(special schools for monks). Some were attempting to learn English and
they would try and get us western yogis to teach them a few words and
speak with them. But Venerable Vangisa did not approve of them
disturbing the meditating yogis. None of the other monks were practicing
meditation as such, confining themselves to doing pujas and chanting long
recitations.
During the meals, lay yogis sat on mats on the floor in the danasala at the
end of the row of samaneras who sat on a raised bench along one wall.
Across from us several feet away sat the fully ordained bhikkhus with
Venerable Vangisa at the head. All of the monks ate out of their black tin
alms bowls. Like at Kanduboda, the lay yogis ate off plates. Unlike
Kanduboda, however, though the food was brought in by lay devotees, it
was served by the novices who unmindfully came by and dumped a
spoonful of each item onto the plate and into the bowls. The novices ate
their meals very fast and were usually finished within ten minutes and then
they waited for the senior monks to finish. When Venerable Vangisa gave
the signal they all quickly washed their soiled hand in the water bowl and
stood up in unison to go outside where they fed the scraps to the animals
and washed their bowls at the tap.
There was a definite hierarchy among the junior and senior monks and a
definite order for doing things; it was tightly regimented and maintained by
Venerable Vangisa. In contrast to the un-mindful hurriedness of the young
monks, I was practicing very slow eating movements and would only have
eaten five or six mouthfuls when the others were already preparing to leave.
The teacher, who also took his sweet time, told me I could remain as long
as I needed to mindfully eat and I was usually the last one left in the large
dining hall.
There was one American monk who had been ordained here by Venerable
Vangisa. His name was Sudhamma and he was staying separately in the
rear of the large aranya where there were a number of individual kutis,
reserved for higher ordained bhikkhus and foreign novices. He came to the
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danasala before the food was served to collect it in his bowl and then
returned to his kuti to eat in privacy. Lay yogis were not allowed to go back
into that section of the monastery where he dwelled but I managed to meet
him near the danasala before lunch a few times to sneak in short
conversations. I wished to inquire from him about the monk life there and
what he had to go through to get ordained. He had been ordained for six
months and was Venerable Vangisa's first and only Western disciple. He
described how the young samaneras liked to talk and horse around and he
felt alone and frustrated trying to practice his meditation. He was not so
happy and was becoming discouraged and somewhat homesick for Ohio
where he was from. Sudhamma confided to me that he was itching to leave
and he would probably do so within a week but he asked me not to repeat it
to anyone else. Sure enough, a few mornings later it was discovered that
Sudhamma had 'jumped the fence', left, bag and baggage, without
informing anyone, not even Venerable Vangisa. He did not even leave a
conciliatory note.
Sudhamma' s unannounced leave was not appreciated by the other monks
or the teacher. They asked me why Sudhamma would run off just like that
without informing them after all they had done for him for the last six
months. I couldn't very satisfactorily answer that question myself. He
didn't tell me he was going to disappear in such an abrupt and secretive
manner, but I was not too surprised. His mind was bent on splitting and he
was probably afraid the others would try and talk him out of it, or he was
just too embarrassed and wished to take the quick, easy way out.
One night I had a unique experience. I had been concentrating intently on
the moment to moment movements of the body all day and late into the
night until falling asleep. When I woke up about 2 A.M. to go to the toilet it
was, as if watching a film in slow motion: I could quite distinctly perceive
each 'frame' of movement arise and vanish in quick succession. This began
automatically upon opening the eyes and while sitting and standing up,
walking to the toilet, performing the function of urinating, returning to the
cell, laying back down right up to the moment of closing my eyes. It was
similar to the experience at Kanduboda with the one isolated flash of
consciousness but this was occurring over and over continuously for about
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five minutes without any effort. It was quite intriguing but I was able to
observe the whole process with equanimity. When I awoke in the morning
the awareness was back to normal and I returned to deliberately imagining
it happening that way. On a few other isolated instances, when I least
expected it, awareness sprang up vividly, noticing some insignificant thing
such as the slight movement of a toe, finger, blink, the chirping of a bird, or
touch of wind on the head. These were all more direct insights into the
various and wonderful aspects of perception which normally are hidden
under layers of fast movements, ego-expectation and grasping.
By the time the month was over, I had more or less made up my mind to
join the monkhood upon returning from India. I was getting along quite
satisfactorily with Venerable Vangisa and the younger monks and I was
content with the atmosphere at Gothama Thapovanaya. I conveyed this
desire to the teacher and inquired if it might be possible to be ordained by
him upon my return some six or seven months hence. I explained to him
how I had been planning this trip to India to take the yoga course for a long
time and how the yoga exercise helped to keep me healthy, promoting good
blood circulation and toning the nervous system which aided the meditation
practice. He somewhat agreed with what I said and replied that I was
welcome to come back to Thapovanaya and remain as a layman for some
time while he considered the matter of ordination. He might still have had
memories of Sudhamma and decided to exercise more caution with
foreigners. I respected the teacher for that and thanked him.
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CHAPTER (8
ANANDA ASHRAM
Much of downtown Pondicherry is owned and influenced by the large
Aurobindo Ashram which occupies several square blocks of prime property
near the seaside. At this time the Ananda Ashram of Dr. Swami Gitananda
was not so well known
and all the taxis and
rickshaw- wallahs thought
that every tourist came to
stay at Aurobindo Ashram
or its affiliate, Auroville.
So it was with great
difficulty and confusion
that we finally arrived at
Ananda Ashram situated
out in the middle of a
barren open area outside
of town in a suburb called
Lawspet. Though the surroundings were dry and treeless, the inside
premises was a veritable lush garden oasis with bright clean buildings and
freshly swept sandy, shady pathways. Chris and I were greeted by
Meenakshi who was busy making arrangements for the influx of students
arriving in these few days. She recognized the two of us as being from the
Colombo course.
By the next night, the 30 th , most of the expected students had arrived and
settled in and Swamiji came out for the opening night satsangha to get
acquainted and orientate us to the rules and course schedule. Another,
fancier name for the ashram was The Yoga Vedanta University of South
India and indeed the various subjects we would cover in the six months
sounded like a formidable college syllabus. There was to be six or eight
classes a day which everyone was expected to attend starting with the 4
A.M. Brahma Mahurta (God's hour) meditation and ending with the usual
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evening satsangha. Other class subjects besides the 6 to 7.30 hatha
yoga/pranayama class would be: yoga relaxation and concentration
techniques, health, diet, hygiene, yoga physical therapy, philosophy,
Sanskrit and Tamil language lessons, devotional or bhajan singing, mantra
chanting and more. Swamiji explained that all the standard rules of morality
(equal to the five precepts) and punctuality to all classes and functions was
of primary importance. Again, Mondays would be a day off when we could
go downtown to take care of needed shopping, banking and visa matters,
other errands or just lazing around on one of the beaches or simply
remaining quietly in the ashram. Most of the classes would be held in the
main garden classroom in the back under the spreading cashew trees on the
sandy ground. All throughout the two or three acre, fence-enclosed ashram
complex were papaya, banana, palm, cashew and other varieties of trees as
well as vegetable plots, flowers, medicinal herbs, and other exotic potted
plants, all of which were laid out and arranged very neatly. Swami
Gitananda had selected this former desert-like area to build his self-
contained "Garden of Eden" somehow knowing of a perennial underground
water source; the ashram was blessed with unlimited, fresh, iron enriched
water.
During that first week everyone performed the radical salt water purge
followed by fasting according to each one's biorhythm cycle. I
accomplished my four day fast feeling very light, clean and energetic. The
only time exclusively reserved for quiet meditation was in the early
morning between 4 and 6. Due to the heavy class schedule there was not
much spare time during the day to do our own personal extra practice.
Though the course was six months long, there still didn't seem to be quite
enough time to master everything we were learning. I began using the
evening dinner break period after mantra chanting and before satsangha for
getting in extra meditation, practicing advanced pranayama techniques, the
headstand and other more difficult exercises.
My favorite activity was going out to the beach north of Pondicherry on
Tuesday and Friday mornings for the pranayama exercise class. We had to
leave the ashram early enough to ensure arriving on the beach before the
sun rose above the horizon. We greeted the rising sun with the AA-OO-
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MM chanting followed with the complex Suriya Namaskar (Sun Salutation)
exercise or other specific exercises and eye drills which utilize the first
minutes of the rising sun. Sometimes we all lined up at the water's edge
sitting in the full or half lotus posture and performed special pranayama
breathing routines while letting the tide lap up around our legs. Swamiji,
wearing an orange dhoti with his bare barrel chest, long white hair and
bushy beard stood in front leading the group. He reminded me of a drill
sergeant correcting our wrong movements and occasionally barking
instructions. All of this unusual early morning activity attracted the curious
attention of some of the local fishermen and toddy tappers 57 who came to
the beach for their morning ablutions and/or work. The one and a half hour
session closed with a refreshing swim or body surfing in the blue waters of
the Coromandel Sea. We then headed back in our own way to the ashram
for a late breakfast before the 9 o'clock class commenced.
On the full moon of each month all the ashramites went out to another
stretch of beach a few miles further north where it was not so inhabited and
spent the late afternoon and whole night. For this most of us rented bicycles
for the long ride. A light meal was carried out by Meenakshi and Swamiji
who usually came out in a three-wheeled auto taxi; it was served after the
mantra chanting. Swamiji had us dig and fashion out of sand a huge
mandala in the shape of a star, a heart or other auspicious symbol near the
tide line. When the full moon rose above the horizon we welcomed the
sun's complimentary energy by specific full moon mantras and bhajan
singing. When the tide rose shortly after, we watched it consume all of our
hard labor of love. It was another teaching on the natural cycle of birth and
death, the dance of creation and destruction which, alas, we are all part of.
Afterwards we would all gather around Swamiji for satsangha when he
would usually deliver an especially long and stimulating talk and field
questions from us which he would answer in his expert manner. By around
10:30 or 1 1 P.M. most everyone had fallen asleep. I, however, would try
and stay up the whole night or at least the better part of it to take advantage
of the full moon energy which I imagined to have special power. I spent the
•^ Men who climb coconut palms to tap toddy, the wine-like beverage I experienced in Kerala.
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time meditating, energizing the body with pranayama, performing more
difficult postures (asanas) utilizing the soft sand which made some of them
easier and taking long meditative strolls along the shoreline. I could detect a
trace of pride in being awake while the others slept.
On one of these nights an interesting experience occurred. At sunset a
group of people from the nearest village a mile away came walking in a
funeral procession carrying a body on a stretcher with the attendant
drumming and trumpet blowing and stopped a few hundred feet away from
our group. They built a pyre out of logs they had brought in a bullock cart
and set the corpse upon it, performed the customary Hindu rites and then
set it ablaze. Shortly afterwards the people started leaving while the fire and
embers continued late into the night. When everyone in our group had
fallen asleep I strolled over to the deserted cremation site and sat down to
gaze into the pit of glowing coals. I could see a few pieces of spinal
vertebrae all charred and oozing with fluid which were the only mortal
remains. So I took it upon myself as a good Samaritan and as a kind of
death meditation to stir the bone fragments with a stick until they
completely burned into ashes. I then covered the site with sand and ritually
piled up a few rocks and circumspectly walked back imagining my own
body having the same fate.
Getting back to Ananda Ashram, the religious atmosphere was definitely
Hindu dominated. Pictures and statues of the various deities such as the
elephant-headed Ganesha, the flute playing Krishna and the dancing Shiva
were conspicuous in many niches. Every morning a Brahmin priest who
lived nearby came to the ashram, washed down all the main statues with
water, applied fresh red paste on the forehead of each and deposited a few
flowers at each, all the while chanting the appropriate Sanskrit mantras.
Every Sunday morning at 9 was the regular ashram puja which we all
attended freshly bathed and wearing clean clothes. It was what you might
say a Hindu version of a church service. Swamiji and Meenakshi lead us in
chanting mantras for Lord Shiva and we sang Tamil bhajans while the
Brahmin priest performed the extra elaborate cleansing rites on the
beautiful bronze dancing Shiva and the lingam/yoni in the central shrine
area. Afterwards a special sweet substance called prasad (blessed food) was
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passed out to everyone and the priest came around with the sacred flame
(burning camphor) to pass our hands through and red paste to apply to our
foreheads — if we so desired. There were periodically other special pujas to
commemorate the birth or death of a great saint, a Hindu holy day and for
Swami Gitananda's own Guru. On these festive days the public was invited
to attend to celebrate the occasion and enjoy the free meal that was offered
to everyone, served in the traditional way — sitting on the floor eating off a
banana leaf.
The talks that Swamiji gave on the various aspects of the comprehensive
science of Yoga and related topics was an unending fountain of facts,
information and insight. Some of the things he would say and comment on
seemed to be a little exaggerated and some of the students even took
offense to Swamiji's free interpretation and ridicule of Western medicine,
science, culture, and certain personalities. Though some of his facts might
have been slightly off and his opinions biased, the point he was trying to
make was clear enough. He was stressing the need to abandon the artificial
devices, modern chemicals and drugs which actually create more unhealthy
dependence and medical complications, which started in the West but was
now rapidly spreading in the East. Modern man's pollution and rape of the
planet along with his and her body and mind is the thing that will bring the
end to the human race. And as individuals living in and being subject to the
environment, only our adherence to a yogic way of life would keep us
healthy, sane and happy in, for the most part, a sick, insane, unhappy world.
It was this emphasis and the Swami' s apparent sincerity and no
compromise attitude in matters of morality, health, habits etcetera that
inspired me the most.
In the course of time we learned yoga techniques for cleansing,
stimulating, and rejuvenating every conceivable part of the body and mind
in numerous assorted and complimentary ways. I learned about and
experienced to a certain extent body functions and glands and how they
VIII
affected the mind in ways that I never even knew existed. The dynamics
and flexibility of the lungs and respiratory process with the different ratios
of breathing and movements of prana was perhaps the greatest revelation as
far as the physical body was concerned. In the afternoon therapy class we
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learned things like spine walking, spinal stretching, hip, shoulder, and neck
joint settings, acupressure foot massage and other forms of massage. Every
class day we picked partners and after Swamiji demonstrated a particular
technique we would practice on each other laying on the soft sand under
Swamiji' s roving watchful eye. This was very instructional and practical
first hand training which we could use in our life to help those around us. I
thought I could help my mother in this respect who suffered from mild
arthritis and periodic back seizures for which she spent money visiting
chiropractors. We also were taught therapeutic postures to aid or cure
functional disorders such as asthma, diabetes, high blood pressure,
constipation and other chronic disturbances along with eye drills to improve
eyesight. It was all very useful and insightful.
From Christmas day until
January 1 st there was a break
during which Swamiji took a
bus load of students on a tour
to various ashrams, temples
and other holy pilgrimage
sites around South India. I
did not particularly care to
join the group tour and
instead I planned to go to an
ancient rock fortress called
Gingee, located about fifty miles from Pondicherry. Meenakshi told me
about this place which she had been to a couple times. It rose out of the flat
arid landscape and was literally a mountain of rock with a stairway leading
to the flat top on which there were some remarkably well preserved stone
temples. A pool of water in a kind of sunken grotto under huge rocks could
be made suitable for drinking with the addition of a water purification tablet
or iodine. The rock fortress of Gingee was a tourist attraction in South India
and ordinarily people were not allowed to remain inside the small enclosed
area overnight. But if I acted inconspicuously, the gate attendants or
watchman would probably not notice me and I could likely get away with
it. Though tourists came in the daytime, it still was quiet and isolated and
made an ideal place for a few days retreat. It sounded pretty neat so I
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figured to do a mini retreat there during the five day Christmas break,
existing on a meager fruit diet or simply fasting and catch up on some
longer hours of vipassana meditation which I had been missing. As an
added bonus, this was to be the period just after the full moon, so the
waning moonlight would enhance the nighttime mood.
I left just after the special Christmas morning puja and banana leaf lunch,
thinking it to be my last substantial meal for awhile. I packed my rucksack
with jalaba, poncho, straw mat, and water bottle and rode the bus into the
interior countryside. In the nearby village of Gingee I bought some assorted
fruits and a bag of peanuts to last a couple of days, thinking to fast on water
when the rations were finished. At the entrance gate I bought the fifty paise
ticket and, acting like any other daytime tourist, I casually hiked up the long
winding flight of stone laid steps to the top. It was indeed a grand view of
the surrounding area, especially lit up under the moonlight in the late night.
I was able to find a secluded spot in one of the rock temples to stash the
pack and use as a refuge from the daytime sun. At night I brought my
bedroll (mat, jalaba, and poncho) outside to sleep under the moon and stars.
I did lots of pranayama in the clean invigorating South Indian winter air as
well as practicing the mudras and other stimulating routines and a few
hours of sitting meditation each day. I also spent a lot of time just gazing
out over the countryside to the horizon absorbed in thoughts. By this time I
had developed a habit of seeing how everything that happened to me and
the world fit into the Buddhist and Yoga world view. I had read the English
newspaper once in a while and heard bits and pieces of current world events
as Swamiji would comment on them from time to time (he read the paper
every day) and these Dhamma Truths sunk deeper in. I thought indeed the
majority of the human race is mad, blindly driven by the fires of ego-
ignorance, greed, jealousy, and hatred; even the President of the United
States, the supposed leader of the free world, is not exempt from the corrupt
mind — My God! 52 I pondered over my own past — how I had gotten here
and speculating where it might all lead. It felt good to be out here all alone
again after three months and I thoroughly enjoyed the outing.
•* Referring to Richard Nixon and the Watergate scandal.
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By the end of March there were only ten of us who had made it through
the whole six months. In the last few weeks Swamiji initiated our elite
group into the advanced practices of the hundred syllable mantra laya and
Laya Yoga kriyas. These complicated routines were designed to raise the
Kundalini spiritual force up the hollow center of the spinal column
{sushumna nadi) passing through the seven chakras to the Thousand
Petalled Lotus at the crown of the head. When Cosmic Awareness becomes
fully established at this crown chakra, this is the yogi's Enlightenment and
liberation from Samsara, termed Brahma Nibbana. These Laya Yoga kriyas
were supposed to be the highest and consummate tantric practices for
achieving this. All the other things we were doing such as the pranayamas,
chakra awareness etcetera were only to purify the chakra/nervous system, to
prepare the groundwork for the 'final blow.'
The experience of 'awaking the kundalinV has been described in some
popular books as being like a lightening bolt shooting up the spine, or at
least a slower, hot, and sometimes painful ascendance. These kriyas
required a great deal of concentration and breath (prana) control and though
I practiced them assiduously for a few weeks, I never had any such radical
experience. However, after thirty minutes or an hour of this strong
concentrating I was left in a very effortless and blissful meditative state and
out of the body feeling, which I could reach all the same by an hour of
strong vipassana awareness.
I had always considered Buddhist meditation as my path for developing
Wisdom and attaining Enlightenment while yoga was primarily a
complementary support, purifying the 'body temple.' Compared to
vipassana, all these pranayama breathing routines, concentration and
meditation techniques, kriyas, talk about chakras and raising the kundalini
seemed too complicated and perhaps unnecessary. I went along with it all
and tried my level best to get any possible experience and benefit from
them — I was open to anything. I knew there must be something to it as it
was such a highly evolved, technical, exact system; I didn't think it had
only an imagined result. But it obviously wasn't the only path and maybe
not mine, at least in all its aspects and fine details.
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In terms of the whole course, I felt I had really benefited and
accomplished something. I gained an incredible amount of theoretical as
well as practical knowledge and insight into the nature and scope of Yoga
and life itself in so many aspects. Some of the things learned would not be
so useful for me in my envisioned future monk's life and those I could
drop. But there was plenty which would prove useful and complementary. I
still had not lost the desire to return to Sri Lanka and become a forest
dwelling monk; rather I was now more prepared and anxious.
Chris had endured the six months also but had since change his mind
about being ordained. Instead, he was planning to go up to Nepal for some
Spring trekking. From Nepal his plans were to make his way to Australia or
New Zealand to see about the possibility of his permanently living there.
That had been his original intention for leaving England in the first place
before becoming sidetracked with me. After a pleasant, educational and
insightful one year delay, he was ready to get on with that initial objective.
On the last night during satsangha Swamiji held an informal ceremony for
two long time Western male disciples, initiating them into sannyas,
accepting Swamiji as their official Guru. Each of them received the
traditional mala of 108 Rudraksha beads, the orange garb, and the prefix
title of Yogiraj to accompany the Sanskrit name they already had. In a way
I felt kind of envious but at the same time realized that my path was still
that of the more meditative Buddhist monk which I hoped to soon actualize.
Swamiji gave the rest of us the opportunity to make a less formal
commitment and receive a Sanskrit name and even a special mantra which
could serve as an indirect connection. I did feel a great affection and
gratitude to Swami Gitananda and I would always consider him one of my
Gurus as I did Lama Zopa, Lama Yeshe and to a lesser extent Goenkaji and
Venerable Sivali. I decided to go ahead and receive a name as a token
remembrance of unofficial discipleship. The Swami suggested the name
'Rahul'. Rahula (Pali version) was the name of the Buddha's son who
became fully Enlightened at a fairly young age. I did, indeed, quite fancy
that name. I had not been using the Tibetan name that I received from Lama
Yeshe because it seemed awkward outside of its Tibetan context. I figured I
would not actually have much chance to use this new name either, because,
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upon becoming a Buddhist monk, I would most probably be given a new
Pali name from my preceptor. But for the time being I connected with
'Rahul' and was satisfied.
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CHAPTER 19
GOING FORTH
Upon returning via ship and train to Colombo in the first week of April I
stayed with Sam of couple of days before going out to Gothama
Thapovanaya. Sam was sorry that Chris did not return with me and that he
had given up any ambition to become a monk. Sam added that he felt Chris
had not seemed as serious or committed to the ideal as I, so he was not too
surprised at Chris's change of heart.
When I met Venerable Vangisa I reasserted my desire to join the Sangha.
He was pleased to see me back and that I had not been led astray by
Hinduism. We laughed about that and I told him how the Hindu/Yoga
experience helped me appreciate the direct, naked approach of Theravada,
specifically vipassana meditation. I tried to explain how in yoga there were
useful techniques for strengthening concentration, achieving good blood
circulation, purifying the nervous system and gaining stable body health
which aided the practice of meditation. The plump Thera half-heartedly
agreed with the health aspect and even suggested I might try teaching some
yoga exercises to the young monks. Venerable Vangisa himself was
suffering from diabetes and I told him there were specific exercises to
improve and cure the condition. But he was not so enthusiastic about the
prospect of his own participation and he quickly changed the subject. About
my ordination as a monk, I would have to remain there under his
supervision and continue my vipassana practice until such time as he felt I
was ready, and also for an auspicious time; he advised me not to be in a
hurry. Before leaving India I had made a quick trip to the Sri Lanka High
Commission and obtained a three month visa, so there was no immediate
hurry in that regard. Venerable Vangisa had a number of Buddhist books in
English including the Vinaya (code of discipline and training rules for
monks) which he advised me to look through to orientate myself to that
aspect of monk life.
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I was assigned the same room as I had previously in the lay yogi's
quarters and settled back into an intensive meditation routine while keeping
up with certain deep breathing ratios and postures. I was the only westerner
remaining on a long time basis while two or three guys came for a week or
ten days and then moved on. One of these guys left with me the third book
in the Carlos Castenada series of Don Juan's teachings entitled Journey to
Ixtlan. I had read the first two books before I had started on the active
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meditation path. Now with the accumulated experience in vipassana I could
see the direct similarity in the knowledge of Reality taught by the Mexican
Seer, Don Juan. The passages describing the "Path of a warrior" and the
warrior's ability to perform "not doing" in order to "stop the world" and
"see", thus becoming a "man of knowledge" seemed to hit the nail right on
the head. In vipassana, the yogi accomplishes 'not doing' by cultivating
bare attention and 'stops the world' by applying clear comprehension,
cultivating equanimity and experiencing 'cessation'. He thus becomes a
'man of knowledge' or in Buddhist terms, an Enlightened One. A true
spiritual seeker with his or her passive weapon of awareness/clear
comprehension/wisdom takes up the non-violent fight against the
defilements remaining in the mind; it takes the patience of a warrior to
accomplish this.
The 'Journey to Mian' is a metaphor to describe the predicament facing a
warrior, meditator, or spiritual seeker. Ixtlan represents the conditioned
illusory world — our cherished ideals, identity, self-image, family, home,
country, etcetera. Everyone is on that journey hoping to reach, to arrive, to
hold onto and protect one's idea of happiness and security in this changing,
unstable world. When a meditator gains the knowledge of No-
Self/Emptiness everything that was considered real and familiar is seen in a
whole new perspective; the futility of self-centered striving and craving is
understood and abandoned. Such a one can never go back to the old habit
patterns in the same blind way. Old feelings and memories may persist a
little but these are seen as only 'ghosts of the past'; no matter how tempting
the world may seem at times the meditator knows he can never return to the
ways of ignorance.
It was a beautiful ending to the book and I saw myself in the same
position. I knew I would never again be really happy or fulfilled trying to
live an ordinary life, becoming a cog in the wheel, part of mainstream
U.S.A. Becoming a monk would officially consecrate the recognition of
being a man without a country, home, or past identity to cling to. To me it
meant taking up in a full time way the "path of a warrior." As a monk there
would be no other duty or obligation except to do this precious work, to
"perfect the spirit." Some people in the West accused monks of escaping or
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copping out from the so-called real world and not facing up to life and I
gave this plenty of thought. But I came to the conclusion that this kind of
accusation or attitude was just empty talk. People who spoke thusly were
probably unconsciously jealous that they were not in a position to
disentangle themselves from the world, which deep down many people
wish they could do.
According to Eastern thought, the case is just the opposite. It is
considered more difficult and challenging to renounce the world and take to
the solitary meditative path, to consciously purify the mind of greed hatred
and ignorance. In my own experience it took more courage, will power,
honesty and intelligence to sit through a whole hour or more meditating,
having to face up to, accept and try to skillfully deal with the force of the
ego, attachment, aversion, and fear as they arose. There was no place to
physically go, no television or radio to turn on, no refrigerator to open up,
beer to drink, dope to smoke, no friend to call up and cry to; there was no
escape from the reality of the present moment of mind. Resorting to sensory
indulgence, entertainment, ego gratification, burying one's problems in self-
pity, alcohol, drugs and so many other distractions is the real escape and the
easier way out. Even the normal life of getting married, raising a family,
doing a job, social interaction and taking vacations is primarily a selfish
affair.
People everywhere live mainly for themselves or their own family, small
circle of friends, or particular group; they do just enough to get by, to feel
good about themselves or to impress others. Though on the surface people
may appear to be living a useful life, helping others, contributing to society,
being happy and content, under the superficial appearances there is a lot of
suffering; for many, deep inner joy and fulfillment is missing and they die
empty-handed and confused. To the Awakened Sages this is the unreal or
meaningless world and most people are as if merely sleep-walking.
After two weeks Venerable Vangisa informed me that he would schedule
my ordination ceremony for that coming Vesak full moon day. He said that
it was an auspicious day and he felt I would be emotionally and
intellectually ready by that time. I hadn't even thought of it before, but it
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did sound like just the perfect time. My future preceptor added that I would
be receiving only the lower samanera or novice initiation at this time. This
acts as a training/adjustment period to prepare one psychologically for the
higher bhikkhu ordination and more austere committed life. A samanera is
required to observe only the ten standard precepts plus seventy-five training
rules which deal with matters such as how to wear the robes properly,
conduct one-self in the monastery and in public, respecting the elder monks
and so on. A fully ordained bhikkhu, however, is required to observe two
hundred and twenty seven rules, which govern just about every aspect of
his life. This rigid code of discipline, called the Vinaya was to help keep the
aspirant for Nibbana mindful and alert to every activity of the body, speech,
and mind, so as to hopefully avoid accumulating unwholesome, spiritually
obstructing thoughts and habits. This, of course, was what I was interested
in and I would consider myself as unofficially taking the higher ordination
nonetheless, trying my best to observe all of the important rules.
By now I had read enough about the ideal life of a semi-ascetic
meditative bhikkhu and that was how I envisaged my new mendicant
lifestyle. I had daydreams of dwelling in this or that remote forest cave and
even back at the Unawatuna devale going on my daily almsround striving
to attain the goal. But from my conversations and observations, the majority
of monks in the city and village temples, even here at Thapovanaya (the
meditation was mostly for the Westerners), did not obviously share the
same immediate ambitions or aspirations; we didn't seem to have much in
common or be on the same wave length. Maybe this was why the previous
western monk, Sudhamma, jumped the fence after six months. Sensing this,
I was preparing to accept the ironic situation and commit myself to
Venerable Vangisa and Gothama Thapovanaya at least for the time being. I
realized that I would have to sacrifice some of my private opinions and
projected ideals and tolerate the surrounding reality, understanding that it
was all in the mind anyway. I could use this as an opportunity to look at my
deeper latent ego/attachments and hang-ups as they may be stirred up. Most
of the younger monks were happy that I was to become their Sangha
brother and several were hoping I would teach them English. I also
welcomed this as a chance to be of some useful service in that way and to
learn Sinhala at the same time, with which they were eager to help. I
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reckoned I would be in Sri Lanka for at least a couple years and I wanted to
improve my knowledge of the language in order to communicate more
freely with the local people if the need arose.
There was now a lot to do in that remaining month.
Venerable Vangisa had one of the samaneras provide
me with a list of Pali verses that I would need to
memorize and recite during the ceremony and I was
helped with the pronunciation. Another important thing
I had to do right away was write a few letters. I wanted
to find a tactful way of breaking the news to my
parents, family and old friends. I hoped that I could convey in words a
feeling for what I was about to do, so that perhaps they also could share in
the joy of it. I did not want them to think I had really flipped out this time
or that I was copping out on life. There was even a rule that a prospective
monk should have his parents' permission to join the Order. This was to
prevent the parents from too much unexpected shock or despair and grief
over what they might consider as losing their only son. If they approved of
the idea fine, but if it would cause too great a hardship in the family by not
having anyone to help out or carry on the family name, then they should
have that right. I knew that Mom and Dad could not, and would not, out
rightly deny my decision to become a Buddhist monk. But out of my new
respect for them, I did not wish that it cause them mental turmoil nor for
them to harbor resentment or disown me. By my few letters they knew that
I was serious about the yoga and meditation practice but I had never hinted
at any such drastic move. I figured the news would freak them out a bit but
they would get over it, as they had with my escapades in Afghanistan.
I knew the news would really blow the minds of Barry, Larry, Fred and
the whole Riverside gang, though they might get a kick out of it — their old
pal, Scott, the Buddhist monk. I also wanted to write Eustace to inform the
villagers in Yaddhemulla and invite them up to Thapovanaya for the big
event if they could manage it. And I wrote to the two Fernando brothers in
Negombo to let them know and invite them. People like Sam and the other
local friends I could inform in person on the one or two day trips into
Colombo that I would make. And when I did meet Sam the following week
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he and Tilak requested the honor of providing me with my first set of
saffron robes and begging bowl, which I naturally couldn't refuse. It was
considered to be the greatest merit to furnish a new monk with his robes
and this was usually offered by the parents or relatives.
Normally a big crowd of devotees came to Gothama Thapovanaya for the
monthly full moon poya program and this Vesak, I reckoned there would be
a huge gathering. On top of this, my Preceptor was inviting the American
Ambassador to attend. When he first told me of this I kind of shuddered and
then laughed. I wondered why my teacher would want the Ambassador to
witness such a thing that would perhaps not interest him. I learned later that
it was a kind of standard protocol in the case of Westerners ordaining into
the Sangha here and the publicity it would bring to the monastery wouldn't
hurt either. Venerable Vangisa also suggested that I prepare and deliver a
speech to the distinguished English speaking guests and others in the
assembly explaining my motivations and feelings about this major change
in life. I balked at the thought but while mulling it over in the next few days
I got behind the idea. I thought I could perhaps give his excellency, the
American Ambassador or any other English speaking people present a good
shot of Dhamma.
A week before Vesak as I was mindfully walking back to my cell after
lunch I passed by a Sinhalese layman sitting under a tree eating out of an
alms-bowl. He wore a fresh white sarong and a long sleeved white shirt on
which I noticed a Buddhist flag patch sewn on one sleeve. He sported a full
black beard and long hair which was tied up in a bun on top of his head; he
looked quite dignified sitting cross-legged on a mat mindfully eating. About
thirty minutes later he arrived at the door of my cell and asked if he might
speak with me. I replied, "Please come in." It turned out that he was a
retired postmaster from Anuradhapura and now, after completing his
service to society and satisfying his family duties, he had taken up the life
of a lay Buddhist mendicant or anagarika (homeless one). He was
observing the ten precepts and did not eat after noon and as he was on a
walking tour and passing this well known forest monastery, he stopped to
receive some alms in his bowl and partake of the daily meal. On seeing me
walk by he desired to meet me to have some discussion. His knowledge of
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English was excellent and he appeared to be well versed in the Dhamma
and also with Western culture and the accompanying psychological
problems. When I informed him of my ordination he beamed with delight
and said he would try to attend. He said he understood why Westerners
were becoming disenchanted with their society and value structure and
were now turning to the Buddhadhamma and other Eastern traditions; there
was a problem though because there were not many qualified Easterners
able to communicate the subtleties of Dhamma to them in their own
language. He felt that foreigners who came here to learn and practice for a
sufficient amount of time would be in a better position to teach their own
people upon returning to their respective countries. I tended to agree with
him.
In the course of our lengthy conversation the amiable fellow asked if I
might like to accompany him on a ritual pilgrimage up to the top of Adam's
Peak. He said it would be very auspicious prior to 'Going Forth.' The idea
struck a favorable note in me; not to worship the footprint so much, but just
to make the climb in the traditional atmosphere. The weather was now dry
and it was the pilgrimage season so there would be scores of devotees
undertaking the early morning ascent chanting "Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!" and
watching the sunrise. It would also be my last chance to get out and mingle
with the crowd as a layman. I was kind of attracted to this articulate
anagarika; I had never met anyone quite like him among the Sinhalese and
thought it would be nice to make this last memorial pilgrimage with him.
He knew Venerable Vangisa and together we approached my teacher to
request his permission to go on the sacred journey. He readily approved and
gave his blessings.
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Adam's Peak (Sinhala Sri Pada, Tamil Sivanolipatha Malai, Arabic Al-Rohun) is a 2,243 meter (7, 360 foot)
tall conical mountain in modern-day Sri Lanka, revered as a holy site by Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims and
Christians.
Hindu pilgrims walk up the mountain, following a variety of routes up thousands of steps. The journey takes
several hours at least. The peak pilgrimage season is in April, and the goal is to be on top of the mountain at
sunrise, when the distinctive shape of the mountain casts a triangular shadow on the surrounding plain and
can be seen to move quickly downward as the sun rises.
On top of the mountain is a rough impression in the rock like that of an enormous — nearly two meter
footprint. Muslim legend states that it is the footprint of Adam, who was placed in Sri Lanka as the next best
thing to the Garden of Eden; from this comes the name Adam 's Peak. Other candidates in other legends for
making the print are Buddha, the Hindu god Shiva, and Saint Thomas.
The Buddhist legend says that the (logically existing) other footprint is in a city about 150 kilometers
distant, or possibly atPhra Sat in Thailand. A shrine to Saman, a Buddhist deity charged with protecting the
mountain top, can be found near the footprint. Pilgrims who complete the climb sometimes ring a small bell
near the temple — once for each climb completed.
(From http://explanation-guide.info/meaning/Adam's-Peak.html — Inserted be Dhammavamsa)
Not having anything preventing our departure, the two of us left that
evening, taking the bus up through Hatton and Maskeliya to the base of the
holy mountain, arriving at one o'clock in the night. My experienced friend
and guide had suggested this timing so that we could reach the top just
before the sun rose over the horizon. On the slow climb along with the
throngs of other pilgrims the anagarika taught me his personal method of
walking/climbing meditation by chanting the Buddha's qualities in the
traditional Pali stanzas. He slowly recited two or three words at a time
beginning with "Iti-pi-so, Bhagava, Arahan, Sam-ma Sam-Buddho...'\ and I
would repeat them over and over until I had it down. By the time we
approached the summit at dawn following a few rest breaks, I had
memorized it and was reciting the whole verse. It was an effective way to
keep the mind concentrated which made the time and fatigue of climbing
goes almost unnoticed. Knowing the meaning of the Pali words, which I
was generally aware of, turned it into a reflective devotional meditation in
itself.
As we neared the almost vertical last few hundred feet, the cement steps
became clogged with humanity and upward progress came to an eventual
standstill. We had to be content with staying put and turning around to wait
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for the climactic moment. Fortunately this was a clear morning and when
the orange orb inched its rim over the distant horizon a thunderous roar of
"Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!" went up with everyone joining their two palms in
the namaskar salute. My informative friend explained that since ancient
times, people in Asia have been sun worshippers in one way or another. Sri
Lankans believed watching the sunrise from the peak of Sri Pada was a
great blessing; some Buddhists even imagined that the sun itself, as it rose
each morning, was paying homage to the footprint of Lord Buddha. I didn't
necessarily believe in these superstitions but I knew the sun was the
sustainer of life and therefore was due some respect; I gestured my own
pranams. This morning we were lucky enough to have the right conditions
to see the shadow of the peak reflected on the surrounding mist. All in all, it
was indeed a glorious sight.
Shortly after, people who had been at the top began descending and little
by little we edged our way upwards to the summit. The ritual goal is to pay
one's respects to the twin giant footprints cast in cement which are enclosed
in a small shrine at the very highest point. Devotees were bowing down to
touch their head on the slab and throwing coins and flowers onto the prints.
Frankly, I was not so moved or impressed and I watched the fervent activity
knowing that it was all in the mind of the beholder. The anagarika seemed
to know the right people and he managed to get us invited inside the small
kitchen where we were served a simple but hearty breakfast of rice and dhal
before heading down. Somewhere on the way back to Colombo the
anagarika took my leave to visit his sister who lived nearby and was then
taking off on his wanderings; if he was in the area for Vesak he would
make an effort to come to my ordination. I saluted him with namaskar as he
got off the bus and I was back at Thapovanaya that evening.
The next day I shaved off my long cherished beard that I had been leaving
till the last minute. I knew it would have to go sooner or later and I was
now mentally prepared to let go of the last vestige of my former hippy
image. I wanted to shave it off a few days in advance in order to get used to
the new feeling and get some sunshine on the skin which would be a lighter
shade than the rest of my face. It felt somewhat strange and for a few days
afterwards I continued to reach up out of habit to stroke the beard, before
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realizing it wasn't there; I gave the chin a rub anyway. The young monks
commented that I looked much younger and, oddly enough without even
looking in a mirror I felt younger. I was also going to shave my hair off
which was now back to a length of almost three inches but Venerable
Vangisa told me to hold off. Part of the preordination ritual was for the
preceptor to cut off a small lock of hair from the crown of the candidate's
head just prior to tonsuring the rest of the hair. In my case this would be
done on the morning of the ordination itself which was to commence at 9
o'clock.
I was now enthusiastically caught up in preparing myself, memorizing the
Pali verses I would have to utter during the ceremony and asking questions
from my teacher and the other monks about various aspects of the
procedure. I also spent a lot of time trying to come up with something
meaningful to say in my address. I wrote down notes as ideas came up so as
not to forget it in all the excitement. I brought up the question of a monk
name for myself with the teacher, who up until now had not given it any
thought. I was kind of hoping to be able to retain the name Rahul but was
afraid he would want to give me a name specially selected by him. Without
telling him where I had gotten the idea I mentioned the name Rahula. To
my pleasant surprise he immediately exclaimed, "Rahula, Rahula, Lord
Buddha's son, yes that will be a very good name." Then he added that I
must have an identifying prefix. In Sri Lanka every Buddhist monk uses the
name of his native town or village in order to distinguish himself from other
monks having the same proper Pali name. There were many monks with
such common names as Ananda and Rahula. My preceptor wanted to call
me American or California Rahula, but I was instantly turned off by that
explicit identification; I couldn't envisage Riverside Rahula either. I
explained to him that I wished to cut off all such associations as far as
possible and he said he understood. Then he suggested the prefix
"yogavacara". Yogavacara was an epithet used by the Buddha for the forest
dwelling bhikkhus who were devoted to meditation striving to attain the
goal. The full name Yogavacara Rahula had a nice ring and I could relate to
it. Having the word yoga included seemed to fit my particular 50/50 blend
of vipassana meditation and yoga practice that I was doing. It was just
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another new image to substitute for the defunct hippie image, but one that I
felt would have a positive influence and deeper meaning.
During these last few days the young monks and other laymen had been
busy preparing the monastery for the Vesak program. The Buddha Hall and
pathways were festooned with Buddhist flags, colored lights and other
decorations and now everything was ready. On the afternoon before the full
moon day white clad upasakas and upasikas (male and female lay devotees)
began trickling in to get the best positions on the floor in the giant
preaching hall. The nearly deserted yogi's quarters was filling up with
laymen coming to practice meditation for the two or three days. Another
Westerner who had just arrived a few days prior was befuddled by all the
decorations and bustling activity in what he thought was supposed to be a
peaceful, unassuming meditation center. He was intrigued that I was
becoming a monk here. I found out from one of the arrivals that the fact of
my ordination with the presence of dignitaries had been in the newspapers;
about a thousand people were expected for the actual Vesak day with my
ordination being a big drawing card, taking center stage.
In order to make the event more meaningful to myself I planned to fast
that day. At 8 A.M. Venerable Vangisa summoned me to his cottage where
he performed the ritual tonsuring by snipping off the first lock of hair. At
the same time I was instructed to reflect on the impermanence of hair and
the rest of the body by chanting the Pali words for hair, teeth, skin, and
nails. One of the other monks then shaved my head down to the bare scalp
with a sharp straight razor. This was the first time I could ever recall having
had my head shaved like this and it felt pleasantly cool and comfortable —
a feeling that would become second nature. I then took a refreshing bucket
bath at the well and donned the traditional white clothing. For this I wore
my freshly washed white sarong, but as I lacked a nice white dress shirt,
one of the samaneras had to borrow one from a layman for me to wear. I
was now getting butterflies in my stomach in nervous anticipation and I
waited in my cell trying to remember the verses I was to recite and getting
my speech together.
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Just before 9 A.M., Sam arrived with his family, Tilak and a few others.
They brought the set of new brown colored robes, alms bowl and other
requisite items which they would present to me at the appropriate time
x
during the ceremony. Tilak informed me that he had just seen a shiny
black car from the American Embassy pull in with a couple of people in the
back; another group of foreigners were busy setting up big portable camera
lights inside the hall apparently intending to film the whole thing. Just
before leaving me alone to take their places in the hall, Sam handed me a
telegram that he had received the day before. It read: "We'll be with you —
tuning in on channel LSD at Joshua Tree on Full moon — Love, Barry,
Larry, Fred and other friends." Tears welled up in my eyes.
At the appointed time, I followed the line of seven bhikkhus headed by
Venerable Vangisa into the hall and we took our pre-arranged seats on
cushions on the floor in front of the specially set up, elaborate altar. The
Preceptor sat in the middle while the witnessing monks sat on his left side.
I, seated in the lotus posture, was at the right underneath the glare of bright
lights. I tried not to look up at the audience but I couldn't help noticing that
the hall was packed full with a lone row of chairs in front on which sat
several Western VIPs. A couple of men were moving big lights around and
one was shouldering a large movie camera trying to find the best position.
The actual ordination procedure began by my offering a tray of flowers,
incense, and lighting an oil lamp at the feet of the large Buddha statue on
the altar where I executed three kneeling bows. I then moved back, paid
similar obeisance to Venerable Vangisa and the other presiding Sangha
members and then remained kneeling before my preceptor. With joined
palms I recited the Pali formula requesting the teacher to grant me out of
compassion the Going Forth (Pabbaja) novice ordination. This translated to
the effect that I was a suffering soul and wished to liberate myself from the
thralls of ignorance, greed, and hatred by being admitted to the Holy Order.
I repeated this request three times following the instructions and promptings
I had been given. The preceptor answered by saying he would have
compassion on me and grant the request. Sam and Tilak who had been
sitting in the front off to one side were now summoned and after bowing to
the assembled Sangha members, they handed over the set of robes to
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Venerable Vangisa; he in turn placed the bundle of folded robes onto my
outstretched forearms and ceremoniously tied it around my neck with a
strip of orange cloth. All the while camera lights were blaring and the film
was rolling; many individual flashbulbs clicked off. At this point I stood up
clutching the robes to my bosom and slowly, with head downcast, walked
out of the hall to a nearby building where with the help of a few of the
young monks I donned the saffron robes for the first time.
I was literally helpless in the art of wearing the large outer robe which
had to be wrapped around the body and draped over the left shoulder while
leaving the right shoulder bare. I had difficulty in keeping the robe up over
the shoulder; it kept wanting to slide off. When I thought I had it all
together, I mindfully headed back to the hall hoping for God's sake that the
robe would not fall down in front of everyone. As soon as I re-entered the
hall, a thunderous chorus of "Sadhu! Sadhu! Sahdu!" went up and the
bright camera lights beamed squarely onto me. I was noticeably (to myself)
nervous and with downcast eyes, remaining highly conscious of the robe, I
returned to center stage while the lights, camera flashes and exclamations
of Sadhus followed. I tried to concentrate on each step so as not to be
distracted by all the sensational attention. When I reached in front of the
preceptor I again knelt down and with joined palms requested the Three
Refuges and Ten Precepts. This was the traditional formula for consecrating
the Going Forth. Having repeated the vows after my teacher and paying
obeisance again to all the robed Sangha members I sat back down on my
cushion facing the glaring lights and the capacity crowd.
Venerable Vangisa then delivered a talk in Sinhala explaining the
meaning of ordination and how I came to Gothama Thapovanaya to
practice vipassana bhavana under him and subsequently desired to renounce
the world. He told the audience that it was a difficult thing for a Westerner
to renounce the world and become a Buddhist monk, because it was alien to
Western belief. We would most likely be branded as heretics, escapists or
freaks in our own country, even by family and friends; it would also be very
difficult to find support for a bhikkhu living in the West. He said it was the
duty of Buddhists in Sri Lanka to offer refuge and moral support for the
foreigners, now growing in numbers, who came seeking to learn Buddhism
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and practice meditation. He pointed out that we were sacrificing a great
deal leaving our motherland, luxury life, family, etcetera, subjecting
ourselves to volunteer poverty to live the austere, solitary life of a bhikkhu
in a far away country such as Sri Lanka. He added, in his characteristic,
somewhat animated, preaching tone, that Sri Lankans, in their haste to
Westernize, could learn something from us, who, having been raised in the
ego-driven, fast, materialistic culture, were realizing the futility of that way
of life. The whole time the Thera was speaking the audience sat in rapt
attention, while I was trying to suppress tears of emotion, center myself and
struggle to remember the details of my own speech. I was next.
Clearing my throat, I started speaking, "Members of the esteemed
Sangha, Buddhist devotees, and special guests. I was asked by my
venerable teacher to share with you some of my feelings as to why I have
chosen to become a Buddhist monk. For you Buddhists the reasons may be
obvious. For the non Buddhists, however, you might be perplexed as to
why an American, raised in a Judaeo Christian background, would become
converted in the Eastern way of thought, which on the surface seems so
alien. The Western culture and scientific thought is for the most part
entirely externally and materialistically oriented. The world of mind and
matter is considered the center of existence, something real and substantial;
happiness is based primarily on the objective world, what we can obtain,
and we live our life accordingly; material possessions, ego-satisfaction,
intellectual or artistic pursuits are the yardsticks of success and happiness.
The whole of Western society and culture has been steadily evolving
around these ideals and principles. The Buddhist or Eastern way of
thinking, on the other hand, realizes that this objective world of mind and
matter is not the entire story. The conditioned world is merely a complex,
constantly changing phenomena in which no lasting security or happiness
can be found. Trying to seek satisfactory refuge in what is by nature
impermanent only leads to frustration, sorrow and despair. The only real
stable contentment and inner fulfillment lies in a mind devoid of selfish
attachment and wanting. Having grown up in Southern California, I was
conditioned to that self-centered, outward focused lifestyle and more or less
accepted it without question and I suppose I quite enjoyed it. However, as I
grew older and experienced more of life including three years in the army
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and using drugs, something inside of me began becoming disenchanted at
an unconscious level. My experimentation with various psychedelic drugs
exposed new mental possibilities and apparently helped to trigger a
growing search for the Truth. I thought there must be more to life than the
run of the mill living and dog-eat-dog, material, ego-striving that most
people in the West, including myself, seemed to be inextricably trapped in,
each in one's own way.
This eventually led me to leave my home in California on a tour around
the world to experience a wider variety of cultures, people and religions. I
wished to see how people in different parts of the globe were faring in this
process of life: and I saw that basically the same circle or web of striving to
survive was found everywhere, only in varying degrees according to the
physical environment, society's conditionings and ancient beliefs of a
particular country and region. My unconscious spiritual yearning finally led
me to Nepal where I was destined to meet two Tibetan Lamas who opened
my heart and mind to the Dhamma. Fortunately my mind was ripe to
understand, with some serious reflection, the gross meaning and
implications of the Four Noble Truths. This was the crucial turning point in
my life; it was what you might call a spiritual rebirth. And since then this
mind has more or less been one-pointed in delving into and trying to
penetrate the subtler aspects of those Truths. It is as if I am helpless in
resisting the quest for greater understanding and mental transformation in
line with Dhamma and for the ultimate realizations it will bring.
According to Eastern metaphysics, there is no absolute, eternal, individual
owner or controller (soul) of this conditioned life in the body /mind
organism. It is merely a complex, mysterious process determined by the
varying degrees of ignorance, greed and hatred or their opposites, wisdom,
non-attachment and love, which have been accumulated in the mental
continuity of each Samsara-bound being; the Awakened One called it
Anatta. The feeling of our being a separate, substantial entity, the
experiencer and owner/controller is merely a magical, clever, deeply
ingrained illusion projected from the murky depths of the ignorant mind. In
my own experiences of meditation, I have perceived to a certain extent that
this is true. Now for the good part — despite there being no absolute ego-
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self there is the Unborn, Unconditioned, call it what you will, realm of
Ultimate Reality; we all have the inherent potential to wake up from this
continuous dream called individual life with its attended limitations and
suffering; it is possible to realize the blissful Oneness and Unity of
existence, the state of Ultimate Liberation. It is this potential within each
being which will sooner or later lead each person to the spiritual path. I
increasingly experience it as a sort of homing signal which is continuously,
mostly on an unconscious level, trying to guide the (my) mind back inside,
back home to its original source as it were. Using another metaphor, ego-
consciousness is like a guided missile which is being lured, drawn, guided
to its target, in this case Non-Duality or Nibbana, which is ever there
emitting vibrations of Reality.
The course that my life has taken and is taking is dependent and
conditioned by the accumulated experiences, actions (kamma) of body,
speech and mind from past lives and this current life up to date. Hence, as
for the reasons of becoming a monk, there are no real definite reasons as
such. It is just part of the conditioned process, a phase life is taking to find
the most direct, perhaps most conducive way, like rain water coursing down
a mountainside, to reach the final resting place, Nibbana. In the ultimate
sense there is no 'one' behind the process making step-by-step rational
decisions.
According to the Buddha's Supreme Wisdom it is a rare occurrence to
obtain the "Perfect Human Rebirth", the opportunity for meeting wise
spiritual teachers and, even more, listening with an open mind,
understanding, practicing, transforming the mind and realizing the profound
Dhamma. As such, turning down or ignoring this long sought ideal
opportunity which I believe I have, would be like spitting at Heaven,
plunging right back into the field of suffering. I cannot see any reason for
voluntarily keeping myself limited, confused and fettered by the normal
Western lifestyle with marriage, kids, eight to five job, conforming social
life and so forth. At this point in my life I feel that the most beneficial way
to carry on is by becoming a monk. Going forth from home to
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homelessness 55 , living in accordance with the disciplinary rules,
persevering in meditation; in short, following the Noble Eightfold Path, will
keep the mind on a one-pointed straight course. I would like to remain in
Sri Lanka and allow this process of Awakening to continue and deepen
until I am convinced I have reached a point of no regression. When I feel I
am mentally strong enough and confident, with something worthwhile to
share, then I might like to go back to the West. I would like to share any
fruits thus actualized, be it practical wisdom, compassion, inner joy,
contentment, equanimity, firstly with my dear parents and close family
members. Then in the spirit of the Bodhisattva I would try and help other
fellow samsaric beings, perhaps bringing some joy and light of the
Dhamma into their lives in whatever way possible.
I am very fortunate and grateful to be able to receive the Pabbaja, Going
Forth, here at Gothama Thapovanaya under the compassionate guidance of
the Venerable Vangisa Maha Thera. Thapovanaya is doing a great service
to the Truth seekers of the world by providing a simple but pleasant abode
in sylvan surroundings to contemplate the realities of life. To the
Thapovanaya Society, the monastery staff, and all the faithful supporters, I
offer my humble and sincere thanks and appreciation. May you all share in
the merits which are acquired and may you all attain the everlasting bliss of
Nibbana.
There was a great chorus of Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!
•" In the highest sense, from home to homelessness means letting go of every holding in the mind.
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Chapter 20: Postscript
CHAPTER 20
POSTSCRIPT
/wound up staying in Sri Lanka for two years after my ordination. I spent
the time between a few different places continuing my study of the
Buddhist scriptures and meditating. One of the places I went a number of
times was a cave located at the base of Dolukhanda mountain in a remote
area about six hours bus journey from Columbo. There were poisonous
snakes around and monkeys abounded. I needed to walk about one or two
miles round trip to collect almsfood in my alms bowl. This was my most
intensive meditation and ascetic practice place where I worked on
overcoming fear of various kinds, especially the fear of death. Observing
the greedy monkeys always trying to steal something from my almsbowl or
the cave afforded good insights into the greedy mind which is easily seen in
us humans.
After two months or so at Dolukanda I would return to Tapovanaya and
report my progress in meditation to Venerable Vangisa and stay two weeks
or so studying the Pali Buddhist texts (in English translation). Another
place I alternated between was Unawatuna. The villagers there were very
happy to see me officially in robes now. I would again reside in the Devale
and meditate and go on almsround in various parts of the large area.
Venerable Vangisa was quite satisfied with my progress in meditation and
my continued determination to develop my knowledge of the Buddhist
scriptures.
My parents had reluctantly accepted my new lifestyle but were
understandably concerned, especially when I wrote to them telling them
how I was living in a remote cave with poisonous snakes in the immediate
vicinity and monkeys trying to steal my scanty begged food. In 1977 my
mother decided to come to Sri Lanka to visit me and see first hand that I
hadn't gone absolutely mad. It was a nice visit. She stayed the first week or
so at Tapovanaya where I taught her meditation and she got a first hand
glimpse at the monastic lifestyle. Then we went on a tour around the Island
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visiting some the ancient historic sites as well as the cave at Dolukanda and
Unawatuna. She came away with a reasonably favorable acceptance that
what I was undertaking was a legitimate religious/spiritual life. She was
also impressed with the friendliness and openness of the Sri Lankan people
she met and how these people
respected and supported me in
my spiritual pursuits. She was
able to take these impressions
back home to reassure my
father, brother, sister and other
relatives and friends that I had
not in fact gone over the edge.
The following year in 1 977 I
decided to return to the States
to visit my other family
members and to see how
Buddhism was developing in
the West. To make a long
story short I stayed most of the
time at the International
Buddhist Meditation Center on
New Hampshire Avenue in
Los Angeles. This was only
fifty miles from my parents
home in Riverside so I could
visit with them for a few days
or week at a time once a
month or so. The head of the
IBMC was a very respected Vietnamese Zen Master named, Venerable
Thich Thien-An. He was also a professor of Buddhist Philosophy and
taught classes at the Los Angeles City College. The IBMC was
predominantly a center focusing on the Mahay ana schools of Buddhism.
But Venerable Thich Thien-An, or Dr. Thien-An, as most Americans
addressed him was keen on having monks and nuns from all the different
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Buddhist traditions living there together and sharing their traditions with
each other.
Just before I had visited the place for the first time the Theravada monk
who had been living there passed away. Dr. Thien-An was happy to see me
and encouraged me to stay there and help represent the Theravada tradition.
By and by I began to give Dhamma talks on occasion at the Sunday
meditation service and teach a yoga and meditation class once a week.
Buddhist meditation was beginning to become quite popular in America
then and increasingly large numbers of people attended these and other
programs sponsored by the IBMC and the co-existing College of Buddhist
Studies. So this was my first real introduction and training in teaching the
Dhamma and meditation to others. It was also a chance to expand my
understanding of the different Mahayana teachings and traditions. Many
Buddhist ceremonies and festivals were celebrated here and teachers from
Tibetan , Zen, Theravada and other sects would drop by for scheduled and
unscheduled teaching programs. It was quite an active place, quite different
from my monk's life in Sri Lanka but I was enjoying the change at least for
some time.
And on Vesak day in 1979 I had my higher ordination (upasampada)
which was held at the big Wat Thai Buddhist temple in North Hollywood.
This was my final step in fully embracing the monk's life. This ordination
was organized by the group of Sri Lankan monks who were residing in Los
Angeles at the time. My parents and other family members were able to
come to witness this auspicious event. My parents were good natured
enough to even participate in the big procession around the temple three
times carrying my alms bowl and set of new robes, to the beat of drums and
chanting.
After about two years at the IBMC I began yearning for more silence and
the forest monk's life, so I began to make plans to return to Sri Lanka. The
busyness and less strict observance of the monastic rules and close
proximity to lay persons of the opposite sex were threatening to undermine
my monastic life and peace of mind. I yearned for my cave at Dolukhanda
with it's snakes and wild monkeys and the idyllic beachside dwelling at
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Unawatuna. So in the early summer of 1980 I returned to the Indian
Subcontinent, flying to Calcutta and making my way to Bodhgaya. I
regularly meditated in the ambience under the sacred Bodhi Tree and stayed
in some of the various
monasteries there which
offered their free hospitality.
In mid-September I left
Bodhgaya to make a
pilgrimage on foot to the other
Holy places connected to the
Buddha's life-Raj gir/Nalanda,
Vaishali, Kusinara, Sravasti,
and ending at Lumbini in
Nepal. I was able to go for
almsround and get sufficient
food in the villages I passed,
sleeping in ashrams, Buddhist
temples and just outside under
trees off the main roads. By
the first of November I had
arrived at Lumbini, the
Birthplace of the Buddha,
which I had bypassed on my
first journey to Nepal seven
years before. Being so close to
the Himalayas now I decided
to continue on to Pokhara and
make a trek into the Great
mountains.
There was a Theravada monastery in Pokhara where I resided for several
days before setting out on a one month trek which took me up to the
pilgrimage spot of Muktinath and also to the Annapurna Sanctuary. I
developed a strong affection for trekking in the Himalaya and used it as an
aspect of developing my monk/spiritual life. By mid December, I was back
at Bodhgaya to soak up the religious fervor of all the Tibetan people who
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flock there in the thousands during December, and by the middle of January
I was back in Sri Lanka.
To make a long story short, I stayed in Sri Lanka for the next six years. A
new meditation center was just opening high in the cool mountains above a
tea estate above Kandy. The name of this center was Nilambe. It was
started by laypeople from the Kandy area and the main teacher there was a
highly regarded layman named, Godwin Samaratne. It was primarily
intended for use by lay people, but they welcomed monks to stay for
periods of time. And I was asked by Godwin if I would lead a ten day
retreat sometime. Godwin traveled quite a lot teaching in different places so
while he was away he wanted teaching activities to continue.
So it turned out that I began teaching ten day meditation courses there at
Nilambe about two or three times a year over the next five years. It was
primarily Western tourists who attended these courses but by and by several
Sri Lankans would also attend. In between the courses I would go down to
stay at Unawatuna. During my three year absence Unawatuna Bay had been
discovered by tourists and a number of low key hotels and restaurants had
been established along the shoreline and among the village houses. So this
disturbed the isolated tranquil setting I had enjoyed before on the beach
itself. However, I discovered an ideal little spot underneath a thick canopy
of trees and bushes on top of the hill where, with the help of the villagers I
had a wooden kuti built.
People seldom came up to the top of the hill except to watch the sunset
and then they were usually quiet. The kuti could not be seen from the
outside so people didn't even know I was there. I had a gap cut in the
bushes at the back of the hut which opened out onto the large rocks of the
bluff where the waves of the Indian Ocean crashed just twenty feet below.
There was a flat rock which I could comfortably sit for meditation facing
the sunset unseen by others. It turned out to be a nice little dwelling and I
went on my daily almsround in the different parts of the large sprawling
area which made up Unawatuna, extending inland from the shoreline. It
was here that I spent most of my time between the two or three yearly visits
to Nilambe. It was also here where the idea to write this book evolved.
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Chapter 20: Postscript
I did not go back to Thapovanaya. While I was away, Venerable Vangisa
had passed away and the monastery had grown into a large training school
for young monks. So it was no longer the quiet meditation center I was used
to. In April 1985 I returned to India to spend about six months hiking in
the Indian Himalaya. I started at Rishikesh, the famous place where the
Beatles practiced meditation with Maharishi MaheshYogi. I set out from
Rishikesh on the traditional padayatra (foot pilgrimage) visiting the major
Hindu Holy sites of Badrinath, Kedarnath, Gangotri, Yamunotri, and
Amaranath Cave in Kashmir, as well as several other holy shrines.
By the time the monsoon rains broke out I had crossed the Zojila pass and
entered the remote and less wet region of Ladakh and eventually arrived in
Leh. I spent two months walking through the Indus Valley staying for a few
days or so at each the different Tibetan style monasteries scattered all
throughout this high desert like plateau. By the end of October I had
retraced my steps back to Srinagar and then down the great length of India
via Aurangabad and Ajanta Caves to Rameswaram with the help of a few
long train and bus rides. And from Rameswaram I took the old ferry boat,
SS Ramanujam, one last time back to Sri Lanka. Shortly after this the
growing Tamil rebel insurgency in Sri Lanka forced the convenient ferry
service between the two countries to quit.
Shortly after the return from my long pilgrimage trek in India I was
browsing through an International Buddhist magazine at the Buddhist
Publication Society in Kandy when I read something that struck my
interest. It was an article announcing the starting of a Theravada forest
monastery in West Virginia. I knew that there were Zen and Tibetan
monasteries in America and Theravada temples located mostly in cities. But
this was the first time that I had heard about a forest monastery and
meditation center in the Theravada tradition opening up.
For a long time in the back of my mind I felt that I would like to live in
West and help spread the Buddha's Dhamma teachings and meditation. My
first exposure of that at the IBMC was the beginning. But I was still too
young then in my monk's life to feel real secure. Now with the additional
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six years of living in Asia and solid grounding in teaching at Nilambe I felt
the time was near. So when I read this article it rekindled an active interest.
And the forest monastery to be, which was being named, the Bhavana
Society, was founded by a Sri Lankan monk, Venerable Henepola
Gunaratana. They had bought thirteen acres of virgin forest land in the
eastern panhandle of West Virginia about a two hour drive from
Washington D.C., and construction was under way. They were looking for
interested persons to join them in this budding endeavor. Without much
hesitation I penned a letter to Venerable H. Gunaratana who was then the
President of the Washington Buddhist Vihara in the nation's capital. After
briefly introducing myself I told him I was indeed interested in helping in
the worthwhile project. Within a short while I received a kind reply from
him inviting me to come join him.
So to make another long story short, in the spring of 1987 I arrived at the
Washington Buddhist Vihara where Bhante Gunaratana was still living. The
first building erected on the grounds was still not habitable and groups of
devotees were going out on weekends to help the construction process.
When I got to the property I quickly fell in love with the physical
surroundings and saw the potential the property for being developed into a
Sri Lankan style aranya (forest monastery). I began staying on the property
full time alone to continue the work, make friends with the sparse neighbors
and meditate, of course.
By the fall of 1988 the main building with its small meditation room
along with all basic infrastructure and three wooden kutis off in the forest
were complete. Ten more acres of adjoining land were also purchased. And
so the official opening ceremony of the Bhavana Society Forest Monastery
and Meditation Center took place in October 1988. It has continued to grow
over the ensuing years and it has been a place where my own spiritual
growth has and is continuing to grow. While in Sri Lanka I had met many
Europeans and had kept in contact with some. This paved the way to going
to Europe every summer for two months since 1988, leading a series of
meditation retreats mostly in Germany, but also in Denmark, Sweden, Italy
and France from time to time.
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Thus do I record it.
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Appendix 1: Numbered Notes
APPENDIX I
NUMBERED NOTES
I. A Sannyassin is a Hindu renunciate (monk) who takes vows of volunteer poverty
and celibacy as part of his or her spiritual discipline. Since the ancient days they
traditionally wore the orange, yellow or saffron color cloth as a symbol of
renunciation, and this is their identifying mark even today in India. Sannyassins are
highly respected and reverenced by pious Hindus. But Rajneesh's "neo-sannyassins"
were quite a different kettle of fish and they created a big stir in Poona when they went
around town in their conspicuous orange/red garb with their malas dangling around
their necks. Males and females, mostly foreigners, were sometimes seen in public
embracing or kissing which is a definite taboo even for lay people in Hindu society.
The neo-sannyassins were seen in restaurants and bars spending money lavishly,
eating, drinking and dancing. Needless to say, this un-seeming outlandish conduct (for
a so called renunciate) enraged many of the local Hindus. But because these orange
clad Westerners were spending huge sums of money in the local economy, they got
away with it for along time. In 1980, a local infuriated Poona resident, made an attempt
on Rajneesh's life by throwing a knife in his direction during one of the morning
discourses. This was a clear indication that Bhagwan and his "orange people" were not
welcome any longer. And I guess, feeling that negativity Bhagwan decided to pack it
up lock, stock and barrel and get out of town, out of India in fact. He and his merry
tribe are now living in America, "the land of the free," having settled in Northeast
Oregon. They are in the midst of building a new city which they have appropriately
named Rajneeshpuram and have begun a new religion, Rajneeshism.
\\. The Kanduboda Vipassana Bhavana Center was started around 1956 when some
Burmese monks came to Sri Lanka to teach meditation. These bhikkhus (Pali word for
monks) were disciples of Venerable Mahasi Sayadaw, the author of Practical Insight
Meditation, a reputed Arahat and originator of this particular technique using the rise
and fall of the abdomen. They came upon invitation to reintroduce the practice of
meditation which had all but died out with the heavy Christian missionary activity of
the last several hundred years. The year 1956 was significant as it was the 2,500 years
celebration of the Buddha's Paranibbana called Buddha Jayanthi. Before passing away
the Buddha predicted that his Dharma teachings would last on Earth for five thousand
years at which time the world would be plunged onto spiritual darkness until the next
Buddha, Maitreyya, will be born a long time hence. Therefore 1956 marked the
halfway point for Buddhism and a worldwide celebration was held, and a resurgence of
interest in meditation began. It was just before this that Mahasi Sayadaw and Goenka's
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Appendix 1: Numbered Notes
teacher U Ba Khin set up their respective meditation centers in Rangoon. When the
Burmese Bhikkhus came to Sri Lanka at that time they spent the Vassana (the yearly
three months rainy season retreat required for all bhikkhus) teaching this particular
meditation technique. Many Sinhalese laypeople and monks took advantage of this rare
opportunity. Later several meditation centers were established to facilitate the large
numbers of eager practitioners. Kanduboda was one of these and was founded by a
Sinhalese bhikkhu who even much earlier had learnt the technique in Burma, and on
his return subsequently became a teacher himself. His name was Venerable
Sumathipalo and was the teacher of Venerable Sivali. Both of these teachers of
Kanduboda as well as Mahasi Sayadaw passed away in 1982.
HI. Dana or giving is an important essential aspect of Dhamma practice. Basically it
means any form of giving which helps to reduce one's greed and ego-attachment while
at the same time benefiting others in need. Popularly in Buddhist countries dana refers
primarily to giving or offering monks their four basic requisites of food, robes, shelters
and medicine. The danasala is where monks receive and eat their one or two-daily
meals which are generally brought to the monastery /temple and offered by the
donor/devotees. By supporting monks in their quest for Nibbana it is believed that the
giver begets much merit for his or her own spiritual growth or even just for future
worldly happiness; the "Holier" the receiver, the better quality merit so to speak. So
recognized meditation centers like Kanduboda are prime recipients for dana. An added
attraction for the donors (dayakas) at Kanduboda was the presence of Western yogis.
They feel that a Westerner, to give up the comforts of the glorified West to come to the
East and practice meditation in these comparatively austere conditions, was sacrificing
a lot and therefore they like to contribute to their support. This also gives them the
opportunity to take a peek at foreign Dhamma- stri vers.
IV. For simplicity, these eight stages can be grouped into three phases according to
their general function. The first function is to reveal the impermanent, empty nature of
the five aggregates-form, feeling, perception, determinations and I-consciousness. This
is accomplished by the insights into arising and vanishing and then just vanishing or
ceasing alone. The second phase requires pondering over and being convinced that the
whole process of body and mind and the entire created world, for that matter, is
unsatisfactory and the source of suffering (if we cling) so that we no longer identify
with or desire anything in the world. Merely seeing the arising and vanishing is
sometimes not enough to let go. Unless it is given special attention and is recognized
as suffering, the unsatisfactory nature of the conditioned world remains concealed by
our delusion and attachment/craving. Though we may know it as unsatisfactory we still
usually keep identifying with and strive to gain. This alarm and urgency for
detachment is accomplished by the deliberate cultivation of the knowledges of terror
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Appendix 1: Numbered Notes
and danger. But this terror and danger is not a kind of paranoid or pessimistic fear. It is
rooted in calm detachment and is simply the honest recognition that everything is
continuously melting away and that there is no shelter (or only for one night) nor
refuge, security or peace in any kind of attachment. The third phase is the actual
turning away, the total non-identification or hankering after any of the six senses and
their objects, turning away from being the 'me' experiencer also. This is the phase
where the fruit of the effort is experienced by equanimity, tranquility, Wisdom and in
the end, the highest sublime happiness-Nibbana. This is accomplished by deliberately
cultivating dispassion, desire for deliverance, reflection and equanimity to all the
formations. This is followed by Conformity, change of lineage, emergence and
fruition-the actual transcendence from the mundane subject/object awareness to the
Supra-mundane, non-dual awareness of Nibbana. This system of insight knowledges
and the corresponding stages of Enlightenment are only part of a much more elaborate
exposition on the entire scheme of mental purification as found in the Theravada Texts.
This complete material can be found in the Path of Purification or Visuddhimagga, a
sort of condensed version of the whole Pali Canon, expounded by Buddhagosa in the
5 th century. The content of the huge book deals with and describes in detail the
development and perfection of Virtue (Sila), Concentration (Samadhi) and Wisdom
(Panna). The relevant material on Insight is contained in the third part dealing with
Wisdom or Right Understanding. The English translation by Bhikkhu Nanamoli Thera
is published and available from the Buddhist Publications Society, Kandy, Sri Lanka.
It is also put out in two volumes by Shambala Publications, California.
V. The Buddhist Texts describe ten fetters or obstacles to Enlightenment which must
be eradicated through the practice of Vipassana (by Wisdom). The gradual elimination
or, as it is put, destruction of these fetters coincides with the attainment of four
graduated stages of Enlightenment or Sainthood of which Stream-Entry (Sotapatti) is
the first and Arahatship is the culmination. These are also elaborated upon in the
section on Insight Knowledges in the Path of Purification.
VI. A Sotapanna, one who has attained the first stage of Stream-Entry, is destined by
the weakness of his residual kamma accumulations, to be reborn at the most seven
more times before realizing Arahatship. Because of the purity of the mind at this first
stage of sainthood, a Sotapanna cannot be reborn in any of the lower realms of
suffering (animals, hungry ghosts, and hell). Therefore, considering himself to have
reached that state, Venerable Nyanavira reasoned that it would not be a great setback
to his final attainment (a mere seven more lifetimes at the most and none in the lower
realms); so he decided to terminate his life to end his present intense suffering, thus
speeding up his evolution by one more lifetime — or something to that effect.
Nyanavira' s feelings on this delicate subject were later revealed in letters he had
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Appendix 1: Numbered Notes
written to a close friend before his suicide. During his last years he also jotted down a
lot of his personal insights on various aspects of the mind which were later gathered
together and put into a book form entitled 'Notes on Dhamma' . Samitta had never met
Nyanavira as it was well before his time, but he had seen the letters and acquired a
copy of the 'Notes' which he had read over several times. He was convinced that the
late Nyanavira must have indeed had a direct personal glimpse of Nibbana if not more.
Samitta was now an avid fan of the deceased and the posthumous 'Notes' and you
might say Nyanavira was his hero. All of this information I picked up in bits and
pieces in subsequent meetings with Samitta and a couple of other knowledgeable
persons. I even studied the 'Notes' myself sometime later and did found them original
thinking and intellectually stimulating. But because of my limited experience, I
stopped short of passing judgment on Nyanavira' s attainment or the morality of his
suicide.
VH. In Sri Lanka, though most Buddhists will be quick to deny belief in Hinduism,
they do pray to gods. The gods are sought for mundane material assistance and the
Buddha or the Dhamma is sought for spiritual guidance or salvation. When people
pray for material favors they very often make a vow to undertake a religious
pilgrimage to a holy spot if the wish is fulfilled. One young man I met said he had
prayed to the gods for help in passing his university entrance exams, vowing to climb
Sri Pada if he passed. He did pass and he was now returning from fulfilling his vow,
stopping again to thank the gods. Another lady was praying for the successful
operation on her son's eye and vowed to make the long pilgrimage with her son all the
way to Bodhgaya In North India to worship the Bodhi Tree. The operation was
successful and they did make the trip to faithfully fulfill the vow (I knew the family). I
thought that all this reliance on gods (for Buddhists) was a little antithetical to
Buddhism but I did leave room for some truth to it, as I did for spirit possession,
Astrology, Palmistry and occult practices.
VJJI. In the Science of Yoga the endocrine or ductless, hormone producing glands are
associated with the system of seven chakras or energy centers. The three lowest
glands/chakras (viz. testes or ovaries, adrenals and pancreas) deal with the gross
physical functions of sex, reproduction, digestion, metabolism and the heavy emotions
of lust, greed, anger and so on. The fourth center or heart chakra with the thymus
gland, marks the transition to higher consciousness with the altruistic sensitivity of
compassion, love (metta) and sympathetic joy (rejoicing with others in their good
fortune). The three highest centers with the thyroid, pituitary and pineal glands
respectively are associated with concentration, awareness/wisdom and transcendental
experience. People obsessed with sexual preoccupation, craving for food and other
earthly material indulgences are said to live mostly influenced by the lower chakras.
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Artists, poets, philosophers and religious minded people are correspondingly
influenced by the middle and higher centers/glands while the saints and Enlightened
Ones are fully established in the highest crown chakra. The branch of yoga called
Kundalini Yoga is concerned with certain body postures coupled with complex
pranayama/breath control and even visualization to raise the conscious life force or
Kundalini from the lowest root chakra up to the crown chakra or Thousand Petalled
Lotus. If the glands associated with the energy centers are defective or not functioning,
which one or more are with most people, then this upward movement may be impeded
or totally blocked. This is why there is so much emphasis in yoga for purifying,
stimulating and rejuvenating all the interrelated major body systems — viz. nervous,
respiratory, circulatory and glandular systems, to help facilitate this ascending spiritual
awareness. Dr. Swami Gitananda stressed that both the body and the mind had to be
worked on at the same time to help each other out. Trying to attain Enlightenment
through body purification alone without consciously developing the mind was futile
and barren. And trying to raise consciousness or develop awareness/wisdom through
meditation, while having a fouled or defective vital body system, was only beating
one's head against the wall, or at least making it twice as difficult. In Yoga, the body
and mind process is seen as being like two sides of a coin. Getting consciousness
refined enough to successfully meditate was not something forcibly accomplished,
accidentally stumbled upon (in a few rare cases perhaps) or haphazardly grabbed out of
the air; it is a very precise process involving the relaxation and purification of both the
body and mind in a wholesomely integrated procedure, or "conscious evolution".
IX. There is an interesting story behind this rule. Shortly after the Buddha's
Enlightenment he returned home to the palace where his wife and son were still living.
Because the Buddha had renounced everything in the highest mental sense (the state of
Nibbana) the young Prince Rahula was now next in line for the throne. When the
Buddha, the King of Dharma arrived, Princess Yasodhara (his wife) sent the seven
year old Rahula out to meet his father and to ask for his inheritance (officially
transferring the future throne to him). But the Blessed One, out of compassion for the
lad, instead, handed him over to Sariputra, the Buddha's senior Arahat disciple, to have
him ordained as the first samanera. This caused a great stir and consternation among
the family because now, who would inherit the throne? On account of this
predicament, the Buddha was beseeched not to recruit young boys into the Sangha
without the parents' prior consent. As already mentioned Rahula attained Arahatship
while fairly young. As an interesting sidelight, the Buddha's stepmother who raised
him, nursing baby Siddhartha on her own breast milk (Buddha's mother Queen Maya
died seven days after giving birth) became the first Buddhist nun (Bikkhuni);
Yasodhara also became a nun and both ladies attained Arahatship before they passed
away; and his father King Suddhodana, though never becoming a monk, attained
Arahatship while still dressed in his regal finery — so it is said.
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X. A Theravada Bhikkhu is officially allowed only eight requisite items for his private
daily use. These are: three robes (two outer and one under-robe), an alms bowl, a
needle and thread, a water strainer, a razor, and a belt (to hold up the under-robe). The
extra outer robe and other things can be easily packed inside the alms bowl which has a
carrying bag: In this way, the mendicant bhikkhu can wander about with all his
worldly possessions in one convenient compact bundle.
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Appendix 2: Glossary of Buddhist and Hindu Terms
APPENDIX II
GLOSSARY OF BUDDHIST AND HINDU/YOGA
TERMS
Terms
Explanation
Anatta
Not-self, egolessness, impersonality; one of the three characteristic marks
of conditioned existence.
Anicca
Impermanence; another mark of conditioned existence, that all
phenomena, the five aggregates (form, feelings, perceptions, volitions and
consciousness) are in a continuous state of change, flux, transformation,
continuously arising and passing away beyond our control.
Arahat
A Perfected One; the last stage of Buddhist sainthood. The Arahat has
destroyed (by meditation) all the ten fetters (mental defilements) which
bind one to the wheel of birth and death. He has attained or realized full
Nirvana or Deathlessness, never to be reborn into the worlds of
Impermanence and Suffering.
Avijja
Ignorance, delusion, the state of not knowing; the state of the
unenlightened mind. It is grasping things as Self veiling man's eyes and
preventing him from seeing the true nature of things (the body, mind and
world about). This Ignorance is so profound that it obscures the truth,
turning everything upside down; it makes us believe what is impermanent
is permanent, what is unsatisfactory or painful as satisfactory and
pleasurable, what is without substance or self-nature as having substance
and self-nature. It makes us think what is wrong (unwholesome,
unskillful) is right (wholesome, skilful) and what is right is wrong. It is
not understanding the Buddha's Four Noble Truths.
Bhavana
Mental development or meditation. Buddhist meditation is of two kinds-
samadhi bhavana (concentration and tranquility) and vipassana bhavana
(insight meditation).
Bhikkhu
Literally 'scrap gatherer', one who lives on alms; the Pali word commonly
refers to a Buddhist monk.
Bodhi
Supreme or super-mundane Wisdom; Awakening, Enlightenment. The
Bodhi tree in Boghgaya is the tree under which Siddhartha Gotama sat
when he attained his supreme Awakening.
Bodhicitta
The mind highly motivated to achieve Enlightenment in order to have the
power to save all sentient beings from suffering and Samsara. The
Mahayana Bodhisattva cultivates the "precious gem of the Bodhicitta" in
order to avoid falling back to the selfish path of spiritual practice for
oneself alone as they accuse the Hinayana or Theravada followers (the
Arahat ideal).
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Terms
Explanation
Bodhisattva
'Enlightenment Being'; one who has made a vow to become a Buddha,
offering one's life and wisdom for helping others to overcome their
suffering and to attain Enlightenment. The Bodhisattva is the ideal of
Mahayana Buddhism (in contrast to the Arahat ideal of Theravada
Buddhists); The Bodhisattva vows not to enter his (or her) final Nirvana
until the very last sentient being (even a blade of grass) has attained
Nirvana before him.
Buddha
One who is awake with Supreme Enlightenment (Bodhi).
Buddhi
The faculty of the intellect; a function of the higher mind which enables
one to realize or awaken Bodhi and become an Arahant or Buddha. This
faculty of Buddhi in the mind of the most ordinary worldly people does
not function; it remains dormant and undeveloped due to the strength of
their Avijja. It can be awakened and developed through hearing Dhamma
and by meditation.
Chakra
In Yoga, chakras are centers or 'wheels' of energy, where the prana life
force performs or controls specific functions of the body and mind. There
are six principal chakras in the physical body located at points along the
spine starting at the base of the spine. These chakras are associated with
major nerve plexi and the endocrine glands situated in the same area.
These chakras and associated glands and plexi are responsible for specific
emotions, mental states and personality traits from the gross and negative
to the refined, subtle and positive. The three lower chakras deal with the
gross worldly needs and pursuits while the three higher ones at the heart,
throat and brows are responsible for the higher altruistic emotions of love,
compassion and concentration meditation and transcendental awareness.
The seventh chakra, the Thousand Petalled Lotus or Crown Chakra is
situated just at the very top of the skull and is the center for full
Enlightened awareness. Most worldly (non- spiritual inclined) people live
primarily dominated by the gross emotions and passions regulated by the
lower chakras, while their higher chakras remain shut down- not
activating the higher traits (selfless love, compassion, meditation
etcetera). The purpose of many yoga practices is to activate the higher
chakras so that spiritual awareness and associated traits will develop.
Deva
In Buddhist cosmology, a god or goddess that abides in one of the various
deva-lokas or heavenly realms of existence as a result of having led a
good or virtuous, charitable life as a human being.
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Terms
Explanation
Dharma
(Sanskrit),
Dhamma
(Pali)
This word has many meanings. The common meaning and the one used
most in this book refers to the religious teachings which lead to the
realization of Absolute Truth, Nirvana Or Enlightenment. In Yoga and
Hinduism, Dharma also refers to one's personal path of spiritual
development (unique for each person) which is more or less determined at
the time of birth. In the metaphysical sense (in the Pali Abhidhamma) a
dhamma is anything which exists in the universe. There are two types of
Dhammas, conditioned and unconditioned. The conditioned Dhammas are
the five aggregates, the elements of mind and matter which make up the
world which bears the marks of Impermanence (Anicca), Un-
satisfactoriness or source of suffering (Dukkha) and Not-Self or
Egolessness (Anatta).The one unconditioned Dhamma is Nirvana
(Sanskrit) or Nibbana (Pali). The Dhamma teachings teach about the
conditioned Dhammas which when understood leads one to realize the
unconditioned Dhamma, Nibbana, the end of all suffering.
Dukkha
Suffering, ill, un-satisfactoriness; More precisely it refers to the
impermanent, unstable (anicca) and not self (anatta) nature of conditioned
existence (mind and matter). Because beings grasp and cling to their
body, mind and external world under the influence of ignorance (avijja)
developing attachments and craving, sorrow, confusion, pain, grief and
despair inevitably arise sooner or later. This is the very foundation of the
Buddha's Dhamma teachings and the fact of Dukkha is the first of the
Four Noble Truths.
Hatha Yoga
One of the basic aspects in the vast subject of Yoga science; it deals with
purifying the body, toning up the nervous system, balancing vital energy,
etcetera, so that effective higher meditation can effortlessly unfold. The
word is comprised of the two syllables 'Ha' (positive charged sun's
energy) and 'tha' (negative charged moon's energy); balancing this flow
of energy (prana) in the body by various postures and breathing exercises
(pranayama) is Hatha Yoga.
Hinayana
The Lesser Vehicle; this is a somewhat derogative term coined by
Mahayana (the Great Vehicle) Buddhists referring to the Arahat ideal of
the Theravada Buddhists. The Mahayana Bodhisatrva vows to save all
sentient beings while the Hinayana followers are supposed to be selfishly
concerned with their own Enlightenment and salvation only: this is their
contention.
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Terms
Explanation
Karma
(Sanskrit),
Kamma (Pali)
This word means action or conscious volition. Karma begins in the mind
and is expressed through the body and speech. Conscious actions leave a
residual impression in the nervous system and subconscious mind which
will be capable of producing or bringing effects of the same likeness back
to us. The nature of karmic action can be wholesome or unwholesome and
they bring pleasant or unpleasant results respectively. Unwholesome
actions are those performed under the influence of ignorance, greed and
hatred while wholesome actions stem out of wisdom, non-attachment and
friendliness/love. These actions with their potential for future
manifestation represent the energy which will shape the destiny for each
person and will be the fuel for generating rebirth.
Kundalini
In the science of Yoga, the spiritual consciousness-force which is said to
lie dormant at the base of the spine until awakened through spiritual
(yoga) practices. It has been dubbed, the 'Serpent Power' and likened to a
sleeping cobra coiled up at the base of the spine in the muladhara chakra.
In Kundalini Yoga the idea is to prepare the nervous system for the time
when one finally succeeds in arousing the dormant force which then rises
up through the hollow center of the spinal cord (sushuma nadi) passing
through the six chakras to the Thousand Petalled Lotus or Crown Chakra
at the very top of the head. When consciousness is established at the
Crown Chakra this is said to constitute Enlightenment and Moksha for the
yogi.
Mantra
Literally, 'to hold the mind'; mantras are special words or short holy
runes usually from the Sanskrit language which are used extensively in
Yoga/Hinduism and in Buddhism to cultivate concentration and other
mental qualities or power. Some sects use mantras as their sole means of
meditation; one practice in the Tibetan Vajrayana system of Tantra is
called Mantrayana (the vehicle of mantra).
Moksha
(Sanskrit)
Freedom, liberation, ultimate release from the rounds of birth and death
(Samsara); Moksha is the Hindu/ Yoga equivalent to the attainment of full
Nirvana for the Buddhist; a synonym is Brahma Nirvana.
Mahayana
The Great Vehicle; the major branch of Buddhism found predominant in
Japan, Korea, Taiwan, China and among Tibetans.
Namaskar
Mudra
A hand gesture formed by placing both palms/fingers together and held at
chest level giving a slight forward bend. It implies the recognition (to
another person) of the God or potential for Enlightenment within. It is the
common form of greeting among the Hindus and Mahayana Buddhists.
Namaste means, I salute the God within you.
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Terms
Explanation
Nirvana
(Sanskrit),
Nibbana (Pali)
Literally, going out of all the passions; the extinction of Ignorance,
Attachment/Greed and Aversion/Hatred. Some common names for it are:
The Unborn, Unconditioned, Non-Duality, the Cool, the End of Suffering,
Liberation, and Supreme Happiness. There are two aspects of Nirvana;
liberation (of the mind) while still living in the body as with the
Arahat/Buddhas, and the ultimate release when the last body has been
shed.
Paticca-
samuppada
Dependent Origination; The Buddha's doctrine of twelve interdependent
factors, which fuel the arising and passing away of all material and mental
phenomena, the five aggregates (forms, feelings, perceptions, volitions
and ego consciousness). The doctrine or formula is used to explain in
words how rebirth takes place, linking one life to the next. It also holds
true for the moment to moment arising and passing away of consciousness
throughout the lifetime.
Pranayama
Prana, in the Yoga science, is the invisible electric-like energy or life-
force which pervades the entire universe and is responsible for the
manifestation and upkeep of all manifested (material and mental) life.
Prana circulates through the body in invisible etheric channels (nadis) to
sustain the body and mind. Prana is taken into the body mainly through
breathing but small amounts are received in the food we eat and water
drunk. Pranayama is a major aspect or practice in the Hatha Yoga
discipline involving deep breathing exercises (to intake more prana).
Pranayana implies controlling the circulation of prana in specific patterns
usually up and down the sides of the spine in order to purify and
strengthen the nervous system in preparation for the arousal of the
Kundalini and highest experiences of meditation.
Sadhu
A popular term for Hindu and Buddhist monks. Somehow it has also
come to be an exclamation of joy or auspiciousness when walking on a
holy pilgrimage, beholding monks or holy Buddhist monuments (Buddha
statues, Stupas, Bodhi trees, etcetera) and it is said even sometimes after
sitting for a period of meditation (recognizing the power or auspicious
nature of meditation) and the wisdom it releases.
Samadhi
Concentration or mental composure; in meditation to fix the mind on one
particular point or object such as while chanting a mantra or passively
observing the process of breathing (anapanasati) in order to bring the
mind to an unwavering, calm, subjectively tranquilized state.
Samsara
Perpetual wandering through the rounds of birth and death in the various
realms of possible existence. It also refers to the rise and fall or coming
and going of the moment-to-moment sense experiences in the mind with
attachment and grasping.
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Terms
Explanation
Satipatthana
The foundation of mindfulness. The four foundations of mindfulness are
the primary teachings of the Buddha on meditation leading to the
development of insight wisdom, seeing reality as it is. These teachings are
laid out and detailed in the famous discourse of the Satipatthana sutta
found in the Pali scriptures. The popular techniques of vipassana
meditation are based on these teachings.
Sotapanna
Stream-Enterer; one who has entered the stream of Dhamma by having
his first real glimpse or experience of Nibbana. With this he cannot
commit any unwholesome kamma which could cause him to retrogress
spiritually; he is assured of achieving full Nirvana (Arahatship) within
seven more lifetimes.
Tantra
A school of esoteric spiritual disciplines found in both Hinduism and
Buddhism. In contrast to the more passive tranquilizing meditations and
sensory restraint found in Samadhi and Vipassana meditation, tantra
utilizes the senses fully in various practices in order to eventually
transcend them. Tibetan Tantra uses much creative visualization and
mantra chanting; in yoga, the advanced practices to arouse the Kundalini
are tantric exercises; but probably the most well known of tantric
practices belong to the left hand school which engage in actual sexual
union between man and woman. In this practice the idea is to utilize the
unique quality of the sensations aroused approaching climax to
completely abandon and transcend the feeling of two partners and lose
ego consciousness, to experience non-duality. This is a technique which
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh espouses for his sanyassins.
Theravada
Literally, the words of the Elders; it refers to the Pali tradition of Buddhist
teachings which are considered to be the earliest and therefore the most
pure of all the Buddha's teachings. Theravada Buddhism is the majority
religion found in the countries of Sri Lanka, Thailand and Burma.
Vajrayana
The Diamond Vehicle; this is the name which the Tibetan Buddhists give
to their unique brand of Dharma teachings which include tantric practices
of creative visualizations and cultivation of the Bodhicitta.
Vipassana
Literally, 'seeing separately', seeing the nature of reality as it really is; it
is applied to the system of meditation which is based on the Satipatthana
Sutta, the four foundations of mindfulness as found in the Theravada
teachings. In this the mind is directed to tuning into and perceiving the
impermanent, unsubstantial or soulness and therefore unsatisfactory
nature of the five aggregates of clinging (the body, mind and external
world) in order to cultivate detachment, destroy the ten fetters and realize
Nibbana.
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Terms
Explanation
Yoga
Literally, to yoke or join or merge together; yoga is the specific spiritual
disciplines within the broad category of Hinduism which leads to Self-
Realization and Moksha. Yoga implies different aspects of merging
together: bringing into harmony and merging the activities of the body
and mind in thoughts, speech and actions on the mundane plane as the
beginning; and then to eventually merge the individual ego consciousness
into the ocean of God Consciousness or non-dual Cosmic Consciousness
to achieve Moksha.
Zen
Zen is a Japanese word which means meditation, but in a total way. Zen is
the school of active meditation which strives to penetrate directly through
the veil of the ego's deluding dualistic thoughts without relying too much
on scriptural study, intellectualism or rites and rituals. Zen Buddhism
originated in China and was introduced into Japan in about the twelfth
century where it developed and flourished with its unique flavor. In the
formal training in the monastery the ego of the student is driven into a
corner as it were. The idea is to drop the ego entirely along with all
thinking in order to experience Egolessness. The ego keeps one trapped in
dualistic perceptions. The Zen Masters are notorious for skillfully using
various techniques to accomplish this, including often strange even
contradictory behavior such as shouting and hitting the students. Zen
belongs to the Mahayana fold and was the first Buddhist meditation
discipline to arrive in the West and take hold. Zen is slowly adapting to
the Western way of life, shedding its strict Japanese flavor to acquire what
is called Westernized Zen.
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MAY ALL BEINGS BE WELL.
MAY ALL BEINGS BE WISE.
MAY ALL BEINGS BE LIBERATED.
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Appendix 3: Photographs/Maps
APPENDIX 3
LIST OF PHOTOGRAPHS/MAPS
Page
Photographs/Maps
10
Buddha's statues at Bhavana Society Forest Monastery in Meditation Hall
(above) and Dining Hall (below)
n
Author at 8 months old
22
Adolescent years
23
Surfing period, 1965-68
24
Army period, 1968-70
104
Burning ghats at Vanasi, India
107
Map of Buddha's India
126
Traveling hippies period, 1968-70; Lama Zopa (center); Swami Gitananda
(upper right)
192
Ajanta Caves, Aurangabad
207
Map of Goa
243
Map of Sri Lanka
245
Bodhi Tree at Anuradhapura
246
Ruvanveliseya Stupa at Anuradhapura
268
Kanduboda Vipassana Bhavana Center
307
Unawatuna beach
326
Forest Hermitage
333
Yoga class at Ananda Ashram
338
Gingee Fortress
344
Ordination at Gothama Thapovanaya, Vesak, May 1975
351
Sri Pada (Adam's Peak)
362
Cave at Dolukanda; devale and arms round at Unawatuna bay, 1975-77
364
Seaside kuti at Unawatuna, 1981-85
382
Author in meditation
384
Kutis and glots for meditation at Bhavana Society Forest Monastery
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Appendix 3: Photographs/Maps
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About the Author
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Yogavacara Rahula was born as Scott Joseph DuPrez in Southern
California in 1948. He grew up during the hippie revolution and entered the
U.S. Army for three years in 1967, spending ten months in Vietnam. In
1972 he began a long odyssey starting in Scandinavia which took him half
way around the world to India and Nepal characterized by staying 'stoned'
on hashish much of the time with numerous trips on LSD. In Nepal he
encountered his first spiritual teachers, Tibetan Lamas, at a month long
meditation course, by the end of which he was converted more or less to
being a Buddhist or at least an earnest seeker after Truth. His search
brought him south to Sri Lanka where he got ordained as a Buddhist monk
in 1975. He remained in Sri Lanka until 1977 when he returned to the
U.S.A. to visit his parents and to help spread the Dhamma there. In 1980 he
returned to Sri Lanka where he lived until 1986. In 1981 he began
conducting periodic 10 day yoga and meditation retreat/courses at the SMS
Meditation Center situated high in the mountains near Galaha and residing
at Seaside Kuti, Unawatuna. Since 1987 he has resided at the Bhavana
Society forest Monastery in West Virginia, USA. Two other books by the
author are, The Way to Peace and Happiness, a comprehensive study of the
Buddhist Teaching, and Traversing the Great Himalaya, a photo
documentary of a spiritual pilgrimage in the Himalaya.
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Sunday, October 8, 2017
ONE NIGHT'S SHELTER (FROM HOME TO HOMELESSNESS)
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