SHIV KHERA.

CHAPTER 4 SELF-ESTEEM Building a positive self-esteem & image 74 of 177 

A beggar was sitting at the train station with a bowl full of pencils. A young executive passed by and dropped a dollar in the bowl. He then boarded the train. Before the doors closed, something came to his mind and he went back to the beggar, grabbed a bunch of pencils, and said, "They are priced right. After all you are a business person and so am I," and he left. Six months later, the executive attended a party. The beggar was also there in a suit and tie. The beggar recognized the executive, went up to him and said, "You probably don't recognize me but I remember you." He then narrated the incident that happened six months before. The executive said, "Now that you have reminded me, I do recall that you were begging. What are you doing here in your suit and tie?" The beggar replied, "You probably don't know what you did for me that day. You were the first person in my life who gave me back my dignity. You grabbed the bunch of pencils and said, 'They are priced right. After all, you are a business person and so am 1.' After you left, I thought to myself, what am I doing here? Why am I begging? I decided to do something constructive with my life. I packed my bag, started working and here I am. I Just want to thank you for giving me back my dignity. That incident changed my life." 

What changed in the beggar's life? What changed was that his self-esteem went up and so did his performance. This is the magic of self-esteem in our lives. Simply put, self-esteem is how we feel about ourselves. Our opinion of ourselves critically influences everything, from our performance at work, our relationships, and our role as a parent to our accomplishments in life. Self esteem is a major component in determining success or failure. High self-esteem leads to a happy, gratifying and purposeful life. Unless you perceive yourself as worthwhile, you cannot have high self-esteem. All great world leaders and teachers throughout history have concluded that one must be internally driven in order to be a success. We transfer our unconscious self-appraisal to others and they respond to us accordingly. People with high self-esteem grow in conviction, competence and willingness to accept responsibility. They face life with optimism, have better relationships and fulfilling lives. They are motivated and ambitious. They are more sensitive. Their performance and risktaking ability go up. They are open to new opportunities and challenges. They can give and receive criticism and compliments, tactfully, and with ease. Self-esteem is a feeling which comes from an awareness of what is good and having done it. Self-Esteem is Our Self-Concept There is a story about a farmer who planted pumpkins on his land. For no reason, he put a small pumpkin, hanging by the vine into a glass jar. At harvest time, he saw that the pumpkin had grown, equivalent only to the shape and size of the jar. Just as the pumpkin could not grow beyond the boundaries restricting it, human beings cannot perform beyond the boundaries of their self-concept, whatever it may be. SOME ADVANTAGES OF HIGH SELF-ESTEEM 75 of 177 There is a direct relationship between people's feelings and their productivity. High selfesteem is evident in respect for one's self, others, property, law, parents and one's country. The reverse is also true. 76 of 177 
Self-esteem : Builds strong conviction. Creates willingness to accept responsibility. Builds optimistic attitudes. Leads to better relationships and fulfilling lives. Makes a person more sensitive to others' needs and develop a caring attitude. Makes a person self-motivated and ambitious. Makes a person open to new opportunities and challenges. Improves performance and increases risk-taking ability. Helps a person give and receive both criticism and compliments tactfully and easily. How do we recognize poor self-esteem? What are the behavior patterns of a person with poor self-esteem? The following is a brief list, which is not all inclusive but is indicative. They are generally gossip mongers. They have a critical nature. They criticize as if there is a contest going on and they have to win a prize. They have high egos they are arrogant and believe they know it all. People with low self-esteem are generally difficult to work with and for. They tear down others to get a feeling of superiority. They are closed minded and self-centered. They constantly make excuses--always justifying failures. They never accept responsibility--always blaming others. They have a fatalistic attitude no initiative and always waiting for things to happen. They are jealous by nature. They are unwilling to accept positive criticism. They become defensive. They are bored and uncomfortable when alone. Poor self-esteem leads to breakdown in decency. People with low self-esteem don't know where to draw the line--where decency stops and vulgarity starts. It is not unusual for people to tell jokes at social get-togethers but with every drink, the jokes get dirtier and dirtier. They don't have genuine friends because they are not genuine themselves. I They make promises they know they are not going to keep. A person with low selfesteem would promise the moon to make a sale. Unkept promises lead to loss of credibility. A person with high self esteem would prefer loss of business than loss of credibility because they realize that one cannot put a price on one's credibility. Their behavior is senseless and erratic. They swing from one end of the pendulum to another. They may be all sugar and honey today but the same people may be out to cut your throat tomorrow. They lack balance. They alienate people and tend to be lonely. They are touchy in nature--this is called the fragile ego. Anytime something is said, a person with a fragile ego takes it personally and gets hurt. It leads to dejection. 77 of 177 What is the difference between being touchy and being sensitive? Touchiness is the cactus approach; you touch me and I will hurt you. Being sensitive is the positive approach, the caring approach. Many times the two are used interchangeably. People say be careful when talking 78 of 177 to so and so, he or she is very sensitive. What they are really saying is that the person is touchy, so be careful. ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ They have negative expectations of themselves and others and are seldom disappointed. They lack confidence. 
1. They constantly seek approval and validation from others. Seeking approval is different from seeking a second opinion, which really means consultation. 
2. Bragging about themselves is also a sign of lack of confidence. 
3. Submissive or timid behavior. These are people who constantly apologize for their existence. They are always putting themselves down, which is different from being humble. Humility comes from confidence whereas putting yourself down comes from lack of it. A person who lacks confidence cannot be an effective leader. Others sense this lack of confidence, which results in a lack of respect. 
4. Lack of assertiveness. People with low self esteem are not willing to stand up for their belief. On the other hand, being unduly aggressive is also a sign of poor self-esteem. Being aggressive in situations that require compassion does not amount to assertiveness. 
5. A lack of confidence results in conformist behavior. If everybody is doing it, then so should I. Every day we see people giving in to peer pressure, knowing full well what they are doing could be detrimental yet they do it to be accepted. People with low selfesteem go along to get along. They are looking for outside validation because they lack confidence in themselves. 
6. Keeping up with the Joneses--pretense When people try to keep up with the Joneses, they spend money they haven't earned, they buy things they don't need, and they try to impress people they don't like. 
7. Nonconformist or attention-seeking behavior. In order to gain attention, people with poor self esteem might do senseless things just to stand out and be noticed. They get a kick and a sense of importance from perversion. Some people choose to do wrong and be wrong just to be deferent and gain attention. Examples are people who brag excessively, the classroom clown, etc. They are indecisive and do not accept responsibility. Lack of courage and fear of criticism lead to indecisive behavior. They rebel against authority. I make a distinction between rebelling out of the courage of one's convictions and rebelling because of poor self esteem. All the great world leaders, such as Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Abraham Lincoln, were rebels. They rebel against authority out of the courage of their convictions; a person with low self-esteem rebels against authority just because it is authority, even when the authority is right. They are anti-social and may be withdrawn. They lack a sense of direction and have an "I don't care" attitude which is reflected in their behavior. They have a hard time giving or receiving compliments. In giving, they feel they might be misconstrued and in receiving they feel they are undeserving. Feeling unworthy is not humility. Too much emphasis on material things 79 of 177 People with poor self-esteem judge a person's worth by his possessions, not by who he is. They constantly look at what kind of car you are driving, what kind of home you live in, what kind of clothes and jewelry you wear. They forget that people make things, and not vice versa. People with poor self esteem place more emphasis on net worth than self worth. Their lives revolve around ads and fads. Designer labels are their status symbols. Take away their things and they will die of shame. They get into a rat race. "The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you are still a rat."* ♦ ♦ Lack of pride in themselves--they are shabbily dressed and uncouth. They are takers, not givers. Low self-esteem could lead to extremes of behavior. A person with high self-esteem could choose identical behavior for different reasons: He may be alone because he prefers solitude, whereas a person with low self-esteem prefers to be alone because he is uncomfortable in groups. Some characteristics of people with: High Self-Esteem Low Self-Esteem Talk about ideas Talk about people Caring attitude Critical attitude Humility Arrogance Respects authority Rebels against authority Courage of conviction Goes along to get along Confidence Confusion Concerned about character Concerned about reputation Assertive Aggressive Accepts responsibility Blames the whole world Self-interest Selfish Optimistic Fatalistic Understanding Greedy Willing to learn Know it all Sensitive Touchy Solitude Lonely Discuss Argue Believes in self-worth Believes in net worth only Guided Misguided Discipline Distorted sense of freedom Internally driven Externally driven Respects others Looks down on others Enjoys decency Enjoys vulgarity Knows limit Everything goes Giver Taker The objective of this list is to provide a basis for self evaluation rather than produce guilt. It is not necessary to have all the traits. Some characteristics may be present to a greater 80 of 177 or lesser degree. So long as we are able to recognize them, we can make an effort to correct ourselves. THEY PUT ON A MASK A young executive with poor self-esteem was promoted but he couldn't reconcile himself to his new office and position. There was a knock at his door. To show how important and busy he was, he picked up the phone and then asked the visitor to come in. As the man waited for the executive, the executive kept talking on the phone, nodding and saying, "No problem, I can handle that." After a few minutes he hung up and asked the visitor what he could do for him. The man replied, "Sir, I'm here to connect your phone." What is the Message? Why pretend? What are we trying to prove? What do we want to accomplish? Why do we need to lie? Why look for feelings of false importance? All of this comes from insecurity and poor self-esteem. Why Pretend? Our character can be judged by everything we do or don't do, like or don't like, such as: ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ The kind of movies we enjoy. The kind of music we listen to. The kind of company we keep or avoid. The kind of jokes we tell or laugh at. The kind of books we read. Every action of ours gives us away anyway, so why pretend? I believe that if a person lives with conviction, sensitivity and cooperation, he can move others with his effort. That person becomes worthy of self-respect. Positive Self-Esteem Negative Self-Esteem 1. self-respect self-put down 2. self-confidence self-doubt 3. self-worth self-abuse 4. self-acceptance self-denial 5. self-love self-centered Ness 6. self-knowledge self-deceit 7. self-discipline self-indulgence Self-esteem does not mean having a big ego. Unless a person is at peace with himself, he cannot be at peace with others. Just as we cannot give to others what we don't have. Unless we possess the components of self esteem, we cannot share it with others. We need to first get in touch with ourselves and put ourselves in order. Even in an aircraft, the safety instructions tell you to put on an oxygen mask on yourself first and then on your child. We are not talking about selfishness. 81 of 177 Self-esteem can be defined as the way we feel about ourselves. Self-image is the way we see ourselves. When we feel good, our productivity goes up. CAUSES OF LOW SELF-ESTEEM We start forming our self-esteem, positive or negative, from the day we are born. We develop feelings about ourselves that are reinforced by others. Negative Self-Talk or Negative Auto-Suggestions This is when we say to ourselves, consciously or unconsciously, statements such as: ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ I have a poor memory. I'm not good at math. I'm not an athlete. I'm tired. Such statements only reinforce the negative and put ourselves down. Very soon our mind starts believing these statements and our behavior changes accordingly. They become self-fulfilling prophecies. 

Home.

The greatest thing that a parent can give to his children are roots. The best part of a family tree is the roots. Noticing a little girl's courteous and polite behavior, the teacher asked, "Who taught you to be so courteous and polite?" The girl replied, "No one. It just runs in our family." Upbringing "Fellow citizens, why do you turn and scrap every stone to gather wealth and to take so little care of your children to whom one day, you must relinquish it all?"* In order for our children to turn out well, we need to spend twice the time and half the money. It is less painful to learn in youth than be ignorant as an adult. Parents with high self-esteem breed confidence and high self-esteem in their children by giving them positive concepts, beliefs, and values. The reverse is also true. It is a great heritage to have honest parents. Parents who participate in crooked business deals unfortunately set bad examples for their future generations. A strong role model or mentor could be a parent, relative or teacher who is held in high regard. During their formative years, children look up to adults in positions of influence. Even as adults, we look to our supervisors and managers as role models. * Socrates 82 of 177 

 LITTLE EYES UPON YOU** There are little eyes upon you and they're watching night and day. There are little ears that quickly take in every word you say. There are little hands all eager to do anything you do; And a little boy who's dreaming of the day he'll be like you. You're the little fellow's idol, you're the wisest of the wise. In his little mind about you no suspicions ever rise. He believes in you devoutly, holds all that you say and do; He will say and do, in your way, when he's grown up like you. There's a wide-eyed little fellow who believes you're always right; And his eyes are always opened, and he watches day and night. You are setting an example every day in all you do, For the little boy who's waiting to grow up to be like you. 

BUILDING CONFIDENCE A young couple used to leave their daughter at a day-care center every day before going to work. As they parted company, the parents and child kissed each other's hands and then put the kisses in their pockets. All during the day when the little girl got lonely she would take out a kiss and put it on her cheek. This little routine made them feel together even though they were physically apart. What a wonderful thought. 

What Makes a Child a Delinquent? ♦ Teach him to put a price tag on everything and he will put his integrity for sale. 83 of 177 ♦ Teach him never to take a stand and then he will fall for anything. ** From The Moral Compass, edited by William J. Bermett, Simon 8~ Schuster, New York, 1995, pp. 52~24. 84 of 177 

Make him believe that winning is not everything. It is the only thing and he will make every effort to win by hook or by crook. Give a child everything he wants right from infancy and he will grow up believing that the world owes him a living and everything will be handed to him on a platter. When he picks up bad language, laugh at him. This will make him think he is cute. Don't ever give him any moral or ethical values. Wait until he is 21 and let him "determine his own." Give him choices without direction. Never teach him that every choice has a consequence. Never tell him he is wrong, he might develop a complex. This will condition him to believe that society is against him when he gets arrested for doing something wrong. Always pick up things that he leaves lying around--books, shoes, clothes, etc. Do everything for him so that he will learn to push all responsibilities onto others. Let him read, watch and hear anything he wants. Be careful what he feeds his body, but let his mind feed on garbage. In order to be popular with his peers, he must go along to get along. Quarrel frequently when he is present. This way he won't be surprised when things fall apart at home. Give him as much money as he wants. Never teach him respect for or the value of money. Make sure he does not have things as tough as you did. Provide instant gratification for all sensual desires such as food, drink, comfort. Deprivation can cause frustration. Side with him against neighbors, teachers, etc., as they are prejudiced against him. When he gets into real trouble, excuse yourself by saying, "I tried my best but could never do anything with him." Don't put your foot down because you believe discipline takes away freedom. Prefer remote control to parental control in order to teach independence. What children get, they give to society. 

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate. If a child lives with hostility, he learns tonight. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself. If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world. 
Education 85 of 177 Being ignorant is not shameful, but being unwilling to learn is. Role models can teach through example. Children who are taught the importance of integrity during their formative years generally don't lose it. It becomes a part of life, which is what we are looking for in any profession, whether in a contractor, attorney, accountant, politicians police officer, or judge. Integrity is a lot stronger than honesty. In fact, it is the foundation of honesty. Youths are impressionable. When they see their mentors--such as parents, teachers, or political leaders--cheating with pride or bragging about petty dishonesty such as stealing a towel in a hotel or cutlery from the restaurants, the following happens: ♦ ♦ ♦ They are disappointed. They lose respect for their mentors. Constant exposure breeds acceptance in them. 

You can win - 
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